Home Articles Main Events PPV Diary Entry 21: WrestleMania V

PPV Diary Entry 21: WrestleMania V

20 Jan

One of the many complaints I have about the current state of PPVs is the inability at times to consistently present talent. Start and stop pushes are incredibly prevalent and a lot of wrestlers are unable to consistently get work on the biggest shows.

Having done this project for so many shows, I have started to notice one of the biggest difference in PPVs back then and today: getting as many people screen time as possible. The shows might not run as smoothly as they do today, but the roster is given ample time to make their presence known.

Is it always a good thing? I don’t think any show could answer that question any better than WrestleMania V

 

PAY PER VIEW NUMBER 21- WWF WRESTLEMANIA V

Written on 1/20/15


WM5-RobinTHE FIRST THING YOU SEE: Jazz accompanies fire and the Mega Powers literally exploding with Vince’s growling voice. Trump Plaza has those crappy ceiling lights again, but the crowd is actually making noise. Gorilla introduces the show and sends it ringside to Fink who announces Rockin’ Robin for America the Beautiful. HOLY SHIT IS IT BAD!!!!!! I encourage you to seek it out to see how awful it is. That is the Women’s Champion, everyone. OUCH! She is already the LVP and it might be hard to beat.

-Jesse makes fun of it and I can tell he is being legit. He is the MVP already.

-The King music plays and Haku is carried out by random dudes. Heenan’s purple outfit is perfectly gaudy. Once in the ring, Heenan gets loud heat for his mic work. Trumpets blare for Hercules, who runs down those awful yellow stairs. I see Pedro Morales as an agent. Herc gets a decent crowd reaction when he swings his chain over his head.

 

MATCH NUMBER ONE: King Haku w/Bobby Heenan vs Hercules

-Haku jumps Hercules from behind to start.

-Herc’s sloppy backdrop attempt is fixed to a flapjack.

-I’m glad Gorilla Monsoon died before Michael Bay’s Pearl Harbor.

-Herc stalks Heenan on the floor, so he naturally eats a Haku clothesline.

-Jesse points out Donald Trump in the front row. He looks bored as hell.

-Haku hits a nice double backbreaker. A bearhug follows, so further compliments won’t follow.

-Herc powers out, but Haku’s martial arts takes advantage again.

-Why are these guys throwing cross bodies?!?!

-A good flurry by Hercules is hampered by his crappy Irish whips.

-A sloppy thrust kick catching Hercules flying.

-Smart shoulder roll.

 

WINNER: Hercules in 6:52 after getting his shoulder up on a belly to back bridge.

FINAL WORD: Jeff Hardy never won at a WrestleMania, but Hercules did.

 

-Mean Gene is backstage with the Rockers. Marty Jannetty rhymes and jives and shows why he will be passed on.

-Back in the arena, Jive Soul Bro has the Twin Towers grooving in the ring. They really got a raw deal after feuding with Hogan so recently to this show. The Rockers’ music plays and they run out in loud pink and green outfits that make Harvey Fierstein masculine.

 

MATCH NUMBER TWO: The Twin Towers w/Slick vs The Rockers

-The Towers chase the Rockers to no avail.

-Michaels is a ball of fire early and Boss Man bounces all around for him.

-Akeem is so damn funny. In retaliation to his dancing, HBK moonwalks. See? He was lame with comedy back then, too.

-Extensive arm work is squashed when Marty gets caught in an Akeem hug and Boss Man splashes into it.

-Akeem is the new MVP just by dancing alone.

-Marty is flattened more than his wallet as of press time.

-The Towers collide and HBK gets the hot tag. The Rockers hit a double flying shoulderblock. Meanwhile, Jesse loves mocking Joey Marella.

-Akeem KILLS HBK with a lariat. Serious decapitation. The follow up sees Boss Man miss a top rope splash.

-A crazy, dangerous double missile dropkick hits Boss Man 50 percent. HBK goes for a flying leap and Boss catches him and demolishes him with a powerbomb. Good Lord, end this.

 

WINNERS: Akeem pins Shawn Michaels in 8:05 with a big splash

FINAL WORD: That was a great harbinger of things to come for everyone but Marty Jannetty.

