“Why be second best at anything?” – Paul Heyman
Wrestling has been making as much use of the Internet and social media as possible since Vince McMahon figured out the difference between Twitter and text messaging (which I’m sure inevitably led to some mind-bendingly graphic mix-ups).
Another Internet sensation sweeping the web: My Little Pony: Friendship Is Magic. I watched all 26 episodes of the first season in about a week and a half (and all 26 of the second in roughly two days), and each one was more fantastic than the next. You could write this off as my vapid little lady head getting distracted by the delicate mix of a primary and pastel color palette, adorable Flash animation, and catchy musical numbers about innocuous things like dress-making and cupcake-baking. Or it could be the totally awesome things like a blatantly racist zebra-centric episode, pronouns like “everypony,” and city names like Canterlot and Manehattan. Either way, bronies and pegasisters can unite as one to appreciate all that Lauren Faust has contributed to Tumblr culture.
As part of pony lore, when each pony finds what he or she is destined to do as their special talent (presumably whatever they wind up doing for pony society, which seems limited considering the Mane Six live in multi-million dollar treehouses and boutique apartments and library palaces, and at least half of them seem gratuitously unemployed), they gain their cutie marks sometime in their adolescence. A cutie mark (like a beauty mark…gettit?) is a small design on the pony’s flank that showcases this discovery. For example, Fluttershy speaks with animals and is known for being soft-spoken and sweet and displays three little butterflies. Rainbow Dash has a mullet (not to be confused with ours) and a penchant for zooming through the stratosphere like a lady-Dumbo, queen of the maybe-lesbians. Hence, a cloud with a rainbow lightning bolt.
Anyway, it got my friend and me wondering what a wrestler’s cutie mark would be. Let’s find out!
CM Punk – Pepsi logo
For all we know, Punk’s true calling could be a bottle of whisky (hey, maybe Jericho’s got a point there), but we’ll never know because pony-Punk loves tattoos as much as his human counterpart. And, whatever it actually was, it’s been tatted over with his signature cola choice. But perhaps it’s best we don’t know, honestly. It could be a picture of Lita, and who would want to know that?
Dolph Ziggler – used car salesman
Because he SELLS THE FUCK OUT OF EVERYTHING
Hulk Hogan – himself
There’s really no one else who deserves a photo of themselves on their own ass like Hulk Hogan. Sure, there are gimmick-narcissists like Mr. Perfect, but Hogan here actually marks out for himself. He’s his own biggest fan in a way Pepper Ann couldn’t even fathom, which is a dated ’90s reference and I regret nothing.
Santino Marella – plate of snakes-ghetti and meatballs
Pasta? NOPE! IT’S COBRAS. Now it’s ethnic and relevant!
McMahon Family – money emblems
There’s actually a character in MLP canon called Filthy Rich and he has a daughter named Diamond Tiara. Wealth and privilege seem to inevitably yield fancy-ass cutie marks, and Vince and Stephanie are basically the Filthy and Diamond of wrestling anyway. So Vince will get three little dollar signs, Stephanie gets a silver spoon a la the actual character Silver Spoon, and Shane gets…I dunno, a gold plated toilet seat. He just seems like the kind of guy who would appreciate that. Linda got hers laser removed for her campaign.
Brodus Clay – disco ball and silhouettes of Naomi and Cameron
Even if you took away his Funkasaurus gimmick and he reverted back into a terrifying tattooed behemoth, a giant African-American-Polynesian still has needs…the need to dance.
Cara – leg cast
He’s like the Kenny of the WWE. You can’t see his face, you have no idea what he’s saying if he ever speaks, and he just keeps getting hurt/killed. He’s a ticking time botch.
John Morrison – scrotum
Well, if he does have balls, they sure aren’t where they need to be in any case.
Zack Ryder – YouTube logo
Let’s face it: Ryder is The Reality Era (as dubious an honor though it may seem) because he made his own fate by cultivating a loyal fan base through his own grassroots movement via YouTube and Twitter. He’s like the Tea Party Rock. And that’s a respectable, ambitious move for a guy buried on the roster to stand up and rise against The Man like that. ALSO JUST LET HIM BRING THE INTERNET CHAMPIONSHIP ON RAW FOR CHRIST’S SAKE, IT LOOKS EXPENSIVE.
“Stone Cold” Steve Austin – beer cans
If beer was a verb, he’d be good at it. Fuck it, beer is a noun and he’s still good at it.
The Undertaker – Miami Dolphins logo
He may not have understood it in his dark widdle adolescence as he may have been hoping for something a little more morbid and apropos, but impressive streaks are impressive streaks. The ’72 Miami Dolphins and Taker go down in history as two of the most impressive undefeated streaks in sports history. Here’s hoping he goes out on top and doesn’t crash in a fiery, Chad Henne-y blaze.
