“Hey! San Diego Chicken, eat your heart out! We got us a Gobbledy Gooker!” –“Rowdy” Roddy Piper
Survivor Series. Thanksgiving night. 1990. For all wrestling fans, hearing those three parts in the same semester must make them cringe more than watching Ben Stiller get his penis stuck in his zipper in “There’s Something About Mary.”
For those of you who don’t know, let me explain. That night was the debut of the infamous Gobbledy Gooker. A weird turkey-like wrestling persona that came well-equipped with big eyes, red gobble, tons of fake feathers and long yellow legs that resemble Big Bird's. He hatched out of a big, fake egg that had been carried around and hyped for months. He only spoke in gobbles! However, no matter how hard Gorilla Monsoon and Roddy Piper tried to be enthusiastic or how many corny jokes Gene Okerlund told, the audience immediately HATED the Gobbledy Gooker so much that, after only 6 minutes of life that consisted of dancing around the ring with Okerlund, the Gobbledy Gooker was never seen in the WWE again. Well, except for stupid promos and for the Gimmick Battle Royal. But he was the second one out.
However, what makes wrestling fans cringe even more is the fact that the Gobbledy Gooker almost never came to be. In fact, before the idea was thought up about putting Hector Guerrero in this flamboyant bird costume, there was the idea of one incoming wrestler, who debuted on that same night, being called the Egg Man and hatching from the egg. Who was this man? None other than the UNDERTAKER. That’s right, folks. The man who is known as the one of the most intimidating wrestlers ever to step foot in the ring and holds the unbelievable WrestleMania streak that we all know almost never came to be. He even mentioned in WWE Magazine that he was scared of being this character when he debuted on that fateful night. Now, while other wrestling fans would forget this thought quicker than trying to forget the time they walked in on their parents “making whoopee,” I, for one, never walked in on my parents. So, I can take it. What if the Undertaker really came out of the egg and became the Egg Man? What would happen to Hector Guerrero? Would there actually be a different Undertaker? Well, why don’t you join me as we go down the rabbit hole. Because the farther down we go, the more fucked up things are going to get.
Survivor Series, November 22, 1990
So, the time has come. The crowd is tired of Okerlund’s jokes and it’s time for the egg to hatch. And when it does, the crowd can’t believe what they see: a near seven-foot tall man that is hairless from head to toe and is white as marshmallow fluff. All he is wearing is black trunks and black boots. Okerlund tries to ask questions about who he is and why he was in the egg. But he says nothing. In fact, he forces Okerlund to the ring and proceeds to beat the shit out of him. To finish the beat down, he chokeslams Okerlund and exits the ring. With Undertaker being as tall as he is, it would be hard to sell him as a wacky character. Therefore, the persona of him being intimidating and powerful must still remain. When it comes time to reveal the mystery partner on Ted DiBiase’s Million Dollar Team, it is the mystery man that emerged from the egg! He has a strong showing in the match, eliminates two wrestlers and eventually helps DiBiase win the match. They are the only remaining survivors. After the match, DiBiase grabs the mic and asks the man who he is. He eventually says, “I am born from egg. Wrestling all I know. I am He.” After this, DiBiase goes into Million Dollar mode and employs He as his personal bodyguard, along with Virgil. DiBiase says, “With all of us together, the world is our oyster. And I want the pearl!” He laughs and they all exit the ring.
Six Months Later
Things start off great for Ted DiBiase, Virgil, and He. With two big, intimidating men at his employ, no one dare touches the Million Dollar Man unless they want to receive a major beat down. Some try, however, and they face the wrath of He. DiBiase even makes He fight some of his matches. Hey, he can do that. He’s got all the money! Most of the beat downs He gives are to Dusty and Dustin Rhodes, whom DiBiase was feuding with at the time leading up to the Royal Rumble. However, everything changes at the Royal Rumble. After DiBiase and Virgil defeated the Rhodes' at the Royal Rumble, he ordered Virgil to put the Million Dollar Championship belt around his waist. Virgil ended up hitting DiBiase in the back of the head with the belt and turned face. This actually happened. Due to this happening, DiBiase starts going mad and has a hard time trusting He now. DiBiase starts losing matches due to He’s mistakes. It leads to the biggest mistake of all. DiBiase loses to Virgil at WrestleMania VII in March of 1991 due to help from “Rowdy” Roddy Piper. This actually happened, too. And due to He helping DiBiase, this would negate the Undertaker beating Jimmy “Superfly” Snuka for his first WrestleMania victory. Well, due to He not being able to fight off Piper, DiBiase ends up beating down He and firing him. For the next two months, He is rarely seen except for the occasional low-card match or two.
One Year Later
During his stint as a low card wrestler, He starts to win. And win. And win. Eventually, he makes his way to the mid-card and even wrestles for the Intercontinental Title once or twice. However, he doesn’t have any luck. During this time as well, the storyline turns to how He came to be. Yeah, he came out of the egg. But where did he come from? What’s his story? Well, right on cue, during He’s losing ways, a mysterious man starts appearing after his matches. The lights would go out and then come back on. And standing in the ring is this man wearing a black cloak, black gloves, black boots, and his head covered in black paint with a white skull painted on the face. The man would reach out to He, and then the lights would go out. When they came back on, he was gone. Finally, after a number of weeks of this, He would start going crazy and psychotic, moreso than he ever was. The more the mystery man showed up, the more He would become destructive. This leads us to Survivor Series 1991. Before He’s match, the mysterious gentleman would appear again. Except this time, he would be talking. He would say that his name was El Muerto and that it is his fighting spirit in He. In fact, he says it is his spirit in He since El Muerto is, yes, dead. This is why he is as destructive as he is. In a way, El Muerto is He’s father. And the funny thing is El Muerto would be played by Hector Guerrero! With El Muerto helping He channel his spirit, he would go on to win his Survivor Series match and start his way to the top.
