This project has already been incredibly telling in regards to the general consensus from other reviewers. While my opinion has matched in several occasions, I have strayed from the norm, particularly the last WWF PPV I tackled, the Wrestling Classic. Sure, there was A LOT of crap involved, but there were some great matches and enough unintentional comedy to entertain me.
That allows me to clarify the mission statement of this process: this is 100% my opinion. I’m not saying something was great or horrible on a “wrestling” level. I’m saying stuff was great or horrible strictly in my eyes. I’m trying to entertain you. I’m writing this in a Sandlot T-shirt, for crying out loud. I’m not trying to be the new Meltzer here (unless you want me to be and I will happily take it away from him).
This intro is purposely here because I’ve watched the much maligned second installment of WrestleMania and I have some things to say. Thousands of words of things to say, as usual.
PAY PER VIEW NUMBER SIX- WWF WRESTLEMANIA 2
Written on 6/15/14
THE FIRST THING YOU SEE: The WrestleMania 2 title followed by AWESOME JAZZ!!! Vince McMahon is in the ring in New York, wearing a typical 1980s Vince suit. He introduces his sequined co-host, Susan St. James. Vince McMahon then introduces Ray Charles 50 percent as himself and 50 percent as Mr. McMahon.
-Yeah, Ray Charles is already the MVP of the PPV with his rendition of America the Beautiful. Patriotic images are superimposed over Charles singing, which is impressive for 1986. The last image is naturally the most patriotic: Hulk Hogan and fireworks.
-Mean Gene is in Chicago. Thank God Lord Alfred Hayes wasn’t given that gig. Gene throws it to a Roddy Piper interview. Piper cuts his usual crazy promo while Bob Orton Jr. rubs his shoulders. Piper promised to quit everything if he is knocked out, including dating women. He concludes by being racist.
-We return to New York and the participants are in the ring. What a fall in one year.
MATCH NUMBER ONE: Magnificent Muraco w/Mr. Fuji vs Paul Orndorff
-The bell rings, but Vince sets up a voiceover of the two participants that plays over the first minute of the match. That wasn’t super awkward at all.
-The pace is fast to start. I’m starting to really consider Orndorff as underrated.
-Muraco is wearing the blue version of Strike Force’s tights.
-Susan’s first comment: “All right!” It was about a backdrop.
-Susan says “Uh-oh” for the first time. I’ve heard things about this show and that statement.
-2:18 in, Vince comments on Muraco sweating profusely.
-Susan comments that a wristlock must be an ancient Chinese technique due to its torturous nature. She’s better than Mark Madden.
-Muraco is just so clumsy. The fight spills to the outside weirdly and that count had to have been pretty fast.
WINNER: Double Countout at 4:15
-We have a bullshit chant after our first match! This is “What the World is Watching” and crapping on.
-There has been no official announcement to the live audience yet. Orndorff poses and celebrates before he finally leaves.
FINAL WORD: Orndorff and Muraco are currently on two opposite ends of my personal spectrum. This match didn’t meet in the middle.
-The Fink is very confused about everything in the ring, George Steele is now in the ring and Vince cuts to Mr. T backstage still without a decision announced officially. Starrcade 1985 had this shit down.
-Mr. T is accompanied by the Haiti Kid and that wordsmith from Starrcade 1984, JOE FRAZIER. T is motormouthed as usual. In the background, Fink FINALLY announces the previous match was a count-out. What a mess. This ends and we are setting up the next match.
-George Steele is still thankfully in the ring and he is billed from Detroit?!?! Once again, plenty of cops lead Macho Man and Miss Elizabeth in.
MATCH NUMBER TWO: IC TITLE MATCH- Randy Savage (Champion) w/Miss Elizabeth vs George Steele
-An inset promo of Savage’s airs while he wears a leopard print tank top. It is typical stuff, as is Macho’s orange and yellow gear. Steele looks great in his brown sweater.
