Home Articles Main Events Kayfabe Mailbag 8/30/14

Kayfabe Mailbag 8/30/14

30 Aug

I'd like to offer my deepest aplogy to the entire Cena family regarding last week's article while I (mistakenly) listed John Cena as dead. I'd like to also apologize for this John Cena tribute video (see here) I created. And finally I'd like to retract my 85,000 bell salute I planned for John Cena this week's article (85,000 for every single time John Cena didn't give up)

If you have any questions you'd like me to answer on the next Kayfabe Mailbag, tweet me at @Podswoggle or @DrTopeAdebanjo. Let's get to the mailbag!


Dear Tope,

Brock Lesnar has to beat John Cena at Night Of Champions? Right?

Konrad from New York, NY

Great question, Konrad. If Brock Lesnar can leave Night of Champions with a win, he will have a chance to join the 'LOLCENALOSES Three Win Club'. What is this fake club I just made up right now, you ask?

In one-on-one TV World Title matches, John Cena has never successfully defended or won a world title from 5 men: 

Daniel Bryan (1 match) (Pinned Cena Once)

RVD (1 match) (Pinned Cena Once)

Brock Lesnar (2 matches) (Pinned Cena Twice)

Sheamus (3 matches) (Never Pinned Cena)

CM Punk (4 matches) (Pin Cena Twice; Double Pin Once)

In the history of the world, no person has pinned John Cena outright in three straight 1on1 World Title matches.  I'm usually very good with fact checking my stats but I'm not even going to look up that one.  That is a straight assumption based solely off the last 10 years of watching John Cena.

If Lesnar does beat Cena, the only logical step is for Brock to run through every single person John Cena has defeated in a 1on1 World Title Match.  Below is that list ranked from Most Likely To Happen to Over Vince's Dead Body

PEOPLE CENA HAS BEAT FOR A WORLD TITLE (1on1 matches)

Randy Orton

Triple H

Chris Jericho

Batista

Mark Henry

Shawn Michaels

Bobby Lashley (If Vince remember who the fuck Lashley or TNA was, he'd be wrestling Lesnar tomorrow)

Ryback (pre-injury...get well soon, Big Guy)

JBL

R-Truth

The Great Khali

Kurt Angle

Eric Bischoff

Shawn Spears (NXT's Tye Dillinger)

Chris Masters

Alberto Del Rio

Rey Mysterio

Edge

Umaga

Idol Stevens

Damien Sandow

(Yes, Sandow is last behind a guy who Lesnar would literally kill, a guy who is literally dead and a guy who is literally himself.  SLOW BURN!)


Dear Tope,

What family is having more issues right now...The Bellas or The Wyatts?

- Dennis from Boise, Idaho

 

Good question, Dennis!  I wasn't able to watch Raw live but I've gone back and watched the two segments I've heard the most about: Bray vs Cena and The Bellas.

To be as brief as possible, this is The Big Show 8 months before he became the first man to pin Brock LesnarNo one goes from #1 contender to The Miz's sidekick in a week or because of one event. It's a long, painful, slow burn.  You can start complaining about Bray Wyatt getting 'buried' when they are in Vegas and he comes to the ring dressed like a showgirl. Or when he's not on TV at all.

Now onto more pressing issues such as a new entry in my Top 5 Divas Quotes of all time: "I wish you died in the WOMB!"

Once my least favorite wrestlers, this Bella storyline has helped fill the void left by Booker T on Smackdown and Batista's clothing.  But if they really want to make this the hottest angle of the summer, it starts at Night Of Champions with a storyline-based gimmick match. Let's put the fantasy booking hat on!

Night Of Champions Gimmick Match Options:

Hell In a Womb Match:

Rules: Nikki and Brie are put into a cell that resembles the inside of their mother's womb (I don't care how much it costs, I want it to be as accurate as humanly possible). The Bellas will fight through whatever the hell is in a woman's womb until one escapes.

Result: Nikki wins via caesarean section escape


Umbilical Cord Match

Rules: Basically a Texas Bullrope Match. The Bellas are attached by rope that looks like an umbilical cord. First one to cut the cord and cry wins

Result: Brie Bella wins after every single person in the arena walks out of the match


Let's Watch Our Significant Others Wrestle Match

Rules: Nikki and Brie are at ringside during a John Cena/Daniel Bryan match. First one to be noticed by fans loses

Result: Double DQ


Dear Tope,

What's the point of moving Smackdown to Thursday if people will still read the spoilers and not watch?

-Joanna from New Orleans, Louisiana

 

Great question Joanna! But I must say you are missing the biggest part of the move. There's already a certain show that streams at 9pm ET on Thursday called NXT. I know there's been rumors of moving the NXT stream to Wednesday but I say that would be a huge mistake. It's time for the next Golden Era of Wrestling, it's time for the attitude to return, it's time for the THURSDAY NIGHT TUSSLE! The Monday Night Wars took WWF and WCW to levels they never dreamed of. The Monday Night Wars 2 took TNA to levels they couldn't have nightmares of.  The Thursday Night Tussle would be somewhere in between.

Picture Neville, Enzo and Steen going head-to-head with The Miz, Jack Swagger and Erik Rowan. Who will do better in the ratings...a Corey Graves' promo or a Raw recap of a Roman Reigns promo? How will the internet contain itself when Alicia Fox shows up on NXT AND Smackdown ON THE SAME NIGHT! What would be better than hearing Michael Cole say:

"Fans, if you’re even thinking about changing the channel to our competition, do not. We understand that, Sami Zayn, who wrestled at one time as El Generico, is gonna win their World title. Ha! That’s gonna put some butts in the seats, heh."

Wrestling needs Triple H's pride and joy vs Vince McMahon's afterthought. It's must-see TV I'd tune in for several days after it happens.  Probably on Youtube.


RANDOM WORD VIDEO OF THE WEEK!

Every week I pick a word from a random word generator, randomally select a wrestling-related word, add them together and search Youtube.

The words of this week are.....NATURAL & HARDCORE CHAMPION

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Xl-_r0mWqmc

Tope Adebanjo

Tope Adebanjo

Been Watching Since: 1999

Favorite Wrestler, currently: Daniel Bryan

Favorite Wrestler of All Time: Edge

Least Favorite Wrestler, currently: N/A

                                       Least Favorite Wrestler of All Time: Goldberg

                                       Guilty Pleasure: Willow

                                       Catchphrase: "[Insert PPV Here] is gonna..."

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