Home Articles Main Events Kayfabe Mailbag 8/16/14

Kayfabe Mailbag 8/16/14

16 Aug

We've finally arrived at the Biggest Party of the Summer...Summerslam.  And just like the parties I went to in high school and college, Summerslam only has one non-white guy attending.  Regardless, it should be a great fiesta.  Rusev and Swagger are bringing the flags.  Cena is bringing the blood, urine & vomit.  And Ambrose/Rollins are the douchebags who invited 20 of their friends without asking first. 

If you have any questions you'd like me to answer on the next Kayfabe Mailbag, tweet me at @Podswoggle or @DrTopeAdebanjo. Let's get to the mailbag!


Dear Tope,

Lesnar or Cena?

-Lenny from Dallas, Texas

Great question, Lenny!  I could sit here and give you a long explanation about the time-honored tradition of the World Wrestling Federation Entertainment.  I could go on and on about my thoughts and beliefs and other bullshit you probably don't care about.  OR I can debut my new PPV-only segment called: How To Use Facts and Alienate Predictions

Here's how it works:  I'll give you 3 fact-based reasons Wrestler A will win a match, I'll give you 3 fact-based reasons Wrestler B will win a match then you decide the winner because I'm too lazy to draw conclusions.


LESNAR v CENA - SUMMERSLAM 2014

FACT THAT SUPPORTS LESNAR

[The below includes the matches in between Cena's last PPV appearance before Summerslam and Summerslam]

Leading up to his last four Summerslam losses (2013, 2012, 2011, 2009), John Cena had 0 losses on WWE TV (10 Wins, 0 losses, 2 No Contests)

Leading up to his last four Summerslam wins (2010, 2007, 2005, 2004) John Cena had 5 losses on WWE TV, including at least in every year mentioned (16 wins, 5 losses, 1 No Contest)

In between Battleground 2014 and Summerslam 2014, John Cena was undefeated (1-0) on WWE TV


FACT THAT SUPPORT CENA

The last man to beat The Undertaker in a non-title PPV match AND win a World Title in the same year was Triple H in 2002 (Beat Taker at Insurrextion '02 and was giving the World Heavyweight Title)


FACT THAT SUPPORT LESNAR

Brock Lesnar has never lost back-to-back 1-on-1 WWE Title matches in his career (Lesnar is currently on a 1 match losing streak - Eddie Guerrero / No Way Out 2004)

On the flip side, John Cena has lost his last three 1-on-1 WWE Title Matches (Summerslam 2013 vs Daniel Bryan, TLC 2013 vs Randy Orton, Royal Rumble 2014 vs Randy Orton)


FACT THAT SUPPORT CENA

John Cena has lost his last three 1-on-1 WWE Title Matches


FACT THAT SUPPORT LESNAR

John Cena is 0-2 at PPVs where Stephanie McMahon wrestles a match


FACT THAT SUPPORT CENA

Come on....

lolcenapins

lolcenawins

 


Dear Tope,

Can you explain to me how slapping a woman in the ring gets your arrested but everything about Dean Ambrose is somehow legal?

-Kelsey from Bakersfield, Missouri


Great Question, Kelsey!  Thanks to my connections at WWE, I was able to track down the Official WWE Sports Entertainment Book of Rules (2014 Edition).  According to Title: 3, Chapter: 47, Subchapter: I, Section: 7402:


Any action deemed illegal by a city, state, country or region is not punishable by law if performed by a contracted WWE Superstar onto another contracted WWE Superstar


 

This would explain why the following criminal offenses were ignored by the court of law:

Grand Theft Auto

Vandalism 

Operating a Vehicle While Intoxicated

Arson

Identity Theft

Sex With A Minor


Dear Tope,

With the success of Batista in Guardians of the Galaxy, what's one thing you'd take from a movie and incorporate into pro wrestling?

-Justin from Aurora, Colorado


Great question, Justin!  I spent a long time thinking of a good answer and I think I found one that would make pro wrestling the most legit sports company in the world.  I'll cut to the bottom line....Pro Wrestling Hunger Games.  WWE is a publicly traded company so obviously they wouldn't be able to send one of their wrestlers to the Hunger Games but that wouldn't stop them from putting it on the WWE Network!

Here's the pitch: One representative from TNA, ROH, PWG, Dragon Gate, Evolve, Juagglo Championship Wrestling, CZW and Chikara are randomly selected to go to a remote island until only one is alive or we run out of money.  To avoid cross-over, any wrestler who wrestles in multiple companies is assigned to one organization.  The winner is granted a WWE contract where he would likely be fired within 2 months.  It's the next logical step after a few seasons of Tough Enough.

What's more entertaining than watching TNA's Kurt Angle get an arrow shot at his face by Chikara's Mike Quackenbush?  How about CZW's Lucky tHURTeen getting thrown off a cliff by Insane Clown Posse and JCW Co-Founder Shaggy 2 Dope?  Jeff Hardy as Willow and New Jack in the same room!?!?!?!?

For the sake of humanity, I hope I never get any sort of real power....

 


RANDOM WORD VIDEO OF THE WEEK!

Every week I pick a word from a random word generator, randomally select a wrestling-related word, add them together and search Youtube.

The words of this week are.....ABUSED & WCW

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fIauMCrAG8k

Tope Adebanjo

Tope Adebanjo

Been Watching Since: 1999

Favorite Wrestler, currently: Daniel Bryan

Favorite Wrestler of All Time: Edge

Least Favorite Wrestler, currently: N/A

                                       Least Favorite Wrestler of All Time: Goldberg

                                       Guilty Pleasure: Willow

                                       Catchphrase: "[Insert PPV Here] is gonna..."

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