Believe it or not, we here at Podswoggle are surprisingly literate. Good for us! But instead of proving it with a riveting installment of “If Wrestlers Were…Orwellian Political Allegories,” we’ll just tackle the most popular literary phenomenon to grace the Scholastic Book Fair. Both the WWE and Wizarding universes have uncanny parallels that simply cannot be ignored, so sit back, hold tight and grab a six-pack of butterbeer because we’ve got some tricks up our wizard’s sleeves. Ew.
***DISCLAIMER***: We will not be held responsible for spoilers. It’s been about five years. Level up.
Harry Potter - John Cena
Our heroes through-and-through whether we like it or not. And the extra parallel that makes this all the more apt? Harry Potter fans don’t like Harry that much. The protagonist of the series is brave, no doubt, but we readers had to wade through hundreds of pages rash anti-Malfoy assumptions (that were always true, but always obnoxious), blood-curdling teen angst, and sassing the hell out of his obviously competent female companion, and we still couldn’t muster up enough give-a-fuck. He’s boring because he’s better than you. No one can relate to Harry because he actually is St. Potter. People dislike Tim Tebow, people dislike John Cena and people dislike Harry Potter. And as much merch he sells and as much hustle, loyalty and respect he touts, Cena will have haters aplenty in spite of his good virtues. Leave it to America to be anti-troops, anti-Jesus and anti-orphan.
Ron Weasley – Sheamus
Ginger and loyal to the bitter end, these beloved firecrotches stand by all that is good and right in this world. Like a firm disbelief of skin pigment and the sun. Everyone loves Sheamus in a let’s-throw-back-some-beers-and-yell-at-the-telly sort of way, and Ron is easily one of the more relatable characters of the series. He has his faults, and they make him all the more likable in the end. Sheamus is the kind of dude you want to have an ale and chat about vest fashions. So if you’re reading this Sheamus, give us a call. We’d love to hang out, and there’s this thing called “outdoors” that we just have to tell you about.
Hermione Granger – Beth Phoenix
They’re no pretty princesses, but these women take charge and have half a mind to kick your ass. Book-Hermione, and even movie-Hermione in spite of Emma Watson’s unrelenting feminine coolness, didn’t get involved with the other girls’ petty bullshit much in the way Beth tends to avoid the Divas hair-pulling and inexplicable ass-shaking. They have more important things to do than Divination and posing for Maxim, like preventing the Wizard Apocalypse and beating the shit out of Kelly Kelly and passing their O.W.Ls and having sex with CM Punk. Priorities, ladies. Priorities.
THE ORDER OF THE PHOENIX:
Sirius Black - CM Punk
As traumatizing as it would be to see Punk succumb to the whimsy of a billowing sheet, it’s undeniable that these two troublemakers are bona fide pros at pushing the envelope while winning the hearts of everyone around them. They’d love to brood, but they’re just too into mischief to play the somber role all too well. They’ve mastered of art of the biting practical joke and the Second City Saints are essentially the Marauders of the Muggle world. While we’re praying Punk doesn’t meet the same abrupt end for all his antics, we’re still holding out on the hope he’s a secret Animagus.
Remus Lupin – Dusty Rhodes
Although he’s about as least academic as they come and Colt Cabana would have fit much better here with the Sirius/Punk comparison, we have a hunch good-natured ol’ Dusty carries around enough chocolate to recover from attacks from the entire dementor population of Azkaban. And we haven’t made a fat joke yet, so why waste a perfectly good one?
Alastor “Mad Eye” Moody - Mick Foley
If wizards knew what sweatpants were, Moody would be the first to run out a buy pair because nothing says “rogue Auror” quite like an elastic waistband.
Dobby – Hornswoggle
We’re not dignifying this with an explanation. We just want to see our namesake in a tea cozy.
HOGWARTS FACULTY & STAFF:
Albus Dumbledore - The Undertaker
If you have a problem in the WWE locker room, you go see Taker. If you have a problem in the Wizarding world, you go see Dumbledore. If you have a problem in a Wizarding locker room…hey, to each his own. That said, everyone respects Undertaker. Everyone. It doesn’t matter how long they’ve been in the business; he commands the respect of all for his sheer skill at existing. He doesn’t have to show his face but once a year (what up, OotP-era Dumbledore?) and he still strikes fear into the hearts of all. The man has talent, terror-induced charisma, and the most impressive character development for a guy who’s seen less often than Michael Cole’s dignity.
Rubeus Hagrid - Big Show
Ample, brimming, bulky, burly, capacious, chock-full, colossal, commodious, considerable, copious, crowded, enormous, extensive, fat, full, gigantic, heavy, heavyweight, hefty, huge, hulking, humongous, husky, immense, jumbo, mammoth, massive, mondo, monster, oversize, packed, prodigious, roomy, sizable, spacious, strapping, stuffed, substantial, thundering, tremendous, vast, voluminous, walloping, whopping. Yes, we just looked up “big” in a thesaurus.
