Over the years, there have been many Divas that catch your eye as the walk down the ring: Trish, Candice Michelle, AJ, Stacy Keibler, Christy Hemme…and in Whidden’s case…Ms. Tessmacher.
Chyna, however, catches your eye in another way. She’s so beastly and manly for a woman that you find yourself trying to find where she hides her balls. Well, lucky us…she decided to do a porno…and I decided to make a stupid bet…and the loser had to watch all five scenes of Backdoor to Chyna!!!
So, follow along with me as we take a journey through five scenes of what I am sure is to be filled with dicks, tits and oversized clits.
0:12: We start with a nice shot of the valley and a woodsy area…immediately ruined by Chyna in a robe.
0:14: I thought she said "shitting" her first Vivid video. Would have been more appropriate if she did.
0:56: Diana Prince and Dylan Ryder licking vibrators as if popsicles…not sexy.
1:10 - 1:26: It took that long for the camera to pan from Chyna’s knees to her ass…I mean face.
2:45: After seeing this interview shot like six times, I just realized the HOLLYWOOD sign is blurred out.
3:16: The interviewer stops caring and zooms into boob.
6:42: And here we go…I feel like it’s watching me instead of the other way around.
7:53: Nice to see Chyna shaved her ass for this role.
9:53: I feel like I’m watching a Tyler Perry movie with the music they are using.
12:06: I really thought she was gonna make it talk, a la Jim Carrey’s ass in "Ace Ventura."
13:50: It doesn’t help that Diana Prince looks like someone I know…and she is a crazy bitch.
15:05: It looks like Chyna is saying to herself, “Please let this be over soon.” I feel the same way.
19:25: This is going to be a long night…*sigh*
20:40: OMG…THERE IT IS….IT’S HUGE!!!
22:56: I just realized that the audio wasn’t working correctly until now.
24:30: Either there is a truck backing up somewhere or the audio editor has a great sense of humor.
27:05: This has to be the record for the longest I’ve watched a porn…at least it feels like it.
30:50: A la "Jaws": “We’re gunna need a bigger…vibrator.”
32:12: Where did it go?
33:33: NOW you can get really deep? NOW? What was before?
35:03: Where the hell did that second one come from?!?!
35:30: It’s not a telephone, Chyna…
43:00: Back to another interview…and scene 1 is over…ONLY FUCKING FOUR MORE TO GO!!!!
Scene 2 – Start timer over
0:12: She’s wearing a checkered outfit, which gives me hope there will be an end to this race.
0:33: Where did that hand come from? Whose hands are these?
1:12: They actually look like Hulk Hogan's hands…or Brooke’s. I can’t really tell the difference.
2:50: Chyna’s ass really needs some Proactiv.
3:36: Does Chyna have a kid?!?!?! That looks like a C-section scar.
4:27: THERE IT IS AGAIN. It’s bigger than Andre the Giant.
5:40: Chyna’s big blow job scene…still don’t know who the guy is, but it could be Vince, HHH, X-Pac or Shawn Michaels.
7:49: The guy just said, “We’re making those eyes water a little bit, aren’t we?” Is he talking to me?
9:47: WHAT?!?! A STANDING 69?!?!?!
10:15: Please, please, please Tombstone her.
10:45: The guy is grunting….she’s much heavier than you thought, huh, buddy?
13:07: I’M GUNNA, I’M GUNNA, I’M GUNNA PUUKKKKKEEEE!!!!
15:25: The guy keeps saying, “Let it go." What the fuck is he talking about?
16:27: I bet Chyna is chanting “dollar” in rhythm with each thrust.
17:47: Another standing position where he has to carry her!
18:20: HAHAHA…he could only hold her up for like 40 seconds. 17:39 – 18:18.
21:50: Was that the leather couch…or was that Chyna farting/queefing?
21:55: Fun fact…the word “queefing” is not in the Microsoft Office dictionary. I was going to add it, but I don’t think I’ll be typing that word often enough to justify it.
24:45: It looks like Chyna is wearing tap shoes.
25:04: Chyna just said, “Best fuck ever!” You hear that, HHH and X-Pac? I didn’t know this was a shoot interview too.
27:10: I love the way my brain works. For absolutely no reason, the song “Everybody Hurts” just got stuck in my head.
28:25: Everytime this guy says, “That’s it,” I’m imagining he’s trying to tell Chyna that he can’t do it anymore.
