"When you look around that locker room, I'm the only true challenge you've got left, Deadman." -Triple H
Triple H has been a wildly popular WWE wrestler for well over a decade now. But to the marks and know-it-all, Cheetos-stained fingertips of the internet elite (myself included), he’s always seemed a bit too overbearing. And I’m sure Triple H wakes up in the middle of the night in a cold sweat thinking about us.
“Stephanie, I can’t sleep,” he says in the gruff microphone voice that we wrongfully think is only used in the ring. “Oh Hunter- you know they are writing about you right now... online, right, honey?” She caresses his bicep, giving him a moment of relief. “Don’t worry about those pimple-faced, virgin geeks. They wish they had a Motorhead song about them. Let them buy CM Punk t-shirts...” “You don’t get it, Steph. I want to be loved and feared by EVERYONE.” “Hunter, what did I say about cutting promos in bed?” “I’m sorry Steph, I’m going to go for a jog.”
Perhaps on one of those late night jogs, Hunter will realize that there is a path to a North Korean dictator’s approval rating in the WWE. It isn’t his superhuman strength or his ability to book himself as Conan the Barbarian, both aspects of Triple H’s character that keep the last 5% of us willfully floating just outside his orbit. How he wins the love of the entire WWE Universe is simple- give up his date with The Undertaker at WrestleMania 28.
This was hinted at on the Raw following the Royal Rumble, but my Cheetos fingers can not be fooled. And as I suspected, he came out one week later and broke his silence on the issue regarding the Undertaker’s return. In typical Triple H lore, he put himself over as the only man to send the Undertaker out of WrestleMania on a stretcher. Ultimately, it’s all an angle to put over the great Triple H as a mastermind, smart enough to tap into the fact that the Undertaker is like the hottest girl in school. And with WrestleMania as the Prom of professional wrestling, the Deadman is used to being pursued. By playing hard to get, Hunter figures it could be the best way to get to home base and score that elusive victory against the Undertaker. The only problem is that they already went to the dance together last year- and it’s going to be hard to top Shawn Michaels’ back-to-back attempts to take down the streak.
So, instead of basking in the spotlight in what would be one of the most anticipated matches on a stacked card that is sure to draw record PPV numbers, why not try to win over the disenfranchised 5% instead... you know, The Pluto of the WWE Universe? Give up your match, and fully back the man who gets the match, cutting promos about how you fell short last year, but you’ve found just the person to finish the job you started last year.
IF NOT TRIPLE, THAN WHO?
Streak VS. Streak: The Undertaker VS. The Miz
Sure, jobbing the Miz out on Raw the night after the Royal Rumble and every Raw since has put a slight damper on this. But when the bright lights are on at WrestleMania, the Miz has never failed. All he has to do is bludgeon everyone in the Elimination Chamber and we will all have forgotten about his clean loss to Kofi Kingston on Raw. And wouldn’t it be fun to see the dark side of his character come out leading up to WrestleMania? I don’t doubt The Miz’s ability to put on a wonderful match with the Taker, even though we all know who’s streak would end here. Still, it would be a fun ride.
The Funkasaurus VS. The Undertaker in a Lumberjack Match
This is stupid even by my standards. But what if it were a Lumberjack Match, with the ring surrounded by headscratching victims of the Undertaker’s WrestleMania past, looking to extract revenge for being victimized by repeated showings of the Taker’s historic run? King Kong Bundy, A-Train, Sycho Sid, The Big Bossman and Giant Gonzales. I know the last two died- but pro wrestling always kills off characters on TV. Would it kill them to bring some of these guys back to life? Plus, Triple H brooding at ringside with a sledgehammer in his hands would be compelling. Not only that, The Four Horsemen are going to be in town, too, and I know Flair wishes he were the Man who beat the Deadman and ended the streak...
Which brings me to....
The Four Horsemen VS. The Undertaker in a Handicap Match
Ric Flair would not turn this down. He’d promise that this were his last last match, and he’d live up to his word to share the ring with Barry Windham, Tully Blanchard and Arn Anderson, knowing that deep in his heart Gunner would be fine over in TNA without his guidance. All kidding aside, one of my favorite WrestleMania moments was when Arn ran in and hit his signature Spine Buster on the Undertaker in a desperate bid to deliver one more big win for his general back at WrestleMania 18. It was the only time I thought, “Oh shit- Flair is going to do it!” And that is the reason why Flair deserves another shot. Plus a four-on-one scenario would put the Undertaker’s streak in jeopardy, even though we know the Taker would isolate Tully and end matters within 2 minutes.
The Rock VS. The Undertaker
When the Rock asked John Cena to the Prom last year, it seemed like a great idea. But are the people you like better when they are not in a relationship. What was supposed to be a Dream Match has turned into a nightmare of clusterfuck proportions. To witness grown men arguing over what the other wrote on Twitter has infantilized two of pro wrestling’s towering giants. It’s an abusive relationship, and that’s why they each need a new Prom date for the big dance in Miami. With John Cena going hot and heavy with the Undertaker’s brother, the swap makes perfect sense. And of all the scenarios out there, who wouldn’t believe in The Rock as a viable opponent- in his hometown- against the Undertaker? Not only that, this match is bumbleproof, thanks to the Undertaker’s reluctance to embrace social media. Though I’m not entirely convinced that the Rock wouldn’t cheese it up and call him out in the ring for not Tweeting.
And that’s why, ultimately, I’d vote for The Funkasaurus over The Rock.
I’d like to thank Triple H in advance for taking my words into consideration. Sleep well, Cerebral Assassin.
Black Scorpion History Month on Podswoggle.com
In an attempt to get banned from Podswoggle after two articles, I am hereby declaring this month to be recognized as Black Scorpion History Month. This is not an attempt to besmirch Black History Month. It’s just an opportunity to piggyback on the visibility of it to make sure wrestling fans do not forget the spectacle that was WCW World Champion Sting’s anonymous stalker.
Let’s let the late, great Gordon Solie take us down memory lane:
I lived through this soap opera in real time. And I’ll admit, I was intrigued about the true identity of the Black Scorpion, whose hatred of Sting was only matched by his hatred of wrestling fans who wore stone-washed jeans. (Seriously, watch the damn YouTube video.) Even though Ric Flair was my favorite wrestler- and the big reveal behind the antics of the Black Scorpion- I knew he couldn’t have been the original plan for the Black Scorpion, who made one fan disappear and turned another into a tiger. (Watch it.) As a teenager, even I understood that the only thing that Ric Flair could make disappear was his Lil’ Naitch into the... well, you know, he was a lady’s man.
In my opinion The Black Scorpion mystery was never truly unraveled. And until we get more answers we should make February the month that we share stories about our own theories about this great athlete.
If you read my Podswoggle.com debut two weeks ago, you may be wondering which wrestlers I randomly drew in my Royal Rumble game. Well, it was a bust for me in 2012. I drew an announcer, a ringside commentator and a woman. Yup, Ricardo Rodriguez, Jerry Lawler and Kharma. And I didn’t even get a point for Cole’s elimination, because Kharma didn’t touch him when he jumped off the ring apron to eliminate himself. Fortunately, my family didn’t have a humiliation rule in effect this year.