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Wrestling Fans Are Assholes

03 Oct

"You all sound like a bunch of ducks! What? What? What? What? Shut up while I'm talking!" -The Miz

assholefanmainWrestling fans are assholes.  Okay, maybe not all of them.  But there is a sense of entitled dickheadishness that comes along with attending a live wrestling event.  The quality of the medium just begs for a brash and offensive reaction.

I think that’s what I love most about attending a live wrestling show.

If you went to a Broadway play, they would never grant you admittance if you were carting in a “Mr. Mistoffelees Sucks!” sign.  You’ll never go to a game at Fenway and when Dustin Pedroia makes an error hear a rousing chant of, “You fucked up!  You fucked up!”  If during Hamlet’s “To Be Or Not To Be” monologue, they’d kick you out if you screamed “What?!” during every pause.

hamletHamlet: “To be…”
Crowd: “WHAT?!”
Hamlet: “Or not to be…”
Crowd: “WHAT?!”
Hamlet: “That is the question.”
Crowd: “WHAT?!”
Hamlet: “Okay, fuck you guys.”

But again, this is what I think I love most about attending a live wrestling show.

Now, I admit I’ve grown more mature and complacent with age.  But during high school, the greatest part of attending a live wrestling show to me was pissing off one of the human actor-athletes that I paid money to watch…and harass.

I remember the WCW Monday Night Nitro I attended and brought several blank poster boards and a large Sharpie marker to create signs as they hit me.  “Konnan Mows My Lawn” certainly offended some of the Latino members of that Jacksonville crowd.  Probably to a lesser extent, my “Hey Sonny Onoo!  Jap Is Crap!” sign made the two or three Asian fans unhappy.  But in that Jacksonville crowd, it was most likely the “White Trash” sign with arrows pointing in all directions that elicited the most boos from people around me. 

justincredibleI’ve verbally sparred with several wrestlers during live shows.  At a WWE house show in Gainesville, I received a “You paid to watch me” from Billy Kidman in response to my claim that I had engaged in sexual intercourse with his girlfriend at the time, Torrie Wilson.  A simple “Fuck you” came my way after using the same cheap insult to Test, insinuating that Stacy Kiebler had enjoyed our round of copulation.  I went to an ECW show once with a group of friends and elbowed our way into front row seats.  Both Justin Credible and Lance Storm actually hopped off the apron to come and yell face-to-face with me.  Justin Credible called me a “fatass” after I reminded him that the other members of the Kliq were far more successful than he.  Lance Storm just cussed at me after I opined that, once ECW went out of business, there wouldn’t be a roster spot for a marginal wrestler with zero charisma and non-existent mic skills.  But I was rewarded with a Super Crazy moonsault into myself and the person next to me on top of Roadkill, and a high-five from “The American Dream” Dusty Rhodes after a flurry of flabby elbows to the head of 2 Cold Scorpio.

I was actually jarred into a state of silence when I attended a Florida Championship Wrestling show within the last year and realized that anything I said with a room-level voice would likely be heard by the wrestlers competing in front of a couple dozen fans.  Since I am in my late 20’s now, and was attending with people who don’t understand the sheer joy in receiving a mouthed “Fuck you, guy” from a man twice your size, I decided that discretion is the better part of valor.

There is a certain joy that comes from openly mocking someone that you admire and respect, just because you paid money to sit close enough to do so.

audienceIt’s always one of my favorite parts of watching Monday Night Raw and seeing a wrestler walk down the ring and some asshole fan is obviously screaming, “Fuck you!  You suck” at someone that, in a real fight, they could actually kill with their bare hands.  It’s amazing to me that we don’t see more instances of wrestlers pulling people over the guardrail and severely beating them to within an inch of their life.

But this is what I think I love most about attending a live wrestling show.

Now, who wants to go with me to a taping of TNA and tell Kurt Angle that his ex-wife is now blowing Jeff Jarrett…and his penis is bigger?

Brian Jaeger

Brian Jaeger

Been Watching Since: 1992

Favorite Wrestler, currently: CM Punk

Favorite Wrestler of All Time: Shawn Michaels

Least Favorite Wrestler, currently: Evan Bourne

                                       Least Favorite Wrestler of All Time: JBL

                                       Guilty Pleasure: Repo Man

                                       Catchphrase: "Lately, you've been having Sunny days, my friend!"

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