“You want a war? You’re gonna get one.” -Scott Hall
In one of our earliest podcasts, which you can find at this link, we made up our ultimate dream cards. While there were some that were awesomely great (I might have been the first person to mention how badass a Stone Cold vs CM Punk match would be) and others were awesomely funny (Rich putting the Natural Disasters in a TLC Match), there was undoubtedly one that was both.
Tope, being a mark for three rings, had a World War 3 battle royal. As soon as that exited his mouth, everybody started to laugh. World War 3? One of the worst concepts ever? A three-ring, 60-man battle royal? Get out of here.
Then, Tope revealed the contents of the match.
Ten teams from the 1980s in one ring. Ten teams from the 1990s in another ring. Ten teams from the 2000s in the third ring.
Sitting back and reflecting on the idea, I loved it more and more. After getting Tope’s blessing, I decided to book Podswoggle.com’s first ever Funtastical Fantasy Match. The three decade World War 3 battle royal!
It was like an Iron Man Match deciding on the ten teams per ring, but I finally settled on these. No competitors were duplicated, so some teams are excluded for that reason. I also assigned years to the teams to give you an idea of which form of the team we are seeing.
The Brain Busters circa 1988 (Arn Anderson and Tully Blanchard)
The British Bulldogs circa 1986 (Davey Boy Smith and Dynamite Kid)
Demolition circa 1989 (Ax and Smash)
Fabulous Freebirds circa 1983 (Michael Hayes and Terry Gordy)
Hart Foundation circa 1987 (Bret Hart and Jim Neidhart)
The Mega-Powers circa 1988 (Hulk Hogan and Randy Savage)
Midnight Express circa 1989 (Bobby Eaton and Stan Lane)
Road Warriors circa 1986 (Hawk and Animal)
The Rockers circa 1989 (Shawn Michaels and Marty Jannetty)
Rock N Roll Express circa 1986 (Robert Gibson and Ricky Morton)
Harlem Heat circa 1995 (Booker T and Stevie Ray)
Headshrinkers circa 1994 (Fatu and Samu)
Hollywood Blondes circa 1993 (Steve Austin and Brian Pillman)
Lex Luger and Sting circa 1991
Money Inc. circa 1992 (Ted DiBiase and IRS)
Nasty Boys circa 1991 (Knobbs and Sags)
New Age Outlaws circa 1998 (Road Dogg and Billy Gunn)
The Outsiders circa 1996 (Kevin Nash and Scott Hall)
Rock N Sock Connection circa 1999 (The Rock and Mankind)
The Steiner Bros circa 1991 (Rick and Scott)
America’s Most Wanted circa 2004 (James Storm and Chris Harris)
APA circa 2000 (Bradshaw and Faarooq)
The Briscoes circa 2008 (Mark and Jay)
The Dudley Boyz circa 2000 (D-Von and Bubba Ray)
Edge and Christian circa 2000
Los Guerreros circa 2003 (Eddie and Chavo)
The Hardy Boyz circa 2000 (Matt and Jeff)
The Miz and John Morrison circa 2008
Motor City Machine Guns circa 2009 (Alex Shelley and Chris Sabin)
World’s Greatest Tag Team circa 2003 (Charlie Haas and Shelton Benjamin)
Michael Buffer does his bullshit introduction and the match is underway!
Almost immediately after the bell, the Road Warriors grab Demolition by the throat and chuck them out of the ring. The burial from 1990 continues!
ELIMINATION #1: DEMOLITION
The action is hot and heavy in all three rings. The Midnight Express and Rock N Roll Express are tearing the house down. The Briscoes and Motor City Machine Guns are showing us moves we’ve never seen before. Harlem Heat and the Nasty Boys found some garbage and start throwing it at each other. If this isn’t a simulation, I don’t know what is!
Furthering the simulation, Hulk Hogan steamrolls Ted DiBiase right over. IRS didn’t even get his tie pulled on.
