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The Best of the Royal Rumble Drinking Game

25 Jan

“What I am gonna do about it? Sit at home and drink beer!” -Paul Heyman imitating Stone Cold Steve Austin on the Rise and Fall of ECW DVD

austinmainIt is hard to verbalize why I have been forever enamored with the Royal Rumble. Granted, the Rumble is the one event every year that the majority of wrestling fans look forward to, but I have been fixated on it since I was a wee little one. I always knew that this event could also break down the preconceived notions that non-wrestling fans had and bring everyone together in revelry.

It took the Royal Rumble Drinking Game to do that, but I am a proud papa nevertheless. The best idea I have ever had (while sitting on the toilet) is entering its sixth year of existence, and over two dozen people will again convene together on Sunday to watch, drink and enjoy.

So, to get ready for the festivities, I decided to repeat what I did after last year’s Royal Rumble and create a definitive list of greatest Royal Rumbles. This time, however, to fully encapsulate the craziness and hilarity that this game provides, I will count down the 26 greatest moments in Royal Rumble Drinking Game history.

If you are unfamiliar with the rules, I encourage you to check out Augie’s article from last year. I also encourage you to keep reading.

 

PODSWOGGLE'S ROYAL RUMBLE DRINKING GAME!

-Write down the names or numbers of the entrants in the match onto index card. For this year’s Rumble, we will unfortunately use numbers again.

-Divide your group into three teams and draw cards until each team has 10 entrants.

-Take a shot of beer when:

  • One of your wrestlers enters the match
  • Eliminates someone from the match
  • Or is eliminated himself. (Auxiliary rules will be detailed later.)

-If your team draws the winner, every member of your team must chug a beer. If you personally drew the winner, you chug TWO beers.

 

It is really that simple, but it never plays out boringly. Here are the 26 moments that make this game a slobberknocker.

 

26. Abyss Almost Kills the Love of My Life

That’s right; there are moments here that go beyond the actual Royal Rumble match. TNA rears its ugly head everywhere.

In the annals of the Rumble Drinking Game, we have all been waiting for someone to “pitch a perfect game.” That would entail having all 10 of your entrants enter the ring without eliminating anyone, consisting of only 20 shots. It has never happened in a full blown Rumble match, but…

Before Bound for Glory 2010, Impact Wrestling featured a “Gauntlet for the Gold” that awarded the winner $25,000. My beautiful future wife, Samantha, her friend Jordan, Rich and myself did the drinking game for this match and the girls drew Abyss…who proceeded to eliminate everybody in the match except the winner, Kurt Angle. I took the minimum amount of shots and Rich still had to chug a beer because he drew Kurt Angle, but I have never seen Samantha so inebriated and forlorn than she was downing shot after shot because of Abyss. She still curses him to this day (and might be dreading Ryback this Sunday just because of Chris Park).

P.S. After reading this over, Samantha had to remind me that entrants came in EVERY 30 SECONDS, making the effects all the more worse.

 

25. Taking the Rumble Digital

Sometimes we get tired of watching old Rumbles in which the result is a foregone conclusion. When that bug bites, we strike up the most recent WWE video game and simulate a Rumble to drink to. The results are always the same: eliminations come in a little bundle, the action is a little slower and someone in the last three entrants always wins. However, if you want to get a good buzz in a pinch, this is the way to go. I don’t know where the video is from my birthday weekend in 2010 while the group was in Orlando and we tested this out for the first time, but I wish I had it so I could show Augie, Rich and myself pretty loopy on our hotel patio smoking cigars and talking bullshit. That all happened because of a video game Rumble Drinking Game. Give it a shot; you won’t be disappointed.

 

24. The Macho Man Rule

The first time we drank to the 1991 Rumble created one of the funniest moments in Drinking Game history when Randy Savage never showed up. The looks on Rich and I’s faces was priceless because we had no idea what this meant for the game. So, the Macho Man Rule was created: if your team draws a wrestler that never makes it to the ring, you take one shot for his “elimination” and then dole out a shot to another participant or team. It’s small, but it was still a critical moment in the growth of the game.

