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All Decked Out: Enter the Fluffer

17 Sep

valvenismain“Fluffer (noun) a person in the adult entertainment industry whose job it is to give male porno stars blowjobs in order to get them ready to perform.

Example: Dammit, the lighting's all wrong, we gotta change it. This will only be a couple minutes; have the fluffer work on Jeff to keep him ready.” - Urban Dictionary

After watching the Night of the Champions I want to add another definition for this word.

Fluffer (noun) the finishing move of a professional wrestler (sports entertainer) performed at a pay-per-view event that does not actually finish off the recipient.

Example: At the Night of Champions CM Punk hit John Cena with the Go To Sleep multiple times- and even locked on the Anaconda Vice Grip- but neither fluffer came close to finishing off Cena.

Not only did CM Punk hit his best moves, he also utilized the finishing moves of the late “Macho Man” Randy Savage and absentee Superstar The Rock.  For some reason, wrestlers have much more endurance during pay-per-views, as if they are juicing on the wrestling equivalent of Viagra.  The problem with multiple kick-outs from these so-called finishers is that it renders the moves as ordinary as an off-camera bj during a porno movie.  What should be a capper becomes a means to an end.  And often, the end isn’t worth the diminishment of a move as devastating as the Go To Sleep which, if I had my way, would result in the fake death, 6-week write off of any opponent who received it.


Blame it on Alberto Del Rio

bffs

People treat Alberto Del Rio with a disinterest that cuts much deeper than hate.  It’s not that he’s doing his job as a heel too well, or that people are “bored” with a character that is trapped in the same developmental limbo that affects Randy Orton.  It’s that we are jealous.  Not of the affluence, the cars, the scarves or the commitment to those terrible little wing tattoos on the back of his shoulders.

What we are jealous of in this day of hundreds of Facebook “Friends” and Twitter “Followers” is the fierce loyalty of his best friend, Ricardo Rodriguez.

Whenever we see Ricardo sacrifice his body and dignity for the personal and professional advancement of his beloved friend, we secretly wonder how many of our friends would do the same for us.  And the answer hurts- it plagues our restless minds which search desperately for someone in our lives who looks up to us the way that Ricardo looks up to Del Rio.  We respond to this harsh truth with the only weapon we as wrestling fans have at our disposal- and that is an absolute indifference to Mr. Alberto Del Rio.

So the next time you post something on Facebook and inevitably resent all of your friends for not Liking it or Commenting, do yourself a favor: don’t compare those friends to Alberto’s only one.  Because, like Del Rio’s campaign to wrestle the World Title from Sheamus, it is simply a losing proposition.


Dolph Ziggler: We Must Break You

broguezigglerSurely the fans looked at who they attended the event with, compared them unfavorably to Ricardo Rodriguez, and decided to punish Del Rio by chanting another heel’s name.

Either way, once again the fans are way ahead of the decision-makers at WWE.  Just as the case was with Daniel Bryan and CM Punk, fans are eagerly waiting for Dolph Ziggler’s turn in the spotlight.  And in a business as precarious as this, where one botched move can end a career, they’ve already underutilized the talents of Ziggler.



…. And Still Predictions Champion!

Wrestling scribe Solace Winter (@solacewinter on Twitter) has made wrestling pay-per-views a lot more fun with her predictions contests.  Back at Money in the Bank, I out-predicted over a hundred wrestling fans to become the champion.  The win was tainted, because the reigning champion Cody Cook (@tolkienite) took Money in the Bank off.  It set the stage for a “Real Champion VS. Current Champion” showdown at SummerSlam.  Cook, considered the greatest Solace Winter Predictions Champion of all-time, is the only person to ever win 3 consecutive pay-per-view contests... going into SummerSlam, I was worried about my chances but prevailed.  And at Night of The Champions, my title was stake once again against numerous challengers and- thanks to predicting Zack Ryder to win the Battle Royal and Randy Orton to beat Ziggler- I retained my title.

In the lead up to my showdown with Cody Cook at SummerSlam, a mysterious superfan of my predicting prowess emerged.  Apparently, this figure, known as “The Black Solace”, takes his lead from WCW’s infamous Black Scorpion.

Here’s what The Black Solace had to say:

YouTube link can be found here: http://youtu.be/xgxHUlVzTmM


When Cody hurled reasonable accusations that I was the man behind the mask of the Black Solace, the Black Solace responded...

YouTube link can be found here: http://youtu.be/xtbIWr4Cp4g


Anyone wanting to step up next month to try to take my precious, precious predicting championship can do so by following @SolaceWinter on Twitter and joining in on the fun.  In the meantime, enjoy this music video I made for my band, Synthetic Division.  In it we take a massive beating at the hands of the Brothers of Destruction, the Undertaker and Kane.

YouTube link can be found here: http://youtu.be/mdwrwhBdhRI

 

Hear more of Shawn’s music at:
http://synthetic-division.com

Subscribe to Shawn’s YouTube channel:
http://youtube.com/MyPetVirus

Shawn Decker

Shawn Decker

Been Watching Since: 1985

Favorite Wrestler, currently: Dolph Ziggler

Favorite Wrestler of All Time: Ric Flair

Least Favorite Wrestler, currently: Tensai

                                      Least Favorite Wrestler of All Time: Col. Mustafa  

                                      Guilty Pleasure: Brodus Clay's back-up dancer, the one on the right.

                                      Catchphrase: "I got my mind on my mocha and my mocha on my mind."

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