“You say you want a revolution…” -The Beatles
Since 2004, I have been working hard at building an extensive wrestling DVD library. While I have a plethora of ROH DVDs and even a few TNA ones (moments of weakness, undoubtedly), WWE naturally makes up the majority of my collection.
Normally, I only purchase the best pay-per-views, the most interesting or worthwhile compilations/documentaries or collections that simply have awesome matches I don’t have yet. However, I impeded my normal process in evaluating my purchases at FYE.
I was picking up some WWE DVD that I don’t recall off of the top of my head in 2009 and I noticed, above the normal wrestling section, a few DVDs on a rack hanging on the wall. There were some UFC DVDs and other random sports dreck, but there was also a copy of WWE New Year’s Revolution 2007 sitting there.
The price tag read “$0.01.”
I surely thought it was an error, so I took it to the front and asked an employee what the deal was. They informed me that, with any other WWE DVD purchase, you could buy New Year’s Revolution for a penny.
Naturally, a DVD for a penny is an offer a connoisseur like me couldn’t resist.
New Year’s Revolution has sat on my DVD tower for over two years and, finally, I decided to pop it into the 360 for an old-fashioned retro diary to ring in the year of 2012.
Like all of the other shows I have done a retro diary for, I figured that a show bought for a penny would be just as bad as the other ones.
So, let’s take a journey to 2007 when the WWE was…probably not that different.
0:30- No fancy introduction videos for this crap fest. We just see a running dragon and pyro go off as the PPV goes live in Kansas City in the Kemper Arena. The fact that WWE still runs shows in the building Owen Hart died in makes me a little queasy from the get go.
1:14- A steel cage is lowered. For a steel cage, it sure does have boring theme song.
1:45- NOW WE GET AN INTRO VIDEO. This is way before PG-era WWE because we’ve already seen HBK and HHH bleeding.
2:36- UUUUUUUUUUUUUMAGA!!!! I might do that every time Armando does.
3:25- The cage has finished descending. Lillian Garcia is on ring announcing duties, so botches are sure to follow.
3:50-The carpet handlers for Johnny Nitro’s entrance totally botch it. Nitro has a fur coat with tacky LED messages scrolling on it. Man, Melina…what can you say about her that every other person in the world that knows what a whore is hasn’t already said.
5:11- Jeff Hardy enters to a great pop and proceeds to do his convulsion bullshit.
6:32- It’s great to hear JR and King on commentary and not anticipate Cole’s awfulness…or even Coach obviously getting ripped a new one by Vince over the headset.
7:16- Melina is dressed like a 15-year-old girl who just figured out that she has developed and wants to show off her body as slutty as possible.
7:46- There have already been two big Hardy chants. That sure beats three overweight girls screaming for you in Orlando, doesn’t it, Jethro? What a dunce.
8:38- Jeff hits that cool turnbuckle seated dropkick…and I’m immediately distracted by Melina’s OBNOXIOUSLY CUNTY SCREAM.
9:26- This match has been like a Jean-Claude Van Damme film so far: lots of big, exciting action with no psychology.
10:43- Everyone always complains about the slow ladder climb. I personally hate the slow cage match crawl to the door.
11:22- SHUT THE FUCK UP, MELINA!!! If anything, give her credit that she screams so loudly, it can elicit pure hatred from the crowd.
12:53- Neat spot where Jeff teases Whisper in the Wind, but instead goes immediately for the escape over the top. That might have been the last time Jeff used his brain.
14:24- Top rope Side Russian Leg Sweep. Can’t say I’ve typed that before. Also, someone tell Jeff that wrestling doesn’t play by flag football rules so he can take that eyesore of a towel out of his back pocket.
15:34- Top rope Sunset Flip Powerbomb. Okay, this match is pretty good. I will stop making fun of Jeff’s horrible habits or Morrison being a pussy. I won’t stop making fun of Melina’s everything.
16:42- Another unique spot: Nitro’s feet get caught in the top of the cage and he is hung upside down. This is followed by Melina whipping Hardy with a belt through the cage. The replay reinforces the fact that it looked like shit and never even touched Jeff.