-Susan is very opinionated on this match, saying Steele is her guy and Macho is a jerk to Liz.
-Steele’s only offense is moving weirdly.
-Correction: Steele’s only offense is biting Savage’s foot. Susan encourages him to eat Macho’s whole foot.
-Steele borrows Steamboat’s lift spot on Savage one year early.
-Macho barely makes it on a top rope cross body because the Animal was way too far. It was ugly, but he made it.
-Good heel move by Savage: he hides under the ring and comes out of the other side to attack Steele from behind.
-Susan St. James would be a perfect partner to Jerry Lawler.
-Flowers are now involved. The two men loudly slap them into each other’s faces and flowers aren’t a foreign object apparently.
-Every time Susan says the name, “George”, it sounds like she is scolding a child.
-If pussy was a turnbuckle, George “the Animal” Steele would be the best at cunnilingus. You know what? He probably was anyway.
-There is so much turnbuckle foam in the ring now. I hope Macho doesn’t think it is coke.
-We have hit a dozen “Uh-ohs” in six minutes as well as the 12th time Steele has been distracted by Liz.
-Steele NO SELLS Savage’s flying elbow drop by kicking out at two! What a dick!
-Vince says “Uh-oh” and it is funny because Susan is rubbing off on him.
-Yeah, we have to keep George Steele strong at this stage in his career.
WINNER: Randy Savage in 7:08 to retain the title after a roll up with his feet on the ropes.
FINAL WORD: It’s not saying much, but it was the best George “the Animal” Steele match I’ve ever seen.
-As Steele chases after the referee, we cut to Chicago and Big John Studd and Bill Fralic, who talk and start pushing each other. Studd crushes a football with his bare hands and Finkel announces the IC Title result over the P.A. late as shit again.
-Vince and Susan are chilling in comfy looking chairs. Vince starts to talk about snakes to Susan. I think he’s talking about his penis.
MATCH NUMBER THREE: George Wells vs Jake Roberts
-Wells could be Zeus’ little brother. No music for Jake’s entrance, but he seems rushed and pissed.
-Jake comes right into the ring and starts slapping Wells, who gets on the offense shortly thereafter. A decent brawl breaks out and I wasn’t expecting Wells to not suck at all.
-Jake asks for a timeout following an impressive headscissors from Wells. Why didn’t he do more?
-Great chop from Wells! Powerslam!!! Sorry, Ray Charles! George Wells is the new MVP of the PPV. He should have gotten Lashley’s spot at WrestleMania 23.
-Susan St. James only likes people named George.
-Jake’s only offense has been a kneelift and…
WINNER: Jake Roberts in 3:06 after a DDT
-Jake wraps Damien all over Wells, especially his neck. Wells sells it great, foaming at the mouth. I’ve lost count on the “Uh-oh” front. The crowd is eerily quiet during all of this, but it fits because they don’t know how to react to Jake.
FINAL WORD: This was a perfect three minute enhancement match, particularly on a big stage. Also, I want George Wells in my wrestling company today.
-Vince and Susan wrap up the event thus far and throw it to a recap of the Piper/Mr. T feud. After that plays, we finally visit L.A. and Jesse Ventura with Hulk Hogan. Jesse is wearing the precursor to Scott Steiner’s chain mail helmet and Hogan cuts a tame, but solid promo that includes a jab at Jesse that makes both smile a little bit.
-Fink announces the guest ring announcer, Joan Rivers, who looks like a human and sounds like a bitch. She introduces the judges for the boxing match: Darryl Dawkins, whose only qualification for judging boxing is the nickname “Chocolate Thunder”, Cab Calloway and his blue ass suit and G. Gordon Liddy, who couldn’t get in and out of the ring fast enough. This is Love Boat celebrity bad. Liddy gets the most heat because of Watergate.
-The timekeeper is..HERB?!?!? I love the 80s, but I don’t know who the hell that is. He dances. Fuck him. Herb is the LVP of the PPV. (I normally wouldn’t do this, but I researched Herb and it was a Burger King campaign. Fuck him even more.)
