“How was your movie?" "Oh, mine went straight to DVD just like yours.” Banter between Triple H and CM Punk
It feels like an eternity ago when I wrote my first article for Podswoggle.com breaking down the wrestling business’ never-ending obsession with the movie industry. Alas, it has only been seven months and, alas, nothing has changed. WWE is still churning out WWE Films that elicit the profit of a box of Milk Duds. Every wrestling company in the world tries to bring in any level of celebrity in an attempt to generate mainstream publicity. They will even try to steal gimmicks from movies and alter them in an effort to capitalize on the popularity of that film. Hell, we still think Natayla’s farting gimmick comes from the fact that Vince just watched "Nutty Professor 2: The Klumps." It hasn’t changed and it never will.
Celebrities on wrestling television will also be hit or miss. Almost every character based on a pop culture entity will fail. The movies WWE produces will forever stink…but do they have to?
With all of the creativity that WWE can exude at different times, there is no reason why WWE Films can’t be entertaining. So the Swoggle Squad has taken it upon themselves to fix WWE Films.
How did we do it? We turned to the fantastic board game, Hollywood Shuffle. The premise is simple: There are three cards that you turn over that reveal the plot to a very random movie. The first card is “The Lead.” The middle card is “The Action.” The final card is “The Twist.”
Using this premise, we will get a plot and give each film a title, cast, tagline and certain scenes/DVD extras.
So, let’s all go to the lobby…let’s all go to the lobby…let’s all go to the lobby…because we need some fucking snacks to enjoy these great pieces of cinematic art.
"A crackhead discovers a hidden talent for dance at the Rose family Bar Mitzvah."
Title: “Torah Down the House”
Playing the part of the crackhead is…R-TRUTH. A stretch role for him.
Playing the part of Mr. Rose, the annoyed Jewish father, is…EUGENE LEVY. We based this decision on Levy’s fantastic chemistry with Samuel L. Jackson in “The Man.”
The tag line for “Torah Down the House” is “Usta is a Jewsta from Brewster!”
Naturally, the film would involve plenty of talking to an imaginary Little Jimmy…until good old Ron Killings finds an actual Little Jimmy and they become best friends.
The film’s culmination includes R-Truth having a dance off with Too Cool sans Rikishi, leading R-Truth to overcome his crack addiction and finding his meaning in life through dance.
The DVD includes a 20 to 60 minute gag reel of Truth trying to say Yiddish words.
Rejected titles for “Torah Down the House” were “Jews and Other Drugs”, “Little Jimmy Goldstein” and “America’s Gonna Get Got Talent.”
"An eager young senator quests for a dragon’s treasure unraveling the secrets of the universe."
Title: “Scales of Justice”
Playing the part of the senator is… TRENT BARRETA. Eager and young pretty much sums him up.
The Dragon is voiced by… TIM MEADOWS. We were going to go with Jerry Minor, but he is literally too unknown for WWE to care about hiring.
The tag line for “Scales of Justice” is “This summer: Get Dude Busted!”
In the film, Barreta fights to provide the U.S. government with enough funds to balance the budget and naturally slays the dragon by using his escalator trick for “Z! True Long Island Story.” As he quests for the treasure, Barreta unravels the secrets of the universe all right. He unravels the secrets of the WWE Universe and that secret is how to get over/acquire more TV time.
An alternate ending on the DVD reveals that the whole movie is just one big acid trip Barreta goes on with Curt Hawkins.
The rejected title for “Scales of Justice” was “The Reptilian Candidate.”
"A lifelong bachelor forms a rock band in order to pay off a gambling debt."
Title: “Broke Man Rock Band”
Playing the part of the bachelor is…DAVID CARUSO. The character in the film is Heath Slater, but we don’t even want him to portray himself.
Playing the part of the wrestlers owed the gambling debt: THE A.P.A.
The tag line for “Broke Man Rock Band” is “How can a ginger get even further in the red?”
WWE’s first autobiographical film, Caruso owns the role of Heath Slater, masterfully cutting through the screen in scenes such as the one where he awkwardly hits on that security guard that tried to sue him and our favorite scene: Bradshaw and Faarooq holding Caruso by the ankles over the balcony of a hotel room.
In a behind-the-scene featurette on the DVD, the real Heath Slater bores everybody with a 45-minute interview about his sad existence.
The rejected title for “Broke Man Rock Band” was “Right Down to Your Corre.”
"A charismatic but maniacal cult leader goes on the blind date from Hell with a magical talking bong."
Title: “Pipe Bong”
Playing the cult leader is…CM PUNK. Don’t worry. He still has that character in his wheelhouse.
Voicing the talking bong is…SARAH SILVERMAN. We are basing this off of her acting ability, lack of likeability and the sheer fact we want Punk to yell at her, “YOU’RE A WHOOOOOOORE!”
The tag line for “Pipe Bong” is “He’s the Cult of Personality. She’s the Cult of Perso…what was going on?”
The film is littered with neat moments that make it a cult classic. Rob Van Dam narrates the zany action. The film is sponsored by Highspots.com. Colt Cabana takes the role of Donald Sutherland in “The Kentucky Fried Movie” and plays the best clumsy waiter anyone has ever seen and spills bong water all over Punk. Naturally, Punk’s response is “High Colt Cabana…how ya doing?”