ELIMINATION #2: MONEY INC
An alpha male contest breaks out (and Monty Brown wasn’t invited) between the Road Warriors and the APA from opposite rings. As Animal powerslams Michael Hayes, Faarooq gives a big boot to Christian. When the Road Warriors give Tully Blanchard the Doomsday Device, APA double clotheslines John Morrison inside out. Both teams finally have enough. Animal gorilla presses Robert Gibson the same time Bradshaw gorilla presses Chris Sabin. They look at each other as they heave both men into the second row.
ELIMINATIONS #3 & 4: ROCK N ROLL EXPRESS AND THE MOTOR CITY MACHINE GUNS.
As Bradshaw and Animal stare each other down, America’s Most Wanted sneaks up behind Bradshaw and dump him over the top. He looks back from the floor in disgust and Faarooq stands in the ring, puts his hands on his hips and naturally says “…Gosh Darn It!”
ELIMINATION #5: APA
The Hart Foundation try to sneak up on Animal, but it is thwarted by Marty Jannetty (what a dipshit). The action resumes its normal pace and the Outsiders continue to just stand in the corner and pick their spots. Doing the same are Edge and Christian, staying out of harm’s way as much as possible. In the 1990s ring, The Headshrinkers start headbutting everybody. Fatu turns around and delivers a fierce headbutt…only to find that it is on The Rock. Never realizing that his half Samoan cranium was built for this sort of moment, The Rock brushes it off, kicks Fatu in the stomach and launches him out of the match
ELIMINATION #6: HEADSHRINKERS
Mankind tries to congratulate The Rock, who pushes Mankind down and continues about his own business. On the other end of that very ring, Lex Luger has both Hollywood Blondes hanging on by a thread, ready to hit the floor. The Outsiders seize their opportunity and easily scoop Luger out as the Blondes land on the apron. Sting throws his hands up and says, “Yep, that’s what he does.”
ELIMINATION #7: LEX LUGER AND STING
The New Age Outlaws start beating on the Outsiders, who can hide no longer. Randy Savage and the Dynamite Kid are having a weird off in the 1980s ring. The 2000s ring has the Hardyz and Dudleyz working in tandem to get rid of Edge and Christian. Los Guerreros and the World’s Greatest Tag Team haven’t touched anybody else in the match. They have just pounded away on one another. All of a sudden, Haas and Chavo get tangled up and their momentum carries them both over the top rope. Shelton and Eddie stop their fight and both suicide dive onto their opponents on the outside. The crowd goes nuts and The Nasty Boys can’t fathom somebody jumping that high.
ELIMINATION #8 & #9: LOS GUERREROS AND WORLD’S GREATEST TAG TEAM
Tension is high in the 2000s ring as only one team is left until they are ready for consolidation. The Hardyz now have more room and start to flip around like Kerri Strug on speed. The 1980s ring is paired off. The Mega Powers and the Brain Busters are battling it out. Bobby Eaton and Bret Hart are two homely dudes that can wrestle their asses off. Michael Hayes punches Jim Neidhart and inexplicably does a Moonwalk afterwards. He is too busy dancing to notice The British Bulldogs double teaming big Terry Gordy and suplexing him to the floor. Hayes moonwalks right into a Rockers double dropkick and goes over the top for good measure. That’s probably a good thing: I didn’t want to see him wrestle Booker T. Vince McMahon was bad enough.
ELIMINATION #10: FREEBIRDS
As the field in each ring starts to dwindle, The Steiner Brothers have an epiphany: WE'RE THE FUCKING STEINER BROTHERS. Rick and Scott start plowing through everybody. Mankind takes the sickest Steinerline you have ever seen. Road Dogg’s cornrows come undone from a Frankensteiner. Rick catches both Nasty Boys against the ropes and clotheslines them out while Scott overhead belly-to-belly suplexes Booker T over the top to set the 90s final five.
