“I don’t think I’m going to make it to Disneyland.” -Mick Foley in “Foley is Good.”
At this point in Podswoggle.com history, I am assuming you know the drill.
After a weekend of fun at Walt Disney World, my brain starting churning once again and I had to take another stab at my personal favorite series on the website, “If Wrestlers Were…”
Instead of tackling the entire lexicon of Disney characters, I looked at the wonderful films of Pixar. Each film/series will have four comparisons.
Let’s go to infinity and beyond!
(Note: This article is going to challenge Sara Solano’s Harry Potter article for length, hence the abbreviated intro. I’m not trying to break a record here. )
The Undertaker is Woody
On the surface, you might feel the need to immediately close this article. The baddest, most ominous figure in wrestling history…deemed equal to a raggedy cowboy doll? Look further and you will see I am right on the money here.
Both are the oldest toy around, but still adored by those that matter.
Both are the unofficial leader of their respective gang. You go to ‘Taker and Woody for advice, guidance and leadership, no doubt about it.
Both have a streak of defying the odds and winning when all looks lost.
And, yes, both have a fricking cowboy hat.
If that doesn’t sway you, then I don’t know what will.
(Bonus comparison: Kane is Sid from Toy Story 1. Bad upbringing. Takes both heroes to the limit. Ultimately undone and embarrassed.)
Santino Marella is Hamm
There are a lot of Toy Story characters that provide big laughs, but comic relief is Hamm’s sole purpose. Potato Head can be antagonistic at times. Rex can elicit some emotions. Hamm…it’s in his fucking name! He’s a HAMM! Sometimes those laughs work and you are glad that he is around. Other times, the one-liners come and go without a chuckle.
Doesn’t that sound like a certain Italian stereotype that might of gotten slapped by Jim Cornette some odd years ago?
Also, word on the street is Santino will hold your spare change in his belly for you.
Mark Henry is Lots-O’ Huggin’ Bear
Erase the fact that Lots-O’ is supposed to smell like strawberries from your mind.
You cannot tell me that Mark Henry hasn’t had a past that was undoubtedly fun (pretending to be a sex addict, all of those hijinx during the Raw Guest Host period), but ultimately was clouded with sadness, abandonment and a feeling of anger because of being screwed around with. Lots-O’ is one giant pink bear with a chip on his shoulder and Mark Henry finally had his Lots-O’ moment in 2011.
I can’t lie, either. I want to hug the shit out of Mark Henry, no matter how evil he may be.
The Rock is Buzz Lightyear
Rock and Buzz are both the coolest thing since sliced bread in each of their worlds. All you want to do is have them around forever because they are so awesome, flashy, electrifying and heroic.
In each of their hearts, however, they have some insecurities about who they truly are. Buzz finally comes to terms with being a toy and not a space ranger. The Rock, after seven years of trying to let it go, finally came to terms with the fact that he is a wrestler.
When they both fulfill their actual roles, everybody is entertained on a much grander scale. When Buzz is being a space ranger dolt and The Rock is fighting dinosaurs with Luis Guzman, we generally care a whole hell of a lot less.
A Bug’s Life
Daniel Bryan is Flik
Innovator. Inspiration. Environmentally conscious.
Nailed it again.
Vince Russo is Hopper
Everything that Daniel Bryan isn’t can pretty much be found inside the soul of Vince Russo. Hopper is the antithesis of Flik. Plus, Russo can’t help but keep down all of those insects he deems insignificant down (take your pick of anybody Russo held down over the years). Both Hopper and Russo are gross to look at, irritatingly evil and voiced by Kevin Spacey.
My apologies to Kevin Spacey. I just needed a joke for that last sentence.
Brodus Clay is Heimlich
Two fat, colorful, lovable entities. Heimlich and Brodus each have their own unique way of speaking that delights the audience to the nth degree. They both can bust a mean move. Also, Heimlich eventually bloomed into a beautiful butterfly and I think we are watching Brodus bloom in his own beautiful way.
Sure, he still could have been a monster heel. But…screw it. Let’s enjoy the ride.