 

-Schiavone made the jump!!! He is backstage interviewing Ted DiBiase. God, Schiavone looks like such a little worm. DiBiase cuts a good promo and Virgil still looks good holding money.

-DiBiase enters sans music again and he shakes Trump’s hand ringside. Fink is forced to announce DiBiase as the Million Dollar Champ. Brutus Beefcake enters with a bag colored like a barber pole and he is still dressed like a tranny extra from Rocky Horror Picture Show. Beefcake pulls out hedge clippers. What a shitty barber.

 

WM5-TedTrump

MATCH NUMBER THREE: Ted DiBiase w/Virgil vs Brutus Beefcake

-Gorilla talks about this match being a battle of the sleeper holds. That is one way to promote this.

-DiBiase trash talks Beefcake with finger pokes and taunting about the title not being on the line. Beefcake takes him down with back drops and Ted is already busting his ass.

-Some guy named Harry Kravitz is name dropped for the second time tonight. Is he Lenny’s dad?

-Virgil holds Beefcake’s leg and DiBiase takes over.

-Why is Ted’s fist drop so cool?

-The ring isn’t mic’d up very well.

-I’m shocked Beefcake didn’t totally screw up this small package. He is accustomed to handling Hogan’s.

-Trump smirks during every match like it is the worst thing ever.

-The Million Dollar Dream is locked on and Beefcake hangs on until he reaches the ropes.

-Beefcake steals Punk’s GTS taunt. Bastard.

-Beefcake’s sleeper is interrupted by Virgil’s distraction and beat down when the ref’s back is turned. A battle starts on the floor.

 

WINNER: Double Countout at 10:00

-Beefcake chases Virgil and locks on the sleeper. Some more crap happens and Beefcake gets his clippers. Is he going to decapitate Virgil? The heels escape and Gorilla calls it a moral victory for Brutus.

FINAL WORD: What a Raw segment.

 

-Lord Alfred Hates is eating morning brunch with the Bushwhackers. Some bad comedy ensues as they talk with their mouths full. We shit on Los Matadores and Santino, but come on…

-ALL AMERICAN BOYS plays and the Rougeaus enter, cocky as usual. The Bushwhackers march out and Butch almost eats shit on the steps. They were billed as killers versus the Fantastics. Jesse insinuates that they are on some kind of juice.

 

MATCH NUMBER FOUR: The Fabulous Rougeaus w/Jimmy Hart vs The Bushwhackers

-The match starts with the Bushwhackers trying to rip Jimmy Hart’s jacket off until they whip both Rougeaus into him.

-Raymond and Luke finally start and Luke can barely run the ropes. The Battering Ram is hit early and the heels recover. I feel so bad for the Rougeaus.

-Why haven’t the Bushwhackers made an appearance on Old School Raw?

-The Rougeaus whip Luke hard into the corner. That looked like a receipt for something.

-Gorilla calls out the wrong Whackers name three times in a row and Jesse corrects him every time.

-Luke is a LVP candidate for some really shitty looking bumps. It MIGHT be as bad as Robin’s singing.

-Raymond does a fancy flip, strut and Stan Lane kick. Some more taunting and things break down until the Battering Ram is hit again behind the ref’s back.

 

WINNERS: Luke pins Raymond Rougeau at 5:10 after a double stomach breaker

FINAL WORD: I originally finished typing this entire piece and then noticed I didn't have anything written here while editing. That sums it up.

 

-Sean Mooney tries to talk to a fan and he gets lick gangbanged by the Whackers. Poor guy. No one deserves that. We get a quick replay and the action keeps going.

-Mr. Perfect walks out without music and he is somehow built at 257 pounds. The singlet makes his look complete. The Blue Blazer enters complete with music. I’m never going to be comfortable watching this. The bell rings while the entrance is still going on and the Blazer does a backflip.

 

MATCH NUMBER FIVE: Mr. Perfect vs The Blue Blazer

-One hip toss in and this is already better than the previous match.

-A game of slaps has developed.

-Blazer spins out of a hiptoss, dropkicks Perfect, who oversells beautifully, and then hits a baseball slide.

-Owen Hart is wrestling like an indy guy who is good, but really needs NXT.

-A big splash is countered with knees by Perfect.

-Jesse gets his hello to the kids in during a Camel Clutch.

-Belly to belly gutwrench almost brains Perfect. Blazer is busting out great moves, but seems reckless almost.