-Fink looks really pissed about Rivers’ job at commentary. Piper enters and I expect him to punch Joan any second. Mr. T enters with his posse and gets a decidedly mixed reaction.
MATCH NUMBER FOUR: 10 ROUND BOXING MATCH- Mr. T w/Haiti Kid, Joe Frazier and Jack Donnelly vs Roddy Piper w/Bob Orton Jr and Lou Duva
-Piper jaws at T during instructions and T won’t look at him. I can feel the hate.
-Round 1 starts and I remember how much I hate fake boxing.
-Piper tells the ref to fuck off while he tries to make this interesting.
-Poor New York. This is their main event.
-This makes Brawl for All look like…Brawl for All.
-The round ends and everyone has to run in to split them up. The crowd is gone.
-Round 2 starts with the referee ungreasing Piper’s face. How exciting.
-I don’t even notice “Uh-oh” anymore unless they are three in succession like I just heard.
-T throws the shittiest fake punches. Piper gets a flurry and knocks T down for an eight count. The crowd has officially turned on T and chants “Roddy”. I don’t know how Mr. T can be gassed from fake punching.
-In between the second and third round, Orton throws a bucket of water on Mr. T.
-Piper’s Ali Shuffle is as white as you would expect.
-As bad as Herb was dancing for two seconds, Mr. T’s punching is so pitiful, I have no choice but to make him LVP of the PPV.
-Piper gets knocked down in the corner, but gets up at eight as well. G. Gordon Liddy looks so bored.
-A truly awful “punch” knocks Piper down and out of the ring. He returns at 9 and the round ends.
-The crowd hoots and hollers at the round girl, eliciting the best response of the match. Mr T. jaws at Piper now, who responds by legitimately throwing his stool as hard as he can at T.
-Round 4 starts back and forth and the punches are faker than Chyna’s everything.
-The mouthpieces are knocked out, Piper gets riled up and it’s time to get this over with.
WINNER: Mr. T in 10:24 of actual ring time via DQ after Piper throws the ref down and bodyslams T.
-The crowd boos the decision as everyone gets into it and Susan throws “Uh-oh” out like crazy. Piper yells, makes faces and celebrates as he exits.
FINAL WORD: Roddy Piper deserves a gold medal for trying, but it would immediately get revoked just for being involved in that certified stinker.
-Vince and Susan cut to Chicago and Gorilla Monsoon is in the wonderful Rosemont with Mean Gene. Gorilla introduces Cathy Lee Crosby (not Gifford) and says this is her first match in person. That can’t be good. In all honesty, she can’t be worse than Susan St. James.
-Chet Coppock is the announcer in Chicago and he sucks. He reminds me of Norm McDonald, however.
MATCH NUMBER FIVE: WOMENS TITLE MATCH- Fabulous Moolah (Champion) vs Velvet McIntyre
-Moolah gets big heel heat and McIntyre is barefoot. This is women’s wrestling, all right.
-Moolah beats the piss out of Velvet to start until one-footed dropkicks bring Velvet back.
-Velvet misses a second-rope splash and I think I just saw female-on-female rape.
WINNER: Fabulous Moolah in 0:59 to retain the title after Velvet missed a splash and Moolah forcefully covers Velvet, whose foot was on the bottom rope.
-That was so abrupt and awkward that the announcers are even confused. Crosby asks a good question about the brevity of the match being rare and she already surpasses Susan.
FINAL WORD: That was weird and terrible, but it was better than the boxing…and some 2000s era Divas matches.
-Ringside with our three commentators and Mean Gene insinuates that Cathy Lee has slept with multiple football players.
-Nikolai Volkoff and Freddie Blassie are in the ring and I swear the announcer is Norm McDonald’s dad. How does this Volkoff stuff still get such great heat? Is it X-Pac heat? Dubbed USA music plays for Cpl. Kirchner, who exists because Sgt. Slaughter said “Yes” to Mattel.
