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The Day The Music Tapped Out

02 Dec

“The only white rapper in tune with the brothers.” –Kurt Angle

RaffiMainI enjoy music.  I enjoy it quite a bit, in fact.  It’s pretty much my jam.

I was raised on classic rock and Raffi.  “Baby Beluga” was always a favorite.  Just a happy guy with a beard, singing about a whale.  Doesn’t get much better. 

All was right in the world.  And then…

The skies opened up.  Rivers of blood began coursing through the streets.  Locusts, the Four Horsemen; all that jazz. 

Yes, all was just fine.  And then Kurt Angle recorded a rap song. 

And just like that, all was not fine. 

I originally wanted to write a column about all of the awful music pro wrestling has produced.  But this song is so wonderfully, epically bad.  The Wrestling Boot Band sounds downright funky in comparison. 

For your listening pleasure: “I Don’t Suck (Really)”  I’m sorry.

Podswoggle’s own Chris Mullet once burned me a CD that had this song on it ten times.  Driving to school became somewhat of a cruel endurance test.  Like small droplets of water hitting your forehead one after one.

Woah, before you get started…I have something to say.

*next track*

Woah, before you get started…I have something to say. 

*next track*

Woah, before you get started…

*drive into a tree*

The few times I’ve been able to make it all the way through the song have aged me terribly.  The day it was recorded, I imagine a room full of producers either stoned out of their mind or hogtied in the closet while Kurt Angle (stoned out of his mind) lays down his verses.  There’s no other explanation.

To review the song in a traditional sense would be an injustice to words.  It’s basically a chopped and screwed version of Angle’s theme song with him reading a bunch of lines that were probably written in crayon by some kid that was held back in kindergarten four times.  On the surface…

If you dig deeper, “I Don’t Suck (Really)” is the sound of several things. 

It’s the sound of a man losing touch with reality.

It’s the sound of rap dying.

It’s the sound of African American culture being set back 50 years. 

Lastly, it’s the sound of my love for music being put into question.

How could someone let this happen?  This…this THING?  And what about the children???  FOR GOD SAKES, KURT, THINK ABOUT THE CHILDREN!!!


“I Don’t Suck (Really)” is to rap what Olive Garden is to Italian food.  It’s just everything it shouldn’t be and nothing more.  My version of Hell is sitting at a cramped table at the Olive Garden, eating breadstick after breadstick while waiting for my shitty server to bring me a dried-up portion of Chicken Piccata.  And “I Don’t Suck (Really)” is playing over and over again throughout the dining room speakers.  LOUDLY.

Second place is the best you’ll ever do

*breadstick*

Be happy with that, before I do worse to you

*breadstick*

Anything you can do, I can do better

*breadstick*

Even when I rap, I rap MORE BETTER

*kill everyone*

BreadSticks

I’m out of answers.  This song defies all logic and reason.  All the puppies and rainbows in the world couldn’t wipe this cancer from existence.  And its mere existence is quietly draining the world of its puppies and rainbows. 

It’s true.  Oh, it’s damn true.  Soon, there will be no puppies.  There will be no rainbows.  There will only be Kurt Angle talk-rapping the word “braggadocious.”

And I’m sorry, Mr. Angle, but destroying everything nice about being alive is nothing to be braggadocious about.  I don’t care if you won a gold medal with a broken neck.  You killed music.  And for this, you suck. 

(Really.)

Angle

Andrew Zangre

Andrew Zangre

Been Watching Since: 1997

Favorite Wrestler, currently: The Miz

Favorite Wrestler of All Time: Triple H

Least Favorite Wrestler, currently: Cody Rhodes

                                       Least Favorite Wrestler of All Time: Cody Rhodes

                                       Guilty Pleasure: Michael Cole

                                       Catchphrase: "Why not?"

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