"Tonight is SmackDown! night at the Mallard residence. Can you believe it? Mother's favorite program: wrestling." -Dr. Donald 'Ducky' Mallard
I would love to be a fly on the wall of the USA Network Headquarters every Monday night at 8:55 PM. Executives probably go completely crazy when they see the ratings spike for the number of people watching NCIS. But then when they realize that the spike in the ratings is due to all the people waiting to watch Monday Night Raw, its snap back to reality. And oops, there goes gravity. Still, WWE fans are probably better at NCIS trivia then die-hard NCIS fans because they always see who the bad guy is over and over again. Because they never reveal who the bad guy is until the last five minutes.
There is no doubt that the show that has to precede Monday Night Raw is in a tough spot. Not only does it have to compete with all the primetime sitcoms, reality shows, and drama shows on the big networks and other cable networks, but it also must please wrestling fans that wait and wait for the one program they wait for all week to watch. It’s not easy. And there have been numerous failures. Including "Le Femme Nikita." Remember that show? Yeah, you do. However, after multiple attempts, it seems like the USA Network has hit the nail on the head with NCIS. I mean, it is the number one watched show among the big networks (CBS, NBC, ABC, and FOX). There’s action. There’s humor. Plus an array of different characters. Hey, that reminds me of another popular show that is very much well-watched on Monday nights: Monday Night Raw! So, in an attempt to combine the two and maybe help the USA Network make more money (I’ll be expecting some in return as thanks, by the way), it’s time to see what would happen if we made wrestlers NCIS characters. Who knows? Maybe after this article, you’ll want to watch NCIS before Monday Night Raw. Or maybe not. There are a lot of channels out there.
Leroy Jethro Gibbs is…VINCE MCMAHON
Why don’t we kick off the comparisons with the group leader and most well-known character on the show? On the show, Special Agent Gibbs is known for being the boss. He leads the team. He has his own set of rules. And if someone happened to cross Gibbs or make some wise crack, they were victim to the patented Gibbs slap on the back of the head. Needless to say, what Gibbs says, goes. The man runs the roost. So, who is the only person in the WWE to have that philosophy? None other than another gray-haired individual, Vincent Kennedy McMahon. You better follow McMahon’s orders. If you don’t, he might do worse than slap you on the back of the head. He might fire you, humiliate you, or even make you lose squash matches to Heath Slater. Many a wrestler has been in McMahon’s doghouse, and only a handful of them have been able to make it out. And if these reasons aren’t good enough, why don’t you look a picture of the both of them side by side? Are you serious, bro? They could practically be brothers! With the gray hair and prominent chins, they can certainly double for each other. Now if only Gibbs started his own personal Kiss my Ass Club on NCIS. But we know that can’t happen. The show is on CBS, after all. But we can dream, after all. Just imagine when NCIS catches a terrorist and makes him pay by pulling down his pants and having the terrorist pucker up. That’s America, baby! FREEDOM!
Anthony DiNozzo is…CM PUNK
Without a doubt, Anthony DiNozzo is certainly the most intriguing character on the whole show. He is the self-proclaimed ladies’ man. He’s the man who always says the right thing at the right time. Plus, he has a vast knowledge of pop culture and classic movies. And even though he is the one that rubs Gibbs the wrong way the most, it is most often because he is Gibbs’s right hand man. However, even though he is the most intriguing character on the show, this was the hardest person to compare to a wrestler. I mean, which wrestler is a ladies man, an expert in pop culture, great on the mic, and always rubs McMahon the wrong way? I mean, I must have looked at the roster three different times and even consider a couple former WWE wrestlers like Val Venis. But after thinking about it, the choice finally hit me like a pipe bomb. CM Punk is the perfect pick for DiNozzo. He’s not as much of a ladies man, but I’m sure there are some ladies who dig his style (Hi Maria and Beth Phoenix). He is a master when it comes to old movies and pop culture. And if you don’t believe me, check out his twitter @CMPunk. Check out this example. And this one. I don’t think you need an example of how good his mic skills are. Last but not least, if there is anyone that can rub McMahon and the WWE the wrong way, it is CM Punk. He is a main eventer that can still cause frustration. Do you remember that classic June 2011 shoot? You better. In the end, CM Punk is the perfect DiNozzo. But something tells me it probably wouldn’t be a good idea to slap him in the back of the head.
Timothy McGee is…PERCY WATSON
OH YEAH! This is a match made in heaven. In the show, McGee is the ultimate computer geek. His fingers can work magic on the keyboard. He can spit out computer code like it is his own native tongue. He even plays Dungeons and Dragons and World of Warcraft. Needless to say, McGee is the nerd of the show. So when I scan the WWE roster with the word nerd in my mind, Percy Watson sticks out at me like those bright colored horn-rimmed glasses he wears. He even has a Bachelor’s degree in computer information systems! Perfect! Don’t get me wrong. He is a good talent in the ring. But he is no “Showtime.” He should embrace the nerd gimmick. It would be perfect for him. If he came out in pants hiked high, suspenders, and a pocket protector, but then kicked ass, he would probably be more over than he already is. He would probably get off of NXT. Cause who in the blue hell knows where they are going with that show? How many episodes of NXT Redemption have they gone through this season? I lost count after 1. Anyways, back to the nerd gimmick. Everyone loves it when the nice guy gets the win. I mean, weren’t we all rooting for Urkel to get Laura on “Family Matters?” For Rachel Leigh Cook to get Freddie Prinze, Jr. in “She’s All That?” For the nerds in “Revenge of the Nerds” to actually get their revenge? Well, I was. And if Percy Watson became the ultimate nerd, I would probably root for him, too. In fact, it is probably the only way I would root for him.