MATCH NUMBER SIX: FLAG MATCH- Nikolai Volkoff w/Freddie Blassie vs Cpl. Kirchner
-Volkoff opens the match with a spin kick AKA the best move I’ve ever seen him deliver.
-Volkoff throws Kirchner into the post and bites him on the floor to prep an awful delayed sell into the post. Watch that, John Stossel, for your answer.
- Kirchner is busted open. This isn’t a Starrcade, so I’m fine with it, especially when Mean Gene actually talks about it.
-Ref bump, Blassie throw, not working by the hour.
WINNER: Cpl Kirchner in 1:36 by pinfall after intercepting Blassie’s cane throw and hitting Volkoff with it.
-No commentary on the replay and the celebration is basically non-existent.
FINAL WORD: There has been two minutes and 35 seconds of wrestling in Chicago so far. I’m using the phrase “wrestling” loosely.
-It is main event time in Chicago already?!?! Mean Gene enters the ring to handle the battle royal introductions. He announces special guest timekeeper Claire Peller, of Where’s the Beef fame, who asks “Huh? Now?” to someone off camera. She stands up, says her catchphrase off-mic and keeps yelling it despite zero sound. She proceeds to cash her check. McDonald’s came out of WrestleMania 2 looking better than anybody else.
-Dick Butkus enters as a guest referee to a big pop. He looks better than most of the wrestlers. Ed “Too Tall” Jones is the other referee and he enters with sunglasses indoors.
-Allow me to run down the 20 participants in the battle royal:
1. Jimbo Covert from the Chicago Bears: might be Michael Elgin’s dad.
2. Pedro Morales: a great intro as a Triple Crown Champion leads to little crowd response.
3. Tony Atlas: runs like he has to poop.
4. Ted Arcidi: could blow any minute…and generally does.
5. Harvey Martin from the Dallas Cowboys: dressed like the first day of wrestling school.
6. Dan Spivey: resembles Hulk Hogan’s stunt double.
7. Hillbilly Jim: just a cool dude.
8. King Tonga: babyface Haku still looks like he murdered someone backstage.
9. Iron Sheik: sadly starting to get bloated.
10. Ernie Holmes from the Pittsburgh Steelers: ate the Steel Curtain.
11 and 12. The Killer Bees: best pop of them all for no good reason thus far.
13. Big John Studd: shows personality for once.
14. Bill Fralic from the Atlanta Falcons: looks like a natural, douchebag heel.
15 and 16. The Hart Foundation: rocking the sweet black and blue look.
17. Russ Francis from the San Francisco 49ers: apparently had a dad for a wrestler.
18. Bruno Sammartino: wrestling on WrestleMania after his stupid kid
19. William “Refrigerator” Perry from the Chicago Bears: receives a huge pop and risks everyone’s life by jumping into the ring from the top rope.
20. Andre the Giant: borrowed Hogan’s tights and takes his sweet time because he can.
-Ernie Ladd joins the commentary team. He sounds so wise. Thanks, Mr. Russo.
MATCH NUMBER SEVEN: 20 MAN BATTLE ROYAL
-I think King Tonga and Jimbo Covert are engaged in a real fight. KING TONGA AND JIMBO COVERT are the 1st and 2nd participants eliminated.
-Russ Francis reminds me of Simon Gotch.
-ERNIE HOLMES is the 3rd participant eliminated by Bruno Sammartino and Crosby has soooooo earned her pay over Susan St. James.
-JIM BRUNZELL is the 4th participant eliminated by the Hart Foundation and TONY ATLAS is the 5th participant eliminated as if it were nothing by William Perry. At least he landed on his favorite things.
-Fridge’s tank top strangely looks like it ends with a thong. Meanwhile, PEDRO MORALES AND HARVEY MARTIN are the 6th and 7th participants eliminated by one another.