 

23. RJ Hearts Rey

Wrestling’s Rabbit’s Foot, RJ Mills, probably thought wrestling was stupid his entire life. That all changed when he participated in his first Rumble Game: the 2006 Rumble. His wide eyes as he saw the great things Rey Mysterio could do got him hooked forever. That is the kind of special moment that can happen in this game. Drinking beer to the Rumble will make you become a sad Evan Bourne fan.

 

chainsawfoley22. Matt Hates Chainsaw Charlie

One of the earliest memories I have of doing the game with old Rumbles is so small, but always brings a smile to my face. Our good friend, Matt White, did the 1998 Royal Rumble with us and drew Chainsaw Charlie. For nearly 30 minutes, Matt yelled, swore and cried as Terry Funk hung on, eliminated multiple people and generally pissed Matt off. His whine of “Chainsaw Charlie, GET OUT OF THERE!” is a classic, but won’t be Matt’s last moment on this list.

 

21. The Experiments

Much like Drew Carey, the random foods and drinks that have been imbibed during the Drinking Game as alternatives to beer deserve their own spot on this list. Diet Chocolate Fudge Soda, Moxie, pizza rolls, bread, mustard, pork rinds and prune juice are just a few of the things that have been attempted with disgusting results every time. Hell, I did the game with water once when I was sick and I still felt bloated at the end of the night. If you are straight edge or can’t drink for whatever reason, find something weird to do the game with. You will feel the same as everyone else, trust me.

 

20. Ice Cream Sandwiches Stands Above the Rest

All of the experiments aside, nothing topped Rich’s sick prank on Matt White. One night, Rich couldn’t drink and did half of an ice cream sandwich for every shot in the game. He made it to nine full sandwiches before he threw in the towel, feeling sicker than hell. However, the next time that Matt played the game with us and couldn’t drink, Rich convinced Matt to eat ice cream sandwiches instead because “it’s a piece of cake.” Rich didn’t tell Matt how many he had done and then sat and watched Matt eat 18 ICE CREAM SANDWICHES before tapping out, feeling incredibly worse than Rich. Matt would have been mad when Rich told him of the ruse, but he was far too sick to have any energy for anger.

 

19. 2005: The Year of Knees

No moment while you are drunk is funnier than rewinding Vince McMahon tear both of his quads in the 2005 Rumble…except Paul London’s entrance earlier in the match. The first time our friend, Jeff Spalding, saw that entrance, he gave Paul London the nickname of “Butter Knees.” It has stuck and become a favorite Rumble moment for a lot of our group (if only everyone saw this). Now, if we can only come up with a cute name for Vince’s moment. Maybe Kevin Nash Knees?

 

kane

18. Don’t Pick Kane

Setting Abyss aside, the drinking game record for shots provided by one wrestler is naturally Kane in 2001. Every time Kane enters the ring in 2001, the look of terror on whoever’s face is palpable. 13 shots are coming that person’s way and it never feels good because it comes in two big chunks. This Sunday, whenever Kane enters, the collective buttholes of everyone who has to drink for him will pucker one more time just like it does every time we drink to 2001.

 

17. Augie and I are Good Boyfriends

One evening, Samantha and I went over to Augie and Lauren’s house and did the 1988 Royal Rumble. For some reason, Lauren and Sam got really drunk that night and Augie and I had to deal with their touchy-feely BS. So, as we talked them into a drunken slumber while trying to avoid rape, Augie and I participated in the first two-man Rumble Drinking Game with the 1990 Rumble. By the end of it, Augie and I felt like Sam and Lauren. We thankfully weren’t touchy-feely with each other.

