While watching the programming currently being churned out by the folks at the WWE, I noticed something…or rather, noticed a lack of something. There are no rednecks. No hillbillies. No trailer park dwellers. No cowboys. Where have all the cowboys gah-ahhhh-on? (Yippie yo. Yippie yay.)
I’m ignoring TNA on this one. I’m aware that there is some tag team called Beer Money that may or may not still exist. From the three or four times I’ve decided that my life sucks enough to watch TNA, I gather that their gimmick is that they’re a couple of good ol’ boys who like to raise hell, drink beer, and then beat their opponents (before going home and beating their girlfriends).
Beer Money: If Big And Rich were even MORE retarded.
Considering the plethora of blue-collar Americans that make up the WWE Universe, it’s amazing to me that for the first time that I can remember we don’t have a champion of the working man (i.e. a redneck) represented in the WWE.
I just want to hold the snakes too, you scummy old hag.
Professional wrestling catapulted to incredible heights on the backs of men whose entire character consisted of them shunning the “fancy big-city boys” they were feuding with. If you go back and watch any Mid South or early WCW show, I DARE you to find a promo where some guy in a Speedo and a cowboy hat doesn’t run down some well-to-do, silver-spooned, pretty boy that isn’t immediately followed by a cutaway to a member of the audience with a mullet and only 75% of their teeth, cheering as if Brooks & Dunn were performing a concert on the back of Gravedigger while three 17-year-old girls waved Confederate flags while wearing Pabst Blue Ribbon bikinis.
Hell, the only SORT OF redneck hero the WWE still has is Jim Ross. And they’ve buried him behind the scenes. I don’t count HBK showing up every couple of months wearing a cowboy hat, jeans, googly eyes, and a tshirt to cover his retirement gut (which he EARNED, dammit!).
Where the fuck is his left eye looking?!!!
Look at all of those fucking cowboys!
Granted, they list three incarnations of Bradshaw (Bradshaw, JBL, and Justin Bradshaw), list the individual members of the Smoking Gunns AND the team itself, and have both Double J and Jeff Jarrett listed, but it was most likely a redneck who put this list together.
And those are just the wrestlers that were specifically “cowboys”. What about all the fantastic redneck characters that have graced the WWE rings over the years? Haystacks Calhoun isn’t on that list. Neither is Hillbilly Jim. Hacksaw Duggan may not have worn a hat, but he was undeniably a redneck. Duke “The Dumpster” Droese captured the hearts of every meth-head in America. The Smoking Gunns were a top tag team for years, as were the Godwinns (who gave us, at the very least, a reason for Sunny to wear countrified outfits). Even Thurman “Sparky” Plugg or Bob “Spark Plug” Holly (still would love to know WHY they changed his name right after his debut) was, well, a thing…for a bit…I guess.
There isn’t a wrestling fan alive who doesn’t know of the ultimate blue collar champion, “The American Dream” Dusty Rhodes. He and Cowboy Bob Orton must be SO frustrated backstage watching their sons, their legacies, walk to the ring wearing just a pair of trunks. I can only imagine what a conversation would be like behind the curtain:
Cowboy Bob Orton: Son, why not just try the hat on? I think you’ll like it. The fans love it.
Randy Orton: No dad! I’m the VIPER! I don’t want to look stupid.
Cowboy Bob Orton: You’re breaking this ol’ cowpoke’s heart, son. (Single tear falls down his weathered face.)
Dusty Rhodes: Well, I say, I say, I say, uh Mister, uh Cowboy Bobby Orton, baby, is right sssssson. If ol’ Randy he-yuh isn’t going to wear the hat-uh, why not put it on-uh, and strut, whoooo baby, down to that rang?
Cody Rhodes: I hate you, dad! I’m not wearing the (cross bite slur) sssstupid hat! Come on, Randy! Randy? Randy why are you taking all those pills and injecting that into your ass?
Honestly though, the supposed greatest Superstar of all time was a beer-swilling, jean-shorts wearing, 4-wheeler-riding, cussing, fightin’ redneck. Of course I’m talking about Alex Wright.
Ja! Un dance like un cowboy. Yippie kay yay, mutterficker!
The Rattlesnake. “Stone Cold” Steve Austin is arguably the most popular wrestler of all time. The reason that he was so popular was in large part due to the fact that the white trash in the audience looked at him like their social class’s Savior.
I think the lack of a single redneck wrestler in the WWE is a travesty and I’m calling upon the higher ups at WWE to re-brand one of their failing stars as a rootin’, tootin’, lasso-toting, 10-gallon-hat-wearing, sumbitch. If we are supposed to buy Prince Albert as a mysterious Japanese warrior, I’m sure we could take the leap and accept Alex Riley as Alex “Rustle ’Em Up” Riley.
Know your audience, WWE. Your fans are arguably 70% rednecks. These are your REAL fans…mainly because it’s still REAL to them, dammit!
(Never gets old.)
We need more rednecks.
Sorry, I’m just sayin’ what needed to be said.