“The Rock has got goose bumps! Great Lord Almighty!”-Dwayne Johnson
Growing up, I loved many things. Naturally, number one on my list was always wrestling. A close second was probably reading. I devoured every book placed in front of me. Being a child of the 90s, I was one of the millions of children that were addicted to the R.L Stine series, Goosebumps.
Every other month or so, another weird ass novel would hit the local WaldenBooks and I would finish it in record time. Looking back on it, the books weren’t very good, but they made for some fun.
What comes to mind, wrestling related, when I think the 1990s, not very good and silly entertainment?
In Your House pay-per-views, of course!
Seeing as how every In Your House had some silly co-name (my favorites were “Good Friends, Better Enemies” and “It’s Time!”), I decided to go through every original Goosebumps book and created a concept for an In Your House PPV based around the title. If you grew up in the 1990s, this should be a fun trip down memory lane…and a chilling reminder that R.L Stine and Vince McMahon are closer than you think.
(Note: to make this easier, I am taking any wrestlers from any time period ever to produce results. If I was strictly going on the IYH time period of 1995 to 1999, it would be redundant and damn near impossible. Plus, I will be going back and forth between present time and the past.)
In Your House: Welcome to Dead House
Not off to a great start. Let’s just theme this one around the Undertaker having to go through a giant Gauntlet match. Hell, Undertaker already had several IYH PPVs themed around already. What’s another one?
In Your House: Stay Out of the Basement
For weeks, Mankind has been teasing that he had a secret that was lurking in the basement/boiler room that he has been forced to stay in. At the PPV, one brave wrestler has to venture into that basement and fight Mankind and reveal the dreaded secret. It could either be a debuting wrestler or some stupid, Russoesque swerve.
In Your House: Monster Blood
John Cena vs Kane in a First Blood Match! BUYRATES!
In Your House: Say Cheese and Die!
Remember that mysterious photographer that shot a fireball into the eyes of Hulk Hogan at the 1993 King of the Ring, costing him the WWF Title? Well, he’s back and he’s been terrorizing wrestlers for weeks on TV. The photographer has promised to make an impact at the PPV. Will he exactly kill someone? Probably not, but why wouldn’t WWE false advertise a murder?
In Your House: The Curse of the Mummy’s Tomb
Cue Tony Schiavone! Why? Because the YETAYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY is back!
In Your House: Let’s Get Invisible
Much like TNA, WWE dedicates their show around a whole division. Unlike TNA, WWE does it for NXT. The wrestlers and the show might as well be invisible because no one paying for the show knows who they are.
In Your House: Night of the Living Dummy
I could go with Rocco, LOD’s long-lost buddy that singlehandedly killed their momentum in WWF. Instead, I will go with the insensitive joke and create a Eugene revenge angle that involves crazy ass Nick Dinsmore returning to the WWE and running roughshod over the entire roster.
In Your House: The Girl Who Cried Monster
Kelly Kelly has been warning the entire WWE for weeks that she has seen some evil monstrosity backstage warning of their impending arrival. Because she is Kelly Kelly, nobody believes her and naturally insists that she provide the sexual favors they know and love. The week before the PPV, a vignette airs confirming Kelly Kelly’s words and she begins a dark, heel turn supporting that wrestler (for sake of the article, let’s say it is Abyss’ big debut) and destroying the WWE Champ at the show. That’s right; I can take Goosebumps, WWE and Kelly Kelly and make gold!
In Your House: Welcome to Camp Nightmare
There have been a lot of gimmick matches over time, but nothing says fun like a “Camp Nightmare” match. Bunk bed spots! Teasing a throw into the campfire! Bring back the Blob from “Heavyweights” for Dolph Ziggler to bump on! The official song of the show will be anything off Childish Gambino’s “Camp.”
In Your House: The Ghost Next Door
There is a new, mysterious Diva that every member of the WWE is infatuated on…despite her pale complexion and ghoulish demeanor. At the PPV, she finally reveals which Superstar she will manage/go with. You can make her Undertaker’s sister or something while you are at it.
In Your House: The Haunted Mask
WWE has had some stupid, supernatural storylines. Let’s take this one at face value. Rey Mysterio receives a brand new mask as a random gift and begins wearing it, ultimately leading to a heel turn for him. The perpetrator? Papa Shango! Kids would eat it all up.