-Blazer questions a count and Perfect takes advantage.

 

WINNER: Mr. Perfect in 5:48 after a PerfectPlex

FINAL WORD: Considering the participants involved, I would like to have seen more, but any more might have killed Curt Hennig.

 

-Jesse promotes a surprise and Fink announces Jesse so he can taunt to the crowd again. It is funny every time.

-Cut to Hayes at the 5K yesterday. Mr. Fuji is in his full outfit with a marathon number and cuts a promo about running. He “finishes” the race. Fuji and Hayes trying to talk to one another is more of a mess than Lindsay Lohan’s nether regions.

-Fink announcing Run DMC is hysterical. They do the WrestleMania Rap. You can see Trump slapping his knees to the beat as Jam Master Jay gets the crowd up. Run looks like an old man at the park. They sing a very basic and safe song. The acoustics aren’t great and the crowd doesn’t really pop at the end. Gorilla openly craps on rap music and saying “a little bit of that goes a long way with me.”

WM5-DMC

-The tag title match is previewed with the Survivor Series double turn and the SNME beat down of Demolition.

-Mean Gene interviews Demolition, who keep calling their former manager Fuj the Stooge. The promo consists of a lot of yelling and gruffness.

-The Powers of Pain enter without music. Fuji is painted and the Powers look stupider to me for some reason. Demolition’s theme enters and they get a decent reaction. They might have been more over as heels the previous year.

 

MATCH NUMBER SIX: TAG TITLE HANDICAP MATCH- The Powers of Pain and Mr. Fuji vs Demolition (Champions)

-Fuji throws ceremonial salt. That might be his offensive highlight.

-Warlord and Ax start. The axe handles start very soon afterwards.

-Demolition dominates early and the Powers flail about.

-There isn’t much heat as the Powers take over and Fuji finally tags in when Ax is in trouble.

-WWE should sign Brian Cage and make him the new Warlord. Fuck it.

-Fuji misses a weird, shitty top rope dive, but the Powers prevent a tag.

-Smash finally gets in and Barry Darsow is obviously the best worker in the match. He yells something at Trump when he isn’t paying attention.

-Fuji gets some salt, but hits Warlord accidentally.

-That was a nice and safe finish.

 

WINNERS: Smash pins Mr. Fuji at 8:55 after the Demolition Decapitation

FINAL WORD: That was mostly painless. Mostly.

 

-Schiavone is outside Macho Man’s dressing room. Savage exits, goes crazy, pushes the camera man and freaks out.

-Dino Bravo enters with Frenchy Martin. Ronnie Garvin is already in the ring. Screw you, NWA! Dino looks even larger than usual. Fink introduces a surprise guest: Jimmy Snuka. Snuka gets a good pop and he walks to the ring dressed like a divorce lady in 1977. Why is this happening right before this match? It is so random. Anyway, welcome back, murderer!

 

MATCH NUMBER SEVEN: Dino Bravo w/Frenchy Martin vs Ronnie Garvin

-Garvin gets jumped at the bell. He looks even smaller in a WWF ring.

-Dino looks like Tony Danza a little bit.

-Garvin wrestles like an orphaned puppy.

-Nice, excessive rolling cradle by Garvin.

-Garvin attempts the ten punches in the corner, but is blocked.

-Yeah, we have a lot more to go. Let’s wrap this up.

 

WINNER: Dino Bravo at 3:59 with a sidewalk slam

-After the bell, Garvin knocks Frenchy down and gives him the Garvin Stomp. The replay feels as long as the actual match.

FINAL WORD: That might be the most inconsequential match in PPV history.

 

-No wasted time as the bell rings and the Brain Busters enter alongside Bobby Heenan. Gorilla weakly calls them “two really tough dudes”. GIRLS IN CARS blasts for Strike Force’s entrance.

 

MATCH NUMBER EIGHT: The Brain Busters w/Bobby Heenan vs Strike Force

-The commentators mention it has been a long time since Strike Force has teamed together.

-Arn cheats for a full 30 seconds in front of the ref until Martel fires back up with back and forth punches.

-The Busters eat a double dropkick to a good pop.

-Gorilla promotes the rest of Bobby’s matches for the night and there is talk of never managing a champion again.