Triple H – board game with dice
Because he…IS the game. It’s Chutes and Ladders, sure, but it’s still a game.
Evan Bourne – bag of weed
Look man, I’m just going to shoot straight. You’re a talented wrestler. Really and truly, you’re like a mighty eagle soaring off of that top rope. But we also get that WrestleMania isn’t your favorite event in April. We’re here for ya, buddy.
John Cena – generic yellow smiley face*
After all this time, Cena’s gotten pretty milquetoast. You say it, I say it, we all say it. Aside from some recent glimmers of some real new stuff (I appreciate him being a great sport about getting pulverized by Bork Laser, my favorite nickname for anything ever by the way), he’s fallen into the routine of coming out and throwing his hat and T-shirt to screaming women/children/Mike Whiddens and allowing everything else to be kind of filler. And you know what? That’s OK! He’s great at selling merch because he’s great at making people happy. Those Make-A-Wish kids have something to really rub in the faces of their able-bodied, healthier peers and HAVE YOU SEEN WHIDDEN’S FACE LIGHT UP? Cena brings boundless joy to the masses and he’s damn good at it, so I say keep on keepin’ on, my brother. The world always needs more poop jokes.
* It would have to be stitched on his jorts just so we knew it was there
The Rock – old-fashioned movie camera
The Rock was/is great in the ring, but his true gift lies with him on the mic and in front of the camera. He has “The It Factor” that pretentious talent scouts tell kids about when casting Juicy Juice commercials. “Tooth Fairy” jokes aside, him and his million-dollar smile have a knack for being in the spotlight and charming the absolute pants off of everyone. As long as he keeps on charming the ladies and high-fiving kids who are excited to the point of wetting themselves (including Augie seeing him hundreds of yards away at ‘Mania), he’s got a long, happy, pectoral-popping career ahead of him.
Ric Flair – a bottle, a dollar sign and a question mark
You know, for his unpaid bar tab.
Rikishi – his ass
Ass on ass on ass!
Kelly Kelly – Rafiki
Not the same thing, honey, but now you have to live with that.
Colt Cabana – shofar
He’s loud, he’s proud, he’s Jewish and get the fuck out of his way. Also, it was a way better than matzah because he has a personality and matzah has the personality of Heath Slater. (Also, a shofar is ram’s horn that you blow during the Jewish High Holidays. I forget there are people who wouldn’t know that.)
Scott Hall – line of cocaine
Like I said, when a pony finds his or her special talent…
Kurt Angle – DJ Pon3
The Hart Family – Canadian stereotypes
Families in MLP lore tend to have fairly similar cutie marks in a way that I can only assume pony genetics favoring nature over nurture (i.e. – Filthy and Diamond, the Apple family, etc.) Naturally, the great Hart dynasty would embrace this alternative to matching family reunion T-shirts as much as the McMahons did. Bret gets two crossed hockey sticks, Owen gets a mighty maple leaf, and Natalya gets a jar of syrup. Or maybe a beaver. Because she…has…one? Ugh, I’m a sexist but she’s Canadian, so whatever.
Daniel Bryan – beard
The guy knows his stuff and he had a great indie history before coming to the WWE to solidify his knowledge of the craft and the industry – plus, he’s almost a Punk-level IWC darling. Almost. But that BEARD. Not every man can grow a lumberjack-quality facial coat like that, and it’s something to be damn proud of. Wear your chin-koozy with pride, D-Bry.
Ryback – Pacman
I’ve never met anyone who could eat like Pacman, but Ryback’s apparently got the appetite of Rosie O’Donnell. Also, yeah, I’ve met Pacman.
Alicia Fox – hunting rifle
I’m just going to assume she killed and skinned that pelt herself. So…good work, kiddo!
Booker T – T-Mobile “Fave 5” logo
I don’t think he actually knows how to count or what copyright and/or trademark laws are, but he’s just going to do whatever he wants anyway.
Scott Steiner – exclamation points
Isn’t going through life wonderful when everything’s a surprise? And…loud. And confused. Aw, Scott Steiner.
Dusty Rhodes – bicycle
Like I was going to write something and not bring this up.
And the list could go on and on. But whether you’re a brony or a cold-hearted, cynical friendship-hater (…Rich), you can appreciate that everyone – even wrestlers – are destined for something greater than themselves.
Sara Solano was worried this was the dumbest thing ever, but then it kind of came up on Raw last week so now it’s almost relevant. She dedicates this article to Madison Kirby, Nick Slater, Matt White and Larah Clark -- basically her only friends after she started watching this show religiously. Sara is probably Derpy Hooves.