The one thing that always gets me when I'm illegally downloading legally buying wrestling themes through iTunes is how complete wrestling themes are. By that, I mean it's almost impossible to tell a Top 40 rock song from a rock-heavy wrestling theme (unless we're talking about quality, then it's pretty easy). Back in the day, I loved listening to the different volumes of WWE The Music and hearing full versions of entrance themes for the first time.
As wrestling fans, we get so accustomed to hearing the first minute (or so) of entrance themes that they become standard parts of our wrestling viewing. We may hate a song when it first hits but, after hearing it every week for years, it's no longer a bother to us.
Like most wrestling fans, I have a decent collection of entrance themes that I enjoy on my iPod. Anytime I listen to a full version of a entrance theme for the first time, the same thing goes through my head:
"Hmm, the second verse of the song is new."
More specifically, I'll say:
"Man, this second verse kind of sucks/is weird/is different/really sucks dick"
I don't blame Jim Johnston or the songwriters, though. How often do we hear three minutes of an entrance theme (sans Randy Orton, Undertaker and The Great Khali walking to the ring at Wrestlemania)? All the good parts of a wrestling theme should go into the chorus and the first verse because that's all us fans will be hearing for years.
But what about those second verses we don't get to hear a lot of the time? With that said, I decided to go through the second verse of a couple WWE entrance themes and try to break down the good, bad and ugly of Jim Johnston's creations.
Randy Orton, "Voices" by Rev Theory
All the lawyers are defenseless
All the doctors are diseased
And the preachers all are sinners
And police just take the grease
All you judges you are guilty
All the bosses I will fire
All you bankers will have losses
And politicians are all liars!
This is how I imagine the conversation between the lead singer of Rev Theory, Rich Luzzi, and Randy Orton went as they wrote this song:
Rich Luzzi: "Hey Randy, we're really excited to write your entrance theme!"
Randy Orton: "Remember when I was the Legend Killer?"
Rich Luzzi: Yeah, I guess...
Randy Orton: Wouldn't it have been ironic if a legend....killed me...The Legend Killer.
Rich Luzzi: ...What?
Randy Orton: Put that into my entrance song.
Rich Luzzi: Put what? Legend Killing?
Randy Orton: No. Irony. Put irony into my song. I want an entrance theme full of irony.
Rich Luzzi: ...Maybe you should just keep 'Burn In My Light' as your entrance theme, Randy...
Randy Orton: IRONY!
I assume a Roid Rage RKO or Head Punt quickly followed. Funny enough, this second verse was the inspiration for this entire article. During Wrestlemania 28 weekend, Mullet and I would try to come up with our own lines that would fit into this song. My personal favorite was: "All the Proctologists will get buttfucked!"
John Cena, "Time is Now" by John Cena and Tha Trademarc:
It's gonna be what it's gonna be
Five pounds of courage buddy, bass tint pants with a gold T
Uh - it's a war dance and victory step
A raw stance is a gift, when you insist it's my rep
John Cena, Trademarc, you all are so-so
And talk about the bread you make but don't know the recipe for dough though
Aimin' guns in all your photos, that's a no-no
When this pop, you'll liplock, your big talk's a blatant no-show
See what happens when the ice age melt
You see monetary status is not what matters, but it helps
I rock a timepiece by Benny if any
The same reason y'all could love me is the same reason y'all condemn me
A man's measured by the way that he thinks
Not clothing lines, ice links, leather and minks
I spent 20 plus years seekin' knowledge of self
So for now Marc Predka's livin' life for wealth.
I'm pretty sure the reason John Cena runs to the ring is so his entrance music stops before Tha Trademarc's verse starts.
[John Cena, Trademarc, you all are so-so]: This makes a lot more sense from the fan's point of view than Tha Trademarc's point of view.
[Aimin' guns in all your photos, that's a no-no]: I love how this verse is like the 'Be A Star' of rap music.
[A man's measured by the way that he thinks]: The More You Know
[You see monetary status is not what matters]: The More You Know
Drew McIntyre, "Broken Dreams" by Shaman's Harvest
Almost to the mountain top
You slip and fall just like a stone
Rolling ever faster to this nightmare you have sewn
You had it all right in your grasps
but in a breath your minute passed
now alas the end has come,
you are all alone.
I believe my quote regarding Drew McIntyre and his theme song from one of our Podswoggle podcasts was "Oh cool, they gave the guy in the ring crew his own music". I'm a fan of the epic entrance intro, but only a select few can pull it off (Hollywood Rock and Daniel Bryan, for example). Drew McIntyre...yeah, he's not one of them.
[Almost to the mountain top]: The IC Champion, Vince McMahon's Chosen One and having sex with Tiffany. I believe we call that peaking.
[You slip and fall just like a stone]: The timekeeper gets a louder reaction than Drew and Tiffany ended up beating the shit of of him. I believe we call that falling.
[Rolling ever faster to this nightmare you have sewn]: Ok, who the fuck wrote this song? Clearly, it was written in the year 2020 to warn Drew to stay out of the wrestling business and out of Tiffany's pooter. I assume this verse is talking to Drew's opponents, but there hasn't been a more apropo theme song in wrestling history since Disco Inferno.
Cryme Tyme/JTG, "Bringin' Da Hood T U"
Once upon a time it was nice and quiet.
Then along came the hood, enciting riots. (yeah)
I dont give a damn about a neighborhood watch. (nah)
I'll take your watch while the neighborhood watch.
I'm a rugged individual,
I bring it to man
woman and children too.
Yeah, I know you heard of me.
I'm the one responsible for them burglaries.
I got twelve misdemeanors, three felonies.
Countless victims yelling "help me please."
But no matter what you say,
no matter what you do.
It dont matter where you at,
We're bring the hood to you.
I'm 1000000% sure Vince McMahon wrote this entire verse after watching five minutes of Boyz n the Hood on his corporate jet.
[Once upon a time it was nice and quiet]: This verse starts off so nicely like a fairy tale straight out of a children's book.
[Then along came the hood, enciting riots]: Someone wasn't paying attention to Tha Trademarc.
[I bring it to man, woman and children too.]: Women and Children beating! A landmark in rap music.
[I got twelve misdemeanors, three felonies.]: After pulling up a list of misdemeanors, these twelve probably include: Disorderly Conduct, Loitering and Cyberstalking. I assume the three felonies are whatever happened to that man, woman and child above.
Kelly Kelly, "Holla" by Desiree Jackson
I know you like, what you see
Are you sure, you want to stick to me?
Hop in my Jag, baby we can go
Just remember, you gotta keep it on the low.
This second verse screams how great and large Kelly Kelly's personality is!
[Are you sure, you want to stick to me?]: Stick it*
[Hop in my Jag, baby we can go]: It's nice to know Kelly Kelly has a pet name for her vagina.
[Just remember, you gotta keep it on the low]: This is probably the best way to end this article.
You can follow me @TopeAddABanjo and tweet me any more funny second verses of wrestling themes. Or tweet me some jokes. Or pictures of Tiffany and/or Kelly Kelly.