-Martel counters an Arn body scissors nicely into his Boston Crab.

-Tongue in cheek Figure Four to both Arn and Tully. I’m sure Ric was watching under a pile of women.

-A missed tag and some miscommunication leads to Tito accidentally hitting Martel with his flying forearm.

-Arn is hilarious looking in every single direction for a tag during a Tito sunset flip attempt.

-Arn is caught like Ric Flair on the top rope. He has been awesome this entire match. New MVP candidate.

-Tito goes for the tag and Martel doesn’t return the favor. He turns his back on Tito, gets booed, waves his arms and walks out. The crowd responds well as Tito keeps getting beat up.

-Spinebuster, bitches. Tully tags in and struts away.

- NO NO NO NO NO NO. Avert the end of this match, Rich!WM5-Busters

 

WINNERS: Arn Anderson pins Tito Santana at 9:16 after a spike piledriver

-After the match, Mean Gene interviews Martel. Gene is really upset about his betrayal and Martel stumbles over his words, but finally gets his point across.

FINAL WORD: The tag team wrestling on this show is carrying it tenfold.

 

-Gorilla and Jesse break down the Strike Force break up, too. That is a lot of play for something that doesn’t seem like a big deal.

-A “special attraction” Piper’s Pit is set up in the ring. Fink does a long intro that seems like overkill naturally leading to Brother Love entering to nuclear heat. I’ve never wished cancer on anyone, but I hope that red face led to it. He calls Piper “Rodney” and interviews an imaginary Piper, then impersonates him fairly well, but still gets a shitty reaction.

-I just noticed the shitty carpet in the ring doesn’t cover the whole mat. Love does some crappy schtick until some dubbed theme plays for Morton Downey Jr, who runs to the ring to a decent pop. He slaps everyone’s hands and inspires me five years ago as he runs while smoking a cigarette.

-Downey starts by making a veiled gay joke about Love’s “skirt” then calls him fat to another good pop.

-Piper finally gets introduced. The earlier shenanigans stunt his return pop, but the crowd finally gives him the appropriate response when they realize it’s finally him.

-Piper’s first line is barely understandable, then makes fun of Love’s knees. He follows it up with a weak routine of pulling the mic away from Love every time he tries to talk. Downey has a huge, standing ashtray, btw.

-Piper and Love’s back and forth just isn’t good and Downey start throwing unlit cigarettes. Piper livens it up by threatening to bite Love’s face off for trying to go under his kilt.

-A weird edit occurs and Brother Love is gone. WHY?!?! Piper and Downey are now alone and smoke is being blown into Piper’s face. Downey then insinuates that Piper’s mom fucked Downey’s dad. Piper hits back about Downey’s girlfriend.

-Piper talks about Downey’s “Zip It” catchphrase, then Piper is called a tranny. This makes the Raw Guest Hosts look like Tyson and Austin. More smoke complaints lead to Piper pulling out a fire extinguisher. You know the rest. What an awful way to return. Morton seems really mad and chases Piper up the ramp…kind of.

WM5-Morton-THEY REPLAY THE EXTINGUISHER SPOT!!!!!

-Cut to Mean Gene announcing No Holds Barred: The Movie. They play the trailer, which makes me contemplate making Stan Hansen a MVP candidate. Just in case you forgot, this is DURING WRESTLEMANIA.

-Sean Mooney interviews Donald Trump at ringside. Mooney seems nervous talking to him and totally Adamles Trump’s name. Afterwards, Jesse cuts a promo on Hogan stepping into Hollywood. He gets really bent out of shape and leave. Jesse is pulling away in the MVP race for that great promo. He returns fairly quickly.

-The WrestleMania IV, SummerSlam and Survivor Series celebrations of the Mega Powers are shown and then Liz’s bump on Main Event versus the Towers leading to the explosion.

-Hulk is backstage with Mean Gene. He starts his promo with funny noises and then talks about his “three demandments” and blah blah blah. Hogan works in some worked shoot comments about not handling the load and carrying the ball. He talks about the Liz jealousy and accidentally calls her mom. Then, Hogan starts talking about Trump hiring “seismologists” checking the foundation of the building before the main event. Hogan could blow any second.

