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The Real Wrestler We Have Been Stung From Seeing in WWE

13 Jun

“It just seemed like a gamble to me.  I didn’t trust how I would be used.”-Sting on why he never went to WWE

mainWe have been teased so many times.  Was it going to happen during the Invasion?  What about his first break from TNA?  Is he the mysterious, trench coat wearing figure hanging out in the cabin that was debuting on 2.21.11?

All of those options came and went, and we have still not seen Steve Borden in a WWE ring.  At this point, the only time Sting will grace us with his presence at a WWE event will be when he accepts his ring for the Hall of Fame.

That is fine by me.  I am past the point of caring.  I am more perplexed and saddened by another TNA mainstay that hasn’t stepped into a WWE ring.

That man, my friends, is Shark Boy.

austinparodyIn the post “Attitude Era” world of professional wrestling, outlandish gimmicks were largely frowned upon.  Shark Boy, on the other hand, has a cult following that might be second only to “The Rocky Horror Picture Show.” (Warning: this article might contain extreme hyperbole.)  He warmed the hearts of the vicious XPW faithful.  He managed to elicit a response from the jaded TNA fan.  He took a completely crappy idea in mimicking Stone Cold Steve Austin and made it bearable. 

Shark Boy was a crazy idea that was executed to perfection by an accomplished performer, and it made its mark in the crowded chaos of the wrestling world.

The fact that Shark Boy hasn’t been featured on WWE TV is a travesty.

Imagine the possibilities.

-Shark Boy being unfairly bullied by Dolph Ziggler and Jack Swagger and dumping a bucket of nasty smelt on Vickie Guerrero.  Vince McMahon would be cackling for weeks.

-The inevitable backstage segment between Shark Boy busting out his Stone Cold impersonation for random scrubs like Yoshi Tatsu and Alex Riley.  They are digging it like crazy…until Stone Cold himself appears behind Shark Boy.  Either acceptance or destruction follows, but the facial expressions will be golden.

-The Shark versus The Cobra…it is either the greatest comedy duo of all time or the bloodiest feud in the history of the game.

-Speaking of the Game, think about Triple H and Shark Boy in the ring together…doing anything. 

-If Eugene can get an inspirational main event push, why not Shark Boy?  Think about Shark Boy scoring fluke wins over Alberto Del Rio or having a friendly, competitive match with CM Punk or even taking Sheamus to the limit for no good reason.  Shark Boy could get it done.

-Shark Boy enters the Royal Rumble and bites everyone’s ass that is in the ring.  Thousands of fans wearing replica Shark Boy masks and Shark Boy shirts cheer on in delight.

-Dean Roll, the man behind the Shark Boy mask, inducts the late, great John Tenta into the Hall of Fame.  Sure, most of us know John Tenta as Earthquake, but nobody should forget his epic run as SHARK.  We should also not forget his legendary promo denouncing Shark and claiming that “He is not a fish; he is a man!”

Those ideas are just the tip of the iceberg with Shark Boy, really.  Does Shark Boy run the risk of wearing out with welcome like other over-the-top comedy acts?  Of course he does.  However, Shark Boy has the wherewithal to change his image or character to fit with the times.

maskA Shark Boy heel turn could do HUGE business.  Think about the terror on the former guppies' faces as Shark Boy chews into John Cena with reckless abandon.  Shark Boy could start taking himself way too seriously and come to the ring and talk the whole crowd down.  He is dressed like Chris Jericho: full suit and tie, but still in the mask.  I have the biggest smile on my face just thinking about that.  If you treated a heel Shark Boy like Taz in ECW (just an unstoppable machine), it would do huge business.

Every time people dream about Sting in WWE, the talks consist of a WrestleMania match with Undertaker and that is about it.  With Shark Boy, we are talking about someone who could be a staple for years to come.

So the next time you get depressed about Steve Borden not coming to grips with his born-again Christian beliefs and rebuking Vince McMahon, don’t follow that up with visions of Shark Boy in WWE.  Your day will get even worse…because that is the true scenario we are missing out on.


Upon further thought, that whole “Adventures of Shark Boy and Lava Girl” lawsuit might be a contributing factor to this.  Damn you, Robert Rodriguez!


Upon further research, here is the only glimpse of Shark Boy in WWE ever: a dark match against Kanyon.  Watch it and tell me the previous 800 words were all for naught.


Chris Mullet

Chris Mullet

Been Watching Since: 1987

Favorite Wrestler, currently: Pentagon Jr

Favorite Wrestler of All Time: CM Punk

Least Favorite Wrestler, currently: Randy Orton                                 

                                       Least Favorite Wrestler of All Time: Jeff Jarrett

                                       Guilty Pleasure: Scott Steiner

                                       Catchphrase: "Hey! You! Stupid! Get me something to drink!"

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Out of all of the legit bad asses and wackos in wrestling history, who do you trust the most with a kitty?

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