“#1 question asked by fans today.. "Is Randy Orton here?" me: "no" (but thanks for making the bathroom/autograph thing as awkward as possible).” -@TheRealMorrison
It’s huge, it’s everywhere and there’s no point to try and stop it.
No, not Mark Henry at a Golden Corral.
Right now, Twitter is the kid on the social media playground that sits atop the monkey bars and gives out orders AND always gets a Lunchables for lunch (the good one too, with the candy and drink. You know, the one that indicates whose parents love them and who gives their kid tuna sandwiches every day). It has become the ideal way to get the latest global news and gossip– it’s quick, brief and streamlined. It’s on your desktop, it’s on your phone. It’s conveniently organized by subject via hashtags and trending topics, so you don’t have to bat an eye to find what you’re looking for. Just click on #WeAreBeliebers and it’s an instant all-you-can-pedo buffet. Microblogging: the Final Frontier. And as a journalism major (a fact which, like Mullet, I’m going to beat the crap out of), I’m obligated to give a shit about stuff like this.
And beyond being mired down by Demi Lovato crack-rants, retweeting comedians who are funnier than you could ever dream to be, and spouting your asinine political wisdom, there’s a positively booming demographic for athletes on the web (people still call it “the web,” right?) While Ochocinco and Shaq have cornered the market on utilizing social media to reach out to fans, the Superstars and other wrestling figures have been big on turning to Twitter to further storylines, show off skills at making quippy zingers, chat with fans, and generally shoot the shit. Big names like CM Punk (@cmpunk), John Cena (@johncena) and Randy Orton (@randyorton) to quirky characters like Hornswoggle (@wwehornswoggle) and Santino Marella (@milanmiracle) have made social media personas for themselves. Indie superstar Colt Cabana (@coltcabana) has maxed out the medium’s potential to push his character, “Art of Wrestling” podcast, and merchandise with great success.
Hell, someone actually let Mick Foley use the Internet.
Unfortunately, the wrestling greats (and not-so-greats-but-oh-so-funnies) of yesteryear were just a fail whale away from getting in on the 140-character fun. So here are some wrestlers who didn’t have Twitter accounts, but we really wish they did:
1. DUSTY RHODES
Always a sucker for a good ol’ fashioned speech impediment, the American Dream would be an absolute staple on my Twitter feed. Barring that he actually types with a lisp (from my mouth to god’s ears), it could easily be one of the most entertaining on the list. And since most of us don’t have direct access to the Rosetta Stone, it would at least pass the hours trying to decipher his tweets. Also, I want some insight on what happened to the kid that originally owned that bike.
Sample Tweet: @AmericanDream: Oh bebe thath’s ah beyewteeful bythical. Imma hop on ebay cuth ahm sthellin that beyewteeful bythical #mahkinprofiths
2. DUKE “THE DUMPSTER” DROESE
A garbage man. A GARBAGE. MAN. The treasures this guy probably dug up on a regular basis would make any bargain hunter blush. Quite frankly, it doesn’t so much matter about his opinions, his feud with Triple H or the fact that he looked like a poor[er] man’s Kevin Smith, but more so what the hell this guy finds in the city dump. And, as a native Floridian, I just want him to tell me where the hell I can find Mount Trashmore.
Sample Tweet: @WasteMANagement: found an old armoire, looks good in the living room. just needs fresh coat of varnish. #anothermanstrash
3. THE ULTIMATE WARRIOR
Yes, he looks like a coked-up Village People understudy and has teased hair that puts Tracy Turnblad to shame (yeah, that was a Hairspray reference. Suck it up, I have layers). The man legally changed his name to Warrior and is notorious for being impossible to work with because he is so batshit insane. Also, there was definitely a period in WCW in which he would be invisible backstage to everyone in the nWo to everyone except Hulk Hogan. That’s GOLD. Seriously, I can’t get over how funny that is. While Warrior has a Twitter now (and is still at it with Hogan last I checked…because it’s 1989 somewhere, right?), it’s too little too late now. So let’s pretend it doesn’t exist and he can have a shot at redemption in a time when people still gave a hoot, OK?
