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The Diary Of Kane

04 Jul

“The wonder of the world is gone, I know for sure. All the wonder that I want, I found in her.” – “Slow Chemical” by Finger Eleven

beginningDoogie Howser, M.D., Doug Funnie, Anne Frank. What do all three have in common? Besides the fact that they were all young, they were all known for their diaries and/or journals.

I’m sure everyone has heard of the popular saying, “Don’t judge a book by its cover.” It’s a simple way of saying that you shouldn’t judge the worth and value of someone or something based just on the outward appearance alone. Well, I have no idea who came up with this saying (despite much Internet research), but I believe that the author came up with this saying with the idea of a journal or diary in mind. Even though a person looks like he may be one way, that person’s journal or diary is the ACTUAL book that shows you that you shouldn’t judge them just by first appearance alone. Such a great play on words! And if there is one person right now that we definitely shouldn’t judge just by appearance alone, it is the Big Red Monster himself, Kane. Because underneath that long hair, both masks, and full body outfit that looked like it has tiger stripes printed on it, there is a ladies’ man that would put the Bob guy from the Enzyte commercials to shame. Don’t expect Kane to smile like him, though.

It’s a record of women that would make Jerry Springer see dollar signs. Nevertheless, throughout this whole time, we have heard what everybody else has thought. The only person that we haven’t been able to hear what he thought about each and every woman was Kane himself. Well, that has all changed. One night at the Swoggle Squad sleepover that we were having, I was triple-dog dared to STEAL KANE’S DIARY! And I don’t know what made me more perplexed: The fact that I had to do it or the fact that Kane actually has a diary. Nevertheless, I was given all the information as to where to find it by Mullet (who truly knows EVERYTHING when it comes to wrestling), and off I went.

When I finally got to Kane’s house and got myself inside (through ways I cannot mention in order to save myself from legal trouble), I snooped around. And under the socks in the top left drawer (right where Mullet said it would be), I found it! It was a red covered book and it was titled “The Diary of Kane.” I opened it and started reading it. I was shocked at what I was reading! And before I could get caught, I was out the door (or nearest available window) and back to Gainesville. I had done it. So, without further ado, here are just a couple of excerpts from Kane’s diary all about his love life.



Man, it finally feels good to get away from feuding with my brother. And since I did, life has been good. X-Pac and I are World Tag Team Champions again. He has been instilling confidence in me, and now I’m not afraid to be me. I don’t even need that electric voice thing anymore! I hated that thing. It made me sound like a robot, and I hate robots! Especially that one in Rocky IV. “Happy birthday, Paulie,” my ass. But I also have my first girlfriend in a long time, Tori. Man, is she beautiful. Soft white skin. Long blonde hair. Not to mention she can hold her own in the ring. And red sure looks sexy on her. It’s my favorite color! Needless to say, with my girlfriend by my side, life is far from Hell. It is still very hot, though. Oh yeah.


The Big Red Monster is certainly not having a very Merry Christmas. X-Pac and I are not friends anymore. He betrayed me and even called me a “burnt piece of crap.” I couldn’t understand it. He taught me that I can actually be human and then does this? It confuses me more than why the Headbangers wear skirts. Thankfully, I have Tori to help get me through it. However, since I lost my WWF Championship match to the Big Show, she’s spending Christmas with X-Pac. And instead of singing Christmas carols and opening presents with me, she’s singing and opening something with X-Pac. I never wanted a Christmas to go by so fast. And I still feel bad about putting that Santa impersonator at the mall in the hospital. But I just saw red after I heard him say, “Ho, ho, ho.” At least Paul Bearer got me new wrestling boots. Thanks, Dad.



I just got betrayed again. This time by my true love, Tori. X-Pac told me that ever since that Christmas weekend that Tori spent with him, they have been seeing each other behind my back! I am so crushed. So much, in fact, I’m back in the mental institution. At least they kept my old straight jacket around. And I still retained the ability to write with my pencil in my teeth. But still, I trusted Tori and did everything for her. And this is how she repays me? I am so hurt. I tried to be human and have actual feelings, but I think it is best to go back to the monster that I am. We’ll see. I have to go, though. Dad is on his way, and he said he wanted to talk to me about something. I wonder what it is. In the high-pitched voice of his. Sounds like Mickey Mouse choking.