 

16. The Mil Mascaras Rule

The first non-live Rumble consisted of Augie, Rich, Tope and I doing the 1997 Rumble following the 2009 Rumble. Besides another moment that will be revealed later, it will forever been remembered for establishing the Mil Mascaras Rule. When the elderly Mexican legend leaps over the top rope onto Pierroth and Cibernetico, we had to stop and decide what that meant for the game. It was fairly simple: a Superstar that eliminates himself deserves two shots: one for his elimination and one for the fact that it still counts as eliminating somebody. It is just funny to me that Mil Mascaras will forever live on in my life in some capacity because of this game and creates bad news any time somebody is stupid in the Rumble.

 

15. 2007 on Record

The Royal Rumble Drinking Game precedes our podcast, but the two have collided with our “Rumblin’, Bumblin’, Stumblin’” series. When we recorded while watching the 2007 podcast, everything came together for a wonderful time. We shit on Melina, we discovered that Hardcore Holly goes together with Mickie James’ TNA theme way too well, and that a group of people on our show makes it feel all the better. Our friend Robert’s analysis on this show is fantastic. Give it a listen.

 

14. The First Rumble Podcast

In the wake of Samantha almost getting alcohol poisoning from Abyss, Rich and I wanted to actually drink a lot that night and put on the 1993 Royal Rumble. We also got the microphones out and found out that this idea of watching and recording would create really funny moments. Add in our good friend, Jordan, and Bob Backlund opening his eyes, the bar was set for future Drinking Games and Podswoggle podcasts. You can listen to this show right here.

 

13. 3 Games in One Night

Our podcast section concludes with a Drinking Game record. Rich, Whidden, Podswoggle contributor/editor Sara Solano, and I did the 1988, 1995 and 1997 Rumble in one evening. It lasted until 5 a.m. and ended with a trip to McDonald’s breakfast. The final of those three podcasts can be heard on our showand you will never hear Whidden any more drunk. It hasn’t been done since, and I don’t think it will because it takes a lot out of you. The ride to get there is pretty great, though.

 

chocobananas

12. Kofi’s New Name

The cast of characters that has taken part in a Rumble Drinking Game is eclectic. It has included parents, perfect strangers and people who have no idea what is going on. One of those people was Madison Kirby, who lives with Rich now and is fully aware of wrestling. Back in the day, though, she was the girl that was a complete lightweight and said outrageous things to the point where Samantha would write down her quotes. While rewatching the 2009 Rumble, Maddie coined the best nickname for any wrestler ever. No longer was he Kofi Kingston. He is CHOCOLATE BANANAS. Racist? Maybe. Hilarious? Absolutely.

 

11. 2012 is Hot and Spicy

Tope is straight edge. So every time he has participated in the game, he finds an alternative. His favorite is pickles, and you will find here and later on in the Top 10 that it is absolutely ridiculous that his favorite is pickles. Last year, Tope was stoked for the match and the pickles. After a Herculian effort to open the damn jar by multiple people, Tope got ready to enjoy until Rich noticed that these were HOT AND SPICY pickles. Tope doesn’t like spicy foods. Tope can’t eat spicy foods. Tope almost drank beer. Tope forever change the attitude of my toilet over the course of the next 36 hours. Tope will read labels a little more closely for the rest of his life.

 

10. Savio Vega: Your Winner?

As I mentioned earlier, the 1997 Rumble was the first time we drank to a non-live Rumble and that was Augie's idea. As we drew the cards for the match, Augie plucked out the name of Savio Vega. As soon as he read that name, Augie started cursing and complaining. He suddenly remembered this Rumble and knew that he had just drawn the winner. Back in those days, Rich and I kept our mouths shut to keep the suspense of the match up for the people who didn’t know what was going to happen. So, once Savio Vega entered, we sat in silence as Augie realized what an idiot he was. Savio was eliminated less than a minute after his entrance by Stone Cold…who Augie drew as well and royally fucked him up. The precedent was set with Augie’s botch that going back and drinking to the other Rumbles was a fantastic idea.

