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Doomed and Confused

06 Feb

"Because it's etched in stone!" -The Master

Prior to my “Hacksaw” Jim Duggan article, Aug. 12, 2011, was the last time I was heard from on Podswoggle.com. Simply put, I was off in the Forbidden Forest doing research for my next article when I made the wrestling archeological find of the century.

As I was on a steady trail of Boogeyman tracks, I stopped for a granola break and I sat on a fallen tree. My backpack weighed me down and pulled me backwards. I found myself tumbling down a hill and anticipated my inevitable broken freakin’ neck. I then rolled through a cobweb covered opening in the side of a mountain, hit my head, and passed out.

When I came to, I struggled to lift my pained body to a vertical position, but when I was fully upright, I found myself face-to-face with a face that seemed to be cast in rock. It was a hideous sight, and I would have probably screamed louder if not for the hurt in my head already. This face looked familiar. I stepped back and noticed his whole body was encrusted into the stone wall. This man looked familiar. Luckily enough for me, there was a little plate held on a stand about four feet off the ground with a description on it, like in a museum. I didn’t need to read it to know that this was The Master. I had just discovered the mythical and long-forgotten Dungeon of Doom! Plunging my hand into my backpack, I snagged my flashlight and glanced around. There were exhibits all around this cave (that strangely enough looked like it was constructed on a soundstage)!

“My God…” slipped out of my mouth. There was no one around; why was I talking to myself? The Dungeon makes you do some bizarre things, man.

I turned my attention back to The Master and read:

TheMasterTheMasterNameplate

This was big. I never made myself out to be the Indiana Jones of wrestling, but it was clear I had just found the Crystal Skull of the squared circle! As bubbly as my guts were getting, it was my duty and responsibility to the readers of Podswoggle.com to investigate every single exhibit. And the next one… The Taskmaster.

TheTaskmasterNameplate

Oh, there’s media attached to this exhibit!

Watch below to see Kevin Sullivan run through the forest in his underwear:


(Author’s note on the previous video: If you’re in the ring or an arena, tights and trunks are tights and trunks. If you’re running through a forest, tights and trunks are underwear.)

Clearly, these are in chronological order. That would mean the next exhibit would be…

KamalaKamalaNameplate

Whoa, something smells fishy…

SharkSharkNameplate

Wow, this next one is hard to read. It really looks butchered.

TheZodiacTheZodiacNameplate

Oh yeah, that’s right! Jeez, and then The Booty Man happened.

Oh, WCW Saturday Night, you were always good for gems like the one in this exhibit:

TheGiantNameplate

Is it me or are these informational placards getting a little sarcastic?

MengMengNameplate

Not me at all. Who did they let write these things? Moving on… Oh my. Oh no. Oh God. It’s… It’s… It’s…

TheYetiNameplate

I turned around quickly to save myself the humping horror and I found myself gazing into what could only be described as a stone mirror. I looked down at the nameplate a possible connection in my wrestling family tree…

HughMorrisHughMorrisNameplate

Once 1996 came along, The Dungeon of Doom had fallen on hard times. The Master deserted them, The Shark swam away, their cave got foreclosed on, and they had to move to a bad part of town.

While The Dungeon itself was left dormant and no other creatures were bored within its walls, there were still nameplates in recognition of the warriors.

onemangangOneManGangNameplate

TheBarbarianTheBarbarianNameplate

One specimen that would have been a perfect gift from The Master would have been the man that stood at 6’11” and weighed 670 lbs… Loch Ness

Press here to see Loch’s debut and Hulk Hogan’s steel chair love taps:

LochNessNameplate

ZGangZGangstaNameplate

UltimateSolutionTheUltimateSolutionNameplate

MaxxMaxxNameplate

BigBubbaBigBubbaNameplate

Ok, there was a note that there is actually no picture on file for the next exhibit, so I took some artistic liberties.

BrauntheLeprechaunBraunTheLeprechaunNameplate

KonnanKonnanNameplate

jacquelineJacquelineNameplate

And so I reached the end of The Dungeon and saw a light at the end of the path. So many memories that had been erased from my brain just came flooding back in this one experience. Thank you, Dungeon of Doom.

But, what’s this? A gift shop? With perhaps the greatest gift The Dungeon of Doom could have bestowed upon us? Don’t worry, I brought back enough for everybody. Ladies and gentlemen, I give you…

DARK SIDE HOGAN.

It all started when The Taskmaster shaved Hogan’s iconic handlebars into a Hitler mustache.

He then shaved it all off and decided to try out the all black thing. Maybe a year too early.

This one’s kind of the same thing, but it’s just so damn weird to look at.

I’m not sure what he was insinuating with the “black gloves” thing here, but it made me hella uncomfortable.

Hogan wanted to play dress up? Either way, “Lookit me!!! I’ve gotta sword!!!”

Yeah, that was weird as shit. Now there are two swords! OHHHHHH YEAHHHHH!!!

And that’s the last of it. The Dungeon of Doom can finally be put to rest. Or should we take this as a lesson? Every 17 years, should we hop on the internet and see what once was the biggest program in the WCW before they became the biggest wrestling company in the world? Whatever anyone decides, you can count me out of it. I can see what happened to Hogan because it’s already started to happen to me. I’ve just spray painted a Phantom of the Opera mask all black and now I’m off to go look for a sword.


Rich Camillucci has a Ph.D from The University of Dudleyville’s Wrestling Archeological College. His illegitimate father is Bill DeMott. Follow Rich on Twitter @RichCami

Rich Camillucci

Rich Camillucci

Been Watching Since: 1989

Favorite Wrestler, currently: Johnny Gargano

Favorite Wrestler of All Time: Hulk Hogan

Least Favorite Wrestler, currently: Randy Orton

                                       Least Favorite Wrestler of All Time: Hulk Hogan

                                       Guilty Pleasure: Randy Orton on the Monday Night Wars

                                       Catchphrase: "Welcome to the Cami Family!"

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