"I'm gonna the abide by the rules and regulations! I'm gonna be on time!" -Junkyard Dog's 1987 New Year's Resolution
Not that I would know first hand, but every January, gyms fill up with hopeful individuals looking to turn their lives around. With self-improvement as their main objective, these people suit up and hit the weights, treadmills and Zumba classes in hopes of turning their lives around for the better. However, by March, a major majority of them are no longer attending the gym because reverting back to their old ways and old habits was a much easier option.
According to Wikipedia, a New Year’s resolution is a commitment that a person makes to one or more personal goals, projects or the reforming of a habit. There is only a 12% success rate for New Year’s resolutions and another study showed that 78% of people, who set an actual New Year’s resolution, fail.
I’m sure that wrestlers have New Year’s resolutions of their own, but I thought it would be fun create resolutions for them. For each wrestler, I created a New Year’s resolution that A: would be a resolution that would change them for the better….and B: had at least a 78% chance of failing based on what we know of these wrestlers.
So here are some New Year’s resolutions for wrestlers that are sure to fail…
Ironically, I’m going to start with the one most likely to actually happen…at this point, we all would LOVE to see John Cena as a heel and there have been some teases that this would actually happen. So, John Cena’s resolution should be: JUST QUIT!
Since I started with the resolution most likely to happen, lets move on to the one least likely to happen. That would be HHH’s resolution to put SOMEONE ELSE over, pass the torch, hand over the reigns; you pick the cliché, just do it.
For R-Truth, there were so many directions I could have gone in, but I finally decided his resolution should be to think before he speaks…although, that would be a more fitting resolution for Booker T.
In my obligatory TNA section of this article I have a few resolutions to go around…
Last year, Matt and Jeff Hardy had more run-ins with the law than Bobby Fuller Four sang about and I don’t see this trend going down anytime soon, unless the Hardy brothers succeed in the resolution to stop being each other’s brother.
Sticking with TNA, I think Samoa Joe should have a New Year’s resolution to leave TNA to join the WWE and Sting’s should be to leave TNA and stay home.
In my obligatory Divas section…the Bella’s resolution should be the same as Sting’s. (They will somehow take that as a compliment)
In my most sincere resolution for a wrestler…I feel CM Punk’s resolution should be to just have a beer…you deserve it!
I don’t know if Mexicans have New Year’s resolutions, but if they did, I think Del Rio’s should be to find another destiny and Rey Mysterio’s should be to trade in his body for a new, less damaged one.
Evan Bourne’s resolution isn’t exactly one that will better him, but his resolution of smoking REAL weed is one that might have him get suspended less from the WWE.
And lastly, I think Randy Orton’s resolution should be to just settle down with only ONE of his TV wives. They are all hot Randy, but unless you live in Utah, you can’t keep having a different wife show up on TV.
(One quick side note: I tried desperately to find a New Year’s resolution for Heath Slater, but there isn’t a New Year’s resolution that can help him.)
So, if you are one of those who are hitting the gym this year to lose weight as your New Year’s resolution…I hope you achieve your goals and don’t become a statistic. I can’t be sure, but those 12% of people who succeed in their New Year’s resolution to lose weight at the gym might have this guy to thank as their motivator.