Carmella, you're a [Bleep] [Bleep]ing Gutter Slut" -Christy Hemme
Heat. No, not WWE's former Sunday Night Wrestling show. And no, not the Michael Mann crime thriller starring Al Pacino. And especially not that cult in Miami run by Pat Riley. I'm talking real, true pure wrestling heat. Hart/Michaels. Hardy/Edge. Angle/Jarrett. The thing that makes us say to ourselves "Man, these two people really hate each other". It's rare that you get that in current WWE and even rarer that you get that with the Divas. But there was one summer night in 2004 that created what I've deemed The Greatest Divas Segment In The History of Our Sport.
Let me take you to August, 30th, 2004. It was the first day of the 2004 Republican National Convention, Greg Maddux and the Cubs beat the Expos 5-2 and Randy Orton was the World Heavyweight Champion after beating Chris Be[CENSORED] two weeks earlier. But this day will be known for one reason and one reason only: Diss The Diva.
When I sat down to write this article, it simply started out as a Retro Diary on the WWE’s 2004 Divas Search. Slowly, the article started to sound like the rambling thoughts inside the head of a serial killer. Less than an hour after that, my article started sounding like I was constructing my suicide note all while still writing about girls in bikinis shaking their ass. I finally knew something was wrong when, for 10 straight pages, I typed, “All Divas And No Play Makes Tope A Dull Boy”. Between a 'Seduce Kamala' Contest and a Literal "Pie Eating" Contest, the 2004 Divas Search is one of the worst things WWE has ever produced. Ironically enough, within all this terribleness, WWE decided for one week to shed the silly challenges and have a glorified shit-talking contest.
After re-watching the Diss The Diva segment 10 straight times, I decided to dissect this segment and show that even Divas can provide their own pipebombs.
Let's start with the lovely Joy Giovanni:
Joy: "Thank you, Stacy. Amy, hmmm, let's see - (grabs Amy's breasts) - little too firm for my tastes. Christy, like to spank it? I think you need to learn how to get a good spanking (spanks Christy)."
'Boobs too firm' and 'Doesn't Get a Good Spanking' #FirstWorldPornStarProblems
Joy: Carmella, you talk a lotta shit, but you got a gap so wide you could drive a truck right through there, baby. Anything else to say - noooo. Carmella has nothing, she's weak and little, she doesn't even wanna be a diva, you guys."
And the flood gates have opened! Unless Amy was talking about the gap in Carmella's teeth. Also, I think they attempted driving a truck through a gap in Scene 3 of "Backdoor To Chyna."
Next up is the lovely Amy Weber:
Amy: "Joy, you need to learn how to lick a pie.
Amy: "Christy, you need to settle your ass down.
Not so sadly, this also isn't a metaphor.
Amy: WHORE, you don't have any respect for the WWE, you know shit about wrestling, and guess what? Having a cock in your mouth, has nothing to do with wrestling - BEEITCH!"
First off, I love the fact that WWE censored 'mouth' but not 'cock'. Second, I'd love to sit down with Amy Weber and get educated on what she actually knows about pro wrestling. I'm guessing she's a huge Chikara fan. And third, depends on the cock.
Not to be outdone, here's lovely Carmella DeCesare:
Carmella: "I thought you were jealous of me, Amy? You didn't wanna - you didn't wanna - you didn't wanna be me, right? You don't wanna be me? Who tried out for Playboy, Amy? And they LAUGHED. They laughed. And Joy, what a great role model you are, Mom. What a great role model. Talk shit on TV. Yeah, shake that fat ass. Shake that fat ass! Shake your fat ass."
That's three "you didn't wannas' and three 'shake that fat asse"'. WWE dropped the ball on Carmella (can't believe I said that even in jest) by not giving her a gimmick where she repeats everything she says. The more I think about it, Mr. Kennedy totally stole Carmella's gimmick...........gimmick.
Carmella: "Christy, I hope you win, honey. That's all I have to say. If I don't win this contest, I hope you win, that's all I have to say."
Awwww, that was sweet. There's no possible way such a sweet lovely gesture can go unrewarded...
And finally, the lovely Christy Hemme:
Christy: "Didn't your mothers tell you not to mess with fire? It's HOT. And I WILL burn you."
Our first actual metaphor of the segment! And it sucked!
Christy: (shakes her chest) "Joy, is this the only thing you can do?"
Wait for it.....
Christy: "Amy, it looks like you been suckin' on something sour, 'cause those lips look like a fish."
........Wait for it.......
Christy: "And Carmella, you're a cum-guzzling gutter slut."
THERE IT IS! You can have your millions of catchphrases, Chris Jericho, Ric Flair or Dwayne, but this may be the most un-PG, vulgar and (oddly enough) thought-provoking phrase ever said in TV wrestling history. Is Carmella a gutter slut because she cum guzzles or does she guzzle cum because she's a gutter slut? So many layers! All I know is that "cum-guzzling gutter slut" is the best thing to come out of a diva's mouth since Bret Hart was having Sunny Days. Christy Hemme may be a sub-par ring announcer and an even worse in-ring performer but, because of this moment, I will love her forever.
Scumbag Christy Hemme
Christy: "And guys, I'm gonna come down on all of you."
[Insert obligatory Kelly Kelly Joke Here]
And what better way to end this segment than with Stacy Keibler awkwardly saying "I...I like your flexibility" after Christy Hemme does a split. The perfect ending to a perfect segment. The night ended with Eugene beating Triple H in a No DQ match, but this night will forever belong to four angry girls in bikinis yelling at each other for the chance to get fired in two years. Most importantly, I'm proud that I was able to get through this entire article without once using the word "bitch" in a derogatory way. To Christy, Carmella, Amy and Joy, I salute you for making me love Beth Phoenix, Sara Del Rey, Kharma and all the females wrestlers that much more.
You can follow Tope for more on his opinions on life, wrestling and crazy ass bitches @TopeAddABanjo