“What a weird strange trip it’s been.” – Any stoner in any yearbook ever.
This is the second of a two-part retro diary, covering WCW Thunder from February 11th, 1999. If you read part one, you’ll remember that I covered WCW Thunder from February 4th, 1999. Why do two random weeks of WCW Thunder? Well, they both happened on the same night, and I was there live!
After watching both weeks of Thunder over the last few days, it is now painfully clear that the awful Faces of Fear match I remember was on this episode, and is “highlighted” in painful detail below. Some highlights and lowlights as usual, which basically sums up WCW in a nutshell. You can pretty much consistently on each show see the best and worst thing you’ve ever seen, all within a two hour window! (Tony Schiavone commentary excluded, as that is always a blessing and a curse no matter the content of the actual program.) So let’s get started, shall we?
00:12 – Torrie Wilson is hitting on some random unknown person at a dive bar. You see her from the eyes of the guy she’s hitting on. Since Thunder was taped in Providence, does this mean they were at the Friendly Tap?
02:55 – Tony Schiavone makes his mark early. “That’s why it’s called SuperBrawl. It’s going to be a super brawl from beginning to end.”
03:00 – As usual Schiavone promises “We have great matches tonight on TBS.”
04:15 – Mike Enos/Bobby Duncum, Jr. vs. The Faces of Fear in the Double Elimination Tag Team Title Tournament. So that’s why I had to watch these teams wrestle twice in one night? Fuck.
04:57 – Bell rings.
06:07 – Enos and Meng finally lock up.
07:28 – Bobby Heenan notes “Enos is no midget.” A rare miss by The Brain.
12:18 – We have our second piledriver of the match
12:28 – Mike Tenay credits Bobby Duncum’s “upper neck development” for being able to kick out of that piledriver. OK.
16:45 – Barbarian appears to literally break Bobby Duncum’s ass on an inverted atomic drop
16:50 – Why is this match still going on? It’s been like 12 minutes…not including the commercial break that was cut out.
17:28 – A second powerslam spot.
17:49 – Barbarian, at the direction of Jimmy Hart, for no fucking reason, comes into the ring and gives two Mafia kicks to Meng.
18:08 – Duncum pins Meng. If Barbarian was just going to turn on Meng in the end, did this match really need to be like 17 minutes long? What the mother fuck. And why did Barbarian fight along side Meng that whole time? Why didn’t he just attack him at the beginning of the match?
19:04 – The first of many odd segments involving Kanyon and Raven (or Scotty, as his mother calls him). Starts off with Kanyon walking up to what is supposed to be a very nice house, saying, “This is ridiculous. How many homes do they got?” So Kanyon has visited multiple Levy houses? After having now looked up this and the Torrie promo on YouTube, I am saddened to realize that these are just retreads of vignettes that aired on Nitro. This is worse than the Raw Rebound on Smackdown, because they are scattered all throughout the episode. Oh well, let’s just assume you have not just watched Nitro from February 8th, 1999.
19:45 – Raven’s mom leaves Kanyon to watch Raven while she goes to a board meeting. Raven remarks to the camera (as an aside, in true Bugs Bunny fashion), “What a mark.”
20:15 – Raven – “What’s to be depressed about? I got cars like these.” (nice cars in the garage). Kanyon – “Why you always driving around in a piece of crap?” Raven (to the camera, another aside) “He don’t get it.” You know what, I DON’T GET IT EITHER!
22:15 – Replay of some Nitro action where Scott Steiner attacks DDP in the parking lot. DDP and Steiner brawl, and the security holding back DDP allows Steiner to jump into DDP’s car and drive away.
23:00 – Steiner speeds towards DDP, and Kimberly comes falling out of the passenger door, smacking into the floor. Poor girl, she gets a concussion every week. I think this would be OK in TNA, because Steiner is never shown hitting her. Mike Tenay notes, “Wherever Scott Steiner is, there’s gonna be problems.” Ain’t that the truth?
24:45 – A commercial for WCW’s wrestling buddies ripoff, called the Bash n Brawlers. The difference? These say shit when you touch them. Great catch phrases such as “You smashed my head!”, “Hey, get off my nose!”, and “You busted my arm!”
