“It’s the most wonderful time of the year.” -Andy Williams
The holiday season means so many different things to so many different people. It is the time of the year to celebrate those eight crazy nights or the birth of Christ or to enjoy Ralphie shoot his eye out for 24 hours straight.
Alas, the true meaning of the holidays is and will always be giving and receiving presents.
As we celebrate Christmas for the first time on Podswoggle.com, the entire Swoggle Squad sat down and came up our own personal list of gifts to dole out this festive time of the year to the most deserving personalities in the wrestling business.
You better watch out and you better not cry. The Swoggle Squad is coming to town with a sack full of gifts. Enjoy!
For Joe Perfect, his father reincarnated to help him develop some semblance of a personality.
For Booker, what better gift than a dictionary? Wait…how about a thesaurus? Actually…let’s just give Booker an entire library.
For the fifth season of NXT, how about an ending?
For little Evan, I’m sure we can procure a bag of actual weed. If you’re getting punished, you might as well experience the real thing.
AJ Styles, Samoa Joe, Bobby Roode, James Storm, Austin Aries, Motor City Machine Guns
For the TNA stalwarts, a one-way ticket to Stamford, CT.
For Johnny Ace, besides a lozenge, he doesn’t really need anything. How about a daily reminder he isn’t Shane Douglas?
For JoMo, we bestow a giant, hefty set of balls.
Matt and Jeff Hardy
For each Hardy Boy, we would like to give them each a better brother. Maybe enrollment in a mentorship program?
For Super Vinnie Diesel Oz, he gets the set of knees God decided to forsake from him since…birth?
Brother Devon’s kids
For everybody’s favorite adolescences, BASEBALL STUFF!!!
For the keeper of the pigeons, the telephone number to Swoggle Squad headquarters. We’d love to have her on the show…or serve drinks at a poker game…or read The Hunger Games. Who gives a shit?
For Mrs. Vinnie Mac, her very own sex scandal to boost her upcoming campaign. Any volunteers?
For the former Mrs. Kurt Angle, I’m sure she is ready to have a new, crazy, worthless husband. Maybe Eric Young can finally reach that brass ring with her help. Or, we can have what made Rich laugh his ass off: Karen and Darren Young.
For Sexual Chocolate, I’m sure he would like receiving the gift of 2011 in a bottle.
For the Show-Off, let’s give him a rocket strapped to his back. Just to make sure what should happen to him does happen.
For the botchiest of botchers, we have the resolution to his problems: that watch from "Clockstoppers." That might nip those problems in the bud.
For that Awesome Kong, a healthy and happy delivery…and an even faster recovery so The Bella Twins can be dismembered.
For Steve Borden, a Netflix subscription so he can find another movie character to rip-off.
For the last remnant of Cryme Tyme, we give him the best of luck in his future endeavors.
The Anonymous Raw General Manager
For the long lost computer, a brand-new power cord. That’s why he hasn’t been making any decisions, right? I can just imagine whoever it is sitting at home, screaming at the TV “NOOOO!!! This is not what I would be doing with this show at all!!!”
I think that will about wrap up our shopping list for this year. From everybody at the Swoggle Squad to our fans/listeners/readers to everyone involved in the wrestling business, have a safe and Happy Holidays.
Especially Shane McMahon. We were going to give you a gift, Shane, but you can’t really give continued success outside the confines of the WWE.
Some people are just hard to shop for.