In Your House: Be Careful What You Wish For…
Imagine if WWE brings in the Zoltar Speaks machine from "Big" and it creates chaos in the WWE. Tyler Reks wishes for the World Heavyweight Title. Triple H has 14 boys running around backstage to call his own. The Great Khali can do Shooting Star Presses. At the PPV, the machine will grant its ultimate wish. People will be clunking down a pretty penny to see what happens next.
In Your House: Piano Lessons Can Be Murder
The Maestro has gone crazy!!!
In Your House: The Werewolf of Fever Swamp
Surprisingly, and at least to my knowledge, wrestling has never had a werewolf gimmick. At this PPV, we won’t have one either. Instead, the Werewolf is the awful nickname for Davey Richards and he gets his own PPV themed show, much like DX and The Rock. I’m not a miracle worker, people!
In Your House: You Can’t Scare Me!
John Cena vs The Boogeyman!!! BUYRATES!!!
In Your House: One Day at HorrorLand
Like Mark Henry’s Hall of Pain, one wrestler begins to annihilate everyone that crosses his path and tells them afterward that they have been taken to “HorrorLand.” This wrestler (in my mind, Ryback) proceeds to challenge anybody to take him out at the PPV. Imagine an entire show consisting of one wrestler steamrolling people. Sounds pretty cool to me.
In Your House: Why I’m Afraid of Bees
This show consists of nothing but Ted DiBiase Sr. looking at a side-by-side of himself circa 1988 and today. Big ups go to Rich for saying four years ago that Ted DiBiase looks like Tim Allen got stung by a bunch of bees.
In Your House: Monster Blood II
Kane keeps getting First Blood matches!!!
In Your House: Deep Trouble
After much build-up, a long awaited debuts occur at this PPV. It is naturally Shark Boy, who immediately skyrockets to the WWE main event scene.
In Your House: The Scarecrow Walks at Midnight
Considering the terrible gimmicks that have been created/brought in to fight The Undertaker, it is a shock that there was never someone called The Scarecrow. In my world, there is and he takes on Mark McCool in a corn maze or something.
In Your House: Go Eat Worms!
The Boogeyman would be the MVP of the IYH Goosebumps series. FYI, I am writing these as I go along and I am really hoping we can get a Kane vs Boogeyman match somewhere in here.
In Your House: Ghost Beach
WWE brings back WCW’s Bash at the Beach, but places it in October. Simple enough and in the WWE vein of doing things because they should just bring back Halloween Havoc.
In Your House: Return of the Mummy
Awesome! Another excuse to run this clip of THE YETAYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY!
In Your House: Phantom of the Auditorium
Look around for Scott Hall…I don’t see him anywhere…
In Your House: Attack of the Mutant
Why hasn’t “The Mutant” ever been a nickname for someone? In my WWE, there would be a mutant and he would get a huge push that culminated at this PPV. Also in my WWE, this guy would be ‘roided to the moon.
In Your House: My Hairiest Adventure
Forget Lord Tensai. Albert’s back is in full effect and Randy Orton must survive one match with him without feeling like Ben Stiller in “Along Came Polly.”
In Your House: A Night in Terror Tower
Wow…okay. Major dork time for Mullet.
When I had my own action figure league as a kid, I actually came up with a match concept based around Terror Tower. Two wrestlers had a match in this giant castle. The goal was to exit the tower, but on the other end of every door in the building would be another wrestler that would have to be defeated before the wrestler could move on.
15 years later and it finally sees the light of day. Damn it…
In Your House: The Cuckoo Clock of Doom
Oh boy. Ummmmm…something with R-Truth. I’m gonna have a cigarette and recharge.
In Your House: Monster Blood III
KANE!!!! BOOGEYMAN!!!! FIRST FUCKING BLOOD, BABY! BUYRATES!!! I AM BACK!!!
In Your House: It Came from Beneath the Sink!
I think R.L. Stine was giving up at this point. That said, I must carry on. This PPV could either be the triumphant return of T.L Hopper or a vehicle for a huge Contagion storyline. Take your pick.
In Your House: Night of the Living Dummy II
You thought you could take Eugene out that easily? Think again!
