"Parents, all you have to do is talk to your children, sit them down and show them the way" -CM Punk
I am 100% Nigerian. By definition, that also makes my parents 100% Nigerian. I am 100% a fan of professional wrestling. My parents? Not so much. Even though my parents didn't watch wrestling (like most parents), they knew the bulletpoints. Blood, Sex and Violence. And there was no way they were letting me have any of that fun.
As a kid, I never got to go to wrestling shows. I never got wrestling-related Christmas presents. I never had wrestling fruit snacks. I never got anything wrestling (clearly I'm not bitter about it). As a kid, I would think to myself, "How can my parents HATE wrestling?! There is absolutely nothing wrong with anything involving wrestling."
My parents use to tell me the WWE "Don't Try This At Home" video package was created specifically because of me. I don't know what's worse: the fact that they lied to me or the fact that it was probably half-true. For every legit reason a parent could dislike wrestling, I was the shining personification.
"It's dangerous!" (Injury-wise, I was the Rey Mysterio of our trampoline wrestling league)
"It's violent!" (Who knew a plastic championship title belt to the head would make someone bleed?)
"It's disrespectful to women!" (I'll still defend that the girl ACTUALLY looked like a $2 whore)
So, why did my parents hate that I loved professional wrestling? If we were in a court of law, I'd imagine the prosecution would present the following:
1) Sex Appeal:
At my basketball team's sleepover party, my parents caught me showing my friend this picture of Ivory. I ended up being banned from using my computer for two weeks because of Ivory. Let me repeat that: I was banned from something because of IVORY! Not Trish. Not Torrie. Not Stacy. LISA FUCKING MORETTI!!!!! (No disrespect to Ivory, of course) Subconsciously, I think my parents were upset because they knew I had better options.
2) Violence Towards My Dad:
I wouldn't wish being my father on my worst enemy. The amount of stiff kicks to the legs, punches to the back, chops to the chest, sleeper holds, reverse sleeper holds, arm bars. I think I've even tried a standing moonsault on my dad once while he was sleeping. Recently, I've been using Daniel Bryan's moveset every time I see my dad for the holidays (yes, at 23 years old, I STILL beat up on my father.) In a nutshell, wrestling has turned me into the black Bam Margera.
3) Violence Towards My Brother:
It doesn't matter your race, age, religion, nationality or even your upbringing. If you are boy and you have a brother, you two have had Triple H/Stone Cold-type fights. Seeing how my brother is six years older and 70 pounds bigger than I was, I had to pull out all the stops. My most memorable fight moment happened when, while on the top of a staircase, I grabbed my brother's neck, kicked off the wall, flipped backwards and sent him (and me) crashing down the stairs. Yes, that's correct. Brian Kendrick's Sliced Bread #2 won me a fight with my brother. SLICED FUCKING BREAD #2!
4) Lack of Sportsmanship:
There's nothing like seeing the disappointment on a father's face after his son gets ejected from a basketball game for DX chopping his opponent.....after making a free throw.....in the second quarter.....down by 15.
5) It's Fake (and Dangerous):
"Children should not be watching wrestling," my Dad said to me the week he banned me from watching WWE. "It's not real and I don't want you to put that danger in your head." Like any normal kid, I bitched and moaned for a week. The following day, I rented Grand Theft Auto 3 from Blockbuster. In my Dad's defense, I've attempted more stupid wrestling stunts in my life than stolen cop cars and/or killed prostitutes.
I'm not talking about the hit comedy show on FX or the former fat ass host of Family Feud. I met my friend Louie in my 8th grade Spanish class and we'd talk about wrestling for the entire hour of class. He's also the person who introduced me to the bitter, angry world of being an internet fan. Louie was every parent's nightmare for their son's friend. Fat, smelled oddly like burnt leather and replaced 'umms' with 'fucks', 'shits' or a woman's body part. The best way to sum up Louie is by one of the first things he ever said to me: "Did you know when the Rock says pie, he means pussy?!?!?!" My parents' thoughts on Louie could also be summed up in one quote: "I never want to see that boy in my house again." I'm 90% sure Louie is now Big Dick Johnson.
7) It almost got me suspended in the 7th grade:
My friends and I booked our own WWF and would hold our matches during P.E class. I played the role of the Big Show and Chris Benoit. In hindsight, that's grounds for suspension right there.
8) It almost got me suspended in the 6th grade:
One night, my parents and I had this lovely conversation. Enjoy:
[My dad comes home and overhears my mom yelling at me]
Me: That's not what happened!
Dad: What's going on?
Mom: I just got off the phone with Tope's teacher...
Me: It's not true!
Dad: Hold on. What happened?
Mom: Tope called one of his classmates an 'ass' and made her cry.
Dad: WHAT! Tope?
Me: No! I didn't call her an 'ass', Mom. I said that I was an 'ass man'.
I was banned from playing Nintendo 64 for two weeks because I called a girl an idiot for not knowing Billy Gunn's theme song. Billy FUCKING Gunn!