18:17- JR labels Melina as a material girl. In Oklahoma, penis is a material.
18:50- Swanton. Hunico, watch this match. That’s how you do it without messing it up.
20:15- The required “both men trying to climb out, heel is halfway out, pulled back by hair” spot. Nitro counters a Twist of Fate from the top and we get roughly the 23rd Hardy chant. YOU FOOL!
21:15- Nitro climbs over while Hardy’s attempt to crawl out of the door is stopped by Melina. Nitro crawls over from the top of the cage, but Hardy kicks the door, causing Nitro to land crotch first on the top of the door (THAT’S WHERE HIS BALLS WENT!) and Hardy escapes to retain the IC Title. Good match.
22:59- One of the last images from this match: Nitro holding his crotch, on his knees, crying as Melina tells him that everything is going to be okay. I just got a dirty shiver.
23:35- Todd Grisham interviews Rated RKO in the back. Edge cuts a very good promo about why they are trying to take DX out. Randy Orton cuts his usual, forced 2007 promo where he doesn’t really say anything.
25:05- Edge says they are going to put a painful and definitive end to DX. Foreshadowing…
25:34- Oh my god…a tag team turmoil match! Lillian doesn’t botch the rules, but the crowd still doesn’t care. The Highlanders enter and their weight is announced in stones. That always confused me. That being said, I dug the Highlanders despite their lack of in-ring talent.
26:23- The World’s Greatest Tag Team enters and it’s sad that Shelton Benjamin got dicked around so much and Charlie Haas thinks wearing a bandana is charisma.
27:40- Robbie tags Rory by slapping him in the face. Whatever works, I guess.
28:21- JR breaking down the collegiate careers of WGTT makes him sound like a poor man’s Mel Kiper.
29:53- JR and King are talking about Marty Elias, the ref, more than the match.
31:00- Hot tag to Robbie who Polish Hammers, Bodyslams and Dropkicks to his heart’s content. He actually gets a good response from the crowd
31:51- Shelton catches Robbie with an awesome springboard superplex and that eliminates The Highlanders. We hear a giant HOOOOOOO and Hacksaw Jim Duggan and Super Crazy are the next team.
32:41- Yes, it took me 50 seconds to realize that SUPER CRAZY AND JIM DUGGAN ARE THE NEXT TEAM. WWE’S 2007 TAG DIVISION! If anything, there is a Super Crazy chant.
34:10- Super Crazy gets a hot tag and goes nuts, but it leads to a sneak attack from Shelton and a Haas German Suplex, eliminating the Odd Couple. Lance Cade and Trevor Murdoch storm to the ring.
35:33- Lance Cade is wearing white Wranglers. I will not speak ill of the dead.
36:10- I was about to make fun of the decision to put two heel teams in the ring together, but Murdoch gives a big kick to Shelton and the crowd responds. I always liked Trevor Murdoch. Jethro Holliday, not so much. Yes, I’ve said Jethro twice in this diary.
37:41- Man, Cade and Murdoch were great together. It’s too bad JR and King can only make “Trevor Murdoch is so ugly” jokes.
38:40- God bless Charlie Haas. He tries and tries and tries and it’s sheer empathy. The action breaks down, the ref is out of position for the third time in one match and Cade breaks up a Haas of Pain to let Trevor get the pin.
39:30- YO YO YO YO. Cryme Tyme enters and I almost do a spit take in a room by myself when I realize JTG has been in the company for over 5 years.
40:37- That being said, Cryme Tyme was over and deserved a Tag Title run. King informs us these are our last two teams as Cade and Murdoch execute a sweet ass High Low. I’m marking out for Cade and Murdoch working stiff as shit.
43:51- Cryme Tyme was a sound team. JTG played the great sympathetic babyface and Shad was the green monster who eventually comes in and cleans house.
45:03- Classic tag team wrestling. Tease the hot tag, take it away and then give it to them right after.
