“If I live to be 100, I will never understand why they keep so many damn weapons under the ring." -Jim Ross
It's easy to be a cynical Internet wrestling fan. "They never push the right guys", "championships mean absolutely nothing", "in-ring promos are too long", "Divas don't get enough time", "Divas get too much time", "what the fuck is a Camacho?" Back in the day when fans thought professional wrestling was a legit sport, wrestling had to present itself as realistic as possible. It was when wrestling started to become less of a sport and more of a show that the kayfabe line became visible.
As the positive man I am, I tend to take the plotholes of professional wrestling and try to find the joy in the little things. For me, there's nothing more fun in wrestling than living within kayfabe and realizing how fucking crazy wrestling logic is. This is my ode to the minutia of professional wrestling. These are the things that only absolute wrestling geeks, freaks and morons jokingly argue about. I'd like to declare at this time that I, Tope Adebanjo, love the little things in wrestling.
Warning: The following is written to satire wrestling kayfabe. As in, jokes. For a moment, let's all step into that WWE Universe they're always talking about. So, if at any point you say to yourself "Doesn't this guy know wrestling is fake/pre-planned/not real?", please click here. Thank you.
I love when completely random wrestlers are talking to each other backstage. I remember watching a backstage brawl once and all of a sudden I see in the background Kelly Kelly talking with Shad Gaspard. Forget about backstage brawls, it's all about awkward diva/superstar conversation pairings. Honestly, what the hell could Kelly Kelly and Shad Gaspard ever talk about? The only thing those two have in common are they're human beings born on this earth from a mother on some date. And in full disclosure, I think half of that previous statement is false.
I love that a good amount of wrestling shows start without a main event. Usually the first 20 minute promo formula goes as follows:
Music Hits. Wrestler A starts talking smack.
Music Hits. Wrestler B starts talking junk.
Wrestler A doesn't like Wrestler B's junk
Wrestler B doesn't like Wrestler A's smack
They get ready to fight. General Manager comes out and makes match the Main Event. Music Hits. Cut to shitty WWE K-Mart commercial
My question is what was the main event before those two wrestlers got in each other's face? Let's say Wrestler A and Wrestler B had a heart-to-heart talk backstage and didn't air their dirty laundry in front of millions of people? What would Teddy Long do if four wrestlers didn't come out every week so he could make his tag team matches, playa? My theory is the main event of every Raw and Smackdown is a Divas' match before it gets bumped for these impromptu main events. Poor Divas Beth, Natalya and Kharma.
I love Heel Main Event Stars having their own private dressing room. What better way to put someone over as both important and a douchebag then to give them their own private dressing room. From Triple H and Stephanie to Vince McMahon to even Stone Cold Steve Austin, the Heel Private Dressing room was a staple of the Attitude Era. But my absolute favorite thing about the private dressing room: The Veggie Platter! I was a mark for the Veggie Platter and it always seemed that no matter the dressing room, Triple H always seemed to have one.
It was a sad day when the Veggie Platter Era died in pro wrestling.
I love that the Royal Rumble winner goes to the main event of Wrestlemania. As much as I love the Royal Rumble (and battle royals in general) why does throwing a bunch of people over a top rope warrant you a world title shot at Wrestlemania? Why can't other things in sports follow this clause? Blake Griffin wins the Slam Dunk contest? Put the Clippers in the NBA Finals! Albert Pujols wins the home run derby? Put the Angels in the World Series! Do a bunch of crack? Become a wrestling booker!
I love the guys who put the weapons under wrestling rings. In all honesty, I just want to spend a Saturday at Home Depot with these guys and see what runs through their brains.
"Trash cans? Check. Baseball Bat? Check. Bowling Pin. Check."
"Hey Gang! I found a VHS copy of Speed 2: Cruise Control!"
"No way! Put it in the cart!"
I love that wrestlers don't watch or study wrestling film. No matter how many times I've heard announcers try to put over how much a wrestler 'prepares' for a match, they must not prepare that hard. How many times do you have to see a Rey Mysterio match and know DON'T LAY ON THE SECOND ROPE! How many times do you have to see Cena wrestle to know DON'T THROW A PUNCH AFTER TWO SHOULDER BLOCKS. And for the love of Weed, DON'T CATCH THE CHAIR!
I love that wrestlers sometimes need their music to play before they go save a friend from getting beat up. Thanks to WWE, I now take a boombox anywhere I go and just hope someone is getting their ass kicked so I can make the dramatic run-in (ignore the fact that my boombox is playing Written In The Stars). I've always wondered what the hell takes these guys so long to save their friends. Then it hit me.
Here's what I picture John Cena was doing before his run-in during this Umaga/Maria Match in early 2007 (via Live Running Diary)
0:00 - 3:33: John Cena is backstage in the locker room enjoying a Roasted Pepper Chicken Sandwich on white bread (obviously).
3:33: A stagehand sprints into the lockerroom and yells "Mr. Cena! Mr. Cena! It's Umaga. And he's got Maria!"
3:50: Cena sprints out the door and through the backstage, running as fast as he can.
4:05: Robbie McAllister tries to talk to Cena but Cena pushes him out of the way into a pile of trash.
4:20: Without stopping, John Cena runs past the sound guy and yells "Play my FUCKING music."
4:22 - The End Of His WWE Career: Super Cena Saves The Day!
It's things like this that put a smile on my face for no reason at all. The Lesson: Find something you love about wrestling and hold onto it until you realize you are too old to watch. Or until you have kids and you use them as your excuse to keep watching.