Home Articles Main Events Kayfabe Mailbag 8/9/14

Kayfabe Mailbag 8/9/14

09 Aug

It saddens me to say that the kayfabe rankings are no more. The streak of 7 straight kayfabe rankings ends on the hands of a Brie Bella/Stephanie McMahon contract signing in the main event slot (BITCH!)

After trying to tweak the formula to make it as close to perfect as possible, I realized I ain't too good with numbers. On the brightside, for those of you who enjoyed my weekly mailbag question...YOU'RE IN LUCK! Because the kayfabe rankings have morphed into Tope's Kayfabe Mailbag! If you have any questions you'd like me to answer, tweet me at @Podswoggle or @DrTopeAdebanjo. Let's get to the mailbag!

 


Dear Tope,

ALBERTO DEL RIO WAS FIRED????!!!!!!!1 ARE YOU KIDDING ME? SUCH BULLSHIT!

-Greg from Tampa, Florida

The biggest news of the week was the release of former WWE Champion, World Heavyweight Champion, Royal Rumble Winner, Money In The Bank Winner, Slammy Award Winner, Battle Bowl 1992 Winner and 2 time NBA Champion, Alberto Del Rio. While I'll save my thoughts on the whole thing for the podcast, Del Rio's sudden departure got me thinking about the last matches for former WWE Champions. So I went though and found the last match and win (non-DQ) for the last 10 WWE Championships who:

  • Were released/quit
  • Are no longer with us
  • Forced to retire (and not with the company...so JBL doesn't count)
  • Or unlikely to be part of a WWE program in the coming months/years
Wrestler Last 1on1 Match Last 1on1 Win (Non-DQ)
CM Punk Bily Gunn Bill Gunn
Alberto Del Rio Jack Swagger Dolph Ziggler
Edge Alberto Del Rio Alberto Del Rio
Jeff Hardy CM Punk CM Punk
Eddie Guerrero Mr. Kennedy Rey Mysterio
Kurt Angle Sabu The Brooklyn Brawler
Sid Vicious Heath Slater** Heath Slater**
Yokozuna Shawn Michaels Tony Douglas
The Ulimate Warrior Owen Hart Jerry Lawler
Randy Savage Crush Crush

**Not including Sid's Raw comeback, his last match and win was against Owen Hart in 1997

 

Quick Notes

  • Edge and Randy Savage are the only two on this list to have their last WWE matches on PPV (Wrestlemania 27 and 10 respectively)
  • Punk was wrestling Billy Gunn so I don't blame him anymore
  • The Brooklyn Brawler made a list!

 


Dear Tope,

Would love to hear you fantasy book the Dean Ambrose/Seth Rollins Lumberjack Match at Summerslam

-Petey from Raleigh, North Carolina


Great request, Petey! Here's how I would book it:

I'd have Ambrose and Seth Rollins come to the ring. Great match. A lot of action. Back and forth. We go to the finish of the match. Dean Ambrose goes for Dirty Deeds but Rollins stops him. Triple H hands Seth Rollins an official WWE merchandise cup filled with Pepsi (CALL BACK TO RAW AND SMACKDOWN LAST WEEK...SLOW BURN BOOKING!) Rollins hits Ambrose with the cup of soda. Knocks him out. ONE...TWO...THREE! Rollins wins!

BY WAIT...Rollins looks at the official WWE merchandise cup and his face turns to shocked. Who does he see on the cup? CM PUNK (CALL BACK TO THE FIRST PIPEBOMB AND CM PUNK REFERENCE WITH THE CUP FILLED WITH PEPSI...LAYERED BOOKING!) Cult of Personality Hits! CM Punk IS BACK IN WWE! Right when Punk is about to hit the ring, he gets attacked from behind by a guy in a wifebeater, jeans and hoodie...who is it....WHAT?!?! IT'S ALBERTO DEL AMBROSE back after being fired! Rollins cashes in on Cena before the main event. NEW Summerslam Main Event: CM Punk vs Seth Rollins vs Dean Ambrose vs Alberto Del Ambrose HELL IN A CELL. Punk wins with a roll-up on top of the cell

 


Dear Tope,

How does Brock Lenar beat John Cena at Summerslam?

-Kenny from Bridgeport, Connecticut

Great question, Kenny! I hope John Cena watched Brock Lesnar's pre-tape segment from home because Brock Lesnar gave away his entire game plan for Summerslam. To put it simply, Brock Lesnar won't stop until he sees John Cena's...

When I heard Brock say this, the first thing I thought was "Poor Sable". The second thing I thought was Brock Lesnar has everything it takes to make John Cena do the impossible....bleed, piss and throw up all over himself simultaneously. Skeptical? Here's the hard proof on how Lesnar will complete the Red, Yellow and [Whatever Color Puke Is] trifecta at Summerslam:

 

BLOOD:

Yeah...that's the easy part...

bloodcena


URINE:

In his infamous segment back in 2012, Brock Lesnar said he would make piss run down John Cena's leg. Less than a year after that, Brock Lesnar perfected the art of making men piss themselves during the lead up to Wrestlemania 29 with Triple H.  It wouldn't be the first time John Cena pissed on WWE TV

wetpants


VOMIT:

Here's the hard one. How do you make John Cena vomit?  Everyone thought it was weird that Paul Heyman all of a sudden left Cesaro until it suddenly hit me. Paul Heyman used Cesaro for one reason and one reason ONLY....to learn the art of the UFO Spin so he could teach it to Brock Lesnar.

By adding this to his famed F5, Brock Lesnar will not only defeat John Cena but he will lay on top of a half-naked man while grabbing his inner thigh covered in blood, piss and vomit that he forced out of another man's body.  The Aristocrats!

As an added bonus, here's the gif of Cesaro making Titus O'Neil vomit after a Cesaro spin on the Thanksgiving edition of Smackdown

 


 

RANDOM WORD WRESTLING VIDEO OF THE WEEK!

Every week I pick a word from a random word generator, randomally select a wrestling-related word, add them together and search Youtube.

The words of this week are.....QUALITY & WRESTLING

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DVKD_nTFm28

Tope Adebanjo

Tope Adebanjo

Been Watching Since: 1999

Favorite Wrestler, currently: Daniel Bryan

Favorite Wrestler of All Time: Edge

Least Favorite Wrestler, currently: N/A

                                       Least Favorite Wrestler of All Time: Goldberg

                                       Guilty Pleasure: Willow

                                       Catchphrase: "[Insert PPV Here] is gonna..."

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