DISCLAIMER: The very writer of this article, Chris Mullet, does not approve of what he has written. It angers him to no end that he is about to devote so many words to a worthless, sniveling hack like Dave Meltzer. The following is strictly catharsis that is being shared with the world. Chris Mullet will not hold it against you if you skip this article if you feel inclined, but would encourage you to read it if you harbor any desire to punch Dave Meltzer in the neck like he does.
"MINUS FIVE STARS!!!!!!" -Bryan Alvarez
Dave Meltzer ruined wrestling in a lot of ways. Without his Wrestling Observer, there wouldn’t be a thirst for getting backstage news and spoilers online like there is today. His work has bred so many offshoots that litter the internet and overanalyze everything about the world of wrestling. Some people think UFC and wrestling are forever connected because of this goon.
One guy’s influence has done a lot of harm and I have hated that fact for some time. On multiple occasions on our podcast, I have bitten mytongue to preve nt myself from lashing into Mr. Meltzer with the longest “Fuck You of the Week” ever because he isn’t worth the breaths. So, I decided to take to the foray of Meltzer and I (written word) and fully explain the basis for my beef with him.
I made that decision almost one year ago when this website launched. I have put it off and put if off because I don’t want to write this. It won’t change anything. Meltzer’s name will forever be linked and credited with the birth of peeling back kayfabe in wrestling publications and people will always either A) look to him for his opinions and guidance in matters or B) hate this idea that he is the be-all, end-all of wrestling opinions like me.
What incited me to the brink last year was Meltzer’s illustrious five-star ranking of the John Cena/CM Punk match from Money in the Bank, his first five-star ranking for a WWE match since 1997. I loved everything about that match and have no real beef about it receiving the highest honors possible, but I moreover had a problem that it had been 14 years since that ranking had been given to a WWE match and even more of a problem that it was a notable story.
Who is one guy to say that one match is better than another? Movie critics do the same thing, but don’t elicit such fervent responses with their reviews because it is entertainment and everyone has their own opinion. The sheer fact that this dork can rile up or drum up such support about a simple star ranking goes against enjoying professional wrestling.
I formulated this grand scheme to go back and watch every match Meltzer had rated 4.5 or 4.75 stars in WWE history and break down this stupidly heralded system of rating matches to the point where no one would trust it every again.
I started this process and hated myself for it. I was becoming the very person I loathed. Sure, I was still seething that both Undertaker/HBK matches from WrestleMania were robbed of that five-star label, but I could see some of Meltzer’s feelings by watching these matches. Around the time I did further research and found out that the Nasty Boys vs Cactus Jack and Maxx Payne from Spring Stampede 1994 was rated the same as the first ladder match between Edge, Christian and the Hardy Boyz, I couldn’t go on.
(Side note: I DO love both matches, but saying they are of equal merit is like saying "The Godfather" and "Hot Tub Time Machine" are both excellent films.)
Dejected, filled with rage and sporting a massive headache, I crunched all of my notes up in a little ball and threw them away (a la to what I would do if I had physical copies of the Wrestling Observer Newsletter every week). Dave Meltzer, go ahead. You win. This guy doesn’t care anymore.
Quick cut to WrestleMania weekend in Miami. It was one of the best weekends of my life. In the midst of our post-Mania podcasts, everyone agreed that we saw two iconic matches that weekend. The first was, naturally, Undertaker vs Triple H. The second was Davey Richards and Michael Elgin from ROH’s Showdown in the Sun, Night 2. Both were so rewarding to watch live and reminded me why I love this sport so much (and yes, I said sport).
Sure enough, the MMA jackoff reared his ugly, bloated head again and ruined my mojo when I read the reports.
Undertaker vs Triple H. Hell in a Cell. Special Guest Referee: Shawn Michaels. The End of an Era. 4.75 stars.
Davey Richards vs Michael Elgin. Ring of Honor. 3 PM in the afternoon in Ft. Lauderdale. A plethora of annoying smarks in attendance. 5 STARS.
No, sir. You have done it now.
Again, I will never disparage the matches that receive five stars. I loved Elgin/Richards and was very happy for ROH that they received another five star match after a trying period for the company.
All of that said, if Meltzer talks all this trash about incorporating storyline, match execution, crowd reaction and everything else into his rating system, then there is no way that Davey Richards and Michael Elgin receives five stars and Mark McCool and Paul McMahon fall a quarter star short.
Dave Meltzer, you are no good for this business you follow and supposedly love. When the Swoggle Squad began Podswoggle, it was agreed upon that, whatever we do, we will honor the business and make sure to remind everyone that this is PROFESSIONAL WRESTLING. This isn’t the end of the world. It’s entertainment. This is supposed to be fun.
Sure, we analyze and critique the news and storylines just like everybody else because we have the rights to do so, but we also have articles about wrestlers being ducks and polls that have Virgil and Little Beaver as answers and segments on our podcast where we profess our love for P.M.S and Xanta Claus. All of our criticisms and feelings are merely an outlet to get them out of our system. At the end of the day, we just want to unite the IWC in our mutual love for this little predetermined, homoerotic soap opera that takes over so much of our lives for no absolute, butt fucking reason.
You, Dave Meltzer, have treated professional wrestling like it was politics or something. Because of you, there is a need online to go over every facet of every wrestler or storyline to the point where fans forget this is lighthearted, mindless, escapist entertainment. We argue about match quality when we should just sit back and appreciate each match we are privileged to see.
So, from here on out, I do not care about Dave Meltzer or his stupid, worthless opinion that is supposed to dictate every other wrestling fan’s opinion. He is just a guy with a computer…just like me…which means you shouldn’t listen to what I have to say either.
Have your own opinions. If you feel the need to share them, good on ya. That’s what makes this country great. You can do that. At the end of the day, don’t forget that your opinion is still on grown men grappling around in Spandex, covered in baby oil and spray tans, pretending to hurt each other. That is what I am here for. That is what Podswoggle is here for. That will never change.
Dave Meltzer, why don’t you give that philosophy a try? You might just enjoy it…and be tolerable doing it.
All of that said, Bryan Alvarez is cool with me for some reason.