“Maybe I’ll go back to Ring of Honor.”-CM Punk
Since the website launched in August, I have been trying to write about ROH. I started to follow the company in 2005 and love the alternative that it serves to wrestling fans. That being said, ROH isn’t necessarily the funniest company in the world. It is a very serious company with good storylines, good wrestling and good intentions. In short, it isn’t ripe with topics that we can joke about.
Then, it struck me. ROH recently celebrated its 10th anniversary and I found that odd because it means that they have officially been in business longer than Extreme Championship Wrestling (if you consider ECW really starting in 1994 with the Shane Douglas speech). ECW was another cutting-edge independent company that was heavily raided by WWE and WCW. ROH followed that pattern…but hasn’t been regarded as important as ECW. I wanted to know why that was.
And I was once again thwarted by the comedy gods. The article was way too analytical and had about as much humor as Schindler’s List. The answer was also fairly easy: the climate of the wrestling business has been more tepid in ROH’s time period as ECW’s and ROH wrestlers going to the big show have had to deal with a lot more creative issues than ECW wrestlers had to endure.
So, I was still struggling. How do I make ROH fun? Hmm…fun.
How about a Funtastical Fantasy Match-Up?!?
I loved writing it the first time, so why not take 30 ROH wrestlers and 30 ECW wrestlers that moved on to WWE, WCW or TNA and put them in Tope’s favorite match, WORLD WAR 3!
Much like my tag-team World War 3, the participants are considered based on their peak period within the time period considered. So, for example, it will not be 2011 CM Punk in World War 3, it will be 2005 CM Punk. That affects the results.
The rings break down like this:
Matt Sydal/Evan Bourne
Colt Cabana/Scotty Goldman (had to do it)
Jamie Noble/James Gibson
Nigel McGuinness/Desmond Wolfe
Matt Bentley/Michael Shane
Claudio Castagnoli/Antonio Cesaro
Chris Hero/Kassius Ohno
Bubba Ray Dudley
Rhino/Rhyno (had to do it)
Taz/Tazz (I think that is enough of that)
Rob Van Dam
Daniel Bryan Danielson
Jimmy “Wang” Yang
Joey “Mercury” Matthews
“The” Brian Kendrick
Tyler Black/Seth Rollins
This is going to be fucking crazy. Because it’s ROH and ECW-based, we couldn’t afford Michael Buffer, so let’s just get into the action!
DING DING DING
There are no alliances whatsoever, unlike the tag-team WW3, so eliminations come quick already. Evil ass Homicide doesn’t know that the doughy fellow in the corner will eventually be his tag-team partner, although jacked to the nines, and throws “Hotstuff” Hernandez out of Ring 1. Meanwhile, Chris Benoit rips Mikey Whipwreck’s head off a la Mortal Kombat and chucks him out of the ring.
ELIMINATIONS 1 & 2: HERNANDEZ AND MIKEY WHIPWRECK
In Ring 2, Bubba Ray Dudley and Johnny Grunge has been beating the fat off of one another, trying to establish who the greatest team in ECW history was. In their tussling, they eliminate one another. Seeing the skirmish, D-Von and Rocco Rock eliminate one another and join the fracas. Over 400 tables died that night.
ELIMINATIONS 3-6: THE DUDLEY BOYZ AND PUBLIC ENEMY
Action slows up a little bit, especially because some of the disparities between workrates in ECW and ROH wrestlers is bigger than Viscera’s monthly food bill. The Sandman and Tyler Black have no idea what to do against one another, in other words. Bryan Danielson is tearing his hair out watching Sabu try to deliver moves. This is the fun I was talking about!
Not having fun: several poor saps in Ring 2. The talent drop off is pretty steep and that is evident when Rhino throws Matt Bentley out, Taz suplexes Little Guido over the top, AJ and Daniels team up to eliminate CW Anderson and Nigel out-Britished Doug Williams to the floor.
ELIMINATIONS 7-10: MATT BENTLEY, LITTLE GUIDO, CW ANDERSON AND DOUG WILLIAMS
“That looks like fun,” exclaimed Ring 3 and they respond in kind. Blue Meanie uses his size to dump Tony Mamaluke out, Chris Jericho backdrops Joey Mercury to the ground and Jimmy Yang gets destroyed by a Justin Credible Singapore Cane shot, causing his momentum to send him out of the match.
