"I am the law." -Judge Dredd
We all know the appeal of Extreme Rules is that each bout of the night will have a certain regulation or rule that is disregarded in order to have a unique match. So, in essence, it is the one night each year for these wrestlers to break the rules and suffer no consequences for breaking said rule, other than the utter beating their bodies will undergo.
Well, I decided to take it a step further. I decided to re-book the matches, but instead of disregarding certain regulations of a wrestling match, I decided to let the wrestlers disregard a particular law of the state of Illinois (since the PPV will be held in Chicago). However, this is Podswoggle, so breaking regular laws might be boring or even overdone judging by the population of some of the prisons in the U.S.
After some careful research, I will be re-booking the matches with the stipulation that, not only can these wrestlers break some laws, but they will be allowed to break some of the dumbest laws that are enforced by the state of Illinois. So without further ado, here is the card for “Extreme Laws.”
(Editor's Note: This was written before the Beth Phoenix vs Nikki Bella match was announced. We are sure nobody minds negating this match from this article.)
Santino vs The Miz (Stipulation: Make faces at dogs)
Apparently in Normal, Illinois, it is illegal to make faces at dogs…so what better time to allow immunity to this law than with the Miz and Santino? I’m sure the Miz and Santino can drum up some faces that would make this match an instant classic. A winner will be chosen once the dog begins barking from either sheer terror or hilarity that the opponen'ts face makes.
Prediction: Santino will be making faces, however, while Santino is speaking aloud, the dog remembers an alley he used to live in where the Italian worker would throw away old pasta that the customers wouldn’t finish. This gets the dog excited and he begins to bark, crowning Santino as the winner.
Big Show vs Cody Rhodes (Stipulation: Fly a Kite)
In the city of Chicago, it is illegal to fly a kite within the city limits. This seemed to be the perfect stipulation for these two because who wouldn’t want to see the Big Show fly a kite and, since Wrestlemania, I’m pretty sure many writers and executives have told Cody Rhodes to go fly a kite when Cody asked when he would get his belt/push back. The winner is crowned when he successfully gets his kite over 100 feet in the air and has it stay there for at least 10 seconds.
Prediction: Big Show has the advantage for most of the match due to his height advantage over Cody. However, once their kites are about 99 feet in the air, they both run out of string. Cody then hits Big Show with a low blow, sending Big Show to his knees. At that point, Cody climbs on Big Show's shoulders, giving him the extra height he needed to win the match.
Randy Orton vs Kane (Stipulation: Eating competition)
Now, in Chicago, it is perfectly legal to have eating competitions…it’s just illegal to eat in a place that is on fire and we all know damn well that anything that involves Kane involves fire. The match will be a chicken wing eating contest in a burning building in which the first opponent to eat 50 wings and escape “alive” will be dubbed the winner of the match.
Prediction: Kane, feeling at home, gets out to a commanding lead. Up 48-42, it seems like it is a lock for Kane to win the match by only eating two more wings. BUT WAIT…out of the burning closets come Randy Orton’s seven television wives. They each grab a wing and chow down, which leaves just one wing left that Orton devours first just in time to escape the building with five of his wives before the building comes crashing down on Kane and two of Orton’s wives. It’s a bittersweet victory for Orton.
Third Match: World Heavyweight Championhip
Sheamus vs Daniel Bryan (Stipulation: Bowling)
In my most straightforward and easiest match to describe, Sheamus and Daniel Bryan will simply bowl for the belt, because in Evanston, Illinois it is illegal to bowl. That’s right, it is illegal to BOWL!
Prediction: Daniel Bryan wins 247 to 240. Daniel Bryan just looks like he can bowl. (This match has no drama and it sucks…cause it’s bowling)
Brock Lesnar vs John Cena (Stipulation: Most fish caught while on giraffe’s neck)
In Chicago, it is illegal to fish while sitting on a giraffe’s neck. I just love the imagery of two jacked human beings fishing…on a giraffe’s neck. I’m sure there are some jokes here about Cena on a giraffe’s neck, shouting “You can’t see me,” but nothing makes me laugh more than envisioning Cena and Lesnar fishing…on a giraffe’s neck. Winner of this match catches three fish WHILE SITTING ON A GIRAFFE’S NECK!
Prediction: Cena wins because he never gives up…WHILE SITTING ON A GIRAFFE’S NECK!
Fifth (and final) Match: WWE Championship
CM Punk vs Chris Jericho (Stipulation: Pee in neighbors mouth)
Yeah, you read that stipulation right. In Champaign, Illinois, ironically enough, it is illegal to pee in your neighbor’s mouth. I guess everyone else is OK, but your neighbor is off limits. Since Jericho and Punk have had this whole drunk angle, I figured there would be no better match to invoke this stipulation than this one. The rules are simple. The first opponent to pee in their neighbors mouth will be crowned WWE Champion. However, both opponents must clear their bladder by peeing right before the start of the match and, during the match, they can only drink alcohol to try to fill their bladder again.
Prediction: For this match, I do not care whatsoever who wins the match. All I want is for Punk and Jericho to live two houses apart. This way, they have a neighbor in common who lives in the house between them. Who is this neighbor you ask? HHH.