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Reality Wrestling Stars

19 Oct

“You can take a punch better than half the guys on the roster” –John Morrison talking to Snooki on Monday Night Raw

realitymainReality TV is probably some of the most captivating television that a person can watch.  What’s not to like?  There’s violence, sex, drugs and betrayal.  Even when there are failed ventures by the stars, it amazing to watch.  Mike “The Situation” Sorrentino bombed on the roast of Donald Trump.  Richard Hatch from "Survivor" went to jail on tax evasion charges and Kim Kardashian just married Kris Humphries.  With their knack for captivating audiences, how could reality TV stars not make great wrestlers?  I mean, just look at The Miz.  When multiple sources sited that TNA was talking with Ronnie, from the Jersey Shore, to make an appearance, it got me thinking…what other reality TV stars would make great wrestlers?  I mean, pretty much most of them would be decent, but who would be the best?

puckWhen the average person thinks about wrestlers, they think sweaty trouble makers who yell into the camera and look to start fights whenever they can.  Although these characteristics can fit most reality TV stars, the one that comes to mind is Puck from "The Real World."  Puck was a gross, white-trash character who had the rare talent of being evicted from "The Real World" house.  Even though every season of "The Real World" has something happen that is jaw dropping, you still don’t see any of the roommates being evicted.  It takes a special kind of person to be evicted from "The Real World" house. Whether he was a heel or a face, I think Puck would be able to master it all.  Plus, it would be cool to see a Wrestlemania main event match between Puck and The Miz, winner is the “Real World Champion.”

rubenIn this class of reality TV stars, there needs to be a big man.  A man whose sheer physical presence is enough to have you quiver in fear.  Clay Aiken should count his lucky stars that Ruben Studdard didn’t crush him like a little bug, but then again, maybe Clay would have liked it.  Ruben Studdard is a big man.  Imagine him and Mark Henry in a match.  Remember when Mark Henry was “Happy” Mark Henry, when he would come out smiling and sometimes he would even wrestle with Hornswoggle?  Well, that’s how I imagine Ruben Studdard would be. Wait, maybe this one was a bad example…forget Ruben Studdard.

paulSo, we all know that Hulk Hogan has hung around a little too long, but what if he were to have a nemesis, one who can compete in not only physical ability (which isn’t very hard) but can also compete in age?  Paul Teutul from "American Chopper" would be the best fit.  I mean, c’mon, tell me he doesn’t look like a wrestler.  We all know that not only is the guy built like an ox for his age, but from some of the arguments he would have with his son, we know he would have the ability to cut some good promos.

newyorkThe women of reality TV would also make for good Divas (or Knockouts).  You want someone who can take a bump?  Well, we at least know she can take a spit.  Tiffany Pollard, also known as New York, would probably become my favorite Diva.  Here’s why: Right now, I could care less about the Divas storylines.  I don’t care who is champion or who wins a match.  However, I can’t stand New York, so it would become a priority of mine to tune in to see New York take an “Implant Buster” from Kharma.  Make New York a heel and watch Diva match ratings sky rocket.

teresaWhile we’re on the Divas, let’s get someone for New York to face.  We need someone with attitude, someone who can establish a rivalry, like a New York/New Jersey rivalry.  "The Real Housewives of New Jersey's" Teresa Giudice would be just that.  Not only does she have the attitude that would make a good Diva, but we also know she has the strength to flip the shit out of a table.  I can see it now, New York vs New Jersey...Wrestlemania.  The match is no holds barred.  Anything goes, there will be spit flying, tables flipping and DDTs onto Teresa’s cookbook.  Flava Flav will buy front row seats to that match.

brunoI’m not 100% sure if this next reality star counts as a Diva or not, but I just like the energy that Bruno Tonioli from "Dancing with the Stars" brings week after week.  This pick was based more on promo ability, not so much on wrestling ability.  Maybe he can be the first ever “Gender Neutral” Champion. He would win the belt in a triple threat match between himself, Chyna and Orlando Jordan.

barrySome of the best personalities in wrestling have been managers…Bobby “The Brain” Heenan, Paul Bearer and Captain Lou Albano (or as Whidden calls him, Captain Lou ALBINO).  I really think that Barry Weiss from "Storage Wars" could easily make the list of top managers of all time.  He has the personality, the look and the charisma for the job.  He is easily the best and funniest part of "Storage Wars."  Only stipulation to this, though, is that he must be the manager to the winner of Money in the Bank (because he already had a suitcase of his own that he keep handcuffed to his wrist) and he also must wear those skeleton gloves that he wears when cleaning a unit.

ctNot to toot my own horn, but I have been saying that reality TV stars would make great wrestlers way before TNA was in talks with Ronnie (to be fair, so was ESPN’s Bill Simmons).  When I talked about this before amongst my peers, Ronnie was the second best on my list, so I am glad he is in talks with TNA.  However, my number one pick is still available.  I don’t mean to keep going back to "The Real World," but CT is the total package.  Not only can he fight and kick some ass, he has the charisma, the build, the craziness, the promo skills and everything!  He could be a heel or a face, high-flyer or muscle guy.  Fuck the X-Division, let’s make "The Real World" Division! Throw any of those crazy asses in that ring and they will do great.  It’s a cakewalk compared to the crap they go through on the MTV show.  I think we may even be able to do a "Real World: Royal Rumble.  I would like to think that in that Rumble, the wrestlers adhere to the same drinking rules as Mullet’s Royal Rumble drinking game throughout the match as well.  The winner of the Real World Royal Rumble should be drunk at the end.  It’s only fitting.

When all is said and done, I feel that reality TV can be used as a recruiting tool for wrestling companies.  I feel it is an untapped source of talent.  Plus, I think I have a hidden agenda, too.  Did you all know I was once on "Room Raiders"?

Augie Artiles

Augie Artiles

Been Watching Since: 2000-2002, 2009-present

Favorite Wrestler, currently: Sami Zayn

Favorite Wrestler of All Time: The Rock

Least Favorite Wrestler, currently: Jack Swagger

                                       Least Favorite Wrestler of All Time: Kane

                                       Guilty Pleasure: Enzo Amore

                                       Catchphrase: "I'll TAKE IT!"

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