Home Articles 2011 "If Wrestlers Were..." Sports Teams

"If Wrestlers Were..." Sports Teams

02 Sep

“You are what you hate…you have become the New York Yankees.” –CM Punk


After Punk spoke those words on July 11th’s Raw, I began to wonder…what if other wrestlers embodied characteristics of professional sports teams?  As I thought about it, more and more examples would pop up.  Some were obvious and some were a bit of a stretch, but a couple of them were just perfect.

Since the example that started this whole mess was Cena being called the New York Yankees by Punk, I figured we’d start with CM Punk.  Now we could go the obvious route, call them rivals, and just say Punk is the Red Sox and move on…but Punk doesn’t fit the Red Sox mold.  When I think Punk, I think of a trendy underground team, who is slowly moving into the limelight and is a serious competitor now.  Punk can immerge from the underground scene to have a huge match in the limelight, but still go back to being the indie guy at any point.  Another Yankee rival fits this mold too…the Tampa Bay Rays.

truthvestLet’s move on to R-Truth…listen…this may fall into the obvious category, but I couldn’t help it.  R-Truth has lost his mind!  I don’t know half of the shit he says or even does sometimes. Just on mental issues alone, he mirrors Al Davis.  Not to mention the fact that Truth wears a bullet proof vest…and every Raider fan knows, when you pack the car to go to a game, you bring the tickets, Raiders attire and a bullet proof vest.  So yes, R-Truth is the Oakland Raiders.

Let's go backwards with this one and start with the team.  In recent years, the San Diego Chargers have been a really good team. However, every year they just can’t seem to get over the hump.  Even when they make the playoffs, they just fall short.  As soon as I thought of someone who is really good, but always falls short, Kofi Kingston immediately came to mind.  Maybe it wasn’t a little kid who designed Kofi’s tights, maybe it was Norv Turner…I’d like to think so.

I don’t want to be called a sexist, so let’s put a diva on this list.  The Divas champion right now is Kelly Kelly.  The current WNBA champion is the Seattle Storm.  That’ll work.  Who cares? I’m actually a little embarrassed now that if someone looks at my browsing history, they will see “WNBA champion.”  I consider myself a huge sports fan and I had to look it up.  I mean seriously, I’d rather people see that I have porn in my browsing history than “WNBA champion.”  Have you even watched a FULL WNBA game?  It’s sad that there will be infinitely more tags in a Divas tag match than there will be dunks in a WNBA game.  It’s like, good for them, they have a league. Good for Kelly Kelly, she has a belt.  Now I’ve written about the WNBA and Divas for waaay longer than I wanted to.  Disregard the first sentence of this paragraph, because I spent the rest of the paragraph negating it.

Moving along…I’m a Miami Heat fan and as everyone knows, the damn Dallas Mavericks beat them in the championship.  At this point though, it’s like, whatever.  The Mavericks should have won a long time ago and now instead of Mavericks fans being truly happy, they are just relieved that it finally happened.  Same thing can be said for Christian.  I’m a fairly new wrestling fan…hell, a year ago, I barely knew who Christian was, but even I can tell that Christian’s better days are behind him.  And now is when he wins the belt?

This one was probably the easiest for me to come up with. The Undertaker is 19-0 when it comes to Wrestlemania.  In the biggest event of the year, the Undertaker is perfect.  Only in football is there an event that big, once a year…the Super Bowl.  In the history of the Super Bowl, there has only been one team that has been to multiple Super Bowls and has never lost…the San Francisco 49ers.

The one that needs the least amount of explanation is this one.  The Cincinnati Bengals can’t keep themselves out of jail.  Sound familiar, wrestling fans?  The correct answer for this is just Hardy. Matt or Jeff?  You pick…hell, put both of them.  Do they have a sister?  Throw her in there too.


Now I know Chris Jericho isn’t currently wrestling, but he’s just too damn good to leave off.  Jericho is regarded as one of the best ever in the WWE.  He’s entertaining and fun to watch and he’s Canadian.  Now, for me it would be a little degrading to him to say he matches up with an NHL team, because that would imply that he’s not as popular as some of the other wrestlers.  So I have a solution for this…Chris Jericho is the entire NHL.  He fits it.  If you take all of the NHL’s popularity, against any of the other professional sports teams, that would pretty much be comparable to Jericho’s popularity against the other wrestlers.  This was also one of the hardest things for me to admit because not only am I a hockey fan, I am a hockey player.


I saved the best comparison for last.  To me, this one is spot on through and through.  Evan Bourne…stay with me…he’s a high flyer.  When he wrestles, he is exciting and gets the crowd into his matches.  Kids and adults love him.  He’s a family show with stunts and surprises at every turn.  The only problem with Evan Bourne is that he will never be a serious contender.  He may win his matches all the time, but in the end, it never really amounts to anything.  Evan Bourne is the Harlem Globetrotters.  Now if only we could get him to change his entrance music to this.


Augie Artiles

Augie Artiles

Been Watching Since: 2000-2002, 2009-present

Favorite Wrestler, currently: Sami Zayn

Favorite Wrestler of All Time: The Rock

Least Favorite Wrestler, currently: Jack Swagger

                                       Least Favorite Wrestler of All Time: Kane

                                       Guilty Pleasure: Enzo Amore

                                       Catchphrase: "I'll TAKE IT!"

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