Ziva David is…AKSANA
Now we come to the eye candy of the show. For you men, if you have never seen NCIS, before you read on, go to Google and type in “Cote de Pablo.” Go ahead. I’ll wait. You back? You’ll certainly be watching NCIS more now, won’t you? On the show, David is the mysterious, sexy foreigner. She does not fully understand the English language and its clichés. She does not fully understand American custom. But the one thing she does understand is how to kick major ass. It doesn’t matter who it is, if you cross her, she’ll kick and punch you so quick, you’ll be wondering if it was the wind. So when I looked at the diva roster, Aksana stuck out as exactly that. I mean, if you take out the gimmick that WWE has given her as Teddy Long’s lover (cause who wants to see that, right), she is exactly what Ziva David is. She is from Lithuania. Her English skills aren’t exactly up to par. And she can definitely kick an ass or two. I mean, for God’s sakes, she was a former fitness model! And she did beat AJ at the FCW show in Kissimmee that I went to. If WWE knew what to do, they would make her a threat. But instead, she’ll just be eye candy for Mr. Holla Holla Holla. Good job, WWE.
Dr. Donald “Ducky” Mallard is…CHRISTOPHER NOWINSKI
Even with a nickname, do not get it wrong. When it comes to the brains of the show, Dr. Mallard is hands-down the man. He is the medical examiner and resident know-it-all of the NCIS crew. Along with his superior knowledge, Mallard is also a charismatic character. Now, while I can run down the list and name multiple charismatic wrestlers, it’s even harder to find one that is legitimately smart. The only one I could gather on the current roster is David Otunga. But he has more muscles than charisma. That’s probably why he drinks all that coffee. To try and be more charismatic. It’s not working, Otunga. So I had to think back to past wrestlers. And when I did, it came to me clear as a bell. Or should I say it hit me in the head so hard, it rang like a bell? Nowinski could have definitely been the winner of the first season of Tough Enough. And while his wrestling career certainly was not a stellar one, he has still remained in the sports spotlight. Using what he learned from Harvard and his own experiences, he is an integral part in the study of concussions in sports and how multiple concussions can affect the health of athletes in the short-term and long-term. Drawing on his own experiences with concussions which caused him to retire from wrestling, he has become the face of concussion awareness and prevention in all of professional sports. It’s no question that Nowinski would fill Mallard’s shoes very well. And before I move on, let me just say, Chris, thanks for everything you are doing for professional sports. You are making it a lot safer which is something that we have needed for a long time. All that you have done can help all of sports be much more safer.
Abby Sciuto is…AJ
To tell you the truth, I have never been a fan of so-called “gothic girls.” I mean, no offense, but there is something about girls with numerous tattoos, leather boots, and too much eyeliner that just doesn’t touch me in the right place. Different strokes for different folks, I guess. However, when it comes to Abby Sciuto, the unique but sweet forensic specialist and laboratory worker, I make an exception. She is certainly a character crush of mine. She’s smart and sweet, but she has an edge about her. Not only that, she is an avid bowler. I love bowling! She is definitely right up my alley. OK. All bowling puns aside, Abby is not that much is an ass-kicker. She is more known for being her sweet gothic self. I mean, she has a farting stuffed hippo, for God’s sakes! So when I look at the diva roster and ask myself who would be more likely to have a farting stuffed hippo, AJ is the clear winner here. Plus, even though she may not have numerous tattoos or have jet black hair, she does lean toward the gothic side with her unique belts and love of the skull and crossbones pattern. Plus, she is an avid video game player and comic book lover. Nuff said. Or I could have just gone with Luna. But for the sakes of having you keep reading this article and not stop and become sick due to the sheer terror of Luna, AJ is just fine. You are welcome.
Leon Vance is…TEDDY LONG
Last but not least, we have Leon Vance. Director Leon Vance. The head man at NCIS. Nothing happens without his approval and if you happen to cross him, you will wish that you never did. However, Vance is not only just an iron fist. He is a man with heart and he’s also got swagger. Needless to say, Vance is one cool guy. So it’s no question that the man that would best fill Vance’s shoes be another lead man with a heart and swag. So listen here, playas! Teddy Long is the head man at Smackdown and, determining what happens at WrestleMania (probably), he may be the head man of both Smackdown and Raw. He definitely has a big heart of gold. Just ask Aksana. She could probably tell you how big his “heart” actually is. And the man definitely has swag. He has worked his way up in the WWE. All the way from being a Royal Rumble referee to a wrestling manager for Rodney Mack and Mark Henry to a General Manager. If I did that, I would have that confident swagger, too. I just don’t know if I would dance like he does. It would probably make me look corny. But in any event, when it comes to the man that closely resembles Director Vance, you don’t have to look any further than Mr. Holla Holla Holla himself. And something tells me that if Director Vance was the Smackdown General Manager, he would make a bunch of tag-team main events, too. Now get to steppin!
And on that note, I’m going to watch NCIS: Los Angeles. Fuck NCIS. I’m a big fan of Linda Hunt. She was the principal in Kindergarten Cop! Ah, so many memories, and no, it is not a tumor.