Five Years Later
My oh my, how things have changed. With El Muerto at his side, He becomes a power that no one can stop. In his first attempt for the Intercontinental Championship since the appearance of El Muerto, He wins it hands down and becomes the new champion. In fact, He starts getting more success when it comes to titles. He even becomes a WWF Champion! However, He never gets the opportunity to turn face...UNTIL the right moment comes. During this time, Undertaker was in a feud with Kama and the Million Dollar Corporation, so we will use him for this scenario. Before He is supposed to defend his WWF Championship, Kama and the rest of the Million Dollar Corporation kidnap El Muerto in an attempt to drain He of his fighting spirit. However, He decides to channel the spirit of El Muerto even more by dressing like him! He would wear the black cloak, wear long black tights with boots, black gloves, and (the cherry on top) a head painted black with a white skull painted on his face! The Million Dollar Corporation is shocked! Kama is shaking in his boots! He ends up beating Kama and retaining the WWF Championship! Afterwards, He grabs the mic and drops a bomb. He says, “You may have taken my father, but you cannot take The Spirit!” That’s right folks! He is now The Spirit! After this face turn, The Spirit stays in the WWF Championship title picture and enjoys success. And El Muerto is never seen again. Until…
Ten Years Later
During The Spirit’s success, he gets the biggest shock of his life! El Muerto returns! The Spirit is anxious and excited to have his father back with him to become stronger than ever. And while this happens at first, things turn quickly. While The Spirit defends the WWF Championship at WrestleMania, El Muerto turns on The Spirit and costs him the title. Undertaker did fight Sycho Sid at WrestleMania XIII in 1997, so that could work. Their rivalry was a big one, so The Spirit losing this one due to interference would set up a BIG storyline. You didn’t think The Spirit was going to be undefeated at WrestleMania, right? That would defeat the whole purpose of this article! The next night, when The Spirit wants an explanation, El Muerto explains that he is now disappointed in his son. He is ashamed because he feels like The Spirit has gone away from his true self and is now pleasing the crowd rather than being the fighter that he is. With that being said, El Muerto drops the bomb on him. He tells The Spirit that he isn’t the only one with El Muerto’s fighting spirit and unveils ANOTHER EGG! Oh yeah, we are going there. After weeks of building up, finally, at the next In Your House pay-per-view, The Spirit is slated for a rematch against Sycho Sid for the WWF Championship.
However, during the match, when The Spirit is about to win, the egg hatches! And out comes a man with no hair whatsoever! He is wearing red trunks and red gloves! He looks just like The Spirit used to look when he first emerged! With The Spirit distracted, Sycho Sid picks up the win and the unknown man then enters the ring. He beats The Spirit senseless. He is quicker. Stronger. Meaner. Finally, El Muerto emerges and tells The Spirit, “I told you! You are now the weak one. Say hello to Him!” Still played by Glenn Thomas Jacobs. Might as well. This would prevent him from doing his Dr. Isaac Yankem character. You’re welcome. The next year would focus on the battle between The Spirit and Him with El Muerto supporting Him. Their matches would be brutal. Their rivalry would go back and forth. It would spawn the first ever “Drag Me To Hell” match in which the only way to win was to beat your opponent so bad you could lock them in a cage that would go down to Hell. Or just under the stage and fire explodes out. But who cares? It’s cool! When you thought one was gone forever, they would come back and the rivalry would renew. However, as all audiences are, people were tired of seeing this battle. So The Spirit and Him would branch off and have their own matches and own success. Him would go on to be a two-time Hardcore Champion. The Spirit would go back to winning the WWF Championship. However, Him would challenge him for it at Backlash: In Your House in 1999 and beat him with the help from El Muerto. Hey, Undertaker was facing Ken Shamrock at this. Who decided that?! This would lead to them battling again until the big moment comes. At Armageddon at the end of 1999, The Spirit and Him would battle again for the WWF Championship. However, the loser had to leave. FOR GOOD.
In the end, The Spirit would prevail and that would be the end of Him and El Muerto. Sorry Hector and Glenn. After the match, The Spirit would proclaim, “El Muerto, I don’t need you anymore. You see, The Spirit in me is mine and has been mine all along. You are nothing to me!” However, in a weird circumstance, The Spirit would lose the WWF Championship at the Royal Rumble in 2000 to Triple H. Go figure. As the year went on, The Spirit would be seen less and less. From RAW to Sunday Night Heat. Then from Sunday Night Heat to nothing. By the time the ten year anniversary of his egg hatching debut came, we would see on the WWF website the following:
“The Spirit has been released from the World Wrestling Federation. We wish him the best in his future endeavors.”
WAKE UP! WAKE UP! Don’t worry. It was just a nightmare. Anyway, what have we learned from this hypothetical storyline? One thing and one thing only: THANK GOD MARK CALAWAY BECAME THE UNDERTAKER! Seriously, if he didn’t, no matter how the storyline of the Egg Man would go, he would not achieve any success near what he has achieved today. Plus, Calaway is really one of a handful of wrestlers that took his character and made it his own. He made the Undertaker instead of the Undertaker making him and you can’t say that about a lot of wrestlers. So when you think back about how stupid the Gobbledy Gooker was and how Hector Guerrero should have never worn that stupid outfit, remember one thing: Instead of “Rest in peace,” it could have been, “I am He.” Now, if you excuse me, I am going to go ponder what would of happened if Monty Sopp never became Billy Gunn. He probably still would have gone through 20 character changes.