Sample Tweet: @RealWarrior: i started that u cant c me thing waaayyyy before @johncena, right @hulkhogan?!?!
4. ABDULLAH THE BUTCHER
Noted as one of the best hardcore wrestlers of all time, Butcher was a brutal and horrifying force to be reckoned with. The grooves in his head made him look like a Land Before Time character and he’s eaten everything from microphones parts to entire toads for the sake of intimidation. Imagine that a man that big is just full of announcers’ ties, cardboard and chicken heads as a primary form of sustenance. There are fewer artificial substances in a McNugget than what this guy carries around in his gut on the daily. Considering he’s the Joey Chestnut of stuff-that’s-not-food, what else has this behemoth consumed? And should he get a cooking show…?
Sample Tweet: @thebutcher: badger testicles with sriracha, just hear me out guys #lookoutrachaelray
5. “HACKSAW” JIM DUGGAN
In this era of orange alerts and terror scares, if there’s one thing this great nation needs, it’s a Twitter dedicated to American pride from someone who isn’t running for public office. And I don’t mean inspirational quotes and gut-wrenching 9/11 tributes. I mean a metric fuckton of down-and-dirty, straight up Amurrica-lovin’ like NASCAR was going out of style. It was great to see him feud with Iron Sheik and commies and what-have-you. But imagine his reaction when Obama announced a team of Navy SEALs blew Osama bin Laden’s face to bits. Yeah, I’m smilin’ too.
Sample Tweet: @USAHacksaw: it’s patriot day? painted my 2x4 like the flag, HOOOOO U-S-A!!!!! U-S-A!!!!!!!
6. BRIAN PILLMAN
His “Loose Cannon” gimmick lends itself– nay, begs – for him to be let loose on social media. Twitter has become the ultimate tool for blurring the line between reality and storyline, and he is JUST the man to take a big, steaming dump on that line. Remember that one time he got out of a contract with WCW by being storyline-fired and allegedly suggesting it involve actual termination documents? Yeah, he essentially conned WCW General Manager Eric Bischoff into just letting him go work for ECW and WWE. Now THAT’S the kind of ingenuity we need in the wrestling Twittersphere. Luckily Matt Hardy has essentially filled in what the Pillman Online Experience probably would have been, but just…so much more tragic.
Sample Tweet: @LooseCannon58: hey @steveaustinBSR, janie’s got a gun and SO DO I! no really. look outside. HEY!
7. THE GOBBLEDY GOOKER
If you have to ask…
Sample Tweet: @hectorguerrero: see u all at #survivorseries, i got somethin so original and insane even @madonna or someone just like her wouldn-…nvm
8. “MACHO MAN” RANDY SAVAGE
This man had the energy, finesse and style it takes to cut it as an online celebrity. What Zack Ryder’s done with “Z! True Long Island Story” is something Savage could have done with his sunglasses tied behind his back. Imagine getting “Pomp and Circumstance” cross-fading with him just sitting there. Just talkin’. Chattin’. Ric Flair could have been the original “Ask the Heel.” All that aside, he was easily one of the greats that had the strength of personality to demand a chance to be heard whenever we could listen. And if anything, I just wanna know if he’d retweet this photo.
Sample Tweet: @BonesawMcGraw: “Be a Man finna drop 10/7. get it on itunes…that’s a new thing now right? #OHYEAH
Alright, fine, another (small) technicality. Undertaker is still around – if just barely – and, ergo, COULD have a Twitter. However, he doesn’t for the sake of kayfabe. Fine. I get it. Him tweeting about the poppy seed bagel he ate for breakfast would be out-of-character. However, I’m going to play Devil’s Advocate for a moment here. Undertaker is one of the biggest and baddest superstars in WWE’s history and it would be foolish to think that his Twitter wouldn’t be worth a follow. And fine, even if you don’t, he’ll only update it once a year anyway.
Sample Tweet: @Undertaker: 38-0! #nextyearinjerusalem
Sara gained 15 followers on Twitter the day she wrote a haiku about the Apocalypse. She also does the Trent Baretta fist pump at clubs, which is why she isn’t allowed out.