Oh, yeah…Sarah Silverman’s character’s name is Awesome Bong. Thank you. Thank you.
Trust us, all of this is just icing on the cake to watching Sarah Silverman annoy CM Punk for 90 minutes.
The main DVD extra is Sarah Silverman actually annoying CM Punk on set for two months.
The rejected titles for “Pipe Bong” were “It’s Slobbering Time” and “He’s Just Not That Into Weed.”
"Jesus surfs colossal waves while suffering endless teasing from his former peers."
Title: “Be a Jesus Christ SuperSTAR”
Playing the role of Jesus is…TYLER REKS. The budget is low, so we can’t afford to outfit someone with all of the Jesus hair. They just have to have it already.
Playing the role of Jesus’ surf coach is…CHRISTIAN SLATER. He needs the money.
Playing the roles of Jesus’ mean peers are…ALEX WINTER and JAKE BUSEY. Keanu gets so much love, why can’t the guy who played Bill S. Preston get some work, too? Plus, nobody would make fun of Jesus like Gary Busey’s crazy ass kid.
The tag line for “Be a Jesus Christ SuperSTAR” is “Wait…why the fuck is Jesus surfing?”
In the film’s climatic surfing competition finale, Jesus wins after he runs out of surf wax and merely nails his feet to the surfboard. Someone in the crowd leans over to a friend and asks, “Seriously…why the fuck is Jesus surfing?”
For shits and giggles, the DVD extras include every Tyler Reks match from WWECW and a three-hour loop of Reks’ theme music during that gimmick.
The rejected title for “Be a Jesus Christ SuperSTAR” was “Rise Above Waves.”
"An irritable senior citizen battles an advancing horde of insecticide aliens while battling narcolepsy."
Title: “He’s Living?”
Playing the part of the senior citizen is…RODDY PIPER.
Playing the part of all of the insecticide aliens is…KEITH DAVID.
The tag line for “He’s Living?” is “WWE Films presents a 100% original, truly new, never been done before experience.”
Directed by Jack Carpenter, “He’s Living?” features Piper wearing magic sunglasses that prevent his narcolepsy from plaguing him and the revolutionary catchphrase, “I’ve come here to chew bubblegum and kick ass…and I’m all out of teeth.”
Seriously, you won’t want to miss this WWE Film that transcends entertainment with its creativity, groundbreaking techniques and originality.
The rejected title for “He’s Living?” was “Alienzzzzzzzzzz.”
"A divorced workaholic father muses about modern dating while on the road to visit his ailing father."
Title: “The Brotherhood of the Traveling Tights”
Playing a pair of divorced workaholic fathers are…HULK HOGAN and RIC FLAIR. Yes, it still saddens us that we have to make these jokes.
Playing the ailing fathers are…ROBERT LOGGIA AND WILFORD BRIMLEY. One is dying from diabeetus. The other is dying from being too awesome.
The tag line for “The Brotherhood of the Traveling Tights” is “Where they’re going, they’re gonna need pain pills.”
A semi-autobiographical film, Hogan and Flair play themselves doing all of the crazy shit we can only imagine the two of them would do if they went on a road trip together. The highlights include:
-A comedic scene for the ages as both men try to set up their OK Cupid accounts.
-Ric Flair going down on a chick who is on her period and coming up with a crimson mask as only Ric Flair can. Hogan busts in the room and gets jealous, so he just blades himself like crazy.
-Ric Flair hooking up with Brooke Hogan in a random hotel. Hogan retaliates by hooking up with David Flair.
If you don’t want to see this flick, then you haven’t been a fan of wrestling after all.
The main extra on the DVD is actual footage of all of these scenes happening in real life.
The rejected titles for “The Brotherhood of the Traveling Tights” were “Father Knows Best”, “Bad Bumps” and “Whatcha Gonna WOOO!”
"A troubled loner with a mysterious past takes on an army of evil ninjas in rural Alabama."
Title: “I Choppy Choppy Your Pee Pee: The Movie.”
Playing the part of the troubled loner is…RANDY ORTON. Hopefully, Ed Harris taught him something on the set of “That’s What I Am.”
Playing the part of the evil ninjas are…EVERY JAPANESE WRESTLER EVER. The leader of the ninjas is naturally SONNY OHNO. That is merely for the “RKOhno” pun at the film’s climax.
The tag line for “I Choppy Choppy Your Pee Pee: The Movie” is “I think I’m hearing Japanese.”
The title says it all: The film dramatically recreates the Val Venis/Kaientai storyline, altering the porn star role with the mysterious loner who hooks up with Sonny Ohno’s wife (as opposed to Mr. Yamiguchisan’s wife). Orton gets his Viper cut off by the evil ninjas and roars back with vengeance.
The fact that the movie is in Alabama is only apparent because of Hardcore Holly’s cameo halfway through the movie.
There is an alternate DVD commentary with Funaki and Taka Michinoku…who are dubbed over by two random actors. Screw it, the entire film doesn’t have anybody else in it. Let’s go with RYAN STILES and CORBIN BERSEN.
The rejected title for “I Choppy Choppy Your Pee Pee: The Movie” was “Ninja, Please!”
There you have it. Eight projects that would warm the critics’ hearts and change the perception of your studio forever. WWE Films, the ball is in your court. Give all of the other production companies a run for their money.
We won’t even take 100 percent of the credit.
100 percent of the profits is an entirely different story.