-Back live, the crowd is restless without any wrestling recently. Finally, Big John Studd is announced, hot off his Royal Rumble win, as a referee. I’m glad he is wearing his wrestling boots. Andre the Giant is out next with Heenan, who is wearing his blue jacket because he is with the main eventers. Gorilla and Jesse sound silly calling Andre 7’4 and Studd 6’10 when they meet eye to eye perfectly. Jake the Snake is introduced to a decent reaction.

 

MATCH NUMBER NINE: Andre the Giant w/Bobby Heenan vs Jake Roberts

-Andre jumps Jake at the bell and rams him into an exposed turnbuckle. No one knows why that buckle is exposed?

-Awkward slugs and headlocks follow. Jake sells the best that he can.

-Andre is funny calmly backing into Jake over and over again into the corner.

-Jake is sat on and stepped on. Tony Atlas would love that.

-Jake punches Andre backed and the Giant gets hooked up into the ropes.

-Jesse says Gorilla is getting worse with his bias than Vince McMahon. Jesse is REALLY pulling away as MVP.

-Andre’s only offense is chokes and a trapezes hold. He works so light. That is probably for the best.

-Studd and Andre exchange words as Jake tries to get back in the ring and get his snake. Andre hits Studd from behind and Studd returns the favor.

-DiBiase runs out and steals Damien. Jake gives chase after him and retrieves his snake. Andre is choking Studd in the ring until Damien is released, forcing Andre away.

-Oh yeah. The bell finally rings.

 

WINNER: Jake Roberts in 9:38 by DQ

FINAL WORD: It would be for my well-being as well as his if Andre the Giant didn’t wrestle anymore.

 

-Cut to Mooney in the cheap seats with random fans. One fan, who might be Enzo Amore’s dad, just says “Jake’s the best” over and over.

-Schiavone interviews Sensational Sherri backstage. She makes fun of Rockin Robin’s singing and Liz’s looks. That was random.

-Honky Tonk Man, Greg Valentine and Jimmy Hart enter totally uncoordinated as a group. The Hart Foundation theme hits and they get a good reaction, but that is the case for every face.

 

MATCH NUMBER TEN: The Honky Tonk Man and Greg Valentine w/Jimmy Hart vs The Hart Foundation

-Bret starts by going Atomic Drop crazy on Honky to start.

-The Foundation has nice teamwork early.

-Just once, I’d like to see the Anvil play the babyface in peril.

-Honky busts out a fireman carry’s slam that surprises me.

-The commentators talk about Pat Patterson and Jesse calls him a relic. Nice job.

-Honky hits Shake, Rattle and Roll, but tags Valentine in to try the Figure Four, but it takes too much time.

-Jesse and Gorilla are such a great team. Their rapport doesn’t take away from the match and it always go back to the action quickly.

-Neidhart gets the hot tag. He is seriously underrated. He throws some great dropkicks and clotheslines.

-Bret comes in really soon after making the tag and busts out a great suplex.

-Heel tactics backfire and Neidhart gets the megaphone to Bret.

 

WINNERS: Bret Hart pins Honky Tonk Man in 7:40 after a shot with the megaphone.

FINAL WORD: You could probably have found a better way to use the Hart Foundation at WrestleMania.

-Hooray! A posedown recap from the Royal Rumble! Thankfully, Rick Rude’s theme gets me excited (not sexually) as does Jesse’s excitement and putting over the IC Title. He also talks about this slut in the crowd wanting Rude. I’m paraphrasing. Rude cuts his typical promo about “Atlantic City sweathogs” and they actually show a decent looking woman digging Rude’s hip swivel.

-Ultimate Warrior runs out and I’m shocked he didn’t fall down the stairs. Warrior does his own thrust towards Heenan. Huh?

 

MATCH NUMBER ELEVEN: IC TITLE MATCH- Rick Rude w/Bobby Heenan vs Ultimate Warrior (Champion)

-Rude tries to jump Warrior, but only manages to knee Warrior in the title belt he was still wearing.

-Rude is largely pushed into the corner three times to start. Warrior looks extra sloppy tonight (read that like the lunch lady from Billy Madison).

-Warrior slaps a bearhug on during the first minute. He wasn’t Malenko, that’s for sure.

-Hilarious close up of Warrior’s face being cross eyed on Rude’s tights.WM5-Rude

-Jesus! Amazing missile dropkick by Rude which Warrior immediately no sells and beats him up more. Rude is making a MVP case for putting up with this.