In Your House: The Barking Ghost
Days before a regularly scheduled PPV, Rick Steiner passes away. Vince, for no reason, scraps the night’s planned festivities and brings in SCOTT FUCKING STEINER to introduce clips and matches of his brother and say whatever he wants. That’s right; my love for Scott Steiner will now carry over into my articles.
In Your House: The Horror at Camp JellyJam
In the wake of the Camp Nightmare match, Vince begins buying up actual campsites all over the country to secure land for future matches. This time, the action takes place at the only camp that refused to change its name for TV purposes.
In Your House: Revenge of the Lawn Gnomes
Remember that John Cena gnome that was disgraced by The Rock in Boston? Well, you will when thousands of them converge on one PPV, Nexus-style, and leave the WWE in shambles. I don’t put this past any wrestling company ever.
In Your House: A Shocker on Shock Street
This one might be the closest that could actually happen just based off of the name. For shits and giggles, though, I will insinuate instead that Matt Hardy, V1 is back and puts his famous hand gesture to use as a stipulation to a match. It involves losing and your butthole.
In Your House: The Haunted Mask II
Papa Shango is hard at work again and sends a mask to Sin Cara this time. With the mask being haunted, it actually bolsters Sin Cara’s performance and this show features Sin Cara winning the WWE Title clean from Sheamus.
In Your House: The Headless Ghost
R.L. Stine is obsessed with ghosts! Screw it. Vince McMahon gets desperate and brings back the reanimated spirit of Chris Benoit. To avoid controversy and future problems, Vince removes his head. Hence, Benoit is back to the Benoit we knew and loved and not the Benoit that was technically 85 years old.
In Your House: The Abominable Snowman of Pasadena
Mason Ryan undergoes a massive gimmick change and starts brutalizing anyone in his path. For no particular reason, he is covered in ice and from California. Also for no particular reason, he gets his own PPV to torment.
In Your House: How I Got My Shrunken Head
Papa Shango got bored of the Haunted Masks and puts a crippling spell on one unlucky wrestler. In a Tarantino move, this PPV goes back and unravels the mystery of how this incident happened.
In Your House: Night of the Living Dummy III
You can’t keep Eugene down!!!! That could be a multiple year storyline.
In Your House: Bad Hare Day
WWE holds a PPV on Easter and can’t help themselves by making this pun.
In Your House: Egg Monsters from Mars
Obviously, Vince Russo returns to WWE and creates the worst stable in the history of business.
In Your House: The Beast from the East
Bam Bam Bigelow finally gets the push he deserves! The event, held in Asbury Park, NJ, is just like Money in the Bank 2011.
In Your House: Say Cheese and Die-Again!
That photographer is getting some mileage. After being vanquished at the first PPV, he has returned to shoot more fireballs into faces and generally fuck shit up.
In Your House: Ghost Camp
I am taking this one off out of sheer protest due to a lack of originality from R.L Stine. Really, dude? You love ghosts and camps that much?
In Your House: How to Kill a Monster
I will give Kane a break on this one and instead focus on Abyss again. After a tyrannical run with Kelly Kelly by his side, Abyss issues a challenge to any former WWE star to try and take him out. Hulk Hogan answers the challenge, dismembers Chris Parks and then marries/raises Kelly Kelly.
In Your House: Legend of the Lost Legend
After nearly 30 years away from the WWE, old ass Bruno Sammartino returns, but not to be inducted in the Hall of Fame. He is back to WIN THE WWE TITLE. Da Brune is still jacked and strong and shocks the world by taking the title away. It’s like Bob Backlund in 1994, but waaaaaay older.
In Your House: Attack of the Jack-O-Lanterns
Someone has to feud with the Egg Monsters. Bring in some guys with giant pumpkin heads and rival the Faction Wars of 1997 with this crap fest. Note to self: do everything to ensure that Vince Russo never sees this article.
In Your House: Vampire Breath
After heavy contractual discussions, Twilight’s Robert Pattinson finally arrives in WWE! Instead of billing him under his heavily marketable and notable name, WWE gives him the gimmick of “Vampire Breath” and has him feud with the returning Gangrel and Kevin Thorn.
In Your House: Calling All Creeps!