Big Vito is Francis
The Big Show is Sulley
Perhaps the closest comparison of them all, all you really have to do is throw some blue fur and horns on Paul Wight and you have yourself the main character of Monsters, Inc. Both can be terrifying, but aren’t really suited for it.
If you need further clarification, just ask Randy Orton’s daughter at the 2012 Royal Rumble.
Randy Orton is Mike
Speaking of the Viper, I tried and tried to come up with something for him and this was the closest I got. Easily irritated monster could sum up Randy Orton pre-2010. Ultimately likeable monster can sum up Randy Orton ever since 2010.
Sadly, Billy Crystal isn’t as good of a mirror image of Orton as John Goodman is to Big Show, but I’m doing my best here.
Vickie Guerrero is Roz
If WWE can make fat jokes about Vickie Guerrero for years on end, I am allowed one, OK?
Haruka is Boo
Fine! I have never watched all of Monsters, Inc.! This was all I had. Plus, it gives me a reason to post this awesome video of a 9-year old girl outwrestling half of the FCW roster.
Zack Gowen is Nemo
Both crippled underdogs who were just plain lost. The reasons for their disappearance are also eerily similar. Both were disobedient to a certain extent (Nemo didn’t listen to his father, Gowen was admittedly a dickhead back then). That disobedience doesn’t really matter, however. Nemo was an adorable fish with an unfortunate impairment. Gowen beat cancer and still made it to the WWE on one freaking leg.
Kelly Kelly is Dory
Dumber than a bag of Pogs? Check!
The last person you would want to help find a missing child? Double check!
Rob Van Dam is Crush
Sometimes it just writes itself.
TNA Fans are the Seagulls
Shut up! Just shut up! We get it! You want it! Stop trying to be a part of what’s going on and serve your purpose! God! Stop flapping your mouth! Go away!
Shawn Michaels is Mr. Incredible
HBK and Mr. Incredible are both two superhumans who are capable of things in their perspective fields that seemed unimaginable. The further the deck is stacked, the more each man rises to the occasion and performs beyond natural capabilities.
Where this allusion really takes off is their seclusion. Both men were forced away from what they love and excel at for reasons beyond their control. Away, they struggled and fought to return to prominence. After a lot of hard work and finding themselves (and the importance of family), they take back their rightful place at the top and gave the world the protection/show they all love to see.
Puts a tear to your eye, doesn’t it?
The Miz is Syndrome
Two punk kids that claw at every nerve. Two brats that are told they cannot do what they want to do. Two evil loudmouths who achieve everything they dreamed of achieving and rubbing it in the faces of those that told them they were worthless.
And, now, with recent events backstage in WWE, two dorks in over their head who get their capes caught in the engine of a plane and meet their demise.
Kofi Kingston is Frozone
Bright, exciting and full of potential, Kofi and Frozone jump on the scene and immediately pull the audience in. Sadly, they never seem to reach that next level. With Kofi, it is either the mistakes of their partners or perceived holes in his game. For Frozone, it is a lack of opportunity to appear in the film more. Both talk really cool (pun intended), but cannot become the main event star despite the fact that they have all the tools to succeed in that role.
The X-Division is Dash
Slow down! You are too fast for your own good! We like you! We really do! It is just hard to take you seriously with that attitude and lack of psychology! Yes, I reused this gimmick! I think it works! I’m talking to myself! I am going crazy!
John Cena is Lightning McQueen
I am sure everybody was expecting Cena to pop up as Mr. Incredible. Alas, he fits more in the mold of the worst leading character in Pixar history (and yes, that is part of the comparison). Both started out cocky, brash and…cool. Ultimately, they learn their lesson and become goody-two-shoes.
In all honesty, Cena and McQueen are mirror images of one another. Each of them is too bright for their own good. Each is overrated and underrated, depending on who you talk to. Each is adored by children and sell tons of merchandise, but elicit groans from adults.
All Cena has to do is say “Ka-chow!” and this one is locked forever.