-Joey Marella stops Rude from poking Warrior in the eyes.

-Warrior goes for his splash, but Rude gets his knees up.

-GOD WHY?!?! Rude piledrives Warrior. That looked so bad from behind. Who was the asshole that taught Warrior how to take piledrivers?

-Hahahaha. Rude tries to hip swivel, but sells his back. He’s definitely the MVP now.

-Tight Russian leg sweep by Rude. Gorilla calls it a neckbreaker.

-Warrior breaks a bow and arrow submission by doing the rope shake. That was interesting.

-Warrior almost kills Rude after a back breaker trying to pick him up and do it again immediately. He trips and they fall into the ropes.

-Rude looks like a ball bouncing over the words during a sing-a-long.

-The Rude Awakening is blocked and 5000 clotheslines follow.

-A clothesline onto the apron and a suplex leads to Bobby the Brain showing why he is called that.

 

WINNER: Rick Rude in 9:42 to win the title after Bobby Heenan trips Ultimate Warrior during a suplex attempt and holds his legs down.

-After the match, Warrior is dropped horribly by Warrior with his military press. Warrior takes off and runs after Rude like a madman.

FINAL WORD: I hope Rick Rude got a bonus for that match. Warrior sucked, but Rude made that very, very good.

 

-After the replay, Bad News Brown enters while the crowd starts HOOOOing. Duggan enters with the American flag to the best reaction of the night so far. I think the flag deserves half of Duggan’s career paydays.

 

MATCH NUMBER TWELVE: Bad News Brown vs Jim Duggan

-Another babyface is jumped at the bell.

-This battle of two hip bumpers is already “thrilling”.

-This match is just punches and HOOOing. So, it is a typical Jim Duggan match.

-Duggan loves yelling “get off my ass!!!”

-Jesse says if one of them tries a hold, they might win. Another great line that reintroduces him to the MVP conversation.

-An exaggerated Ghetto Blaster attempt misses and Brown lands on the arena floor. He brings a chair in and Duggan grabs his 2X4 to engage in a duel.

-The 2X4 with a clothesline to the chest wins. Duggan ends the fight with a ton of snot hanging out of his nose.

 

WINNER: Double DQ in 3:47

FINAL WORD: I normally try to spruce this section up, but that was crappy all around.

 

-Mean Gene interviews the Red Rooster, who cock-a-doodle-doos into the screen. That damn hair. He cuts a fake ass promo, talking about his rooster claws and the barn. Is he supposed to think that he IS a rooster?

-Heenan enters, hurt from the Warrior beat down, alongside the Brooklyn Brawler. Rooster’s theme plays, complete with rooster crowing and shitty 80s tropes. It sounds like roosters fucking. I just noticed that he moves his legs like a rooster, too.

 

MATCH NUMBER THIRTEEN: Bobby Heenan w/Brooklyn Brawler vs Red Rooster

-Heenan takes some quick shots. Go figure.

-Heenan gets on the offense and misses a shot. How do you bounce off of that?

 

WINNER: Red Rooster in 0:31 after Bobby Heenan misses a shoulder ram in the corner.

-After the match, Brawler clotheslines and slams Rooster, but still gets chases off. The post match activity and replay lasts longer than the actual match.

FINAL WORD: Well, I guess there was no Divas match to calm the crowd down.

 

-Mean Gene interview Elizabeth backstage and she says she will be in a neutral corner. I know why she was mostly silent. Baywatch actresses had better line readings.

-Schiavone is in an empty locker room, claiming everyone has left to watch the show in the arena. That was incredibly unnecessary.

-Mooney surveys the crowd, who seem split 50/50.

-Macho Man’s theme plays to mostly boos. Tons of security accompanies him. I just realized this is Savage’s first title defense on PPV. I love Macho’s robe and look.

WM5-SavageRobe

-Liz enters next to Macho’s music. Pat Patterson protects her FROM security. Savage wasn’t dumb.

-Real American starts in the middle of the song and Jesse points out that the champion stupidly entered first. I love that he always finds a way to shit on Hogan. Hulk naturally gets a great reaction and Jesse calls him Lust Hogan.