ELIMINATIONS 11-13: TONY MAMALUKE, JOEY MERCURY AND JIMMY YANG
With two of the three rings already at least halfway done, Ring 1 is still moving at a tortoise-like pace. Every time CM Punk has someone on the verge of being eliminated, Colt Cabana interrupts him with a corny joke and screws it up. Spike Dudley is holding on by the skin of his teeth. Samoa Joe…is Samoa Joe in his ROH days and not his TNA days and wakes the fuck up. That means a double clothesline to Psicosis and Sonjay Dutt, who still deserves better, eliminating them.
ELIMINATIONS 14 AND 15: PSICOSIS AND SONJAY DUTT
On the other side of the ring, Spike Dudley’s teeth skin (man, that weird to type) has worn off and Mike Awesome overhead presses him to the 63rd row. Hey, it could happen.
ELIMINATION 16: SPIKE DUDLEY
Claudio and Hero in Ring 2, who were last minute additions to this match, are working together as the great tag team that they are. They give the King Swing to RVD, who sells it for 10 minutes. European Uppercuts and K.O elbows are aplenty for everybody. The dreaded KRS-One (yeah, this move is the tits) hits Jamie Noble, who is easy pickings for an elimination afterwards. Rey Mysterio springboards into the Kings, but gets caught and surprisingly chucked out. That’s what happens when you are 145 pounds, buddy.
ELIMINATIONS 17 AND 18: JAMIE NOBLE AND REY MYSTERIO
The Kings of Wrestling celebrate their dominance a little too much and turn around into a Cactus Jack clothesline over the top rope…but Foley is unable to hang on!!! Cactus Jack is also eliminated and only nine people remain in Ring 2. They get a nice break there…even though none of them need it.
ELIMINATIONS 19-21: THE KINGS OF WRESTLING AND CACTUS JACK
Ring 1 and Ring 3 keep chugging along. Paul London is flying around, the whole world still in front of him because it is ROH Paul London. Perry Saturn is healthy and giving out Death Valley Drivers like candy. Jimmy Rave is avoiding contact as best he can. Then, history repeats itself in each ring as Low-Ki kicks Amazing Red into oblivion AKA out of the match and Austin Aries takes Generation Next’s leadership all over again by throwing Alex Shelley over the top.
ELIMINATIONS 22 AND 23: AMAZING RED AND ALEX SHELLEY
Wait a minute…what is that sound playing over the loudspeaker? It’s the hit song by Afroman, “Because I Got High.” Every wrestler stops what he is doing, especially the ECW wrestlers. Rob Van Dam immediately wakes up. Confusion is abound, but Brian Kendrick and Evan Bourne know what they are doing: eliminating themselves and investigating the situation…personally…at the expense of their careers.
ELIMINATIONS 24 AND 25: BRIAN KENDRICK AND EVAN BOURNE
Once the music ends, everything gets back to normal. Getting back to normal naturally means Dean Malenko outsmarting Perry Saturn and eliminating him and Jerry Lynn (the only ROH and ECW World Champion ever) getting thrown out and nobody noticing who did it or how it happened.
ELIMINATIONS 26 AND 27: PERRY SATURN AND JERRY LYNN
With only four spots left before the final ring, everyone takes fewer chances…except Sabu. He sees Lynn and Saturn outside and springboard dives onto them, lights himself on fire, finds the Dudleyz and Public Enemy just so he can put himself through a table and then closes his wounds with Elmer’s Glue. Long story short, Sabu is out.
ELIMINATION 28: SABU
Inspired by Sabu’s antics, Stevie Richards and the Blue Meanie begin to impersonate the Original Sheik, a la their kooky actions as the bWo. Jay Lethal, feeling psychic about his future, gets jealous and starts dealing out double axe handles like he was already Black Machismo. The bWo retorts with a Bushwhackers parody and give the battering ram to anybody standing up. Lethal busts out the Flair and drops elbows and knees on nobody. There is an epic parody stare off between the three men…until everybody wakes up from their beat down and gangs up on the clowns. Sandman takes care of Lethal, Jimmy Rave muscles out Stevie Richards and everybody else teams up to eliminate Da Blue Guy. Ring 3 is set with nine guys as well.