-TED ARCIDI is the 8th participant eliminated in a group effort. Martin, Butkus and Jones are arguing and fighting on the floor.
-DAN SPIVEY is the 9th participant eliminated after being humbled by the Iron Sheik, who is on a roll because he is the reason HILLBILLY JIM AND B. BRIAN BLAIR are the 10th and 11th participants eliminated.
-The Iron Sheik is running riot! Along with Big John Studd, Sheik makes BILL FRALIC the 12th participant eliminated, who sells it great. Bruno Sammartino breaks the Iron Sheik’s run, making SHEIKY BABY the 13th participant eliminated.
-Bruno is impressing me. That naturally means Big John Studd dumps him out, making DA BRUNE the 14th participant eliminated. That was unceremonious.
-William Petty hits a POUNCE (trademark Monty Brown) on the Hart Foundation that thrills the crowd.
-THE FRIDGE is the 15th participant eliminated after being outsmarted by the 16th participant eliminated, BIG JOHN STUDD who was outsmarted by Perry. I didn’t think those two could outsmart anyone. That being said, William Perry is the new MVP of the PPV just for getting it so well.
-The Hart Foundation double dropkicks Andre, who does his tied in the ropes spot. The Hart Foundation nearly decapitate RUSS FRANCIS, the 17th participant eliminated.
-Andre gets untied and thoroughly takes advantage over two men. JIM NEIDHART is the 18th participant eliminated following a huge, fake sell of an Andre big boot. I don’t know why Bret Hart would climb the top rope, but he is about to go for a ride.
WINNER: Andre the Giant in 9:08 after eliminating Bret Hart with a gorilla press slam onto Jim Neidhart outside.
-Andre kindly waves as a celebration.
FINAL WORD: For a battle royal, that was harmless and enjoyable. The football players held their own and the wrestlers that needed to carry the action did. Kudos.
-We revisit Vince and Susan in New York, who are with Roddy Piper, who is using his high pitched voice now. Piper is still trying his best, but veers off course when he talks about the “gnarly bristles” of Mr. T’s hair, his dyed skin and his “Indian haircut”. He then proceeds to rub his nipples at Susan and make monkey sounds to end. YIKES.
-Mean Gene interviews Jimbo Covert, who claims Bill Fralic cheated when he cleanly eliminated him. The Iron Sheik is interviewed next and he puts over wrestling versus football. I’m glad I get to hear “CAMERAMAN, ZOOM IT!!!”
-Gorilla calls the replay of the battle royal and proves he can be part of a great team with anybody (especially Cathy Lee Crosby).
-We are introduced to the two referees required for the Tag Title match and Johnny Valiant dressed like an idiot, Greg Valentine dressed normally and Brutus Beefcake dressed like a bad 1980s couch.
-Chet Coppock sounds like Todd Barry a little bit.
-Rule Britannia blares and The British Bulldogs enter alongside the weirdest twosome ever, Capt. Lou Albano and Ozzy Osbourne.
-Can Coppock not awkwardly repeat parts of his introduction?
MATCH NUMBER EIGHT: WWF TAG TITLE MATCH- The Dream Team (Champions) w/Johnny Valiant vs The British Bulldogs w/Capt. Lou Albano and Ozzy Osbourne
-I think Greg Valentine shrunk.
-Dynamite Kid could get a ticket for speeding in the ring. #JerryLawlerJoke
-Nobody stalled their suplex better than Davey Boy Smith.
-It takes three minutes for Valentine to tag Beefcake in. It’s been a pretty good match.
-Davey Boy busts out a flawless military press slam and PerfectPlex. He is pretty damn good.
-I love that Gorilla critiques pin attempts after weak offensive moves.
-Valentine and Dynamite looks believable as hell trading blows effectively.
-It is rare seeing the referee force the heel back to the apron after faking a blind tag. This match is doing everything right.
-Valentine hits a safe and awesome-looking forward piledriver to Dynamite Kid.