25:15 – Konnan’s response to getting booted out of the n.W.o. by Kevin Nash? “Now that whole crew of strawberries that follows you and Hogan around are gonna have to pay.” I have no words. I am pretty sad that over two episodes of Thunder, I did not hear one “monkey on a cupcake” reference.
26:55 – Great, more Kanyon and Raven. They show up at a bank. Kanyon is surprised that Raven knows the bank manager. Raven withdraws $10,000 in ones, and $10,000 in big bills. Kanyon asks what all the ones are for. Raven rolls his eyes at the camera as if Kanyon is so stupid for not knowing that the ones are for a strip club. Excuse me, Kanyon is not stupid. He’s just very very gay. Rest in peace. Raven says to Kanyon, “We gotta get you the right look.” Does…this…mean…MAKEOVER!!!!!
29:00 – Lash LeRoux makes his way to the ring. Tons of crowd noise for this entrance. This means one of three things: 1. The crowd loves him (chanting LeRouuuuuuux). 2. The crowd hates him (chanting Boooooooo). Or 3. For some reason, WCW piped in a shitload of boos for fucking Lash LeRoux. I’m going with number 3.
29:18 – His opponent? Super Calo! I liked Super Calo for some reason. I think it’s because he was usually wrestling El Dandy, which I believe is Spanish for The Fairy. Little help Augie?
30:01 – Piss poor short arm clothesline from LeRoux
30:34 – Tope Con Senton (or whatever it’s actually called) by Calo. I forgot how much that move fucking rules.
31:06 – LeRoux overshoots Calo on a flying cross body block…32 seconds after taking the Tope Con Senton on the floor.
31:20 – Two god-awful chops by LeRoux. Thank god for Lash LeRoux, I was getting a little bored by the adequate wrestling action tonight.
31:47 – LeRoux executed a Northern Lights Suplex, but turned at the last second so it was almost like a side slam. I have never seen that before, and have no idea if it was on purpose. So it was either a botch, or one of the coolest moves I’ve ever seen.
32:10 – Calo with a dreadful abdominal stretch. Instead of hooking the arm behind him, he grabbed a wristlock. Has to be seen to be believed.
32:30 – LeRoux hits Calo with a suplex, and almost spikes his own head by leaning back to far on the fall.
32:50 – Two more lame chops from LeRoux. I’m beginning to understand why he was drawing cartoons for the Apter Mags instead of wrestling.
33:29 – When I would watch Super Calo back in the late 90’s, I used to wonder how his hat and glasses never fell off during his matches.
33:58 – Another awful chop by LeRoux followed up by an awful back elbow in the corner.
34:17 – LeRoux botched the landing on a monkey flip. He was supposed to land on his feet, but fell down. As would be expected.
34:40 – Nice double jump missile dropkick by Calo.
35:03 – In true Thunder fashion, Calo is pinned 23 seconds later following what looked to be a cross between and F-5 and a Cradleshock. The one move Lash didn’t botch was his finisher. Better to go out looking like a star then knowing how to chop or perform suplexes.
36:06 – Torrie is hitting on the mystery man again, this time in her limo. God, she’s acting like a total whore.
36:25 – Out of nowhere, an awesome video package airs hyping the Tag Team Title Tournament, starting with a nice history of the title, highlighting start such as Arn Anderson, the Steiner Brothers, and Harlem Heat. They then start talking about the teams in the current tournament, pegging The Faces of Fear as one of the top teams vying for the titles. The same team that broke up and was eliminated from the tournament a half hour ago. If they had only shown the history portion of this video, it would have stayed awesome.
39:12 – Glacier is talking backstage with Sonny Onoo and The Cat. I think Glacier wants to sell his ring entrance to The Cat!
41:30 – Fit Finlay and David Taylor vs. Chavo Guerrero and Billy Kidman. Chavo has really aged. Finlay looks exactly the same. Chavo does not come out with Pepe. Sadness.
42:47 – Bell rings. Me: “This is gonna be awesome!”
43:00 – Tony Schiavone – “Both teams are wasting a lot of time here, as the bell has already sounded.” Need I remind you that it took Mike Enos and Meng over a full minute to lock up? It’s been 13 seconds, and Schiavone is bitching.
