“Ducks never say die. Ever seen a duck fight? No way. Why? Because the other animals are afraid.”- Gordon
“If” is a great concept. That little conjunction can let your mind wander and create anything you darn well please. That can be very dangerous in the hands of someone who doesn’t know what to do with it. Just like my boy, CM Punk, “if,” in my hands, is a pipe bomb.
We have done hypothetical articles on this very website before and I don’t doubt that this will be the last. However, I do doubt that anybody can come up with one as stupid and epic as what you are about to read.
Brief back story: after Raw one evening, members of the Swoggle Squad were hanging out playing Uno like the badasses we are. I organized my cards and spoke of how I was “getting my ducks in a row.” Now, we had jokingly been coming up with fake articles for the site and laughing about how ridiculous they were. Some smartass (probably Augie) took this opportunity to say “Okay, if wrestlers were ducks…”
It got a good laugh from the room, but I wasn’t laughing that hard. I was already thinking.
What IF wrestlers were famous ducks?
Here is what I have come up with. I don’t give a fuck, I’m proud of what you are about to read.
CM Punk is The Ugly Duckling
The easiest one to come up with by far, Punk has been trying to prove his entire career that he could be something special on a level very few get to be. However, he had been chastised and shunned because of his size and the way he looked. Now, after this year, I think it’s pretty safe to say that he has blossomed into the beautiful white swan of the wrestling business. Just like the Ugly Duckling, you can ostracize it, you can call it names; it’s still going to be better than you in the end.
Jack Swagger is Daffy Duck
C’mon. Do I have to explain this one? The only thing that severely hurt this one: it will never be Swagger Season.
Vince McMahon is Scrooge McDuck
Another fairly easy one, I don’t have any qualms about starting this rumor: Vince McMahon has a giant vault full of gold coins he just swims in. He takes good care of his family just as long as they are random relatives like great nephews instead of his kids or wife. He keeps fighting off the barrage of villains trying to take his fortune and put him out of business. (One of those villains was actually called Babyface Beagle. It writes itself sometimes.) He is constantly looking for a way to make money, he can have a temper and he has no problem looking ridiculous. That’s Vince McMahon alright.
Daniel Bryan is Count Duckula
They are both vegans and have the power to teleport. Good enough for me.
Vickie Guerrero is the Aflac Duck
They both only ever really say the same thing over and over and over and over again. Both of their catchphrases irritate to the highest degree. Why in the bluest of blue hells are they still around? Answer: because they both work. The Aflac Duck is so obnoxious, but it still draws attention and Aflac has never really suffered from it; it’s only grown. Vickie has become the most reliable heel in the company over the course of her stint. She can get anybody (except Eric Escobar) over and the crowd HATES her with a passion I haven’t seen since Sean Waltman did next to nothing and was close to being shot every time he came out. Both are annoying. Both are proven commodities. Both were voiced by Gilbert Gottfried at one point. He’s a chameleon.
Heath Slater is Duckman
I didn’t know much about Duckman except it used to be on
The Rock is Darkwing Duck
This one is multilayered (that’s right, I used the phrase “multilayered” in an article about wrestlers being ducks). First of all, each “man” has two personas. Darkwing Duck is Drake Mallard and The Rock is Dwayne Johnson. In each of their personas, they fight for similar reasons. As their secret identities, Mallard and Johnson are both family men who are in the public eye. They are mild-mannered and nondescript. As Darkwing Duck and The Rock, they fight evil all the while feeding their ego of fame and fortune and believing they are the greatest thing since sliced bread. I think the biggest reason this comparison works is the cool factor. The Rock was the coolest guy in the world. He was a funny jock who could back up his talk and he was, arguably, as big a reason wrestling went mainstream in the late 90s as Stone Cold. Darkwing Duck made ducks cool. In my age demographic, there aren’t many pieces of childhood that aren’t tainted in some way. Darkwing Duck is always untouchable. Everyone loves Darkwing Duck and everyone loves The Rock.
Rico is Rubber Ducky
They were both the middle man in two of the most well-known “gay” couples in entertainment history: Bert and Ernie and Billy and Chuck.
The Shockmaster is Howard the Duck
Both were heavily hyped beyond belief. Howard the Duck was going to be
(In a couple years, this has a chance to change to Sin Cara.)
Randy Orton is Donald Duck
If case you haven’t noticed, Randy Orton has some crazy mannerisms in the ring. When he does those silly motions, just grumble, yell or speak incoherently in a Donald Duck voice and this already will make sense. Delve a little deeper and this might be the most perfect comparison of all. Donald is cantankerous, has anger management issues and normally not the best person. That being said, people LOVE him. He always plays second fiddle to Mickey Mouse and will never become the franchise player for Disney despite the fact that he is better at his job than Mickey is. He loves being pantsless. Randy Orton, this is your life!!! An added bonus: Orton’s wife is Daisy Duck. No one really cares and she is easily replaces by whore models when needed.
There isn’t anything else to really say. If wrestlers were ducks…sigh. We can only say “what if…”
Or can we?