ELIMINATION #11 & #12: NASTY BOYS AND HARLEM HEAT
While the 1990s ring gets a break, the other two rings continue on. Hulk Hogan is getting quadruple-teamed and naturally holding on just fine. Edge and Christian slide underneath the bottom rope and play with their kazoos. Arn Anderson destroys Randy Savage with a spinebuster only to stand up and be greeted with a patented double dropkick from The Rockers into Tully Blanchard, taking both men to the floor.
ELIMINATION #13: BRAIN BUSTERS
Only two teams left until the final ring kicks off and things get tighter than Lance Storm’s butthole. Having something to prove, Miz and Morrison start to double team anybody they can get their hands on. With Mark Briscoe on the ropes, Miz and Morrison look to be moving on…until the classic GTV segment plays on the TitanTron. The action stops and the audience is shown another dastardly deed from the backstage hidden camera: Batista plowing Melina right at the catering table. As the audience buzzes (and The Outsiders laugh uncontrollably), Morrison’s bottom lip quivers and The Miz tries to calm him down. The Briscoes nail Miz from behind and Morrison turns around and eats 3D from the Dudleyz. Morrison is dead meat and Bubba Ray chucks him right over to complete the 2000s Final Five. Melina screws Morrison over again.
ELIMINATION #14- MIZ AND MORRISON
Once the alarming (if not totally expected) footage stops, the 1980s ring fights on. Nobody wants to be the bubble team. Bret Hart, Stan Lane and Dynamite Kid all skin the cat at some point to avoid elimination. The L.O.D. hit Hulk Hogan with the dreaded Doomsday Device and, naturally, Hulkster no-sells it. Hulk starts giving the big boot to everyone in the ring. Savage grabs Jim Neidhart and Hulk looks to knock the goatee right off of his face. However, Neidhart ducks and Hulk crushes Savage. As he tries to apologize, Bret Hart sneaks up and shockingly eliminates the Immortal One. Savage gets up and proceeds to beat Hogan up for roughly 16 years. Jealous eyes never win!
ELIMINATION #15: MEGA POWERS
The final ring is set. All the talent converges and Marty Jannetty wastes no time remembering who he is and runs right into a double backdrop over-the-top by The Briscoes. Inspired by his actions, The Hardy Boyz trip off the top rope and all four feet hit the floor. Shawn Michaels says some very un-Christian things and The Hardyz head to the concession stand. I mean, who didn’t see that coming?
ELIMINATION #16 & #17: THE ROCKERS AND HARDY BOYZ
Now that most of the doofuses are gone, teams from all three decades pair off. The Steiners and The British Bulldogs are beating the roided snot out of one another. The New Age Outlaws and America’s Most Wanted are wondering how the hell they got this far. Then, The Rock and Steve Austin start going off on one another. It must be in their DNA! Rock and Austin keep tearing each other apart and Mankind comes over to help. He gets a classic Stun Gun for his trouble and Brian Pillman dropkicks him over the top. The Rock still can’t get over on Stone Cold.
ELIMINATION #18: ROCK N SOCK CONNECTION
Remember that doofus comment? Billy Gunn did. He tries to give Kevin Nash the Fameasser and gets Jackknifed for his trouble. Even Scott Hall could muster enough effort to throw him out at this point. Road Dogg has plenty of time to call somebody now.
ELIMINATION #19: NEW AGE OUTLAWS
Wait a second, the audience is stirring. Who is coming out from the back? It’s Jim Cornette! With his trusty tennis racket in hand, Cornette starts yelling words of encouragement at his charges, the Midnight Express. Needless to say, they respond. Eaton and Lane grab Chris Harris and knock his brains right out of the match. Mark Briscoe gets a head of steam only to be flapjacked onto the top rope and his momentum carries him to the floor. The Midnight Express is on fire!
ELIMINATIONS #20 & #21: AMERICA’S MOST WANTED AND THE BRISCOES
“Beautiful” Bobby and “Sweet” Stan begin to pummel the Road Warriors, who have been worn down by multiple teams targeting them. Cornette jumps into the ring, seeking revenge for his scaffold fall decades ago. As Stan Lane holds Animal, Cornette swings with the tennis racket, but Animal ducks! Lane bounces over the top and Cornette immediately bolts when he sees Hawk making a beeline for him.