 

9. Rich Repeats and Makes Excuses

In 2009, Rich started his own streak: drawing the winner of the Royal Rumble and paying the consequences. As soon as the Randy Orton card touched his hands, Rich knew he was screwed. This year, at least he knew it. We will get to my allusion in just a little bit.

Also in the Rumble, Santino Marella broke a 20-year record for Rumble futility. Rich’s face when this happened went from embarrassment to depression to immediately backing up Santino’s claim that “he wasn’t ready!!!!” The first ever Rumble Drinking Game rewind wasn’t to catch an elimination or catch up with drinking; it was Augie’s insistence that we look at the seven sad saps who dejectedly lowered their “SANTINO” sign in the third row when their boy lasted 1.9 seconds in the ring.

These are crucial moments in Rich’s history because it certified the past and preluded the future. You will know both of these played out later on the countdown.

 

8. The Osaka Surprise

When Rich and I tackled the two hidden Royal Rumbles on the podcast, I never thought anything would happen that was incredibly noteworthy, but I was wrong. As Rich and I were in the middle of the Osaka Rumble, we were already feeling a little drunk and had no idea what was coming next. As the ring announcer bellowed out that the next entrant was being accompanied “by Paul Bearer”, I spat my entire shot out of my mouth in shock and agony. I couldn’t believe that the Undertaker, who was supposed to be on a sabbatical in the summer of 1994, was in this match. He naturally won and I was livid. You can hear the anger and desperation right here.

 

edge

7. Edge and Pickles Betray Tope

For the live 2010 Rumble, Tope broke Rich’s winner streak in a weird way. After feeling totally confident when he saw he only had William Regal left to enter the ring, Tope was completely conflicted when Edge’s music hit, replacing Regal in the match and the Drinking Game. His boy had returned, but Tope was eating pickles for the Rumble. When your wrestler wins and you aren’t drinking beer, you still have to follow the chug rule. So Tope took out a shot glass and did 9 straight shots of pickle brine. Tope swears up and down that he pissed green the next day. It was all thanks to his favorite wrestler making his surprise return and ruining his evening. Although, if you ask Tope, he will tell you it’s William Regal’s fault.

 

6. Gina versus Matt

Last year was the second time we instituted the rule that personally drawing the Rumble winner forced you to chug two beers. So when number 29 was being counted down, good old Matt White turned to me as his team captain and asked that I pray for him that number 29 (the number Matt drew) wasn’t Chris Jericho. As soon as those lights went to black, Matt’s scream was hilariously sad.

It all boiled down to Matt represented by Jericho and our friend, Gina, represented by Sheamus. For several minutes, these two were hanging on every move. When Sheamus finally Brogue Kicked Jericho for the win, Matt was relieved and Gina resorted to drinking the rest of the HOT AND SPICY pickle brine from Tope’s jar because she couldn’t chug two beers. She later begged me for milk, and I happily provided it. Two years in a row, a female has personally drawn the winner and avoided chugging two beers and for five years now, I have never had a winner in a live Rumble. This year hopefully will change only one of those things.

 

5. Augie Goes Beast Mode

The Rumble was 1998. The night was normal. None of us knew the legend that would be born. As we prepped for the game, Augie received a call from Lauren and, needless to say, a donnybrook erupted over the phone. Augie spent the first half of the Rumble in the other room, yelling and arguing. Upon his return, the only thing Augie wanted to do was drink a lot of beer. He asked Rich how many shots he owed, and Rich responded with a number that is often debated. I believe it was at least 15 shots. Over the next 30 seconds, Augie caught up completely. It was magical seeing someone in the zone, pouring and drinking with proficiency. Augie puked that night, but it was a well-earned puke that nobody that was there will ever forget.