WWE finally realizes that they aren’t making the most of the Royal Rumble and announce a second Rumble match every year. For this event, however, only the creepiest, nastiest and grossest wrestlers are allowed entry. The odds-on favorites to win are Snitsky, Viscera and Jerry Lawler.
In Your House: Beware, the Snowman
Al Snow is back…and he’s pissed! Never getting the opportunities he was promised (and bitched about in “Beyond the Mat”), Al Snow heartlessly works his way up the ranks and holds the entire PPV hostage until he gets a World Title shot.
In Your House: How I Learned to Fly
This show can either be given completely to guys like Kofi Kingston, Evan Bourne and others in a half cruiserweight show, half documentary showcasing the wrestlers’ love for high flying antics or an in-ring seminar held by Rob Van Dam and Brian Kendrick about the benefits of marijuana.
In Your House: Chicken, Chicken
Why not bring back ECW favorite, Amish Roadkill? He was decent enough to get his own show. We can either feature him in the main event or just let him cut a two hour promo…which would just be him saying the word “chickens” over and over and over again.
In Your House: Don’t Go to Sleep!
Finally, an idea I can sink my teeth into. CM Punk has gotten under the skin of the GM and he bans the GTS from the WWE. After weeks of teasing using it, CM Punk finally does in a post-match attack. The GM then announces that, if Punk uses the GTS at the PPV, he will automatically lose the WWE Championship. As an added bonus to bolster the name, the undercard will be the most boring undercard of all time and the title is a challenge to the audience.
In Your House: The Blob that Ate Everyone
Bastion Booger main event push!!! By eating people, I am not making jokes. Bastion Booger literally eats wrestlers. By the time the PPV happens, Booger has digested the entire roster…sans a returning Superstar who must rescue the company.
In Your House: The Curse of Camp Cold Lake
Did R.L. Stine get molested at a camp or something?!?! What is the infatuation with scary camps? Just bring in Jason Voorhees. If WCW can use Chucky and RoboCop, why can’t WWE use Jason Voorhees?
In Your House: My Best Friend is Invisible
After finally bringing the tag team division back to legitimacy, WWE screws it all up by having the Kings of Wrestling, reunited and having held the tag titles for over a year, job out to R-Truth and Lil’ Jimmy.
In Your House: Deep Trouble II
Since Deep Trouble I, Shark Boy has had a rocket strapped to his back to the top. The payoff occurs at this show when Shark Boy becomes the face of the WWE. At the very least, we know he can dominate a crowd for a whole show.
In Your House: The Haunted School
WWE invites every flame out from OVW, DSW and FCW to one pay per view. Every wrestler gets a three minute squash match and a 60 second promo. The top five wrestlers voted on by fans get a second chance with the company. The others are executed via a firing squad and then sent to developmental heaven.
In Your House: Werewolf Skin
Davey Richards has made a name for himself in WWE, but there is another wolf out there and it’s Eddie Edwards. It sure has gotten UNDER his skin that Davey Richards has become so successful and they bring their stiff, overrated battles to a WWE audience. Kevin Nash will surely hate these vanilla midgets.
In Your House: I Live in Your Basement!
For years, there have been rumors and rumblings, but this PPV features the debut of the long-anticipated THIRD MCMAHON CHILD. Vince and Linda kept him/her/it sequestered in their basement for decades because it had no interest in wrestling and was a normal human being. Finally escaping the confines of the basement, the reject McMahon comes to the PPV seeking revenge for a ruined life. As an added bonus, we can get Mr. Kennedy to finally play this character.
In Your House: Monster Blood IV
KANE!!! BOOGEYMAN!!! JOHN CENA!!! THE FIRST BLOOD WAR TO FUCKING SETTLE THE SCORE!!! BUYRATES!!!!!!!!!
Whew. I am more blown up than the Ultimate Warrior on a treadmill. I am also very angry at R.L. Stine for duping the youth of America into thinking that he is good at what he does after reviewing all of the nonsensical, recycled ideas from just one series.
All of that said, I had a lot of fun taking this trip down memory lane and creating some truly horrific ideas.
Unfortunately, though, this turned into such a long, mind-numbingly difficult task that I immediately cancel my Animorphs idea.
I am taking a break from Scholastic book series for quite some time.