Minerva McGonagall – Roddy Piper
Piper’s role for the past year in WWE has apparently been to show up as a wise vet and give Cena a swift kick in the ass (or a slap in the face full of ENERGY!!!!). By the end of the series, McGonagall had mastered the art of giving Potter a stern talking-to. Deep within the depths of Rowling’s notes, she established that McGonagall was of Scottish descent (which we know because we’re nerds). So call us crazy, but we’re pretty sure under those robes, McGonagall’s got on some plaid skivvies. Hah. Cha. Cha.
Severus Snape – Wade Barrett
The greasy hair! The yobbish snarl! The tears! Probably in love with Cena’s mother! And most likely the only way they’re going to get laid any time soon is the accent.
Horace Slughorn – Husky Harris
Come on, a synonym for being fat is in his name.
Sybil Trelawney – Ultimate Warrior
If the pattern holds true, that means one of Warrior’s promos was a completely factually accurate prophecy. We’ve already placed a call to Rod Serling, but it went to voicemail.
Gilderoy Lockhart - Dolph Ziggler
If Cody’s gimmick hadn’t slightly changed three times in the past year and a half, he probably would have had this spot, but this instead goes to #HEEL and his luscious ramen noodle locks of blonde grandeur. Ziggler thinks he’s as great as they come, and yet keeps losing his cool to this relentless Cornish pixie of an obstacle – The Long Island Iced-Z, Zack Ryder. Keep holding onto that U.S. title as long as you can, but at least we know we can always count on you (and Lockhart) to sell it hard and make your fellow wrestler (and wizard) look absolutely brilliant.
Quirinus Quirrell - Iron Sheik
Quirrell wore a turban. Sheik wore a turban. Assholes wear turbans.
Neville Longbottom - Chris Jericho
The tried and true unsung heroes of our tale. No matter how hard they try or how much they prove themselves, their real value isn’t recognized until the last possible minute. Even before slaying their respective beasts (Neville administering a single-blade beatdown on Nagini and Jericho taking down Stone Cold and The Rock in the same night for the first ever Undisputed Heavyweight Championship title), they show undeniable balls and brash along the way. Both also started out incredibly awkward and evolved into “hunks,” and Neville undoubtedly has been stricken with the Jericho Curse. Poor kid.
Ginny Weasley – The Rock
Rock and Cena have undeniable chemistry, which is why they’ve been the big main event at Wrestlemania 28 since, well, the day after Wrestlemania 27. They’re probably not in love, but they definitely have talent as a tag-team even though the Rock far outshines Cena in the ring and on the mic. And let’s be honest, Ginny wore the pants in her relationship. In the books at least, she was pretty, talented, articulate and badass. She’s got all the goods and just coaxes along her famous boyfriend and eventual husband into fulfilling his duties of saving the world. Cena’s got a lot of Make-A-Wish kids to high-five, so someone’s gotta put some pep in his step.
Fred & George Weasley – D-Generation X (Triple H & Shawn Michaels)
Less the impish troublemakers and more the bad boys of mischief and anarchy, both dynamic duos lead the way in terms of causing absolute chaos. Where Weasley’s Wizard Wheezes left off, DX picked up (fun fact: the events of the novels ended in 1997, when the Attitude Era began). Shawn Michaels retired, so we’ll just say he’s Fred. Oh, stop looking so sad.
Percy Weasley - Cody Rhodes
Both started off a bit grating and arrogant, but overall well-intentioned. Percy was just a hopeless know-it-all and Cody was just a bit too handsome for his own good. Naturally, both took a turn for the worse and Rhodes decides to play Man in the Plastic Mask and Weasley became a bureaucratic shit-stain on Wizarding society. Percy eventually redeemed himself, so here’s hoping someday Cody goes over as much as his kneepads.
Draco Malfoy - Randy Orton
It’s the walk. Just look at it! It oozes swag. And can you check out that smolder for a moment? It burns right through you, doesn’t it? And both do a helluva toe-touch. In fact, if you’ve ever wondered what Orton’s inner monologue was like or had a couple of questions about his home life, here’s the answer…with pictures!
Vincent Crabbe & Gregory Goyle – Awesome Truth (The Miz & R-Truth)
Everyone has a bit of a chip on their shoulder and misery loves company, so it’s no wonder that these two pairs of sons-of-bitches found solace in each other’s shortcomings. The pissed-off have strength in numbers, so the more goons the merrier! Sure, Awesome Truth may have broken up, but Crabbe died so I guess they did too. Oh. Yeah. Spoiler alert? Whatever.
