“I'm a winner! I did it! WOO!” -Owen Hart
Every other wrestling website gives out their version of “Year-End Awards.” We have two things to say about that.
1. We already went over those sort of awards on our two-part podcast that you can find right here.
2. We are NOT every other wrestling website.
However, so many people deserve recognition for their “work” in 2011. So, we have put a twist on the standard process of handing over boring awards and sprucing things up a bit.
Ladies and gentlemen, the 2011 Swoggle Squad Awards!
The “See What Gumption Will Get You” Award
This year’s winner is…ZACK RYDER. Everyone knows his story at this point, but enough can’t be said about his creativity and persistence. Surely Zack could of pulled a Carlito andR given up on his career, but he stuck with it and is a mainstay on Raw with a bright future. He earned it.
The “See What Gluttony Will Get You” Award
This year’s winner is…MATT HARDY. Not since that scene in “Se7en” has a better example of proper diet and exercise been seen than Matt Hardy. He has had a year…which is now the winner of the “Understatement of the Year” Award. I’m still not sure which is bloated more: Matt Hardy’s ego or Matt Hardy’s stomach.
The “I’m Back and…Better than Ever?” Award
This year’s winner is…TRIPLE H. We went without Paul McMahon for almost a full year and he came back with an amazing build-up/match with The Undertaker at WrestleMania. Then, a mere three months later, he was back on TV, full-time, taking up screen time like it was 2002 or 2003 or 2004 all over again. However, Trips never ceases to amaze. Instead of burying talent on the microphone and in the ring, he mostly just did it on the mike. That, my friends, is versatility.
The “Letting Los Boricuas off the Hook” Award
This year’s winner is…THE CORRE. After 14 years of a dubious record, Savio Vega and his gang have officially been left off the hook and The Corre now reigns as the worst stable in the history of professional wrestling. Sadly, everyone here in the Swoggle Squad will be reminded of Wade, Zeke, Justin and Heath forever because of our own Mike Whidden buying The Corre shirt and loving every minute of it.
The “School Spirit” Award
This year’s winner is…RANDY ORTON. Randall Keith Orton had been such a sourpuss for most of his career, so it was great to see him loosen up a little bit this year. Thankfully, that loosening has provided us with moments such as THIS that will forever be engrained in our memories. You think he did that after his infamous Kelly Kelly radio interview, too?
The “Now You See Me, Now You Don’t, Now You Might See Me, Now You Really Don’t” Award
This year’s winner is…BRODUS CLAY. After suffering a horrible injury at Extreme Rules, Brodus healed up, filmed a movie and started kicking ass on Superstars. Once the vignettes on Raw started airing a couple of months ago, everyone was prepping to see the Mohawk-wearing, awesome promo-cutting behemoth on Monday nights. We all know the rest. If he can’t make it in the Royal Rumble, we give up.
The “World’s Greatest Dad” Award
This year’s winner is…BROTHER DEVON. Sorry for our recent infatuation with Devon and his children, but it is TNA at its best, which means it is TNA at its worst. The fact that they have given these two kids more airtime than Samoa Joe as of late is mind-boggling. All that said, good on Devon for totally overexposing his children on national television. That earns an award in our book.
The “Don’t Get Greedy Because You Have a Job” Award
This year’s winner is…HEATH SLATER. It is astounding that the One Man Rock Band still collects checks from Titan Towers. At the very least, if Heath was going to unreasonably be employed, he could stay out of the news. But, a charge of battery and a suspension have kept him in the IWC’s eye. Heath, any publicity is good publicity…If your name if Jeff Hardy.
The “I Bet I Made Augie Say ‘Who’ When My Name Was Mentioned in These Year-End Awards” Award
This year’s winner is…MAGNUS. Good on you, Magnus. You’re dating Mickie James and you have been deemed worthy of Augie’s lack of attention. That’s a good year in the wrestling business. Am I right, Kenny Dykstra?
