"Excuse Me!" -Vickie Guerrero
When you think of the greatness of Wrestlemania, you think about Michaels, Undertaker, Austin and Hogan. When you think about the bullshit of Wrestlemania, A LOT more comes to mind. When I first started writing this article, it was a forum for me to bash the worst efforts of WWE creative on its biggest stage. That was before I had a conversation with a member of WWE's creative team. This opened my eyes to the mind of how WWE creates both the wonderful and dogshit awful moments we've come to love. Despite the fact that my conversation with this WWE creative member was in a dream, I'm 100 percent sure it was more accurate than talking with a current WWE writer.
With that said, I decided to go through the last 10 years and try to explain to you what was going through WWE creative's mind during these terrible terrible Wrestlemania storylines and/or matches. I will also provide how all these matches could of been fixed by making one simple change.
Time to channel my inner WWE creative writer and figure out how to make shit into...less shit.
Michael Cole vs Jerry Lawler (Wrestlemania 27)
The Excuse: First things first: We should have billed this match as The Immovable Rapee Vs The Unstoppable Rapist, and for that we're sorry. Maybe we got carried away when we thought a man who once looked like this could beat up another living, breathing human being.
But look at all the great things that happened building up to this match:
Brian Christopher returns to WWE (Attitude Era! Remember TV-14?)
We beat up Jim Ross because we know the fans love when we beat up Jim Ross. (That's what Vince tells us)
We made Jack Swagger into a Main Event player. (This can not be confirmed or denied)
The An-Cole Lock. (It's honestly the greatest pun WWE has ever created)
The Fix: The match is three minutes long and ends with Jerry Lawler piledriveing Michael Cole on top of the Anonymous GM's laptop from on top of a ladder. We call that 'full circle'.
The Great Khali vs Kane (Wrestlemania 23)
The Excuse: This match is what sports entertainment is all about! Two big MOTHERFUCKERS grabbing the HELL out of each other! How can you not love the pure athleticism of two big man? You can have your 450 splashes and moonsaults. If you think people pay to see 100 pound shrimps do flippy flips then you don't know wrestling, you dumb son of a bitch! At least that's what Vince McMahon yells at us everyday.
The Fix: A mad scientist replaces the brains of The Great Khali and Kane with Shawn Michaels and Stone Cold Steve Austin, respectively
Every Shitty Wrestlemania Performance
The Excuse: Any time someone terrible performs at Wrestlemania, remember these words of wisdom: "It could have been Nickelback."
The Fix: Have all theme songs at Wrestlemania performed by Motörhead....unrehearsed.
The ECW Originals vs The New Breed (Wrestlemania 23)
The Excuse: It would be wrong for us to blame this match on Sandman's inability to stay sober. Or Sabu's inability to do a move without the potential of him dying. Or Rob Van Dam's inability to remember his name. So we'll blame it on Tony Dreamer or whatever his name is.
The Fix: Marcus Cor Von rips off his skin during the match revealing himself as New Jack and murders everyone in the ring. Figuratively and/or literally.
All The 'Playboy Matches' (BunnyMania From WM 24, Playboy Pillow Fight WM 22, Playboy Evening Gown match WM 20)
The Excuse: Do women not deserve to be on the Wrestlemania card? The wrestling fan has no respect for female wrestlers. While you take your bathroom breaks, we have to objectify our girls just to keep you in your seats. Hell, it takes us making our girls pose naked for you all to notice how special our Divas really are on the inside. But most importantly, what's better than a bunch of broads in bras touching each other's juggs?
The Fix: Tits.
Bret Hart vs Vince McMahon (Wrestlemania 26)
The Excuse: This match was obviously Bret Hart's payoff for The Montreal Screwjob. Unlike all the other worst matches in Wrestlemania history, this was intentional. What better way for Bret Hart to get back at Shawn Michaels than to lay a giant shit in the middle of the ring he would retire in hours later? At the end of the day: Bret screwed Bret to screw Shawn.
The Fix: Pull a Wrestlemania 2 and have this match live from Canada. A time machine would also do wonders.
Fatal Four-Way match for the WWE Tag Team Championship and Fatal Four-Way match for the World Tag Team Championship (Wrestlemania XX)
The Excuse: The fuck is a tag team match?
The Fix: Put these two matches together, make it a 16-man match and have it last :90.
All The Celebrity Matches (Snooki at WM 27, Floyd Mayweather at WM24, Akebono at WM 21)
The Excuse: It's famous people! That's the Mania part of WrestleMANIA! Remember that guy on the TV/in the movie you hear a lot about? Well, they are going to have minor involvement in a hobby you enjoy. What could be better?!? No matter how small (Snooki) or how big (Snooki) a celebrity is, for a moment in time, you can say a person who matters to other people did something that matters to you. If you can't brag about that, I don't know what you can brag about.
The Fix: Change the name of 'WrestleMANIA to WrestleEVENT.'