Seamus Finnegan & Dean Thomas – Air Boom (Kofi Kingston & Evan Bourne)
Ebony and Ivory through-and-through, Kofi and Bourne have won the hearts of the wrestling world with their upbeat, high-flying spunk. Seamus and Dean were lovable even when their mothers are being dicks or they’re making out with your little sister in a bar.
Luna Lovegood – Jeff Hardy
Beloved and very likely perpetually on psychedelics, the both of them. We’d go on a limb to say Hardy is a field expert in nargles and Crumple-Horned Snorkacks. It’s great that they’re independent and don’t take mind to what other people think of them, but Luna’s about two DUIs away from an invitation to A Merry Hardy Christmas.
Cedric Diggory - Colt Cabana
Even being beloved by all can’t stop the untimely end of these two strapping young chaps. Cedric was a friend to all when he wasn’t busy getting stellar grades, wooing women across the Orient, and sparkling like a Lisa Frank pencil case. And Colt is a nice Jewish boy who does comedy. These are prime specimens for universal adoration and, ergo, the perfect ones to be let go to make a point to all. Something about making your own luck and not leaving strange cemeteries immediately? We missed the moral, sorry.
Fleur Delacour - Kelly Kelly
No, no. Don’t speak. Shhh…that’s it. Some things just are.
Lavender Brown – Stacy Keibler
Known almost exclusively to anyone outside of the industry as the-girl-that-dated-the-more-famous-attractive-guys, Keibler and Lavender have really made a name for themselves as arm candy. LavLav likely wound up a washed up centerfold in Busty and Bewitched in the epilogue and J.K. simply opted to leave it out. Keibler made out pretty well there, actually.
Lee Jordan – Booker T
Black guy with dreds on commentary: An emphatic “yes.” It’s also reassuring to know that McGonagall would whip the shit out of Booker for dropping a “Shucky ducky, quack QUACK” during the Quidditch House Cup.
Parvati & Padma Patil - The Bella Twins
Although the Patils have a much better attitude, two sets of tanned twins is two sets of tanned twins. Tomato, tomato.
Angelina Johnson - Alicia Fox
She’s black? Good enough for us. Fun Fact: Both enter arenas to knock-off Nelly songs.
Cho Chang - Gail Kim
She’s Asian and mishandled? Good enough for us.
Pansy Parkinson - Melina
A whiny, good-for-nothing brat who’s most redeeming quality being shown the door. With Melina’s recent release, it leaves the door open for a new snot-nosed punk to bitch and insult her way to the unemployment line. And as for Pansy? Well, we don’t know what happened to her after the Second Wizard War, but if McGonagall knew what was good for her, she probably just left her in the Hogwarts dungeons.
Ernie Macmillan – David Otunga
Underneath it all, Otunga and Ernie are why Hufflepuffs have a bad rep – and this is a matter we both take very seriously as Rich and I are both proud Pottermore-badgers. All swag and no substance, these two pompous windbags could pontificate until they’re blue in the face, but at the end of the day, their huffing and puffing haven’t really resulted in anything worth writing home about. At the risk of delving too deep, this officially makes his travel mug Hannah Abbott, and we’re perfectly fine with that.
Justin Finch-Fletchley – Michael McGillicutty
Your name has too many syllables, we don’t have time for this.
Viktor Krum - Mason Ryan
He Viktor. He Mason Ryan. Both too big for full sentences. Sara’s mom thinks both are “muy caliente.” Alrighty then.
Colin Creevey – Rey Mysterio
Tiny and annoying, these little guys just seem to pop out of nowhere at the most inconvenient times. Nevertheless, they are lovable, and we’re all secretly devastated when they meet their makers. Sara will shed a tear if and when Mysterio gets let go, and she already misses him in his prolonged absence. Rich is still looking for that fuck he never gave. Speaking of El Creeveys…
Dennis Creevey – Sin Cara
Well, that was easy.
Cormac McLaggen – The Shockmaster
You could have been awesome if you weren’t so busy being not awesome.
Anthony Goldstein – Goldberg
Raise your hand if you’ve heard of Anthony Goldstein? Exactly. Well, he was sorted into Ravenclaw in Sorcerer’s Stone, after which he no doubt specialized in Wizarding accounting, and we’d bet he was 173-0 in the Young Galleons Enthusiasts annual money sorting competition. He’s the one Jew Rowling allowed to reside in her Wizarding dystopia. And Goldberg…well, you get the point. Sure, there was Scotty Goldman for a little while, but you saw how long that lasted. There can only be one Jewlander.
