“It doesn’t matter what your name is!” -The Rock
As a casual fan and fairly recent wrestling fan, I often hear about or see things from wrestling history, before my time, that make me say, “What the fuck?!?!" Pay-per-view titles often fall under that category. With titles such as Cyber Sunday, Slamboree, Anarchy Rulz and Massacre on 34th street, how can you not help but wonder how the hell they came up with these titles? Well, that’s what I decided to do. Thanks to the wonderful world of the internet, I took a look at a long list of pay-per-view titles from WCW, ECW, WWE and TNA and, with no research whatsoever, I decided to come up with, what I imagine, how they came up with these titles.
In any presentation, you always want to start with your best foot forward…or at least a good foot. So you know this article/presentation is going to suck, because I started with TNA.
TNA Sacrifice – TNA specializes in mediocrity, so naturally they would listen to mediocre bands, at best. So for this PPV, TNA decided to pay tribute to the greatest mediocre band of all time…Creed. Naturally, the song that would be played between each match would be “My Sacrifice” and Scott Stapp would find a way to interfere in every match. These are what I imagine the main spots would have been: After AJ Styles wins his match, Scott Stapp stands in the middle of the ring “With Arms Wide Open.” Jeff Hardy is disappointed when he finds out Creed’s “Higher” didn’t mean what he thought it did. And Scott Stapp holds on to the arm of Matt Hardy as he stands six feet from the edge of the roof of the TNA building. Of course, none of this happens because Creed backed out when they found out that Shark Boy wouldn’t volunteer to be “Sacrificed” in the Impact Zone. So instead, we were treated to a match with Chyna.
ECW Heat Wave – Similar to TNA Sacrifice, ECW wanted to book a musical act as well. Rumor has it that Martha & the Vandellas, singers of “Heat Wave,” were to wrestle in a Royal Rumble-style match, but as Tope has pointed out before, that would have immediately put the cap on the amount of black wrestlers that are allowed in the ring at once, so Paul Heyman decided not to do it.
WWE Over the Limit – It’s no secret that WWE wrestlers (or any wrestlers really) love to drink and party. Even if you have not listened to Podswoggle’s podcast, Carle’s in Charge, with former WWE creative member John Carle, you would know how they love to party. Well, this title is easy. The premise of this pay-per-view is simple. You leave the card open to anyone. Right before the pay-per-view starts, every person who wants to be on the card must drink their life away backstage. Once the PPV starts, you use a breathalyzer to determine the top 14 wrestlers who are “Over the Limit.” The two who are “Over the Limit” the mos, get to main event. Good thing: This leaves a main event match to anyone who wants it most. Bad thing: They might not live past the night and Matt Hardy & Kevin Nash are favorites to win the main even spot. Sorry Punk, you will have to stay home for this one. Out of all of the ideas I have in this article, it is scary to think that this one is the most plausible if WWE wasn’t a PG rated company.
WCW/NWO Souled Out – Speaking of Kevin Nash, this was the one and only pay-per-view centered around the NWO…so far. With matches that featured Hulk Hogan, Kevin Nash, Scott Hall, Syxx and Buff Bagwell, it’s obvious to me how this title came about. Hulk Hogan would sell his soul for a candy bar or even just to be featured in a Rent-a-Center commercial, Nash and Hall drank their soul away, Syxx smoked it away and poor Buff Bagwell never had a soul to begin with. I heard Heath Slater was supposed to be a part of this, but even without a soul, he still sucks too much.
ECW Hardcore Heaven – Just imagine this, the poster could have been “Metal Head Jesus.”
WWE/ECW December to Dismember – This pay-per-view title idea was a little insensitive, but at the same time was an opportunity for the less fortunate. The idea was for every match on the card to feature all amputees. It was rumored that the music for the pay-per-view was going to be Kriss Kross’ “Jump, Jump” but they decided to go with the Hokey Pokey instead. Of course, the main event was Zach Gowen vs Mad Dog Vachon in a last man standing match. The reason this didn’t actually happen is because Vince learned that they didn’t sell wrestling boots individually and buying pairs of boots wasn’t cost effective.
WWE Taboo Tuesday – This was supposed to be a reoccurring theme. It was going to start with Taboo Tuesday and work its way to Mouse Trap Monday, where you had to trap your opponent in a mouse trap using the Rube Goldberg machine. Other titles that would have followed were Scrabble Saturday, Scattegories Sunday and Don’t Wake Daddy Friday (WWE got tired of alliteration). The main event for Don’t Wake Daddy Friday would be Stephanie vs Shane McMahon in Vince’s bedroom. The way to win the match was by pin or submission, but whoever woke daddy was disqualified.
WCW Capital Combat – This match was held in Washington, so of course they had to start the title by using “Capital.” As for the second part of the title, who is better at combat than a police officer? Let’s up that, how about a robot police officer? So, they wanted to bring RoboCop into this pay-per-view to spice things up a bit. The reason that this didn’t happen is because…wait….what?!?!
“What the fuck?!?!”