45:59- Cryme Tyme gets the advantage and hit their cool ass finisher to win the match and get the guaranteed title shot. I enjoyed that a lot. It never felt too long, the crowd was into it enough and the action was solid. Two for two to start the show…what is going on here?
47:34- Vince McMahon with Coach backstage. Vince is talking trash about Donald Trump and Rosie’s feud. Exasperated sigh…I know what this is leading to. Vince books it…DONALD VS ROSIE the next night. I’m glad I’m not covering THIS.
49:16- Coach kisses Vince’s ass so hard with love for “You’re Fired” that Vince walks away disgusted and Ron Simmons comes in and DAMNs him…TO HELL!!! Just kidding.
50:30- Generic stock music must mean one thing: KENNY DYKSTRA! He enters with his own Nature Boy robe. He’s 20 years old here. Man, what a waste of youth.
51:46- We see a video breaking down Rated RKO’s vicious beatdown to Ric Flair from the previous Raw and Kenny makes fun of it without any glimpse of charisma or mic skills.
52:51- Here comes that light-skinned California Raisin in pink frills.
53:38- Someone needs to teach Kenny Dykstra how to wear a headband. Also, someone needs to go back in time and tell WWE Creative that changing one letter in a sport star’s name isn’t a good idea. Ain’t that right, BAM NEELY?
55:17- Kenny bores on offense until WHOOOOO!!!! I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: there’s nothing like a good Ric Flair chop.
56:37- Flair takes a suplex on the floor. Ric Flair has taken more stupid bumps than a car driving through the desert.
58:30- And the award for the worst Boston Crab in the history of wrestling goes to…KENNY DYKSTRA!
60:12- I want Ric Flair to chop me as hard as he can before I die. I just assume Ric Flair will outlive me.
61:25- Flair going to the top and HE DOES A 450 SPLASH! Just wanted to make sure you were paying attention: he gets caught, naturally, and thrown to the mat.
62:23- Flair chop blocks Kenny like he’s actually trying to injure him. Fine by me. It leads to the Figure Four in the center of the ring. The crowd goes nuts and Kenny isn’t tapping. He survives for a minute and then gets to the ropes. That’s a hell of a push for a newcomer.
64:19- Kenny low blows Flair behind the ref’s back and gets a small package for the win. Cheap or not, a decent win that was followed up with NOTHING. Kenny never wrestled a one-on-one PPV match ever again. Cornette Face.
65:20- Nitro is being iced down in the training room, showing those great promo skills we all know and love him for. Melina goes to call Joey Mercury and runs into Victoria, who has a list of Divas she’s taken out. She tries to convince Melina to join her, smells her hair, flirts with her and confuses Melina because she isn’t sure if Victoria is a girl or boy.
66:59- There is a recap of Victoria taking out all of the other Divas. The best part of this video: the lack of a dress code in these Divas matches. So many panty and cleavage shots. Those were the days.
68:32- She ain’t the lady to mess with…heel version. That, my friends, is brutal.
69:26- Oh, Mickie James…before she was called fat…or released and made a fan go nuts…or she thought she could sing country songs…or suffered from horrible TNA booking…or dated Magnus…or…
71:25- The Mickie James skirt: Future Hall of Famer?
74:34- I haven’t been saying a lot because this has actually been pretty good for a Diva’s match. Moonsaults, arm drags, athleticism. It’s all good here.
76:05- YAY! MELINA IS BACK! Mickie knocks her out, but Victoria goes for a Widows Peak, which is countered. Maria and Candice come out to help deal with Melina and Mickie finally gets her DDT for the win. Well, color me surprised: I had no urge to smoke during that match.
78:53- We launch into the promo for Rated RKO vs DX. Highlights include Ric Flair sending the Muta Scale off of the charts, so many Con-Chair-To’s I lost count and the reassurance that feuds just feel more important when there are not constrained by PG violence.
82:49- Here comes a merchandising ploy…I mean, DX.
84:29- Oh yeah, this is for the Tag Titles. How cute: Paul and Shawn were interested in them for a moment.
86:19-HHH and HBK do their pre-match ritual that nobody ever calls out as completely redundant. Let’s get ready to suck it…but if you’re not down with it…STILL suck it?
