“Ohhh, written in the stars…” -Tinie Tempah
Year after year, The Road to WrestleMania provides wrestling fans all over the world with months of buildup and speculation as to what is going to make up the biggest card of the year. And year after year the dirtsheets are riddled with reports of the boys and the girls in the back being disgruntled about the higher ups bringing in celebrity after celebrity to be involved in the show. Then comes the debate about the men and women busting their ass all year for the WWE, not getting a spot and a shot at a WrestleMania payday vs. a high profile celebrity coming in and selling a few thousand more Pay Per Views, thusly bringing more eyes to the product in the weeks prior. Not to mention months of hardcore wrestling fans lamenting yet another foolish publicity stunt.
The fact of the matter is that celebrity involvement was built into the very fabric of WrestleMania. Whether announcing, singing, or actually being involved in a match, why are people so surprised and pissed off when celebrities are brought into the fold? Personally, I love celebrities. Not in the way that I am a TMZ regular or ever bought an issue of Us Weekly, but I’ll check out the season premiere of Dancing with the Stars or Celebrity Apprentice every now and then.
I think my fondness of famous people break down very much in the same way we shape how we like the wrestlers we do. Being in a public spotlight every day of their lives, the majority of celebrities have publicists (real life creative). These publicists help celebrities shape their public image in whatever mold they ask. Take a look at the celeb landscape. It’s full of cocky heels, chicken-shit heels, holier-than-thou heels, heroic faces, plucky underdog faces*, and eccentric magnetic faces.
*Athletes are celebrities and I’m not arguing this fact.
So in an attempt further annoy those who take what we do here seriously and under the inspiration of the theme song for WrestleMania XXVII, Written in the Stars, is the only WrestleMania dream card written for the stars. The one qualification is to have appeared at a prior WrestleMania.
Dark Match Battle Royal
Everybody wants a taste of that WrestleMania payday, and just because you’ve never been invited to the Granddaddy of Them All doesn’t mean you’re any less of a celebrity. So, for this dark match battle royal, all of the entrants have either guest hosted Monday Night Raw or have starred in a WWE Film.
Timbaland, Ed Harris, Shaq, Jeremy Piven, Bradley Cooper, Danny Glover, Michael Rapaport, Jamie Kennedy, Bobb’e J. Thompson, Bob Barker, Dennis Farina, William Shatner, Ben Roethlisberger, Jonah Hill, Mark Cuban, Hugh Jackman, Dennis Miller, Johnny Knoxville, Jon Lovitz, and Wayne Brady
With such a prestigious group in this dark match, the entering crowd just can’t help but get going for this action. Timbaland’s high as hell and has no idea where he is. Jonah Hill was advertised, but never actually got to show up. Ed Harris realizes early that he’s been nominated for FOUR FUCKING OSCARS and distances himself as quickly as possible. Bradley Cooper and Hugh Jackman have a “Handsome-off” and eliminate each other which makes Jeremy Piven feel slighted and throws himself in a crossbody over the ropes toward them and onto the floor. Wayne Brady goes into the crowd to take a suggestion… and is never seen again. Shaq dominates the battle royal until he gets suddenly summoned for genie duty. In the end, years of Celebrity All Star games pay off…
Now cue the intro package and the pyro, it’s time to start Celebrity WrestleMania!
Kicking off the ceremonies with the WrestleMania tradition of America the Beautiful is Ray Charles. Ray sang the best damn rendition of this song of all time and this is my imagination so I don’t give a damn if we have to reanimate his corpse, no one else sings this song.
Checking in on commentary is the legendary Bob Uecker and Joan Rivers. Uecker is the man, and well, Rivers should be just as good as Jerry Lawler now. They welcome us and relieve the viewers at home by announcing Steve “Mongo” McMichael has been banned from the building and will play no part in the night’s proceedings.
Money in the Bank
Starting the show off hot, we get right into high-risk action! The winner of this match will have the opportunity to insert themselves into any high profile storyline on WWE TV anytime between now and the next WrestleMania.
Pee Wee Herman, Freddie Prinze Jr., Alice Cooper, William “The Refrigerator” Perry, Fantasia Barrino, Snoop Dogg, Donnie Wahlberg, and Regis Philbin
Unfortunately for Freddie Prinze Jr., he couldn’t change it to the type of match he would have liked it to be. This isn’t the type of match you want to count Regis out of because Regis 911 just may open a container of whoop ass. Just for fun, let’s all imagine, let’s say Donnie Wahlberg doing this to Fantasia Barrino.
Winner: Snoop Dogg
Cross-Sport/Big Show Match
In an effort to answer the biggest question in sports entertainment (and because Manny Pacquiao still refuses to fight him), Floyd Mayweather Jr. squares off against Akebono to decide who was the dominant Big Show opponent at WrestleMania. Mayweather throws everything he has at Akebono, lefts, rights, money. Mayweather turns around to strap on his trusty brass knuckles when Akebono makes his move, trips over a wad of hundred dollar bills, and falls on the boxing champion.
Rematch of the Century
Anticipated by experts for over a decade, the time has come. BACKLUND! JTT! CELEBRITY WRESTLEMANIA! I won’t pretend to know like I know anything about chess, but I do know that Backlund won’t stand for losing to the former heartthrob twice in a row. Jonathan Taylor Thomas made a good run of it, but Backlund distracts him with his extensive knowledge of U.S. Presidents.
Winner: Bob Backlund
With so many popular and award winning musical artists having walked through the WrestleMania curtain, they all must have thought at least a version of this same thought about the WWE’s original music: “Shit, I could do better than that.” Well music makers, this is your chance.