ELIMINATIONS 29-31: JAY LETHAL, STEVIE RICHARDS AND BLUE MEANIE
At least one man has to go out from Ring 1 and naturally, nobody wants it to be them. Tajiri is kicking with all of his awesome power. Raven and Homicide…that just sounds like fun. CM Punk and Samoa Joe have locked up! The classic rivalry has been renewed. Joe makes one mistake and Punk has him on the brink…until Colt Cabana walks up and tussles Punk’s hair in encouragement. As Colt struts away with the audience in stitches, Punk has had enough and run up from behind Colt, throwing him to the floor. Colt can’t believe it and Punk is relieved. The final ring is set!
ELIMINATION 32: COLT CABANA
The remaining 28 wrestlers are reconvene in Ring 2 and begin the Final Battle (ROH pun intended). The extended break that Ring 2 got served them well because, soon after the merger, Lance Storm superkicks Juvi out and Nigel McLariats Sandman, who was late to the bar anyway.
ELIMINATIONS 33 AND 34: JUVENTUD GUERRERA AND THE SANDMAN
My apologies…I completely forget to mention that Jimmy Rave’s manager, Prince Nana, has made his way to ringside to encourage his charge and to generally entertain the masses. Tajiri catches Rave in the corner with the Tarantula, but Nana reaches up and pulls Tajiri out. The Buzzsaw responds in kind with the green mist to the face of Nana, who flails about. This distracts Rave, who gets a dropkick from Eddie Guerrero to send him out. Prepare the shrimp cocktail; the Embassy is heading home.
ELIMINATIONS 35 AND 36: TAJIRI AND JIMMY RAVE
There are some great renewed rivalries taking place in the ring. Nigel and Tyler Black beat each other down. Taz and Mike Awesome are reliving their historical match in 2000. Raven and CM Punk still hate each other and trade blows. Their momentum is so strong that they are sent over the top rope! Two of the favorites are out!
ELIMINATIONS 37 AND 38: CM PUNK AND RAVEN
Amongst the buzz in the crowd from that shocking elimination, no one notices Shane Douglas begin to convulse in the center of the ring. In his blackout, Shane has a flash forward to the mid-2000s and sees himself working at Target. After he comes to, he freaks out because he thinks that he is late for his shift and eliminates himself. Thankfully, he didn’t have Dean Douglas visions.
ELIMINATION 39: SHANE DOUGLAS
There is another tag team working together now and it is Lance Storm and Justin Credible, the Impact Players. They take advantage of nobody liking cocky, Prophecy-era Daniels and easily getting rid of him. After their cool pose that blatantly ripped off Diesel and Shawn Michaels, they turn around and receive a Drop sault from Paul London, taking them both out of the match. When will teams learn their lesson and stop taunting?
ELIMINATIONS 40-42: CHRISTOPHER DANIELS, LANCE STORM AND JUSTIN CREDIBLE
Of course, a Drop sault includes a Moonsault and that Moonsault was delivered to AJ Styles, who had just taken a Tazzplex, Aries Brainbuster and Ki Krusher. Needless to say, even an incredibly high RVD can handle throwing him out.
ELIMINATION 43: AJ STYLES
Over in the far corner, Dean Malenko almost has Tyler Black out when a very familiar face jumps the barricade and comes from behind Malenko, eliminating him and Tyler Black. As Malenko looks back into the ring, it’s former ECW star Nova...who was left out of this match even though he went on to portray Simon Dean in WWE, which was just a giant rib on Dean Malenko, whose real name is Dean Simon. Whew…get all that? Nova does jumping jacks and then runs for his life when Malenko starts to chase him. Tyler Black immediately books a flight back to FCW.
ELIMINATIONS 44 AND 45: DEAN MALENKO AND TYLER BLACK
Only 15 remain. It is at this point where size and power begin to dominate. Rhino gores “Lionheart” Chris Jericho out of his boots and eliminates him. Samoa Joe gets revenge on Austin Aries for ending his legendary ROH Title run and chucks him over the top. Mike Awesome throws Paul London even further than Spike Dudley.