31:19: Money shot at 1:50 p.m.…I’m not gonna be able to eat for the rest of the day.
Scene 3 – Start time over
1:15: FML…I just saw that this scene is gonna be 45 MINUTES LONG!!! Will this ever end?!?!
3:47: OMG…I don’t know what’s worse, the interviews or the porn?
5:02: She was on "Fear Factor"? Was she the contestant or the challenge?
11:25: FAST FORWARD…Nothing is even happening. She’s been staring at the camera for like five minutes. It feels like hours though.
14:05: If you play it in double time, the music sounds like a catchy Arabian drum and bass song. I like it. Best part of the porn so far.
15:24: That’s either a really cool shirt or Evan Stone needs an iron badly!
18:50: THERE IT IS AGAIN…peeking out of the leopard print bikini. It's bigger than my 1998 Nissan Pathfinder.
19:36: WOW…she got all the way to the balls. Good job Chyna.
Chyna’s Mouth 1 – Evan Stone’s Penis 0
23:28: I don’t know how much more I can take. I’m starting to lose my mind!!!
24:47: I'm bored. Here’s something that will keep you busy: play connect the dots with Chyna’s rash between her legs.
25:18: Thanks, Evan Stone. I can now say that I’ve gagged while watching a porno.
27:10: I know everyone thinks it and says it, but god damn: Chyna is basically a man with tits.
28:49: “Dollar, dollar, dollar, dollar, dollar, dollar, dollar, dollar, dollar…”
29:55: OH MY GOD…did her ass just reach puberty?
33:56: ANAL?!?! I was NOT prepared for that!
36:03: I paused it and counted over 14 constellations in Chyna’s ass rash. Can you find them all?
37:40: Ass to mouth!!! You can insert you very own joke here ________!!!
38:34: The last guy looked like he was gonna Tombstone her and Evan Stone now looks like he’s gonna put her in the Hells Gate submission.
46:25: Well, Evan Stone earned his damn money. I am sooooo happy to be done with the longest scene. For those keeping track at home, after two hours of Chyna porn, the score is Gag 1 – Boners 0.
Scene 4 – Start time over
0:07: Oh yay! Another interview. (This should be typed in sarcastic font)
3:45: Her interviews are sooo bad; I’m ALMOST excited for the porn to start.
6:30: How about that? This new girl is an innie.
8:15: New girl’s thoughts when she was younger: “You know what would look good? A tattoo of a panther on my right ass cheek. The whole right ass cheek.”
13:42: The new girl is cute...still no boner though. My dick must still be mad at me.
15:19: So, scene 1 was three girls. Scene 2 and 3 were one guy and one girl. Scene 4 is two girls and one guy. That must mean scene 5 is…DEAR GOD NO!!!
22:58: Even when he is inside Chyna, he is only paying attention to the new girl...but can you blame him?
24:54: THERE IT IS AGAIN…it’s bigger than Clifford the Big Red Dog.
29:28: Well, that scene is over and they left Chyna out as if she was the Asian kid waiting to be picked for the basketball team. Now, the last and final scene. Please don’t be what I think it is.
Scene 5 – Start time over
0:47: This is gunna suck!!!
2:21: We’re only TWO MINUTES in?!?! FML
4:15: Dear Lord, please help me get through this.
4:34: It’s skiing time for Chyna.
7:17: This isn’t a threesome of two guys and one girl. It looks more like three guys.
10:59: You know, when Chyna lays on her side, her C-section scar looks like a parenthesis. “(“
12:33: Chyna may want to wipe a little better.
16:28: THERE IT IS AGAIN…it’s larger than the New York Giants.
17:00: It’s larger than the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man.
17:35: It’s bigger than Meryl Streep’s acting resume.
18:10: Seriously, it’s like a roll of quarters.
21:29: ONLY 5 MINUTES LEFT!!! THEN I’M FREE!!!!
24:06: Oh good, she’s laying the other way now. She remembered to close the parenthesis. “)”
25:21: One guy just tapped out…by cumming.
25:40: Second guy tapped. AND YOUR WINNER: ME. I didn’t have to see a DP scene. I could’ve sworn there would be one.
26:30: It’s over…it’s all over. I did it. This has been one of the worst bet payoffs in my life. Now, if you will please excuse me, while I call the ambulance so they can use the defibrillators to shock my dick back to life.