12 Man Tag Match for Control of Jim Johnston’s Job
Aretha Franklin, Cyndi Lauper, Run D.M.C., John Legend, Willie Nelson, and Limp Bizkit vs. Robert Goulet, Gladys Knight, Little Richard, Reba McEntire, P.O.D., and Kid Rock
Needless to say, there are heavy pros and cons with each of these teams taking control of WWE Music. John Legend is great, but his team comes with Limp Bizkit. Would a Little Richard team win bring a comeback of Marc Mero? Willie Nelson is an icon, but would he get half the roster suspended just from hanging out with him? Which Reba are you gonna get? This one makes Mike Whidden’s love for Christian Metal bands from San Diego happy.
Winners: Robert Goulet, Gladys Knight, Little Richard, Reba McEntire, P.O.D., and Kid Rock
Hollywood Backlot Brawl
Mickey Rourke vs. Burt Reynolds
Both men made ladies quiver in their earlier days. Both men have had more box office success than anyone else on this card. Both men have worked in movies with Ron Jeremy. Burt Reynolds is at a disadvantage in that he will go to any lengths to not have his toupee knocked off. Mickey Rourke on the other hand has already had enough damage done to his face, any more only gives him more character depth for his next role. Oh yeah, and Rourke has actual wrestling training.
Winner: Mickey Rourke
More than halfway through the show and after that grueling fight, it’s time for a cool down match.
Six Divas Tag Match
Pamela Anderson, Jennie Garth, and Mary Hart vs. Jenny McCarthy, Snooki, and Liberace
I know, cheap Liberace joke. Couldn’t help myself. The nine-year-old version of me is going crazy at the thought of Pamela Anderson and Jenny McCarthy going at each other. Rolling around… grabbing at each other… the slim chance of a wardrobe malfunction… *WAKE UP*. Could you imagine if Snooki goes undefeated at WrestleMania?
Winners: Jenny McCarthy, Snooki, and Liberace
Intercontinental Celebrity Championship Match
Alex Trebek vs. Pete Rose
This seems about the caliber of an IC Title match and Trebek is Canadian, so that works as well. Alex Trebek is played to the ring by Motörhead (The Game! GET IT?) while Pete Rose makes his way to the squared circle with Ice-T rapping Pimpin’ Ain’t Easy (Pimping, gambling, both illegal. Both fun as hell.) Rose starts out on the mic, telling Trebek that he left a couple of tickets for Watson but he couldn’t bend over to pick them up! HOW BOUT IT? Because he’s a computer! HOW BOUT IT? Trebek has had enough and imagines Rose wrote every one of those Saturday Night Live sketches and gets Canadian strong. What kind of WrestleMania would is it if Pete Rose left victorious in something?
Winner: Alex Trebek
Boxing’s Dream Wrestling Match
This is the match that I’ve been itching to get to. This is what makes dream booking worth writing over 2,000 words for. Without the limitations of time or space, I can make the impossible possible. Settle and stir up debate all with a keystroke. Bend reality all to fit my whimsy.
Mike Tyson vs. Muhammad Ali
Such naturally gifted athletes, give these two men proper wrestling training and this should be the match that steals the show. Mike Tyson is shorter but more muscular making him a brawler with a low center of gravity that can suplex you out of your shoes. Think of a wrestling style that’s a cross between Cold Stone Steve Austin and Taz. Muhammad Ali has the height and reach advantage, so as you would expect he would be more of a striker. Think CM Punk’s wrestling style with the charisma of, well, Muhammad Ali. (I was going to say The Rock, but Ali was The Rock before little Dwayne Johnson was ever a gleam in “Soulman” Rocky Johnson’s eye. Respect to Ali.) After going an exhilarating 30 minutes, Ali is still rockin’ and rollin while Tyson is starting to get gassed. After a combination of strikes and a blow to the head, Tyson is done.
Winner: Muhammad Ali
And now, it’s here. It’s time for your Celebrity WrestleMania MAIN EVENT! And what kind of main event would it be if it didn’t desperately disappoint after an incredibly hot match prior? But it has to be done. The only two celebrities to have main-evented a WrestleMania.
Main Event Match
Lawrence Taylor vs. Mr. T
Playing LT to the ring, in an attempt to recreate the magic of WrestleMania XI, Salt-N-Pepa perform Whatta Man. Accompanying Mr. T to the ring is everybody’s favorite drugged out rock star, Ozzy Osbourne! “Why Ozzy”, you ask? Why not? I could watch those two grumble and mumble for 20 minutes a day! Sounds like a reality show to me. Not to slight either of these two performers in the ring, but their best assets lie far, far away from the ring. Ten minutes into the match and Taylor gets thrown to the outside. LT and Ozzy end up reminiscing about the old days when out of nowhere, the make a b-line through the audience and out of the arena to score some coke. I hear Javier down on 6th street has the best stuff. The ref counts to ten and cue the pyro and confetti!
Winner: Mr. T
And that is the anticlimactic conclusion of Celebrity Wrestlemania! I can’t wait for those buy rate numbers to come in. Until then, I hope everybody was able to extract some sort of sick entertainment out of this dream card. So what do I do until the actual WrestleMania? And now I leave you my favorite celebrity moment at a WrestleMania, Raven Symone telling crippled kids to stand up:
Access Hollywood is on! Bye!
Rich Camillucci is a celebrity enthusiast who may daydream about what it’s like to be famous one day. If he’s not famous, he would totally settle on being like Turtle from Entourage. Help Rich get one step closer to fame and getting verified by following him on Twitter @RichCami