THANK YOU DAD. It just goes to show you that when life gets you down, your family can certainly pick you back up and light a fire underneath you. Not literally, though. Figuratively. After Dad got me out of the insane asylum, I was able to get a little revenge against X-Pac and Tori tonight at WrestleMania 2000. Rikishi even gave Tori the stinkface! And underneath my mask, I had a smile from ear to ear. This is the perfect first step to getting back to who I am. The Big Red Monster. But I certainly don’t have to stop being human, either. I can find that right balance. And once I do, I have no doubt I can be a better wrestler than I have ever been. Even better than that Isaac Yankem, DDS character. Who the hell was that? A wrestling dentist? Stupid. Well, I’m hungry. Time to grill some burgers over an open fire.

terrirunnelsTerri Runnels


FREAKS RULE!!! Man, it feels good to be a tag team champion again. And especially with a partner that wears a mask like me! Don’t worry. He’s not burnt like me. He actually thinks he is a superhero. And I thought I was the weird one. But I felt so good after we won. In fact, I felt so good, I did something crazy. After the match, we were being interviewed by Terri Runnels. She is the one with the big boobs and I mean BIG. I just couldn’t help myself. I grabbed the back of her head, leaned her back, and planted a big kiss on her! I hope I wasn’t being too forward, but I was just so damn happy. Maybe I’ll apologize to her next week. But until then, I’M READY TO GO CELEBRATE! TO THE BAR, BATMAN!

katievickKatie Vick


Why is it that every time things start to go good for the old Kane-ster, someone has to rain on my parade? I’m a double champion right now! For the second time! Take that, haters. Get on the Kane Train! And at No Mercy, I get to face Triple H for the World Heavyweight Championship! But, to get into my head, Triple H is going too far. What else is new? He told everyone about Katie Vick. I haven’t thought about her in many years. My dear friend. I was over what happened, but now, Triple H is even saying that he has a tape of me having sex with Katie. AFTER she died. Are you freaking kidding me? And he is going to show everyone! That is sick to think I would do something like that! There is NO WAY he can have a tape like that. Something like that could be the end of me. It could be the final nail in the coffin of my career. And as I say that, the lights went out. Either Taker is here or I forgot to pay the electric bill again. Please be electric bill…


So tonight was the night. Triple H came out and said he was going to show the tape of me doing the unthinkable. Cuddling in the coffin with Katie. Sounds nice, but far from it. I was sweating bullets underneath my mask. More than when I was in, you know, THE FIRE. I could barely look. But when I did, an immense weight was lifted off of my shoulders. It was a fake! It was Triple H, dressed up like me, and having mock sex with a mannequin in a coffin. It kind of weirded me out that he would go to such great lengths to get inside me head like that. He must have been scared that I was going to take his title. However, I couldn’t help but laugh when he did the whole “screwed your brains out” part in the end. That was hilarious! And since it looked like he used ground beef for the brains, I have had the biggest hankering for tacos. TO TACO BELL!



It certainly has been a rough time for me. I’ve lost multiple World Heavyweight Championship matches, had to go through the whole Katie Vick fiasco, and was forced to unmask myself.  I have had more bad luck than Marty Jannety. But I think I found someone to help me forget all that. I’m in love with Lita. That’s right. In love. I don’t know what it is, but there is something about her that just makes me forget everything. Makes me forget that I am a monster. Well, except for little Kane. I mean, my penis. It is a BEAST. And even though she is not returning the favor, I know she must be playing hard to get. I want some of that love, fury, passion, and energy. She is still on and off with Matt Hardy, but I’ll show her that I am the better man than that Version 1 lunatic. I hope she can moonsault and hurricarana in bed the same way she does in the ring. SHWING!


Everything has worked out the way that I wanted it to. Lita is now my wife and she is carrying my baby! She first said that Matt Hardy was the father, but I knew she was lying. I could feel that it was a little red monster growing inside her. I’m going to be a father! Even though she has tried to get me to ruin the pregnancy, I’m smarter than that. I want my legacy to continue long after I am gone, and Kane Jr. is the perfect way to do that. It doesn’t matter if it is a boy or girl. It will still be named Kane Jr. Then, after I beat Matt Hardy at SummerSlam, Lita and I got married! Oh, it was beautiful. It was the wedding I had always dreamed of. Except for when Matt Hardy tried to interrupt and object. I took care of him, though. Also, I kind of wish that it could have been a spring wedding. I’m a sucker for that season. But now, there is nothing stopping Lita and I from starting our family. After we are both done with wrestling, I can’t wait to build that white picket fence I have always wanted!


