In the midst of the middling Nexus storyline, on the Old School Raw, Cena was slated for Piper’s Pit. We certainly weren’t expecting too much, and with Roddy Piper getting on in years you could never be to sure whether you were going to have a lucid Piper or a batshit insane Piper. By the time they were done talking, Podswoggle.com Editor-in-Chief Chris Mullet and I look at each other and realized Piper just took John Cena to Promoland.
Since then, Promoland has become a town of fictional wrestling splendor (much like Dudleyville) that we have been populating with profound mic technicians since that fateful night.
There are many intricate aspects that go into the making of any town. Think about your own town. Think about all of the colorful characters that are the make-up of your community. From the people we grew up around to those that made our town run safely. Our first installment shall focus on those with the thankless jobs, the elected and/or appointed officials or the affluent. Readers, welcome to Promoland!
The Mayor of Promoland
Rowdy Roddy Piper’s campaign slogan may have been the most transparent in political history. “Just when you think you have all the answers, I change the questions.”
The perfect mix of competent and controversial, Piper brought the art of the promo to new levels, tailoring them expertly whether beloved or reviled. His ability to control a mob of people with nothing but his words makes him the ideal Mayor of Promoland.
He also knows sometimes you’ve just got to hit your political opponents over the head with a coconut.
The Sheriff of Promoland
Stone Cold Steve Austin would be a desirable sheriff in any town much less Promoland. For all I know, Austin has already played a sheriff in one of his straight-to-Spike TV movies.
Austin is a natural interrogator, as he always wants to know “What?” Stone Cold already comes fully equipped with his own transportation and artillery. Though… Austin may not be the best person to have chasing down drunk drivers himself…
Behind every good sheriff is a great…
Deputy of Promoland
Forever playing second fiddle to Hulk Hogan in the '80s and '90s, Macho Man Randy Savage would play the perfect “crazy cop” to Austin’s “ornery redneck cop.” He’s ready to go with a vast array of sequined cowboy hats as well.
Chair of Parks and Recreation
When it comes to modern day family fun, who better to head up Promoland’s Parks and Rec division than the family man himself, Mick Foley? Who knows more about falling off of large metal structures akin to playgrounds like Foley? Who else has experience swinging from the fences with baseball bats (barbed wired or otherwise)? Who else has broken more bones than anyone playing in the parks in Promoland combined? All Mick wants is to make sure that every single person will “have a nice day.”
Foley is good.
Head of Education
Intelligent and well-spoken in his own right, Chris Jericho serves to be the model of education in Promoland. He has instituted some of the most effective education reforms at all levels of the school system, starting with the “Yeah Baby, C’mon” preschool program. He hit again by teaching elementary school children their numbers tables by making them memorize all 1,004 of his wrestling holds. Jericho admittedly stumbled a bit with this feel good “You Are The Best In The World At What You Do” campaign geared towards middle schools, but looks to get troubled high school youths out of after school trouble with the new “Don’t Be An Ass Clown, Junior” program this fall.
Post Master of Promoland
The ideal expectation of any halfway decent mail service is reliability and predictability. Randy Orton is the personification of both of these. In the hands of RKO, you can expect your promo to be delivered in the same duration and the same fashion as you had last time.
Needless to say, like any good postal worker, he too has voices in his head.
Warden of the Promoland Asylum
That’s right, the inmate is running the asylum in Promoland. Not to worry too much, as R-Truth’s top adviser is Little Jimmy.
Promoland Marine Recruiter
An incredibly necessary and noble position in life, but I’m sorry John Cena, I have no plans in my future to enlist in the Marines.
Promoland’s Eccentric Family
The Rhodes have lived in Promoland for over 30 years and, through the ups and downs, have been an influential staple in the town. From polka-dotted Cadillacs to golden laundry hanging out on the clothesline. It wasn’t until Cody came along that he brought some normalcy to the Rhodes name as the hot-shot high school quarterback.
Founder of Promoland
In the middle of town, in the park right in front of City Hall, stands the statue of the Founder of Promoland, Ric Flair. Flair showed up in Promoland some 40 years ago and started living the life that he would talk about. He brought in limousines, women, and private jets and, with ease, started populating the town with his own damn seed.
Fifty lawsuits and tax liens later, Ric was forced to move from his own town, but still comes in to do a required appearance once a month in front of his own statue.
So that puts a feathered bow on all of the higher ups of Promoland. Next time we meet, we take a closer look and meet the people that make up the seedy underbelly that rounds out Promoland.
Rich Camillucci spent many hours in the Promoland library getting a strong sense of the local history. He also would have made some Elimination Chamber of Commerce jokes if he cared to look up what a Chamber of Commerce does. Follow Rich on Twitter at @RichCami.