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Rumble Hopes and Dreams

27 Jan

deckermainGreetings Podswoggle Universe!

My name is Shawn, and I'm a long-suffering, mid-30s fan of the WWE. One of the things that keeps me coming back for more punishment is the glorious spectacle and emotional payoff that is the Royal Rumble. I'll get to what I'd like to see in this year's match, but before I do so I want to share a game that I created to make the Rumble even more fun to watch. Ready to Rumble? Well then let's get started!


WHAT YOU NEED:
Friends, an ability to count, a deck of cards and enough money to cover the cost of the pay-per-view. Pens and paper help as well. Designating one person to keep track of it all has worked for my Game. My dad would get confused and totally mess it up (he still thinks Cody Rhodes is Goldust's kid) and my niece and brother would use nefarious means to add to their point totals.


HOW TO PLAY:
Get 10 cards from a playing deck (A=1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10). Shuffle. Each person draws a card randomly. The number represents who their wrestler is, with the number on the card representing the entry of the wrestler. For example, an Ace means your guy is the first entrant and so on. Once everyone gets a number, the cards are reshuffled and everyone draws again, this time for Royal Rumble entrants 11-20. The process if repeated again for entrants 21-30. After three drawings of cards, each person should have three wrestlers in their stable.


TRADING:You can trade numbers with other players before the Rumble begins, if both parties agree of course.


IS THIS FUN?
Yes! Imagine how much fun it will be to laugh at your hopeful friend, wide-eyed at the countdown only to find out that his hopes rest on the unreliable shoulders of JTG?


HOW TO WIN:
Be the player whose stable earns the most collective points. You can play for pride, or you can all ante up items of great emotional significance, such as an antique watch handed down by a dearly departed relative. Or you could have the person with the lowest score at the end of the Rumble take a jog around the block in their underwear, yelling, "Rise Above Hate!" Anything that gets the competitive juices flowing will work.


THE POINTS SYSTEM:

1 PT:
Lasting One Round: Let's say your guy enters at 4... if he's still there when 5 comes out, then that's 1 point. If he's still there when 6 comes out, that's one more point. You get it. Jobbers have been known to rack up a lot of points before being easily dispatched by a monster like the Big Show or Kane. It's key to really rub it in if someone's wrestler fails to last One Round. Also, it is your obligation to the game to emotionally cripple your friend if this happens to them, thus building momentum for yourself.

Eliminating An Opponent: If your wrestler even assists in an elimination, that's 1 point. I'd say Sheamus is going to clean out the most jobbers this year- so good luck in getting the Great White as one of your draws.

10 PTs:
If your wrestler wins the Rumble! This makes it possible for anyone to come back at the end and win on points, based on the luck of the draw. Unless you get saddled with Jinder Mahal and Trent Barreta. If that happens, then not even a Randy Orton RKO-fest could dig you out of that kind of a turd-luck deficit...

(If humiliation is involved in your Royal Rumble Game, please share pictures with @shawndecker and @podswoggle on Twitter!)


My Dreams & Hopes for the Royal Rumble Match

SCENARIO ONE: I'm a big fan of Chris Jericho's return to the ring. I'd love to see him cap off his recent performances by drawing #1 at the Rumble, glad-handing fans as #2 walks to the ring and climbs through the ropes. Think Ted DiBiase or someone along those lines. Countdown for #3 begins as Jericho continues to "Yeah, baby!" at ringside with the fans.

So, basically Jericho does this all night, stepping over eliminated wrestlers, occasionally snapping keepsake photos of the wrestler's disappointed face for thankful ringside fans. The only wrestler to chase him around the ring and try to throw him inside is the Funkasaurus. At the end of the match, the last two entrants are struggling along the ropes, when Chris reaches up and pulls them over, sending them crashing to the floor. Then and only then does he climb inside the ring- victorious!

But wait- the countdown begins... "We've already had 30 contestants... this match is over!" Cole shouts. Then Sin Cara's music begins. He hits the trampoline jump into the ring. He points at Jericho, and then up to a WrestleMania banner before exiting the ring, unaware that he's botched the whole thing. The show ends with the announcers saying that Jericho is headed to WrestleMania. The Spanish announce table is going nuts because they wrongfully think Sin Cara is headed to the main event at WrestleMania, too.


SCENARIO TWO: The Undertaker returns! Midway through the match, he and Kane lock eyes. In a tender moment of brotherly love, they are reunited. Triple H draws #20, the first sign of hope against the Brothers of Distraction... he gets on the ring apron, spews water, and is quickly dispatched to the ringside area. Shades of the Warlord. His reasoning for a WrestleMania rematch with Taker, "Because Shawn got two matches," is laughed off by even his wife after this showing. However, Trips is promised a clean non-title victory on a Monday Raw over the champion of his choosing for the early night's work.

Mick Foley enters the ring dressed as Santa at #21, in a desperate bid to bide time. He promises Kane that the biggest piece of coal is his bag somewhere, and keeps digging. Kane, transfixed by the promise, holds the Undertaker back every time he tries to advance on Foley. Santino hits the ring at #22, and he and Foley back into a corner together. Soon they are trading punches with their towering foes! Foley scrambles for the Santa bag, digs in once more, and reveals two Mr. Sockos and two Cobra gloves, which he pitches to Santino. Quickly, Santino puts on the gloves and hits the brothers with a double cobra. They hit the mat faster than Brodus Clay hits a buffet.

Foley awakens them with a double Mandible Claw, and when the brothers rise to their feet Santino finishes them off with a second double Cobra, sending the two flailing over the top rope and crashing onto the floor! The next 8 wrestlers hit the ring- none last for more than 30 seconds. At the end, Foley and Santino embrace, shake hands and then simultaneously drop to the floor holding hands. They point to the WrestleMania banner and challenge the Tag Team Champions... a first in the history of the Royal Rumble!


SCENARIO THREE: Just add the end of Scenario One to the end of Scenario Two... Jericho enters the ring and dumps Foley and Santino from behind. Sin Cara hits the trampoline into the ring, points at Chris and then leaves to little or no fanfare.

Shawn Decker

Shawn Decker

Been Watching Since: 1985

Favorite Wrestler, currently: Dolph Ziggler

Favorite Wrestler of All Time: Ric Flair

Least Favorite Wrestler, currently: Tensai

                                      Least Favorite Wrestler of All Time: Col. Mustafa  

                                      Guilty Pleasure: Brodus Clay's back-up dancer, the one on the right.

                                      Catchphrase: "I got my mind on my mocha and my mocha on my mind."

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