The “Mullet Feels Totally Guilty for Forgetting to Mention This in the Award Podcast” Award
This year’s winner is…SETH ROLLINS VS. DEAN AMBROSE. The Swoggle Squad was so busy bolstering other matches that Mullet completely forget to list his personal favorite after Punk/Cena at Money in the Bank. Their third match was linked in our Podswoggle Down on the Farm article, but it’s so good that it deserves to be linked again.
The “Maybe You Should Get a Haircut” Award
This year’s winner is…TYLER REKS. If Mike Knox taught us anything, it’s that being a scuzzy monster doesn’t necessarily get you noticed. Reks was drafted to Raw and has only been seen in backstage groups once or twice. He can’t get over as a catfish-faced surfer and he can’t get over as a homeless man.
The “Maybe You Shouldn’t Get a Haircut” Award
This year’s winner is…TYSON KIDD. The only thing Tyson has had going for him the past several years was his idiotic haircut. Now that the mini-crown is gone, he looks like a default create-a-wrestler. Maybe Harry Smith was the lucky one.
The “Lonely House” Award
This year’s winner is…HULK HOGAN. It was just another year for the Hulkster. He continued to bleed TNA dry, financially and creatively. He got into meaningless arguments with other has-beens/legends to try and stay relevant. His ex-wife keeps making his life a living hell. It is at the point where Hulk surely gets home and just crawls into a ball and rocks back and forth. Oh, brother.
The “Can I Go Back to FCW?” Award
This year’s winner is…HUNICO. Instead of complaining about everything WWE and TNA has done with Mexican stereotypes this year, let’s just remember TNA doing something right and listen to LAX’s awesome theme.
The “Wait…What’s Going On? I am Soooooo High” Award
This year’s winner is…ROB VAN DAM. Even though this is the first year of the Swoggle Squad Awards, we’d like to congratulate RVD for winning this award 12 years running. Seriously, if you want to watch a professional wrestler LIVE through the motions, go back and watch RVD this entire year in TNA.
The “Blowing Your Load Way Too Early” Award
This year’s winner is…ALEX RILEY. When A-Ry was going off on The Miz for weeks on end, it seemed like WWE had found their next babyface star. Then, a bunch of false start pushes, lackluster in-ring work and the crowd’s apathy happened. Now, A-Ry can’t win matches on Superstars and is in the doghouse for some ungodly reason. The former Varsity Villain shot his wad faster Tony Atlas in a Foot Locker.
The “I Suck a Dick for a Nickel” Award
This year’s winner is…RIC FLAIR. Another year in the world. Another year of Ric Flair selling his soul to pay his bills, poor habits and ex-wives. If the Grantland article that came out on him didn’t elicit a brief visual image in your mind of Naitch in a back alley, robe and all, acting like the Dirtiest Player in the Game of Life, then you don’t know Ric Flair.
The “Awwww…Good for Him” Award
This year’s winner is…MARK HENRY. After Jim Ross, nobody in WWE history has been fucked with more than Mark Henry. So, when he had a career year in terms of achievements and in actual work, we couldn’t help but shrug and say, “Fine by us.” If he had been having Khali-level matches and talking worse than Linda McMahon with marbles in her mouth, then we would be griping.
The “Most Over Inanimate Object” Award
This year’s winner is…WWE ICE CREAM BARS. If you had told us in January that one of the biggest reactions of the year came from a sheer mention of these delicious relics, we’d have told you to lay off that sauce. Now, it’s inconceivable that we still don’t have these fantastic treats to chow down on at live events. The power of CM Punk is far-reaching.
The “Wrestler of the Year” Award
This year’s winner is…LEX LUGER.
Wait, he was the PWI Wrestler of the Year in 1997.
What can we say? It’s been a long year. Our brains are a little fried.
Let’s all rest up and get ready for what looks to be a fantastic 2012.
Even if it fails to deliver, let’s just remember it is professional wrestling and that it should always leave you with a smile on your face.
Except Rob Terry. There is nothing to smile about with him.