-Beefcake hasn’t done much of anything and that includes being prompt to break up Davey’s running powerslam on Valentine.
-Counters getting countered is nice to see in 1986, especially when it’s Ed Leslie doing it.
-Valentine hits a gnarly shoulderbreaker and gets cocky, picking Davey up at two. That normally costs the heels.
-It costs the heels, but it also costs Dynamite Kid who just took the stupidest, most insane bump at the time.
WINNERS: The British Bulldogs in 12:04 to win the titles; Davey Boy Smith throws Valentine into Dynamite Kid on the second rope and pins him via roll-up.
-While Tom Billington’s brain bleeds on the floor, Capt. Lou hogs the spotlight on the post-match promo, which is basically a seizure. Ozzy screams “BULLDOGS FOREVER!” Mean Gene finally notices Davey Boy, who announces that the Bulldogs will now stay in America.
FINAL WORD: That flowed incredibly well. It seemed like a legit back-and-forth battle with three great professional wrestlers and Brutus Beefcake was kept to a minimum.
-Gorilla and Cathy send it to Vince and Susan, who immediately makes me sad Cathy is gone. Their headsets look like they have giant clown noses on them. We quickly cut to Jesse Ventura with Elvira and fucking Lord Alfred Hayes. L.A. looks empty, Hayes is dressed like Brother Love and Elvira’s tits are better at speaking than Susan.
-The late Lee Marshall is the announcer and it’s weird seeing him skinny. Hercules Hernandez is in the ring, rocking the gear you’ve seen in his LJN incantation.
MATCH NUMBER NINE: Ricky Steamboat vs Hercules Hernandez
-Ricky Steamboat is already working his ass off to make Hercules look decent.
-Hayes’ headset is the only one that works really well. Great.
-Hercules does a leap frog. Okay, he’s holding his end up so far.
-Elvira supporting the heels alongside Jesse Ventura is weird. It’s like listening to 2 Michael Coles in 2010.
-This is the leap frog match of the century.
-These two are really going. Hercules hits a sweet stun gun on Steamboat.
-Elvira is right in the middle, quality-wise, of Cathy and Susan.
-Herc goes for a cocky cover and he looks like a child getting their photo taken at Sears.
-I feel bad for making fun of Hercules at first. He might be joining Orndorff in the underrated worker file. If you swapped him for Chris Masters, I don’t think anyone would notice or care and that is a compliment.
-The crowd is very much into this. Good for you, L.A.
-Hercules makes that “one mistake” missing a splash and it’s time to go home.
WINNER: Ricky Steamboat in 7:29 with a flying cross body.
-Jesse complains about the referee’s count. It is so weird for the lead commentator during the main event portion of the show to be a bad guy.
FINAL WORD: When Ricky Steamboat had a bad match, I’m going to have a shot of alcohol because it will make me sad.
-The WrestleMania 2 title card indicates an edit and Adrian Adonis is wearing his pink crap in the ring. Oh yeah, Jimmy Hart is there, too. The crowd is chanting “Fatty” I think…and hope.
-A dubbed banjo plays as opposed to “Don’t Go Messing With a Country Boy” and Uncle Elmer enters, looking like a Country Bear.
MATCH NUMBER TEN: Uncle Elmer vs Adrian Adonis w/Jimmy Hart
-Elmer teases Adonis and can barely chase after Hart sprays him with perfume.
-Adonis does the corner Flair bump and bounces to make Elmer look somewhat adequate. Elmer fails delivering a punch and Adonis is knocking everything over.
-Adonis is wrestling himself. Elmer hits an awful belly bump and Adonis gets tied up in the ropes like Andre.
-Elmer hits the worst splash ever and then misses the worst leg drop ever. This bumpkin is the new LVP of the MVP. He makes Freight Train look like Dean Malenko.
WINNER: Adrian Adonis is 3:04 after a second rope fistdrop/headbutt.
-Adonis puts the boots to Elmer post-match and I think Elmer is having a heart attack.