43:34 – Bobby Heenan – “I have a right to my opinion.” Schiavone – “No you don’t.”
44:34 – Finlay and Taylor are awesome.
44:44 – Finlay stomps the fingers of Chavo. Awesome.
45:23 – Finlay with a cravate. Awesome.
46:05 – Finlay begging off. Awesome
46:18 – Finlay asking for a handshake. Awesome.
47:00 – Great dropkick from Chavo on Finlay.
47:36 – I think Finlay has worked the entire match so far. Four and a half minutes plus the commercial break.
48:07 – Tag to Dave Taylor, who delivers a European Uppercut. Awesome.
49:28 – Kidman misses a cross body and goes soaring over the top rope, awesomely. Tony Schiavone – “He may have broken an ankle, or…twisted an ankle.”
49:50 – Finlay goes to slap Kidman but ends up slapping the ring post. Awesome.
50:15 – Finlay yelling “Come on Kidman! Come on champion!” Awesome.
50:35 – Crowd meekly chanting “Finlay sucks.” LIARS! Every last one of them.
51:20 – Taylor lures Chavo away from his corner just as Kidman is going for a tag. Awesome. Teasing the second team breakup of the evening? Sadness.
53:14 – Finlay is holding a chair. Chavo comes off the top rope and missile dropkicks Finlay in the back. The problem? This pushes Finlay into Kidman – steel chair first. Awesome. Makes so much more sense than Jimmy Hart telling Barbarian to kick Meng 16 minutes into a boring ass tag match.
53:35 – Finlay pins Kidman after a tombstone.
54:00 – Glacier sold his ring entrance to The Cat and Sonny Onoo. Now he wants to sell his ring gear. Kaz Hayashi walks in and is very interested in Glacier’s gear. Glacier will sell him his gear for $5000, but Onoo tells Hayashi $25000. Glacier will sell him his belt for $1500, but Onoo tells Hayashi $15000. Hayashi, being a stupid, foreign rube, will gladly pay Onoo’s price for these items. Kaz Hayashi has $40000 to pay for old ring gear?
55:27 – Torrie is now taking the mystery man on an elevator. I am beyond confused at this point. But she looks good, and that’s really all that matters.
56:42 – Raven takes Kanyon to Versace to buy him some clothes. Kanyon mispronounces it. Raven turns to the camera, proclaiming “What a maroon.” Bugs Bunny indeed. Beyond stupid for sure.
57:05 – SHOPPING MONTAGE!!! This was actually pretty awesome, but the rest of the segments were utter shit.
57:45 – n.W.o. Wolfpac member Disco Inferno (really? Even Disco was in the n.W.o.?) vs. Chris Adams. Was he even still alive in 1999? Was Disco Inferno the Santino Marella of the 1990’s?
59:01 – Chris Adams is finally acknowledged as being a participant in this match.
1:01:02 – Disco threw Adams into the railing outside the ring and somehow managed to slam the back of his own head into the camera so hard that the lens was off center.
1:01:22 – Awful back elbow by Disco
1:01:43 – Adams is very white and kind of flabby…maybe he’s already dead. Weekend at The Gentleman’s anyone?
1:01:56 – They cut backstage because obviously something more important is going on. And it is! Kaz Hayashi has purchased all of Glacier’s gear, except for the headgear and the contact lens. The Cat wants those for some reason.
1:04:01 – Botched backslide by Adams on Disco. I’m sure it was Disco’s fault.
1:05:05 – They go outside the ring for the third time this match.
1:05:31 – Adams is on fire. He’s an angry ghost. A savage specter. An evil entity. A pissed off presence.
1:05:47 – Adams comes off the top rope and takes a fist to the gut.
1:06:07 – Adams quickly recovers and hits a powerbomb on Disco.
1:06:20 – And a mere 13 seconds later, Adams misses a superkick and takes a shitty Chart Buster and is pinned.
1:07:26 – Torrie is now opening the door to her hotel room. She says to the mystery man, “What, you don’t think I’m trying to seduce you, do you? Why don’t you sit down, I’ll be right back.” Keep that in mind.