87:10- Dear lord, I always forget how awful the Rated RKO mash-up theme is. Give me 20 minutes and Audacity and I could do better. I’m not even going to include a link for the sake of you readers. In the time I typed all of that, DX has already jumped Rated RKO and the brawling begins.
89:15- Two minutes later, the bell rings and a semblance of a traditional tag match begins.
91:04- I’m pretty sure Orton just encouraged Edge from the apron by calling him “Adam.” Kayfabe, asshole! Kayfabe!
93:01- All the promise of pain and punishment from DX and HHH tries to pin Orton after a legdrop. That’s so vicious, it should be named Sid. Orton is now bleeding and HBK bites the wound. With Randy’s past, it’s a miracle HBK is still alive.
94:57- Edge and Orton get the advantage and start attacking HHH’s leg. Holding…holding…
97:13- Man, HBK’s elbow is pretty. That’s right: a grown man described a wrestling move as pretty.
97:53- After a HBK dive, HHH taunts on the top rope and the crowd pops, probably because they thought HHH was going to dive as well. Yeah, in your bra!
98:54- A belt shot to HBK busts him wide open. WWE 2007: when bleeding was a transitional move.
99:40- JR and King are obsessed with Marty Elias tonight. They keep mentioning him and making sure his name is dropped. Was it his birthday or something?
102:07- If JTG played the sympathetic babyface in trouble well, then HBK is the Messiah of it.
104:46- King can’t believe Edge managed to get a big boot to HBK’s face. Apparently, somebody put a hand in front of King’s face when Kane or Undertaker or even Test wrestled.
105:44- HOT tag to HHH who shows once again he can take two main eventers on by himself.
106:19- Spinebuster and…RELEASE! Another quad tear. (I may have started crossing my fingers when HHH did a spinebuster in 2008 and 2009 in the hopes he’d get injured.) The X sign gives it away, but HHH manages another spinebuster.
107:02- A half-hearted RKO because of HHH’s leg, but goddamn, he tried. Give HHH all the flak in the world; wrestling through a quad tear more than once is pretty impressive.
108:15- The worst Pedigree ever is followed by HBK saying, “fuck it, Paul is hurt. I’m going nuts.” HBK does a dive, knocks the ref out and gives two huge chairshots to Rated RKO. Orton is officially a fountain.
110:02- After a chair gangbang on The Duffel Bag Defacer and Lita Fucker, DX starts dismantling both tables.
111:07- HHH stupidly gives a full Pedigree to Edge on the table and HBK says “Yeah…time to top you again” and dives from the ring a la Shane McMahon onto Orton. That elbow was nowhere near as pretty, but it was effective.
112:31- DX’s music hits and we get slo-mo confirmation that HHH’s quads are made of glass and HBK is the shit.
114:52- After watching Rated RKO get treated at ringside like the stuck pigs they are, we get Todd “Pettengill-Lite” Grisham interviewing John Cena, who is camouflaged to the hilt. Cena does his schtick like a hype man, previewing the match with two actual funny moments (saying lightning will shoot out of his ass and doing an impression of Umaga that is very accurate).
117:31- Cena goes nuts at the end of his promo and there is not a hint of boos. That’s either a sign that Kansas City had no qualms with Cena or they really didn’t like Umaga.
118:38- We see the Spanish commentary area covered with blood. Either Randy Orton had an awful boo-boo or it was Melina’s time of the month over there.
119:11- Carlito (crappy, babyface version) and Torrie Wilson enter. JR tells us Torrie is his favorite person from Idaho and we find out why this Carlito/Masters feud is happening again: Torrie was put in the Masterlock.
120:26- Old school Chris Masters intro. That brings back memories of when Podswoggle Guest Writer Andrew Zangre could do this intro move-for-move…without the chemically enhanced physique…or any type of physique for that matter.
122:16- What will win out here: Carlito’s lack of effort or Masters’ lack of wrestling ability (at this point; Masters is really good now).