Kane Jr. is gone. And I’m in the hospital. And it was all my fault because I was so angry. When Lita came in the ring to stop me from crushing Gene Snitsky’s throat, that damn Snitsky grabbed the chair, hit me in the back, and caused me to land on top of Lita and the baby. After the doctors did everything that they could, they couldn’t save the baby. I mean, Lita’s face when she lost Kane Jr. was scary. It was a scarier sight than Sycho Sid. Then, I lost to Snitsky on Taboo Tuesday, and then he crushed my throat. He keeps saying that it is not his fault. Over and over and over again. Such crap! So now I’m in a hospital, Lita is all by herself, and we have no more child. While I am gone, Snitsky better not give Lita too much of a hard time. I swear to God, if he punts a baby…


And right on cue, after I lose my child, I lose my wife. I swear, currently, I’ve had a losing streak the likes of an one-armed person in a Pat-A-Cake contest. It all came crashing down thanks to Edge. Edge. What kind of name is that, really? At least Kane sounds a hell of a lot better than EDGE. I don’t even think I can listen to “Living on the Edge” by Aerosmith anymore! Now Lita and I’s divorce is finalized. I had it all. A wife. A kid. And now it’s all gone. I was so close to that white picket fence! I’ll tell you this, though. I’m not getting married ever again. Not because it is such a hassle. But because I hate wearing rings on my left hand. And as far as having a kid goes, well, it would be good to have a Kane Jr. sometime. Man, I feel like cooking s’mores. Time to start a fire.


kellykellyKelly Kelly


So the rumors in the back are going around that Kelly Kelly has a crush on someone. Man, I hope that it is me. I mean, I’ve been liking her for a while now, and this may finally be my chance at a great relationship. No marriages, pregnancies, or necrophilia. Just something normal. Maybe I should just ask her who she has a crush on, and take the initiative. Show her how strong I am. And how strong I can be. You know, with my penis. I see the way she looks at me. She is practically telling me with her eyes that I am the one that she wants. Or as Vince Vaughn said in “Wedding Crashers,” she is “eye fucking the shit out of me.” Love that movie! So come Monday, I’ll just ask her and show her that I can be strong and nice at the same time.


Well, that was a bad idea.


It’s all over. I was going to try to hopefully get a second chance to talk to Kelly Kelly, but unfortunately, Stephanie McMahon put a stop to all that. Not only was I ordered to stay away from her, but I also had to apologize to her in front of everybody. Something that I cannot do easily. I mean, I haven’t even apologized to my dad for all the bad things I have done to him. And he’s my DAD! But come to find out, Kelly Kelly lied to me! The Miz wasn’t the one she had a crush on. It was Randy Orton! I guess she liked it when he made her RK-Oh. I mean, orgasm. I just don’t understand why I get lied to all the time. And especially by blondes. But they get theirs in the end. Orton even told Kelly Kelly he didn’t want a relationship with her. Kelly Kelly, say hello to karma! I’m definitely done with blondes, though. They may have more fun, but they are some crazy bitches. Until next time, I think I’m going to go catch some fireflies.  


I guess it goes to show you that you should never judge a book by its cover. And with the whole AJ thing happening currently, I wonder what Kane is going to say about this in his new diary. We’ll just to wait and see when I try to find it again. I’ll tell you one thing, though. It probably won’t be in the sock drawer, again. And I am not looking in his red underwear drawer.

Even though Whidden does not own a journal (or he won’t admit that he does), you can still follow him on Twitter @MKWhidden. He’ll be sure to let you know just how life is going for him and make you laugh once or twice

Michael Whidden

Michael Whidden

Been Watching Since: 1994

Favorite Wrestler, currently: Kevin Owens

Favorite Wrestler of All Time: Stone Cold Steve Austin

Least Favorite Wrestler, currently: Matt Hardy

                                      Least Favorite Wrestler of All Time: Gangrel

                                      Guilty Pleasure: 3 Minute Warning

                                      Catchphrase: "Everytime I pick Triple H, I lose"

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