I’ve been in hibernation this summer. In part to escape the heat (I write all of my Podswoggle columns outside whilst wearing John Morrison’s fur coat) but also to save up energy for this special edition birthday column. This year, instead of blowing out one big candle with a “37” on it, I am painstakingly forcing my loved ones to fit 37 candles on a small cake... why? So each of my specific wishes will come true.
Why do you care? Because they are about rasslin’!
Here are my wishes, in no particular order.
1. A Rey Mysterio/Sin Cara tag team. I want a reason to care about Sin Cara, and a WWE Tag Team title run by these two would be great, especially if it culminates in a WrestleMania singles match showdown.
2. An AJ/Daniel Bryan in-ring wedding.
3. At the reception, a gift is opened and AJ is scared senseless by Santino’s Cobra, which KO’s Bryan and sets up a U.S. title feud.
4. The feud ends with a Bryan victory during a house show. The match is not recorded nor is it televised. It’s a classic that 57,312 fans will later claim to have seen despite an announced attendance of merely 2,332 people.
5. Brock Lesnar wins a pay-per-view match.
6. Okay, Brock Lesnar wins two pay-per-view matches.
7. A Four Horsemen stable surfaces, combining the forces of two faces and two heels: CM Punk, Daniel Bryan, Dolph Ziggler and Christian.
8. They are led by Ric Flair.
9. Who never wrestles -- or bleeds -- again.
10. Bob Backlund returns as a manager. As does Mick Foley.
11. Monday Night Raw’s 3-hour episodes are actually good.
12. I win Solace Winter’s Twitter Predictions title at SummerSlam.
13. The Undertaker grows his hair out like Kane did. It can happen -- that family has great genes!
14. Kane and the Undertaker reunite to challenge tag team champions Sin Cara and Rey Mysterio.
15. Jack Swagger turns face and wins the U.S. title. He gives stirring post-match promos about why he loves the United States that brings many fans to tears.
16. More Make-A-Wish Kids show individuality by picking Jack Swagger over John Cena.
17. I can make Make-A-Wish jokes because I was a Make-A-Wish Kid. (I met Depeche Mode at age 14 in 1990, a few years after I was diagnosed with HIV... I’d already met Ric Flair at that point. “Woooooooooo!” to all the Make-A-Wish kids out there.)
18. Beth Phoenix reigns over the Divas to the point of issuing a January challenge to the Undertaker for a Mania streak-breaking attempt.
19. WWE Champion CM Punk walks out before the Royal Rumble match next January, cuts a great promo and volunteers as entrant #1.
20. He lays the belt down in front of his feet, looks to the ramp, and tells the other 29 wrestlers: “You don’t have to wait until WrestleMania to have your shot -- so come on down!”
21. Final Four are CM Punk.
22. The Undertaker...
23. John Cena...
24. And The Rock at #30.
25. CM Punk wins and immediately challenges the Undertaker.
26. I need to take a number off, thinking about how awesome that Rumble would be...
27. I’m back! And so is Raven when a time warp brings him from WCW circa 1998 for a run against CM Punk. Man, WCW wasted Raven. I cried when he lost his U.S. title to the undefeated Goldberg. I still say WCW zigged when they should have zagged when booking that match. Raven would have never ended Bret Hart’s career with a botched move.
28. Okay, I just re-watched Goldberg VS. Raven for the US title match on YouTube. Goldberg’s weight was announced by Michael Buffer as “...unknown.” For my 28th birthday wish, I’d like the result of that match to be reversed. How is the champion, Raven, supposed to properly prepare to defend his title if he doesn’t know the weight of the challenger? Bullshit.
29. The Rock comes back and isn’t an annoying little shit this time.
30. The Rock and John Cena give me someone to cheer for and root against when they reignite the worst feud of the last decade. Seriously, I’d care more if Kofi Kingston and R. Truth started feuding.
31. Dolph Ziggler is backed by writing that makes people care about the incredible matches he puts on every time out.
32. Vince McMahon never dances on TV again.
33. Brock Lesnar makes Triple H tap out at SummerSlam.
34. Brock Lesnar is backed by fresh writing that isn’t recycled from 2011.
35. Goldust returns to the WWE for a blood feud with Cody Rhodes, with Goldie as the heel and Cody as the face. Feud begins at Royal Rumble with surprise return by Goldust, who punishes an injured Cody, refusing to throw him over or let anyone else do the job.
36. Feud ends with a classic First Blood match at WrestleMania.
37. Better commentators on Raw- bring back Jesse “The Body” Ventura and pair him with Scott Stanford. I’ll settle for good ol’ J.R.
Thanks for hanging with my birthday wishes. I realize that by sharing them in such a fashion I have probably made them less likely to come true. If that’s the case, I’ll just have to think of a 38th wish to add to the list...
But next time I’ll keep them to myself.