The Kayfabe Rankings: Week 5 has returned to Podswoggle! Speaking of returns, we had a few big ones this week: The return of Heel Paige, The return of a black guy wearing a suit, The return of Brie Bella, The return of Nikki's titty (It's really fun to say 'Nikki Titty') and of course the return of "Plan C" Brock Lesnar. We also have the return of the Kayfabe Mailbag!
If Randy Orton and Kane were Plan A and Seth Rollins was Plan B and Brock Lesnar was Plan C, what other plans did The Authority have?
-Love Keith from Riverdale, Iowa
Great question, Keith. If you look to the bottom of this page, you can vote in our poll to what you think Triple H's Plan D was but what about the other plans? Using my kayfabe 6th sense, here are some of the other plans Triple H and Co had just in case Lesnar didn't work out.
Plan E: Triple vs Cena Part 504
Plan F: Bring back The Rock for his contractually guaranteed Wrestlemania 29 rematch
Plan G: Grant Daniel Bryan a WWE title rematch....have him beat Cena....get hurt again.....strip him of the title......repeat
Plan H: Steal TNA's Option C X-Division Title concept and name Sheamus or Miz the #1 contender
Plan I: Have Sandow wrestle a match as "John Cendow" and lose the title to Seth Rollins before anyone notices
Plan J: Bring back CM PUNK.......'s Wrestlemania 29 opponent The Undertaker
Plan K: Have Cena wrestle Johnny Ace (1-0 vs Cena)
Plan L: Have Cena wrestle Kevin Federline (1-0 vs Cena)
Plan M: Rey Mysterio never got his WWE Title rematch the time Cena beat right before Punk returned....right?.....moving on....
Plan N: Have a make-a-wish kid request a WWE Title win against Cena. As they celebrate in the ring, Rollins hits the ring, cashes in and run away
Plan O: Vehicular Manslaughter (I miss people running over people in wrestling)
Plan P: Bring back CM PUNK......'s good friend Scotty Goldman
Plan Q: Put John Cena in a match where he's the overwhelming favorite. He was crumble under a pressure he's never felt before
Plan R: Force Cena into a WWE title match in which if he wins, he has to marry Nikki Bella
Plan S: Have Seth Rollins lose his MITB briefcase to Dean Ambrose. Have Dean Ambrose cash in at 4:39am in Cena's hotel room
Plan T: Vince Russo
Plan U: What's Sting up to these days?
Plan V: Have the Nexus reform but without everyone changing their current gimmicks (including Michael Tarver's current Red Lobster waiter gimmick)
Plan: W: Get John Cena his own original USA drama and hope he forgets about wrestling
Plan X: Convince Cena that Raw was canceled but they were working on a movie deal directed by Clint Eastwood
Play Y: Make him wrestle Great Khali 100 straight matches until either Khali wins the title or Cena kills Khali and gets arrested for murder
Plan U: Triple H vs Cena Part 506
Plan Z: BRING BACK CM PUNK.......and have him lose clean to John Cena in 17 seconds.
Let's go to the rankings!
Kayfabe Rankings (Through 7/24/14)
25) Jack Swagger
28) Damien Sandow
29) Titus O'Neil
FACTS/NOTES OF THE WEEK:
- Biggest Winner! - Seth Rollins (#8; most points gained this week) may have gotten his ass kicked three times on Sunday but he got a HUGE PPV win by doing absolutely nothing. Someone's been reading Hulk Hogan autobiography...
- Biggest Loser! - Remember when Fandango's (#26; biggest drop this week) first match AND win was on PPV against Chris Jericho at Wrestlemania? If so, Vince McMahon and Co are trying their hardest to make you forget. We'll always have the Raw after Wrestlemania 29, Fandango
- 'The Titty Master' Dean 'Titty Master' Ambrose (#16) had his second post-Shield decision win on Smackdown this week beating Cesaro (#7). This extends Cesaro's losing streak to 5 straight decision losses against black wrestlers (Once you go Dean, he'll make you cream....WEAK OF THE WEEK!)
- Stardust (Unranked) has a higher KPI (0.00) than Cody Rhodes (#21; -6.63). The gimmick change has worked flawlessly!
- For the first time this season, Dolph Ziggler (#19) had a positive KPI after beating The Miz on Raw. Then Bo Dallas (#4) came to town and beat Ziggler back to the negatives. Hopefully this Bo Streak ends the same way as Goldberg's.....with Bo getting tased by a drunk Scott Hall
- SANDOW (#28) STILL ISN'T LAST!!!!!!!!!
*Note: A win is roughly +3 points to your KPI while a loss is roughly -2 points.