Jim Ross is Doc Hudson
Arguably the best in their respective fields, JR and Doc each suffered a tragic accident that impaired their destinies. After their misfortunes, they are still great, but real curmudgeons. It would be nice to see them smile, laugh and enjoy life more often because they are fantastic at what they do, but you don’t blame them for being sourpusses because of what they endured.
Nobody is smarter than them. Nobody is right more often than them. Nobody looks worse with facial hair than them.
Hornswoggle is Mater
Kids love them.
Adults hate them.
Muzzles should be on them.
Experts agree they need a bath.
Rob Van Dam is Fillmore
Congratulations to RVD for setting a record in the “If Wrestlers Were…” series! If we have an “If Wrestlers Were…” Disgusting Diseases article, Snitsky and Melina have an outside chance to break the record.
CM Punk is Remy
Looks can hold you down for only so long. Born to be great at one thing and one thing only, Punk and Remy buck tradition and the opinions of all the naysayers and become exquisite at their jobs…and are actually recognized for it.
Plus, Punk and Remy try their hardest to make everyone around them better. Sometimes it works. Sometimes it doesn’t. In the end, it doesn’t matter when you have the best in the world hard at work.
Colt Cabana is Emile
The funnier, heavier brother of Remy, Emile doesn’t have the same skills as Remy and instead just eats a lot. He is great at what does, though.
I would consider Colt Cabana a friend even though we have only spoken once, and I feel he would be honored by this comparison.
Vince McMahon is Anton Ego
The biggest critic in the world…who can literally make or break your entire life. A giant asshole on the surface, sometimes he can open up and show his sensitive side. I really have no other words. This one is too perfect. Just look at the picture!
Ted DiBiase is Linguini
Oh, you young whippersnappers…you are nothing like your father.
Sadly, there is no actual WALL-E. I think I found some worthy substitutes, though.
Kharma is EVE
Initially, we see both Kharma and EVE as emotionless badasses who are out for one purpose and one purpose only. However, as time passes, we see the human side inside each woman and find out that they do want more with their lives.
They each find something more important: love and family.
But don’t count them out because they will both follow through on their directive.
Triple H is Captain of the Axiom
Both the Axiom and WWE have been running for quite some time and things have gotten bloated, slower and dragging for some time now. So, what better way to right the ship than enlist the leadership of the most bloated, slowest and dragging person you can find?
That being said, both HHH and the Captain make the decisions that need to be made. The Axiom needed to return to Earth and FCW talent needs to wait to be called up. Both are curious about the future and seem like the right person to lead the way…even though we keep looking around to see if there is ANYBODY else.
Booker T is the cockroach
Too adorable for their own good, Booker T and the cockroach serve no real purpose. They could just go away. But, like a cockroach (and Booker T), they won’t go away! They will survive everything. And you know what? Everybody is fine with it because they are gross and awful not to have around.
Plus, a cockroach is Booker T’s ceiling at the commentator’s table.
The Anonymous Raw GM is AUTO
If this has to be explained, then I give up all hope for the comprehension of the world.
Ric Flair is Carl
Sad, alone and old, Ric and Carl can’t help but be loved no matter how ornery the codgers get. They mean well, but are too crazy for their own good. They refuse to be put away for good and do things way beyond their age…when they probably shouldn’t.
An added bonus: Both are extremely polite to small, pudgy Asian boys.
Hulk Hogan is Charles Muntz
Sad, old and bat shit crazy, Hulk and Charles can’t help but try and achieve the unachievable no matter how delusional the codgers get. They don’t mean well, but are too crazy for their own good. They refuse to be put away for good and do things way beyond their age…when they probably shouldn’t have done any of those things ever.
An added bonus: Both are assholes.
Eugene is Dug
Gosh darn it, how stupid but loveable can you get? Limited vocabularies, a lack of understanding basic situations and the support of an audience make one retard a dog and one dog a former Tag Team champion.
Lashley is Alpha
Big black animal with a silly voice? Sometimes it is just that easy.
And that will do it, folks. I don’t think I rambled too much, but I do think that as great as the world of wrestling and the world of Pixar both are, this one can be updated for quite some time.
Or sooner than you would think.