FINAL WORD: Yeah, the rumblings about Uncle Elmer being one of the worst wrestlers ever is legitmate. Bless Adrian Adonis for making this only a dud.
-Lord Alfred Hayes is backstage with Hulk Hogan. Hogan calls him Awkward Alfred. He keeps that up with a pretty good promo, content-wise and Hogan-wise. Keep that up, Terry.
-Speaking of Terry, Terry Funk is in the ring and he is pushing Lee Marshall. He follows that up by pushing Dave Hebner, who will have none of it. Dory, who is called Hoss for no reason, is just standing around and I’m curious as to what Grab Them Cakes means in Spanish.
MATCH NUMBER ELEVEN: The Funk Brothers w/Jimmy Hart vs Junk Yard Dog and Tito Santana
-It would be wrong if I didn’t mention that Terry Funk also threw a chair into the ring before the match started.
-JYD bodyslams Terry Funk like it was going out of style.
-Tito and Terry are both in red tights. If you squint, they look like before and after pictures.
-The Funks have been on the floor twice in less than two minutes.
-Terry takes 20 headshots to the turnbuckle and gets dumped out to the floor again. Someone in the crowd yells “GO BACK TO NWA!”
-Terry Funk makes Dean Ambrose look like comatose Linda McMahon. He just audibly called Tito a son of a bitch.
-Jesse hilariously proclaims that Jimmy Hart yells into the megaphone to assist them with commentary.
-Were Terry and Hebner slow burning to something? They keep pushing with each other.
-Tito’s kickouts are really good. It looks like he is really struggling to get up each time.
-Jesse chastises Elvira for being biased. Again, his tone and delivery are great.
-JYD enters on a good hot tag and Terry takes a huge back body drop to the floor. Terry gets hardcore (naturally) when JYD slams him onto an open table and chairs.
-JYD punches Jimmy Hart. Tito slaps the Figure Four on Hoss. This is breaking down in controlled and entertaining madness. That means a cheating victory is right around the corner.
WINNERS: Terry Funk pins JYD in 11:42 after hitting him with the megaphone.
FINAL WORD: Los Angeles really drew the good straw in terms of consistent in-ring action.
-Men starting carrying out the cage for the main event. That cage was the original Baby Blue.
-We get a pretape of Mean Gene in Hulk Hogan’s private gym. While John Cena lets all of NXT use his gym, Hogan just has his doctor and Hillbilly Jim there. They set up the Saturday Night Main Event footage of Hogan getting injured and Gene talks to Hogan’s doctor, who prognosticates Hogan could suffer a “permanent back injury” if he competes. HA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! That doctor is legit.
-Hogan has strapped 100 pound around his neck and is doing chin-ups. His noises would get over huge at Full Sail University.
-Jesse is backstage live with Bobby Heenan and King Kong Bundy. Why did King Kong Bundy shave his eyebrows? The two heels go back and forth very well, with Bundy holding his own and Heenan builds him up like a billion dollars.
-Back to Vince and Susan in New York. God, Susan St. James has to be the LVP of the PPV. She is just like my mom watching wrestling. At least Mr. T and Uncle Elmer didn’t bother me the whole show.
-The cage is up and Lee Marshall introduces the special guest announcer, Tommy Lasorda, who gets a decent hometown welcome. He introduces Ricky Schroder as the guest timekeeper and the poor kid gets booed. He gets into the ring for some strange reason. The referee is Robert Conrad and I’m really sad I’m not watching him fighting with Gabe Kaplan on Battle of the Network Stars.
-Bundy rumbles into the arena. How was he never Kingpin in a movie? Hulk enters, blowing the roof off of the place. He shakes the cage, then climbs over it to enter and doesn’t kill himself doing it.
MATCH NUMBER TWELVE: WWF TITLE CAGE MATCH- Hulk Hogan (Champion) vs King Kong Bundy w/Bobby Heenan
-Hogan punches and chops away on Bundy, making solid contact every time. I’m telling you, Hogan has a chance here.