Lord Voldemort - Chris Benoit
I imagine Ollivander’s sentiment would be applicable here: “He did great things. Terrible, but great.” Chris Benoit and Tom Riddle both were born with undeniable skill in their respective trades – Benoit was a hero in the ring and Riddle charmed his way into the hearts of professors and classmates alike. And yet years later, no one dared to speak their names. Riddle became You-Know-Who/He-Who-Must-Have-A-Long-As-Shit-Alternative-Identification and Benoit’s name was stricken from every release from the WWE since the 2007 incident (a WWE writer recently got in hot water for the mere mention of his name on WWE’s website). Also, Benoit speaks Parseltongue – the jig is up!
Lucius Malfoy - Ric Flair
Walking sticks, luscious locks and capes -- oh my! Always the majestic blonde bombshells, Lucius and Flair are the Original Gangsters of heeldom. For all the problems Flair had about being underutilized as a 90s main event draw in WCW, Lucius also got the short end of the Death Eating stick. Serve the Dark Lord well? Use his son as bait. Continue to serve the Dark Lord well? Continue to get shit on. You’d think he’d learn the error of his dark ways, but no; he just kept coming back for more. But at least they looked faaaaaabulous. Both are also about $400,000/286,594 Galleons in debt.
Peter “Wormtail” Pettigrew – John Laurinitus
They couldn’t help but turn to the Dark Arts. Look at their lives – they’re surrounded by greatness and just fail to live up. Wormtail was the Dynamic Dude of the Marauders, so it’s no surprise he looked to Voldemort to validate him in the way that Laurinitus looks to McMahon for emotional fellatio.
Dolores Umbridge - Vicki Guerreo
Vicki is Umbridge with a megaphone, or Umbridge is Vicki on Xanax. Either way, they are universally hated by all who have the displeasure of crossing paths with them. Just imagine the looks of pride on Swagger and Ziggler when Vicki pinned on their Inquisitorial Squad badges. We’re just waiting for the day Vickie threatens to rip a Diva’s perky little boobs off.
Bellatrix Lestrange – Kane
It doesn’t seem to matter how morbid and malignant these people are – we get really excited to see them. Kane’s appearance at the end of the Slammys this year proves that he still has it. And Bella’s got herself a rabid fanbase in spite of her obvious sociopathic tendencies, Nazi-era fanaticism, and disbelief in oral hygiene. Channeling the forces of evil has never made us mark out harder.
Fenrir Greyback - Hulk Hogan
Both Greyback, a werewolf, and Hogan thrive on the innocence and vitality of youth for strength. Hulkmania is essentially the equivalent of siring a kid: Once they get “infected,” they’re never quite the same again. They also drool at inopportune times and make poor life choices, like cannibalism and making “Santa With Muscles.”
Cornelius Fudge – Vince McMahon
The Grand Poobahs of these entire operations will keep an iron grasp on their mighty empires until someone pries it from their cold, dead hands. Both have a nasty habit of turning a blind eye when the world around them is turning to shit, and I like to think their taste in dress robes is something similar (dress robes, pink suits – same thing). If someone dares brings up any deficiencies within their carefully constructed utopian societies, god help them.
Moaning Myrtle – Alberto Del Rio
Myrtle may have the charisma of a toenail, but I can tell this chick got an Outstanding on Being the World’s Whiniest Bespectacled Bitch O.W.L. And since Del Rio spends the vast majority of his time either complaining about not having the championship belt or about who wants to steal it from him, we’d say his true “destiny” lies somewhere on the second floor girls lavatory with his doppel-lady-ganger.
Rita Skeeter - Michael Cole
No one likes them and neither one seems to understand this. Easily two of the least self-aware people, they will shove their unwanted opinions down your throat with the veracity of Ron Jeremy’s dick on a good day. Proceed with caution.
Peeves – Doink
Grawp - Andre the Giant
Colossal, inarticulate, and horrifyingly adorable. Maybe it’s a European tradition to give bicycle handlebars to young women – we sure as hell don’t know anything about the French.
Mundungus Fletcher – Repo Man
This one was a little tough because Sara was looking for someone who was the embodiment of a coward and a cheat. Rich, however, is content with a guy who just jacks people’s shit. Rich won.
Firenze – Mantaur
Pretty much the only connection here is being half-beast because Mantaur is about un-sexy as they come, whereas Firenze was supposed to be this oiled-up, hooved sex god. But the HORNS.
Nagini – Damien
Snakes are snakes, man.
Aunt Marge Dursley – Matt Hardy
Yeah, sure… It’s “magic” that’s making you bigger and bigger…
Sara’s sordid past was ripe with Harry Potter cosplay, message boards and fanfiction until she realized she was too pretty to admit these things in public. Rich just finished the series after enduring two years of Sara’s relentless nagging. They are both particularly good finders.