Home Articles 2011 “If Wrestlers Were…” Porn Stars

“If Wrestlers Were…” Porn Stars

30 Nov

 “Tell Brazzers I don’t get into bed for less than $10,000 a day.” –Dolph Ziggler, Z! True Long Island Story

pornstarmainNo, you are not mistaken.  You ARE reading the title correctly.  There's no doubt that our “If Wrestlers Were…” series has been nothing but fun and entertaining.  With it being my turn this month, it did not take long for me to come up with the idea of comparing wrestlers to porn stars.  I told the idea to Mullet at a party, he laughed, gave me a high-five and I knew that I was given the green light.

If you really think about it, wrestling and pornography are not that far off from each other.  Both involve men and women dressing in next to nothing and executing moves on each other until one is able to finish the other one off to the point where they cannot continue.  Oh yeah and there’s something for everyone.  Men on men.  Women on women.  Men on women.  Masked men.  Exotic women.  Even midgets. It’s like Jackie Chan in the "Rush Hour 3" bloopers.  Something for everyone.  In any event, it seems only fitting that this comparison would come up. And since I have apparently been dubbed the Swoggle Squad’s “Porn Expert,” I might as well be the one to write this article.  After extensive research (long, hard, extensive research that has lasted many hours), I have finally been able to compile a comparison list.  So, turn off the lights, light some candles and get the Kleenex ready. Because this article will make you laugh so hard, you’ll cry out of your eyes...and maybe out of your penis/vagina.

 

peternorth

Vince McMahon is PETER NORTH

So, it is fitting that Vincent Kennedy McMahon, the biggest name in wrestling today, relates to Peter North, the biggest name in pornography today.  But, what is even more similar is how they do what they do.  All the women in the pornography business want to do a scene with Peter North just to add that to their sexual resume.  However, every scene with North ends with North finishing on the girl’s face.  It is considered one of the biggest achievements in the pornography business.  You think I’m kidding.  That’s legit.  Well, when it comes to Vince McMahon, every wrestler longs to work with him and for the greatest wrestling company altogether.  However, one of the biggest achievements in the business is for Vince to take your face and have it kiss his ass.  That’s right.  The achievement of Peter North finishing on a girl’s face is the equivalent of being a part of the Vince McMahon Kiss My Ass club.  They are both disgraceful, but they put the person ahead of everyone else in the business.  In the end, North and McMahon get what they want and they use it to disgrace whoever the hell they want to.  They have the power to.

 

lisasparxxx

Melina is LISA SPARXXX

While Lisa Sparxxx may not be a big name porn star, she is known for one huge accomplishment.  She holds the world record for having sex with the most guys at one time with 919 MEN!  Holy gangbang Batman!  While Lisa Sparxxx is somewhat successful, her gangbang is what makes her well-known to pornography lovers.  Now, let’s look at Melina. No, she has not had sex with 919 men (although, we cannot confirm that).  However, her sexual exploits is what makes her well-known to wrestling fans.  While she achieved success in the WWE, she was more known for sleeping with other fellow wrestlers and doing it all while being the girlfriend of one John Morrison (*cough* pussy *cough*). Anyhow, as I mentioned before, anyone who enters the ring split-legged like that must really like to split those legs in the bedroom and probably with as many guys as she can that are not named John Morrison.

 

 

lexingtonsteeleMark Henry is LEXINGTON STEELE

Hold it!  I know what you are going to say.  “Wow, Mike, they are the same because they are black, right?  Too easy.”  WRONG!  Actually, they are more in common because of the track both had to take to achieve success.  Both have been in their respective businesses for close to 15 years.  While at first they did not achieve greatness, they kept trying again and again to become a top performer and one of the best in their respective businesses.  Henry went through multiple character changes that included sleeping with Mae Young and being the father of a hand. Lexington Steele had to perform in such movies such as “Major League Azz” and “Ally McFeal.”  He has starred in close to 600 pornography movies!  Needless to say, both of these men are the workhorses.  However, after much hard work, both are able to achieve success.  Mark Henry is on his first World Heavyweight Title run that, I have no problem admitting, he is doing pretty damn good at.  Lexington Steele has been named Male Performer of the Year 3 times and always get top billing.  Both are examples that hard work can pay off in the end.  But yes, they are also both black.

