We are gathered here today to celebrate the engagement of Podswoggle founder Chris Mullet and the lovely Samantha Kanal, soon to be Samantha Mullet.
Oh yes, they will be “The Mullets.” Let that sizzle for a minute.
Within seconds of hearing the great news, I was over the formalities. You see, Mullet and I have been friends for a solid decade, and we have never been one for formalities. We do not say “Hello” when we answer the phone. We say “I’m gonna eat you.”
How could I make that up? And why would I?
That being said, I immediately took it upon myself to book their wedding. Not to “book it” in the traditional sense of bouquets and cheese trays. Rather to “book it” like a WWE-style televised wedding. Deep down, this is what Mullet actually wants. And Samantha, well…
Your uterus now belongs to the biggest wrestling nerd in the history of the world. Deep down, I’m pretty sure you’re okay with this.
So, in the long, illustrious tradition of the pro wrestling weddings that came before it, I present to you:
The Mullet/Kanal Wedding: Something Borrowed, Something Bruised
Lights up, and we’re in the chapel. Pyro. The rows are overflowing with friends and family. The flower girl walks down the aisle, handing out nacho trays and commemorative programs. The ring bearer uses a t-shirt gun to launch grains of rice into the audience.
Enter the groomsmen, drunk off their collective asses. They are holding big poster boards with stuff like “Till Death!” and “GO GATORS” written on them in permanent marker. One of them yells “Woo!” and this leads to several of them yelling “Woo!” in response. If you’ve ever been to a wrestling event, you know this is entry level stuff.
The crowd is pumped. Lights down. Cue shitty generic 80’s theme song. Enter Chris Mullet.
Mullet walks to the ring, er, alter with a lit cigarette in hand. The clergy asks him to put it out. He flicks it in their face and laughs. Lights another cigarette. Finally reaches the alter, scratches his nuts and burps. He grabs a house microphone and insults a local sports team. The crowd boos.
“Let’s get this show on the road!” he shouts with a certain menace.
Lights down again. Sparklers pour down from the ceiling. Cue shitty generic Divas theme song. Enter Samantha Kanal.
She looks beautiful, but tepid. After slowly walking halfway up the aisle, she pauses and reconsiders. Begins to turn around.
Out yells Mullet from the stage, “Don’t you walk away from me! You do remember our deal, don’t you?”
Nobody in the crowd knows exactly what he’s talking about. Samantha does, on the other hand, and a scared look takes over her face. She once again begins towards the stage.
Rich Camillucci yells another “Woo!” from behind Mullet. A few random attendees yell “Woo!” back. Someone throws a half empty cup of beer.
Samantha finally reaches the alter, while Mullet snickers maniacally. “I knew you’d see it my way…” he says to her. He grabs her hands with vice-like intensity.
The priest begins his spiel, and after only a few lines the lights go down once again. Mullet turns pale, while Samantha’s face explodes with excitement.
Cue awesome, totally original and not generic theme song. Explosions. Enter Andrew Zangre, busting through a stained glass window while wearing a jetpack. He throws some money on the audience, and then lands just a few feet from the alter. A few more explosions. The audience goes ballistic.
Once the crowd noise dies down, Zangre grabs a microphone from the stage and uses it to knock out the priest.
“Forgive me, Father. But I couldn’t hold my peace.”
Crowd goes nuts. Again.
“Listen, Mullet. I know your kind. You think you’re the ape’s grapes, don’t you? Walking around with your goatee and your backwards hat like you own the world. I’ve…”
Steel chair to the back of Zangre’s head. He falls to the ground like a sack of potatoes.
It was Noreen, Mullet’s mother. In full heel mode.
She hits a fallen Zangre a few more times with the steel chair, then tosses it into the audience, knocking the flower girl’s teeth out.
Noreen and Mullet embrace center stage, both with a villainous smile on their face, before turning their attention back to Samantha.
Samantha screams bloody murder. Meanwhile, the flower girl is basically knocked unconscious from that flying chair shot, and Zangre is a bloody mess in the middle of the aisle. The crowd is stunned.
A new priest enters the room and runs towards the alter. “COME ON!!!” beckons Mullet, holding onto Samantha as she struggles to get free.
The new priest picks up the downed priest’s Bible and continues where he left off.
“By the power invested in me, I declare you -- ”
Samantha nearly loses her voice. The priest stops, the crowd goes silent.
“It’s Zangre’s baby!”
Suddenly, Zangre leaps up and grabs the Bible from the priest. He uses it to lay out the wedding party as they rush him from the sidelines. This leaves Mullet, Noreen, and Sam. The priest runs back through the entrance and down the street, and does not stop running.
“So, it’s come to this,” chides Mullet.
“You never sent me an invitation,” jokes Zangre. Always with the jokes.
The bell rings from the clock tower. *DING DING DING*
The two go at it. With the packed crowd hooting and hollering, Noreen and Samantha watching with baited breath, and the flower girl still not showing any signs of being alive, Mullet and Zangre brawl up and down the aisle.
After an epic five hours of fisticuffs, most of the crowd had left. Noreen and Sam had made peace around hour number two, and were now playing Uno in the reception hall.
Finally, the two old friends collapsed on top of each other in a sort of disgusting human pretzel. Both of their shoulders were down. The flower girl, long considered to be dead, opens her eyes and crawls towards the aisle. With her last ounce of energy, she lifts her right hand to make the count.
It was a draw.
The two lay there, motionless and weary.
Noreen and Samantha reenter the chapel, baby in hand. Samantha had actually given birth sometime during the fight. She left the baby comfortably wrapped in a blanket atop the mutilated bodies, with a note attached. She and Noreen then left the scene, never to return again.
When Mullet and Zangre came to the next day, they discovered the baby and the note.
You guys deserve each other. Have a nice life.
PS: Here’s a baby.
There it is.
If even half of this turns out to be true, then Mullet and Samantha are destined for the coolest wedding of all time. Even though it ends up being a huge disaster, does a lot more harm than good, and they don’t actually end up together.
But hey, that’s just how wrestling weddings work.
Congratulations, you guys.
Oh, and don’t bother sending me an invitation. I have my ways of getting in.