-The crowd is along for the ride every step of the way.
-This is exactly like every John Cena versus Big Show match. It isn’t bad, but it isn’t good. It’s just in that style.
-A great aerial camera is used that I’ve never seen before and never will again.
-Bundy keeps trying to leave through the door. Smart considering he couldn’t climb a curb.
-Wrestling rule: if someone has a bandage on during a match like Hogan, it is going to be ripped off and used.
-Bundy finally hits the cage and he comes up bleeding. Hogan promptly opens the wound up further with some punches and it works great because 60% of the roster hasn’t done it so far.
-Hogan’s hand is going to break with all of these punches delivered.
-Typical “Hogan can’t lift the big guy” spot with Bundy crashing on top of him.
-Every time Bundy is halfway out of the door, the crowd is terrified and Hogan saves the day just in time. Hogan is playing these people like a fiddle.
-Bundy hits both of his finishers and Hogan takes a few extra seconds before Hulking up. Jesse is fantastic here, almost losing his voice and being a funny heel while calling the action.
-Hogan no-sells Bundy’s second Avalanche and hits a BIG powerslam followed by the Atomic Leg Drop. The crowd is apeshit. Okay. Fine. Hulk Hogan is the new MVP of the PPV.
-Hogan pushes Bundy off of the second rope as he chased him and Bundy goes for the door while Hogan climbs. It is a race!
WINNER: Hulk Hogan in 10:19 to retain the title by climbing over the top of the cage.
FINAL WORD: I can't believe I have little complaints about a Hulk Hogan and King Kong Bundy match.
-Heenan tries to escape Hogan’s reach by running INSIDE the cage. He gets caught and takes a really stiff bump into the blue bars. Hogan Atomic Drops him out of the cage through the door.
-Hogan does his post-match posing as Elvira tells Jesse she will date him if he can beat Hogan. Funny. Hogan keeps doing his shtick as Jesse sends it to Vince and Susan, inset, who sign off. Robert Conrad raises Hogan’s hand.
THE LAST IMAGE: Hulk Hogan and Tommy Lasorda shaking hands and taking a picture.
THE WRAP UP
FINAL MVP of PPV: Hulk Hogan earned this. He cut great promos, owned the L.A. crowd and worked a good WWF-style main event with a large opponent. There was better pure wrestling on this show, but Hogan proved why he was the guy on this show.
FINAL LVP of PPV: The biggest Uh-Oh on this show was definitely Susan St. James.
MY FAVORITE MATCH: The British Bulldogs vs The Dream Team
MY LEAST FAVORITE MATCH: Roddy Piper vs Mr. T
WWE HALL OF FAMERS IN ACTION: 23 (Paul Orndorff, Magnificent Muraco, George Steele, Jake Roberts, Mr. T, Roddy Piper, Fabulous Moolah, Nikolai Volkoff, Andre the Giant, Tony Atlas, Pedro Morales, Iron Sheik, Bruno Sammartino, William Perry, Big John Studd, Bret Hart, Greg Valentine, Ricky Steamboat, Terry Funk, Hoss Funk, Junk Yard Dog, Tito Santana, Hulk Hogan)
DEARLY DEPARTED IN ACTION: 11 (Randy Savage, Fabulous Moolah, Andre the Giant, Ernie Holmes, Harvey Martin, Big John Studd, Davey Boy Smith, Hercules Hernandez, Adrian Adonis, Uncle Elmer, Junk Yard Dog)
FINAL THOUGHT: I understand why people would crap on this show. There is some terrible wrestling, way too much celebrity involvement and a lot going on. However, there are some great performances, almost half of the matches are watchable to very good and it beats the hell out of overrated WrestleMania 1. MULLET RECOMMENDS
NEXT TIME: My first time watching WWF's The Big Event. Uh-oh. It's in Canada. Uh-oh. It is only two hours. Not Uh-oh.