ELIMINATION #22: MIDNIGHT EXPRESS
Ridding the ring of their biggest foe reinvigorates Hawk and Animal. We get a Doomsday Device on Christian. We get a gnarly double shoulder tackle on Bret Hart. We get a failed attempt at a 3D that leads to Hawk booting D-Von Dudley out of the match. The Road Warriors celebrate, but The Dudley Boyz continue to jaw with them on the floor. Bubba begins to bring a table out from underneath the ring, taunting the Road Warriors. With their attention diverted, Edge and Christian sneak up behind them and unceremoniously throw Hawk and Animal out. Damn those D-D-D-Dudley Boyz!
ELIMINATION #23 & #24: DUDLEY BOYZ AND ROAD WARRIORS
With arguably the two most dangerous teams out of the match, teams start taking more chances. Edge and Christian start flying around the ring, actively on offense for the first time in the match. Davey Boy Smith puts Bret Hart in a delayed vertical suplex for a loooooooooooong time…so long he doesn’t see Jim Neidhart catch Dynamite Kid off the top rope and eliminate him. Someone get 4 handles of Jack Daniels ready in the back! Dynamite Kid just lost!
ELIMINATION #25: BRITISH BULLDOGS
Speaking of alcohol, The Outsiders have grown bored of this whole process and whip out flasks from their trunks. Surely, it is 100 proof moonshine. As they stumble about, Rick Steiner pushes Scott Hall out of the ring. Scott Steiner pokes Kevin Nash in the chest and both fibulas shatter.
ELIMINATION #26: THE OUTSIDERS
It’s down to the final four! Edge and Christian fall back again and let the action happen. The Steiners are getting pummeled by the Hollywood Blondes and their flashing boots. As Jim Neidhart comes from behind and initiates a crazy-off with Brian Pillman, Steve Austin and Bret Hart start to duke it out as only the two of them can. Austin misses a clothesline and Bret throws him out. But wait! The referees are too busy cleaning up the puke Hall and Nash left at ringside. They don’t see Austin being eliminated. He sneaks back in and eliminates Bret Hart from behind. Hide the ringside equipment; that Canuck is gonna be mad.
ELIMINATION #27: HART FOUNDATION
The final three begins with the Steiners getting double teamed (literally). Rick gets an old-school Downward Spiral from Edge. Scott gets vintage Air Pillman. The heels are in complete control. In fact, they are so confident they begin a pose off. Edge and Christian do a five-second pose, mocking the Steiner Brothers. The Blondes do their camera taunt right in the fact of the Steiners…but get snuck up on by E&C and tossed out. Those sneaky bastards are going to steal one!
ELIMINATION #28: HOLLYWOOD BLONDES
Looking to make a statement, Christian slides underneath the bottom rope and grabs two chairs. Uh-oh. It could be Con-Chair-to time. Rick staggers to his feet. Edge and Christian charge up and Rick ducks! The chairs clang into one another and Scott gets to his feet. He Frankensteiners Edge right onto one of the chairs! Scott gets Christian on his shoulders. Rick grabs the other chair and climbs to the top rope. He throws the chair at Christian, who catches it, but gets Bulldogged by Rick, his head cracking the chair as he hits the mat. The crowd is in a frenzy as The Steiners each pick up a dude reeking of awesomeness. They lift them above their heads and throw them clear over the top, crashing and burning on the arena floor. It’s all over!!!
ELIMINATION #29: EDGE AND CHRISTIAN
YOUR WINNERS OF TAG TEAM WORLD WAR 3: THE STEINER BROTHERS!!!
That is all from Podswoggle’s first Funtastical Fantasy Match. Until Tope comes up with another crazily awesome idea, we will see you in the real world.