123:25- Masters calls Carlito “Carly.” What’s up with the real names tonight? Is Cena gonna call Umaga “Eddie” in the main event?
124:09- Carlito with a double springboard Asai moonsault. If WWE didn’t screw him up and if Carlito went at full speed all the time, he could still be a main event level guy in WWE. Instead, we get his less interesting brothers.
126:11- Quote of the night so far from JR: “’I’ve been a puppy man for years.” The image of JR playing with little Chihuahuas is adorable…and the image of JR slathering large breasts in BBQ sauce is alarming.
127:56- Out of nowhere, Masters rolls up Carlito and pins him with a handful of tights. Afterwards, Carlito eats a Masterlock and…that’s it? We finally have a dud, folks…and a confusing, stupid booking decision.
129:37- The WWE Title video begins. The highlights: Armando Estrada should never have been released and Kevin Federline existed.
131:56- Umaga enters to little reaction. Imagine if Samoa Joe had taken this gig like it’s rumored he was penciled in to. That crowd would be going nuts right now. No knock on Jamal, but Joe would still be rocking Umaga.
133:13- It’s official: Kansas City loves them some John Cena. Great pop.
134:29- This might have been the first time the boxing style intros were done. It’s always been a great touch and makes the match seem all that more important.
135:24- Prepping for this match just makes me want to watch their Last Man Standing match from Royal Rumble. That is a good one. This…let’s find out.
136:18- Cena gets the early advantage and Umaga responds by beating up the already beaten up announce area, making Lawler crap his pants all over again.
137:13- It’s funny how Umaga was released several years before becoming Umaga only to be brought back and given a main event push. I imagine Rosey was watching this match in his living room, halfway through his thirteenth Pizza Hut P’zone.
138:46- Nobody ever gave a Samoan Drop like Umaga.
139:26- Umaga is beating Cena up like Goldberg beats up windshields.
140:20- Cena with a Sunset Flip attempt! See, he can wrestle!
142:17- Tilt a whirl sideslam Rock Bottom by Umaga. I hope you get it because that’s the best way to describe it.
143:37- Spinning Heel Kick by Umaga. For a big motherfucker, he was a good motherfucker in the ring.
145:24- Cena counters an Umaga Banzai Drop with knees to the nards and tries for an FU (they called it an FU, I prefer FU, it’s being called an FU), but again can’t lift him up. If at first you don’t succeed, try again…and then if you fail, you must be dealing with a big ass Samoan.
147:40- The dreaded nerve hold! It’s more so dreaded for an audience to watch than an opponent to take.
148:50- Every time Cena comes back, Umaga takes him back down. Solid monster heel vs uber babyface match.
150:10- Again, Cena fires a ton of shots at Umaga, reeling him. A big uppercut stops Cena dead in his tracks. Finally, Cena throws Umaga’s head into the ring pole and gears up for the Five Knuckle Shuffle. That move makes the Worm look like the Muscle Buster.
151:28- Umaga battles back with a Belly to Belly and puts Cena up in the Tree of Woe. That name is still appropriate as shit. Whoever came up with that deserves a raise or a cheeseburger or something.
152:32- Umaga preps the Running Asshole, Cena blocks it and gets a flash roll up for the 3 count. What perfect booking for their first match: a quick momentum pin to keep the monster credible. Umaga storms about, looking for somebody to kill while Cena can’t believe it on the ramp.
154:23- Umaga does more work for the crew, beating up the announce tables like a pissed off Canadian. Cena raises his title high in the air on the ramp and we fade to black.
I thoroughly enjoyed that show. Besides Masters/Carlito, every match was solid. Sure, it wasn’t the most notable show in the world (beyond HHH tearing his quad and missing his big rematch with Cena at WrestleMania 23), but it featured good in-ring action and had a hot crowd supporting everything.
All in all, I would say this was a great purchase for a penny.
Also, I think the curse of the retro diary is over. Thank God, I don’t think I could take anymore crappy shows.
Sigh…the DVD extras are Donald Trump vs Rosie O’Donnell and John Cena vs Kevin Federline.
You ruin everything, Federline. EVERYTHING!!!