 

4. The 1994 Rumble Claims Scott

Our good friend Scott Arel didn’t partake in many Rumbles. He was too busy playing the "Top Gun" theme on his guitar per Rich and I’s request and working. But one night he did play along for the 1994 Rumble. Once Scott picked out the name of Bret Hart, I knew that Scott was about to have a fun evening. When Lex Luger exited the bowl into the hands of Scott, I knew history was happening. For almost one hour, Rich, Augie and I sat with baited breath until Scott learned the horrific truth: this Rumble has two winners. Scott’s incredulous laughter was followed up by the two slowest and saddest chugs ever…and another Rumble Drinking Game leading to a vomit.

 

3. Yoshi Tatsu and Fellatio

In 2010, I started to really hate Yoshi Tatsu. My braggadocios mouth blurted out one of its many idiotic bets: "if Yoshi Tatsu won the 2010 Rumble, I would suck a man’s dick." I rooted for him heavily in the #1 Contender’s Battle Royal for the ECW Title to avoid the mess altogether, but was thwarted. When the time came during the 2010 Rumble, his music hit and the entire apartment immediately burst into a collective chant of “SUCK A DICK! SUCK A DICK! SUCK A DICK!” I felt like Bobby Heenan doing commentary in the 1992 Rumble. I was an emotional wreck, sweating and rooting for Shawn Michaels and John Cena like nobody’s business. Less than a minute later, I was vindicated and he was gone, but I will never forget the group mind of all of my friends hoping an overrated Japanese wrestler caused me to place a penis inside my mouth. Friendship!

 

2. Mystery Entrant #4

The very first Rumble Drinking Game consisted of just Rich, Zangre and I. It was a new endeavor that we weren’t sure would catch on. 26 names were confirmed and four cards were labeled as mystery entrants. As #30 was being counted down, Rich wasn’t concerned as much as I was, holding Triple H. Once the music kicked in and John Cena lifted his head up, we knew that the Rumble Drinking Game was here to stay. All of the hatred in the world for John Cena pales in comparison to the hatred Rich expressed to him that night. It was a night of many firsts, and Rich was the butt of the joke. Speaking of which…

 

santino

1.Tears in Their Eyes

Less than 48 hours before the 2011 Royal Rumble, a group of us were hanging out, enjoying our evening, and Rich and I naturally began speaking about the upcoming Rumble. When the subject of Santino came about, Rich made a bold declaration: If Santino Marella won the 2011 Royal Rumble, he would chug a beer through his penis. He laughed. As if, right?

Two days later, we were sitting in the middle of the greatest moment in Royal Rumble Drinking Game history. Upon Santino’s entrance, no one was the wiser, particularly when he was knocked through the ropes by Ezekiel Jackson. In the midst of Alberto Del Rio’s victory, we were too caught up to remember that one man hadn’t gone over the top rope.

Then you see a head peek out from the far side of the ring. Rich immediately got hard.

As Santino reentered the ring, prepping the Cobra, the man had tears in his eyes. As the dozens of people in my apartment are hooting and hollering and laughing, Richard Edward Camillucci IV had tears in his eyes as he lay on my kitchen floor, being held ever so caringly by Sara. This was going to happen.

Lo and behold, Santino took too much time and Del Rio still won the match. But the fact of the matter was simple to all of us: he witnessed one of our dear friends see his life flash before his eyes. How was Rich going to chug that beer through his penis? Would it legitimately kill him? Would he be so happy that it didn’t matter?

No other moment in Rumble Drinking Game history summarizes the greatness of this event like Rich, laying in fear of his genitals and seeing his face mirrored by his favorite wrestler for completely different reasons.

 

So this Sunday, if you feel like making the Rumble all that much better, get some beers and some buddies and wait for the laughs. You won’t be let down.

Chris Mullet

Chris Mullet

Been Watching Since: 1987

Favorite Wrestler, currently: Dean Ambrose

Favorite Wrestler of All Time: CM Punk

Least Favorite Wrestler, currently: Corey Graves                                   

                                      Least Favorite Wrestler of All Time: Jeff Jarrett

                                      Guilty Pleasure: Scott Steiner

                                      Catchphrase: "The EMT looks like Rock and Roll Buck Zumhofe."

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