 

 

jennajameson

Trish Stratus is JENNA JAMESON

You ready for 100% Stratusfaction?  The careers of both of these girls parallel each other very much.  Both started out small at first. Trish started out managing both Test and Albert for the tag team “T&A.”  Jenna started out in the porn business at the age of 20 in a movie called “Ms. Behaved” (Yes, I actually looked her up on IMDB).  As time went on, both started to break out of their shell and become more and more successful.  It got to the point in which both were considered the top performers of their respective business.  Stratus went on to become a seven time Women’s Champion and four time PWI Woman of the Year.  Jameson received more than 20 awards during her pornography career and has even been inducted in the Adult Video News Hall of Fame.  Who knew they had a Hall of Fame?  However, both have even gone on to achieve success in the mainstream.  Stratus has gone on to star in numerous television shows and movies, most of them produced and shown in her home country of Canada.  Jameson has gone on to do numerous mainstream television and movie appearances and even write a best-selling autobiography.  She was also considering being in a Broadway musical!  From starting out small to becoming bigger than ever, the career paths of Stratus and Jameson mirror themselves with no question.  Oh, and they are both hot blondes.  That doesn’t hurt.

 

 

ronjeremy

Mick Foley is RON JEREMY

No, Mick Foley does not have an unusually large dick.  Or maybe he does.  Who knows?  Anyway, the reason why he is similar with Ron Jeremy is because both achieved superstar status and came to be known as the best in the business even though their body statures are completely different from their counterparts.  In both wrestling and pornography, the norm body shape for males are slim, muscular and tan.  Their hair is gelled and their bodies are hairless.  However, both Foley and Jeremy are at the complete opposite end of this spectrum.  They are as white as can be, overweight and as hairy as possible.  They shouldn’t be successful based on body stature alone!  However, both had features that put them in a higher class above the rest and help them achieve the status that they did.  For Foley, it was the ability to withstand any pain and perform crazy stunts that would make every other wrestler quiver in their boots.  For Jeremy, it was the possession of a large penis the likes of which no one had seen before.  So, even though both did not follow the norm in their businesses, their unique abilities and talents propelled them above the rest.  But in the end, with all the stunts that he did, Foley definitely has the biggest balls in the wrestling business.

 

 

 

chyna

Chyna is CHYNA

Do I really need to explain this to you?  If you don’t know what I am talking about, google “Backdoor to Chyna.”  Just be sure you are ready to erase your memory after you do.

 







tednewsom

Jerry “The King” Lawler is TED NEWSOM

So, I know what you are thinking. “Who in the blue hell is Ted Newsom?”  Well, get ready to be schooled.  Newsom is a well-known writer and producer of numerous documentaries.  He even helped write the original screenplay for “Spider-Man” in 1984.  However, ever since the start of the new millennium, he has appeared in numerous pornography movies (around 15 to be exact).  However, the catch is that he does not have sex in the films.  His appearances are simply cameos.  So, think about it.  Who is one guy who has tried to get with one of the Divas, but is never successful?  Who is one guy who just always has to interject himself into the business of the Divas in the hopes that, one day, he may actually get the opportunity to interject himself into a Diva?  None other than Jerry “The King” Lawler.  It was more apparent during the Attitude era when Lawler was hosting bikini contests and wet t-shirt contests and also when he was screaming, "Puppies!" every five minutes.  He is an old horndog.  Just like Ted Newsom.  And, with Lawler trying to hook up with a Diva, at least he doesn’t have to worry about if they are legal or not.  But, that is a whole other story entirely.  WHOO!

 

kimkardashianVelvet Sky is KIM KARDASHIAN

LET THE PIGEONS LOOSE!  It is no doubt that the Knockouts division of Impact Wrestling has been one of the only things they have done right. And, when it comes to the whole group, none is more famous than Velvet Sky.  It’s great that she is receiving some success with winning her first Knockout Championship at Bound For Glory.  But, what she is mostly known for is her, um, assets.  For those dense in the head, I mean her ass.  The way she bends over the ropes and shakes it.  The way she slaps it.  Dare if I say, that girl got a good booty.  Now, while there are numerous porn stars (and I mean numerous) with big butts, not one is known for it.  But, there is one who starred in one porn movie who garnered fame mostly because of her big ass.  That’s the former Mrs. Humphries herself, Kim Kardashian.  She’s in a sex tape, so she counts as a pornography star!  Both are known for having great backsides and using them to get themselves further up the pecking order.  But, the difference is that Sky is achieving success on her own while Kardashian is still using her big backside to get her noticed.  Plus, I’m pretty sure if she was in a wrestling ring, Kardashian would gather more heat than ever.  And then Sky would beat her up.  Oh, the world of possibilities.

 

So, there you go!  If you read all the way through, then you deserve a prize.  And the prize is this: Thank God and your lucky stars that Nicole Bass was never in a porno.  You’re welcome.  (I would include a picture here to prove my point, but in the interest of not losing followers, I’ll just tell you to google her.)

Michael Whidden

Michael Whidden

Been Watching Since: 1994

Favorite Wrestler, currently: Kevin Owens

Favorite Wrestler of All Time: Stone Cold Steve Austin

Least Favorite Wrestler, currently: Matt Hardy

                                      Least Favorite Wrestler of All Time: Gangrel

                                      Guilty Pleasure: 3 Minute Warning

                                      Catchphrase: "Everytime I pick Triple H, I lose"

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