"Many times we fans get a steady diet of "gimmick matches" which often comes off as a lazy way of doing business." -Jim Ross
Kane has his Inferno match. The Great Khali has his Punjabi Prison match. And Shane Douglas has his Viagra on a Pole match. When a wrestler is given his own gimmick match, it's management saying "Hey, we might kind of like your character a little bit". But where are all the new gimmick matches for 2011 and beyond? Where is Mark Henry's 'Ball Of Pain Match' (An Anything Goes Match fought inside a giant, inflatable bouncy ball) or Hornswoggle's Footstool of Horror match (Pretty much a regular ladder match with midgets). Who can channel the great Dusty Rhodes or Pat Patterson and refresh some of the best match types in wrestling history? I am....not that man. Nevertheless, I took my best shot at Reinventing The Gimmick Match:
Valet Parking Lot Brawl
In a Nutshell: Parking Lot Brawl meets The Most Expensive Cars in the World
Gimmick Match Belongs To: Alberto Del Rio
Match That Makes The Most Sense: Alberto Del Rio vs John Cena
Bugatti Veyron Super Sports, Ferrari Enzo, Lamborghini Reventon OH MY! Style, Class and Beauty is what Alberto Del Rio is all about. John Cena, on the other hand, would be the biggest underdog he has ever been. A match where he'd have to destroy beautiful cars? We may of found Super Cena's kryptonite.
Lion's Tan Match
In a Nutshell: Lion's Den Match meets Tanning Salon
Gimmick Match Belongs To: Zack Ryder
Match That Makes The Most Sense: Zack Ryder vs Sheamus
The Lion's Tan cage could be the most ingenious structure in the history of wrestling. Picture this cage but, instead of steel, it's a giant vertical tanning bed. I have no clue how we'd be able to see the action of the match, but who cares about that. Honestly, all I care about is seeing what Sheamus would look like if he was Randy Orton spray tan orange.
Buried Alive Casket Ride In a Cell (AKA The Undertaker Sampler)
In a Nutshell: Hell In A Cell meets Buried Alive Match meets Last Ride Match meets Casket Match meets Vince Russo
Gimmick Match Belongs To: Undertaker
Match That Makes The Most Sense: Undertaker vs Shawn Michaels
The inspiration of this article can only be the Undertaker. With more gimmick matches to his name than anyone else, his gimmick has changed the wrestling industry. So, I came up with a Vince Russo-esque farewell match for the Undertaker. Here are the rules: the match starts in a cell and Wrestler A must put Wrestler B in a Casket which goes into a hearse which has to be driven into a giant hole and buried with dirt. With Undertaker and Shawn Michaels going 1-on-1, that's at least 4 stars right there.
Iron [Wo]Man Bra and Panties Match
In a Nutshell: Bra and Panties match meets This Video
Gimmick Match Belongs To: The Divas Division
Match That Makes The Most Sense: Trish Stratus vs Lita
For the two people who thought Bra and Panties matches needed more technical wrestling, you'll probably still hate this idea. 60 minutes. One point for each article of clothing you remove from your opponent. The only thing better than a 60 minute Divas match is a 60 minute Divas match where the participants are completely covered up.
In a Nutshell: Ladder Match meets 'The Floor is Lava'
Gimmick Match Belongs To: John Morrison
Match That Makes The Most Sense: John Morrison vs Kofi Kingston vs Sin Cara vs Evan Bourne
It's time to get punny because why go HARDCORE when you can go PARKOUR! Whidden gave me the inspiration for this match and I decided to see where I could go with it. The rules of a Parkour match is easy. An object is hanging above the ring and the wrestlers must retrieve it in the most unnecessary and impractical ways. PARKOUR! There'll be fake trees around the ring, random ledges to jump on, brick walls instead of ropes and not a good looking girl in sight. PARKOUR! Maybe we can even have a Parkour division! Better yet: a Parkour title with the 24/7 rule! Parkour never sleeps. PARKOUR!
World War 64 (AKA King of The Rings)
In a Nutshell: King of the Ring tournament meets Steroids
Gimmick Match Belongs To: Any company dumb enough to do it
Match That Makes The Most Sense: WWF in the year 2001
No, this is not a shitty $5 Nintendo 64 video game. I have a weird fetish for multiple wrestling rings in one arena. I also had so many ideas for this match that I came up with 3 different scenarios, each on a different level of practical, on how a World War 64 match could go:
Possible: During each of the Raws leading up to the PPV, WWE would have four 16 man tournaments where the 2 finalist each week would move on to an 8 man tournament on PPV for the right to win World War 64
Crazy: We have four 16-man tournments happening in 4 different locations at the same time, a la Wrestlemania 2. Once we are down to our final four, we fly all 4 winners to Madison Square Garden to decide who the World War 64 winner is.
INSANITY: We have 32 rings in the arena at the same time. The second you win a match, you stand outside your next opponent's ring and start wrestling them as soon as they win their match. Each ring has its own 3 man announce team. Yes, at one point I want 96 different men calling wrestling at the exact same time! Either that or Booker T calling the entire show by himself. Same result.