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Poetry for the WWE

17 Feb

“Roses are red, violets are blue and I'm the best in the world at what I do.” -Chris Jericho's Twitter @IAmJericho

poemmainIt’s only been a few days after Valentine's Day and I started to recall those days in elementary school where I would do the Valentine's thing and swap those Valentine cards with all the other kids in the class. I also remember how the boys who had a crush on a girl would also write corny little love poems in an effort to be romantic. That got me thinking…and hoping…what if wrestlers were to write corny love poems to each other? I’m not much of a reader, but I would read the shit out of those.

So here are some corny love poems from some of our favorite wrestlers…





Dolph Ziggler to Vickie Guerrero

I fell in love the first time I heard you scream, “Excuse Me,”

For a second I thought I had no chance, but then again, how could you refuse me?

I know my presence makes you nervous, try not to get too sweaty,

And I’ll try to not make things awkward by reminding you of Eddie.

I’ve always wanted to date an older woman, in other words, a cougar,

And of all of them, you had the total package, more so than Lex Luger.

The thought of you and I together is absolute perfection,

So here’s to our Valentine’s night, hopefully you will give me an erection.


Jericho to Jacket

When I started in WWE, all I cared about was Y2J,

But that was before I met you, and you took my breath away.

I wanted to be seen with you, every possible spot in town,

I thought I was emotionally strong, but you broke my walls down.

Whenever you need me, I will run out and buy AA batteries from the mart,

That’s just what people do when they are in love with all of their Lionheart.


Mark Henry to Mae Young

Oh my dear Mae Young, do you remember the day that we first met?

Since then you’ve changed your favorite food, now it’s sexual chocolate.

We loved each other a lot back then, now it’s been lessened, like through a funnel,

It may have been due to the fact we lost our only child to the dreaded carpel tunnel.

Of all the wrestlers to have a baby with, I’m glad I was the one you picked,

Even today, if anyone bothers you, somebody’s gunna get they ass kicked.

I hope one day, we can get back together, and it will be just you and me,

'Til then I’ll just follow you on Facebook....HOLY SHIT...YOU WERE BORN IN 1923?!?!


HHH to Stephanie McMahon

Apparently “Hunter” was the perfect gimmick for me,

Because to get what I was hunting, all I had to do was get on one knee.

To think, one day I will be in charge, I will own the entire company,

And I didn’t have to pay anything for it, not even the smallest little fee.

The largest wrestling company in the world, and I will hold the key,

Oh shit, I forgot, this was supposed to be about you and, instead, I made it about me.


Zack to Eve

(Written on Sunday Night)

WOO WOO WOO!!! Happy Valentine's Day to my sweet little Eve,

We should do a show together, called Long Island Iced WE!

My neck brace and my back brace can’t even get my love to quit,

Come sit on my lap, don’t worry about the wheelchair, our love will push it.


(Added after Monday Night)

Well, one plus one equaled two, but now we are subtracting,

I thought you only had one flaw, I’m talking about your acting.

I should have known, what was I thinking, trying to date a Diva,

You girls are nothing but a bunch of whores, Exhibit A is Melina.

Next time I see you, don’t be surprised if I just happened to spit,

'Cause you can kiss my Long Island tanned ass. WOO WOO WOO, you know it!


Bryan to AJ

AJ, you are amazing and I hope that, for you, I am the only one,

unless of course you only cheat on me with Bryan Danielson.

The moment I saw you, I knew one day it would be my heart you would be snaggin',

And I hoped I would have the chance to show you my American Dragon.

You told me you loved me, and now you wait for the day,

For the moment that you’d hear those three words I would say.

So on Valentine's, in this poem, it may be long overdue,

But I’m finally gunna say it...AJ…I appreciate you!


Rhodes to Himself

(Read out loud to understand)

You’re too good looking for wordth, everyday it becomth clearer,

And that’th the way you are naturally, there are no thmoke and mirrorth.

You are a handthome printh, but in thith thtory, no one had to kith a toad,

It’th a wonder how you became tho good-looking when your dad is Duthty Rhodeth.

My thaddetht thought ith that there ith no way to give you a kith,

Oh well, I’m thtill thpethial, I’m the only guy who typth with a lithp.


You’re too good-looking for words, everyday it becomes clearer,

And that’s the way you are naturally, there are no smoke and mirrors.

You are a handsome prince, but in this story, no one had to kiss a toad,

It’s a wonder how you became so good-looking when your dad is Dusty Rhodes.

My saddest thought is that there is no way to give you a kiss,

Oh well, I’m still special, I’m the only guy who types with a lisp.



So Happy (Belated) Valentine's Day, although it's already past,

I hope while reading this article, you all had a blast.

So tell all your friends about Podswoggle.com…and, until next time,

I wish I could stop this shit, but my brain mode is stuck on rhyme.

Augie Artiles

Augie Artiles

Been Watching Since: 2000-2002, 2009-present

Favorite Wrestler, currently: Sami Zayn

Favorite Wrestler of All Time: The Rock

Least Favorite Wrestler, currently: Jack Swagger

                                       Least Favorite Wrestler of All Time: Kane

                                       Guilty Pleasure: Enzo Amore

                                       Catchphrase: "I'll TAKE IT!"

Recently Debuted


Out of all of the legit bad asses and wackos in wrestling history, who do you trust the most with a kitty?

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