1:07:55 – Mean Gene interviews Kidman about the problems in his tag team with Chavo. Kidman says it’s ok, because they aren’t a regular tag team, and they just didn’t know where each other were going to be. Mean Gene – “You can’t use that as an excuse.” Mean Gene is stirring the pot! “Lack of communication. It’s more than that. I think he’s trying to undermine you.” Prick heel Gene Okerlund. I love it! Kidman says that the ball was dropped. Chavo clotheslines him, and Gene says “Hey, gee, what the di”. Gene caused all of this and the acts surprised when someone snaps. Mean Gene “Get him out of here!” I literally just witnessed Mean Gene Okerlund break up a tag team during an interview.
1:10:30 – More Raven and Kanyon. Kanyon – “This was the best day of my life.” We hear a car coming close to the house. Raven (to the camera, as an aside) – “The witch is home.” They hurry back inside, because apparently when Kanyon was babysitting the “depressed” Raven, they weren’t allowed to leave? Raven’s mom tells “Scotty” WCW wants him to come back to work. Raven says to the camera – “She’s not too bright is she?” What was the point of all this? The only thing I understood was that Kanyon needed a makeover, and he got a real snazzy one. Other than that, I’m totally fucking lost. Here, you be lost too.
1:18:00 – Tag team main event. First team out? Van Hammer and Kaz Hayashi. Van Hammer is now a hippie for no apparent reason. And Kaz Hayashi is Glacier. Was this tag tournament Lethal Lottery style? Didn’t Kaz Hayashi main event in Japan? I sure hope they win the double elimination tag team title tournament! Their opponents? Dean Malenko and [name removed] representing the Four Horsemen!
1:20:36 – Van Hammer drew hippie things on his rock n roll jeans with highlighters and magic markers. And they are tucked into his boots.
1:22:15 – Tony Schiavone, reacting to Mike Tenay explaining something so that we can understand what is going on – “Right you are, oh Professor!” What a cocky, fat prick.
1:22:50 – Bobby Heenan and Mike Tenay are arguing over who got Glacier’s eye. Tony Schiavone – “It was a contact lens. Am I the only one that realizes this here?” Actually quite a funny little exchange.
1:23:25 – Kaz holding Malenko in a front facelock for Hammer as he enters the ring. Hammer just pulls Malenko away and applies an armbar.
1:25:27 – Van Hammer takes a leg lariat from Dean Malenko…and falls forward.
1:26:23 – Van Hammer is very angry for a hippie.
1:26:43 – Hayashi hits a big move on Malenko and tags in Hammer. Time for the hope spot/hot tag segment. Hammer walks into the ring, takes a drop toe hold from Malenko, and Malenko tags in [name removed]. How do they keep fucking these up?
1:26:51 – [name removed]’s chops are so much better than Lash LeRoux’s.
1:27:22 – Inexplicably, for the second time this match, the following spot is performed. Partner A holds opponent A outside the ring. Partner B executes a baseball slide. That really needed to be done twice in this match?
1:29:41 – Bobby Heenan – “Hayashi should be wearing his tin suit.”
1:30:25 – Great Doomsday Device/Hart Attack type move on Hayashi. Way better than Darren Young and Titus O’Neill’s version, which has since been replaced with Demolition’s finisher.
1:30:35 – Hayashi taps to the Crippler Crossface. It’s ok to say Crippler right?
1:30:56 – Show ends. What perfect timing, a mere 21 seconds after the match ends. Lots of importance on the Horsemen’s big win.
Final Thoughts: Where the fuck did Torrie Wilson go? What was the point of the Raven/Kanyon vignettes? Glacier was the man (on this episode only). Finlay and David Taylor was the best thing I saw on these two episodes. Clearly this episode was taped before the live episode aired, as the announcing was much less insane, and the guys that wrestled twice looked much better on this show. Two tag teams broke up. One, because Jimmy Hart said so. The second, because Mean Gene Okerlund was a conniving prick. And somehow the second one made so much more sense.
Hopefully you enjoyed my second ever retro diary. And look for more to come! And remember, you can find me on Twitter @Milldog311