ELIMINATIONS 46-48: CHRIS JERICHO, AUSTIN ARIES AND PAUL LONDON
Eddie Guerrero and Chris Benoit become entangled and thrown out by Steve Austin. I am not touching this one.
ELIMINATIONS 49 AND 50: EDDIE GUERRERO AND CHRIS BENOIT
We are down to 10. Everyone is paired off. Steve Austin and Rob Van Dam debate beer vs marijuana. Bryan Danielson and Nigel head butt each other until they are covered in blood. Taz and Rhino can barely be seen because they are pretty much shorter than everyone else in the ring. Samoa Joe gives the Muscle Buster to Mike Awesome and then runs over and clotheslines the Rottweiliers out of the ring. Julius Smokes makes weird noises in the locker room.
ELIMINATIONS 51 AND 52: LOW-KI AND HOMICIDE
Nigel gets the advantage on the American Dragon and sets him up for the lariat while Bryan is sitting on the top rope. However, before he can deliver, RVD dropkicks both men. Nigel hits the ground and Bryan hangs on somehow.
ELIMINATION 53: NIGEL MCGUINNESS
Remember, this isn’t Stone Cold Steve Austin. This is Superstar Steve Austin. That means he is dishing out Stun Guns like crazy, moving briskly and…isn’t as good as Stone Cold Steve Austin. Austin charges Rhino and Rhino ducks, sending Austin out of the match.
ELIMINATION 54: STEVE AUSTIN
RVD begins to gain momentum. Bill Alfonso runs out with his annoying whistle and throws RVD a chair, who proceeds to use it on every wrestler with his crazy ass moves. The crowd is firmly behind him, he does the thumb pointing and it looks like nothing can stop him. From the back emerges Evan Bourne and Brian Kendrick, who have no idea where they are. RVD begins to smell the air like Scooby-Doo around food and sees how much fun Kendrick and Bourne seem to be having. Having exerted himself so much, he shrugs and eliminates himself. Kendrick and Bourne lead him to the back and they proceed to incur millions of dollars in drug fines.
ELIMINATION 55: ROB VAN DAM
Everyone struggles to their feet and can’t take much more damage. The ECW guys all gang up on one another and Joe catches Bryan in the dreaded choke. Bryan is unconscious and Joe runs over and nails Taz and Awesome from behind, who were in the process of dumping out Rhino. The impact takes Rhino out and we are down to four.
ELIMINATION 56: RHINO
With Bryan out of the equation, Taz knocks Joe down, chokes Awesome out as well, but has the wherewithal to eliminate him…just so he can have Joe to himself.
ELIMINATION 57: MIKE AWESOME
Joe gets to his feet and he goes nose-to-nose with Taz. The crowd is electric as the two machines (of the Samoan Submission and Human Suplexing variety) tear intoone another. For every German Suplex, there is a T-Bone suplex. For every Brooklyn Boot, there is a Enziguiri. Finally, Joe uses his size advantage to lock on the Coquina Clutch and Taz tries to fight it off. As they lean against the ropes, BRYAN DANIELSON HAS AWAKENED! He runs over and pushes Joe from behind. Both men fall over the top rope.
Taz hung on.
ELIMINATION 58: SAMOA JOE
…S! YES! YES! YES! YES! YES! YES!
Bryan cannot stop celebrating his “victory” and Taz can’t lick his chops enough. Bryan turns around and catches the most disgusting Capture Suplex ever. He gets up, groggy as hell and Taz charges with a huge clothesline. Bryan flies over the top rope and both feet hit the ground. This countdown has ended.
ELIMINATION 59: BRYAN DANIELSON
YOUR WINNER OF THE ROH/ECW WORLD WAR 3: TAZ
Taz celebrates and thanks his power (and low center of gravity) for carrying him to the victory. In celebration, actual pigeons are let loose in the arena.
For all of you perverts (aka male wrestling fans), this video is what you were expecting.
And there you have it. Taz wins World War 3 and I think I managed to make ROH fun. That’s what WCW’s crazy ideas can help you achieve.
Until the next Funtastical Fantasy Match (which won’t be another World War 3, I promise), we will see you in the real world.