 

MATCH NUMBER FOURTEEN: WWF TITLE MATCH- Randy Savage (Champion) vs Hulk Hogan

-Savage bails the first time Hulk tries to go after him and then rips up a Hogan sign.

-This is another match consisting of big pushes and strikes leading to an athlete bumping everywhere.

-Macho plays the chickenshit heel on the floor over and over until he pulls Liz in front of him.

-Hogan hits a drop toe hold into a front face lock. You’re not in Japan, asshole!

-Belly to back by Savage gets the crowd riled up and impressed.

-Axe Bomber clothesline, two elbows and an eye rake with a boot by Hogan. Jesse calls out Hogan cheating as always. Savage responds with a clothesline, which gets some vocal cheers and Jesse points it out. He’s challenging Rude again.

-Hulk is slightly busted above his eye.

-This has a good pace. It feels like they are trying to match Flair and Steamboat, but Hogan is involved.

-Hogan is now bloodier. Savage slaps him hard and Hulk wakes up.

-Hogan body slams Macho over the top rope in a sick bump and Liz comes over to help. He shakes her off and threatens her.

-Hulk tries to ram Savage into the post, but Liz blocks it. Macho sends Hogan into it instead. Liz should have turned heel in a Russo swerve.

-Macho grabs Liz’s chin and shoves her away. Earl Hebner then throws Liz out. How anticlimactic.

-Double axe handle on the floor leads to Hogan’s throat being damaged. Jesse is so overly thrilled about Hogan getting beaten.

-After choking him out, Savage hits the big elbow. The crowd thinks it is over and Hulk easily kicks out at two.

-Hulk up and you know the drill. The crowd is insane for this, whistling a lot for some reason.

-Jesse Ventura just sealed it up: “This makes me sick.”

 

WINNER: Hulk Hogan in 17:54 to win the title after a leg drop.

-Hulk puts up the number three, as if this is his third title reign, but it is only his second. Savage can’t believe it and leaves in a huff.

FINAL WORD: I love Bob Backlund, but if he weren’t so boring, Hulk Hogan wouldn’t happen. It is his fault.

 

-Typical Hogan posing and typical Jesse threatening to come out of retirement to take him out.WM5-Hogan

-I just noticed how egotistical Hogan’s post match celebration is. Who can be the loudest to want to see my muscles?

-The replay finally plays. Hogan taunts at the top of the ramp while the crowd start filing out.

LAST IMAGE: A wide shot of Trump Plaza emptying.

 

THE WRAP UP

FINAL MVP of PPV: Your new IC Champion was close, but Jesse Ventura slayed me again. His color commentary should be injected into JBL’s veins…please.

FINAL LVP of PPV: Rockin Robin sucked doing something that technically isn’t her job. Bushwhacker Luke sucked doing what he does every night.

MY FAVORITE MATCH: Rick Rude vs Ultimate Warrior

MY LEAST FAVORITE MATCH: Jim Duggan vs Bad News Brown

WWE HALL OF FAMERS IN ACTION: 16 (Shawn Michaels, Ted DiBiase, Mr. Perfect, Mr. Fuji, Arn Anderson, Tully Blanchard, Tito Santana, Jake Roberts, Andre the Giant, Bret Hart, Greg Valentine, Ultimate Warrior, Jim Duggan, Bobby Heenan, Hulk Hogan, Randy Savage)

DEARLY DEPARTED IN ACTION: 10 (Hercules, Big Boss Man, Mr. Perfect, Blue Blazer, Dino Bravo, Andre the Giant, Rick Rude, Ultimate Warrior, Bad News Brown, Randy Savage)

FINAL THOUGHT: It was slightly better than WrestleMania IV. In other words, MULLET DOESN’T RECOMMEND

NEXT TIME: Flair and Steamboat III. Stop reading this. Go. I’m going to watch. Get out of here.

Chris Mullet

Chris Mullet

Been Watching Since: 1987

Favorite Wrestler, currently: Pentagon Jr

Favorite Wrestler of All Time: CM Punk

Least Favorite Wrestler, currently: Randy Orton                                 

                                       Least Favorite Wrestler of All Time: Jeff Jarrett

                                       Guilty Pleasure: Scott Steiner

                                       Catchphrase: "Hey! You! Stupid! Get me something to drink!"

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